I’m sitting there as if I’ve been spat on! - the girl wrote on the forum. “We’ve been dating a young man for six months, the romance is developing rapidly, and I, frankly, expected that on New Year’s Day he would propose to me in full form. Not to get married right away tomorrow, of course, but at least set an approximate date for when we will go to the registry office - at the end of summer, beginning of autumn, or exactly a year from now... And the proposal really came through. But not at all what I was expecting. In general, the guy invites me to move in with him to “try living together.” What's it like?
Well... What's wrong? - users write to the girl. - Nowadays, many people start their life together this way. And this has its own logic! Get used to each other, take a closer look. Check the relationship... Normal offer! Certainly, there is no need to be offended by this...
Normal offer?? Well I do not know! For me it's definitely not normal. And the guy knows it. I told him more than once about my attitude towards civil marriage. It’s rare that such a story ends with a wedding; I have several examples of girlfriends before my eyes... And besides, the very formulation of the question offends me. Testing relationships - like a probationary period, or what? Do you need to give all your best and show your dexterity and dexterity? And if it turns out that I’m not what he needs in everyday life, will that mean he’ll look for someone else? What kind of relationship can we even talk about then! He's just looking for a general housekeeper...
What does the guy say to this?
He says that going straight to the registry office is not an option for him! That, they say, he doesn’t even buy a pair of pants for himself without trying them on, but here it’s a more serious matter, after all, he chooses a wife... This really offended me. Compared to a pair of pants! I told him that not a single seller would let him try even a pair of pants. First pay money, then take it. No checks in everyday life!.. My parents got married without any checks, have been together for thirty years, live wonderfully. And most of their friends also did not live together for a day before the wedding, and after that they live for decades. Unlike young couples, who really test and test each other, but the results are disastrous... In general, I was expecting a holiday, but got a quarrel. Moreover, now I’m thinking - what’s next? Do I have a future with this person? Maybe it’s better to look for someone else, for whom I will be important, and not my ability to cook borscht and organize everyday life?..
Is it a normal reaction to be offended by a man for suggesting “to live together in order to experience relationships in everyday life”?
A man who met the woman of his dreams doesn’t offer this? And if he offers, it means he doesn’t exclude the possibility that while the check is underway, he will be able to find a better option...
Or, in your opinion, did the girl make a mountain out of a mountain, come up with it herself, get offended, and completely in vain?
Is this couple really in trouble?
What do you think?
It all started 8 years ago. We were students and became good friends. I knew that he liked me, but I could only treat him as a friend, since I didn’t perceive him in any way. Soon he began dating my classmate, and she, being angry with me, forbade him to communicate with me.
For the next 8 years, conversations were limited only to the phrases: “How are you?” and "What's new?" Three months ago, he and I started chatting casually. At this time he had already moved to another city 800 km from mine. We communicated so well, and I decided to come to him in his city. As a result, for a month, we came every weekend - either I came to him, or he came to me.
Soon he offered to move in with him permanently, said that he would help me get a job, that I could live with him. I thought - why not? In my city the work was good, but without prospects. And my age already allowed me to leave and try to live on my own. I agreed.
Even before leaving, he proposed (after 3 weeks of communication), he said that it makes no difference when he proposes, tomorrow, in a month, or a year. That he always loved me, even 8 years ago, and in all other girls he looked for someone like me. I gave a positive answer, quit my job, and 3 weeks later I moved in with him.
She told her parents about it, but he didn’t tell his own. And he introduced me to them as just a girl. When I moved, we stayed together for another 2 weeks (while he was on vacation), then we started going to work. A month later I got a job myself.
Our relationship was not built at all. Perhaps they ended up in everyday life, but something was wrong. I would come home from work and quickly cook something so that the evening would be freed up and we could spend it together. But he stuck the site into his laptop, and the evening ended up taking place in different rooms. He scolded me if I didn’t put the mug away right away, or noticed drops of oil after I cooked. If I pressed myself against him, I asked him to move away because he was hot, or ticklish, or something unpleasant. Naturally, I was upset, offended, and I didn’t want anything. Intimate life has come to almost nothing. And I didn’t want him to even touch me. There was stress at work, I started missing my friends, my family, and I started to get even more upset.
We spent the New Year separately: he went home, and I went to my family. Then he said that he did this on purpose to see if he would miss me. It turned out that he was bored. And I decided that I needed to change, try to save the relationship. She began to show more attention, but he perceived it rather strangely. He said that unexpectedly, he avoided me. He said that he realized that we have different interests. That he's a homebody and I like to get out of the house. Although, every time he reminds me of how he went to a cafe with his ex’s website, walked, etc. Who will like it?
I began to often say: “If you don’t like it, no one will.” Every time, after my hysteria and tears, I try to start everything over again, change my behavior pattern. He wants me to put on makeup - please, to dress the way he wants - please, as soon as he comes home - to meet him in seductive outfits - please. But he said it was strange. That he’s burned out and doesn’t want anything anymore. I asked him: “Why are you still with me then?” He replied: “Notice that I’m not kicking you out, because sometimes I have fun with you.”
And here you stand and don’t know what to do. Try to bring him back, somehow revive everything? Ask him what he wants? Leave and return to your city?
There are many everyday turning points in the relationship between a man and a woman. Some people are consumed by everyday life, while others don’t get to this point; it all ends at the planning stage of moving to one of the partners. According to the classic scheme, a woman should move in with a man. The groom got married and took the bride to his house. Nowadays matchmaking takes place verbally; marriage is not concluded right away, citing the need to get used to each other, to look at the loved one in real life.
Main pretexts for moving
- Strong love can serve as an impetus for quick thoughts about building a life together. Do not rush to follow your heart, turning off your head. But you also shouldn’t rush or delay the moving process too much. As soon as you are no longer satisfied with the format of meetings on weekends, you should think about living together.
- Partners often hush up important topics so as not to scare each other. But it is impossible to scare away a person who sincerely loves with such a proposal. Voice the idea not as a prerequisite, but as a worrying thought.
- Be open and honest in your relationship from the very beginning.
Several factors can push you to live together:
- age;
- duration of relationship;
- human thinking;
- benefits from cohabitation, including financial ones;
- desire to be closer to each other.
The main thing is that the reason should not be a beautiful picture shown in a movie or told by friends.
When discussing a move, do not use ultimatum phrases:
- “I’m already thirty years old, I need children!”
- “All my friends laugh at me!”
- “I’m an adult, but we meet with you like schoolchildren! I am tired of this!"
- “If we don’t move in together, I’ll leave you!”
Speak softly:
- “I really want to cook you breakfast and take you to work!”
- “You are all busy, you need a reliable rear!”
- “I really want to build a cozy nest and arrange everything there in my own way!”
- “I see a reliable person in you, I love you!”
Received a direct proposal from a man
Women are now quite freedom-loving and willful. Many people think that living together will destroy all romance.
If the proposal came from a man, it means that he sees you as a life partner and is ready to entrust you with the household and himself. Such a person can be trusted, he is confident in himself and is ready to take responsibility.
Accept the offer of your loved one, but discuss the living conditions and the formation of your daily life in advance.
Hint about moving and wait for an offer
If everything has been boiling inside for a long time and requires immediate demonstration of the skills of an impeccable housewife, take the initiative into your own hands. Do it in such a way that the man considers himself the original source of the idea.
While at his home, straighten the blanket on the couch or wash the dishes after dinner. Pay attention to small items, dishes, your partner’s habits: where he puts his keys, cell phone, wallet.
Often a man loses sight of things and starts looking. At this moment, you can come to the rescue and provide the necessary item.
If the apartment lacks a clock on the wall, towels, curtains in the bathroom, or a lemon maker, then give something to the young man.
A man rarely arranges his life, maintains harmony, as a woman does, and pays little attention to details. But he will be pleased that you are attentive to your home and try to make it cozy.
Offer to cook something together if the man likes to do it. Keep it natural. A nice home environment has a calming effect on any man.
But just don’t adjust the apartment to suit yourself. Don't create perfect order, don't move things inside the closet onto shelves that seem appropriate, don't reprimand the guy for the mess, scattered socks. All men are guilty of this, and they cannot be changed either before marriage or after it.
What needs to be discussed
When someone in a couple has gathered strength and voiced their desire to live together, a series of discussions and revelations begins.
In everyday life, a loved one turns out to be different than on a date. Ask the guy to describe his home habits, and in response, describe yours. This includes the daily routine, getting up, breakfast, love of listening to loud music, time for computer games, yoga classes three times a week, culinary preferences.
Frankly tell him that you don’t like or don’t know how to cook, but for his sake you’ll try to master a couple of delicious, simple dishes.
Discuss things that are categorically unacceptable. The length of time you take a bath or shower in the morning, open tubes of toothpaste, hair in a comb, walking around the apartment in shorts, leaving mugs on the desktop, disgust with taking out the trash.
Talk about household responsibilities. Can a guy fix a faucet, an electrician? How often will you go shopping together? Who will do the housework?
Discuss the format of communication with mutual friends and acquaintances. How often is he ready to let you go to your girlfriends? Will he be able to spend the weekend with friends? This includes themes of drinking, bachelorette parties, bachelor parties, work parties, and trips to a relative's wedding.
Accept the person for who he is. Otherwise, you simply risk being disappointed and transporting things back.
Main theme of feelings
If the move has taken place, it is important to continue to maintain a spark of love in everyday situations.
Conversations, watching interesting films with a bucket of popcorn or chips, playing board and computer games together, and reading aloud will help maintain tremulous feelings. Do everything you did when you just came to visit.
Add to your calendar in advance gatherings with friends, a trip to see your mother, a cleanup day at a homeless animal shelter, etc.
Be interested in the young man's plans. Mark weekdays in red and weekends in green. This way you will eliminate reasons for quarrels and misunderstandings, and you will become more punctual.
Be calm about spontaneous decisions. If you haven’t agreed on anything specific for the evening, let the young man go to his friends’ treasured garages without throwing a tantrum. Take care of yourself during this time, read in silence, take a bath, watch an all-female movie, take time for cosmetic procedures.
At home, try to look neat and comfortable.
Creating coziness
To be in a good mood, you need to make everything at home as comfortable as possible. It's great to decide on repairs by mutual agreement. Shopping trips together will bring you closer together and allow you to better know each other’s tastes. Lovers hang on each other's every word and difficulties seem trivial to them, so the entire renovation process should go smoothly and leave positive memories.
You can limit yourself to buying little things like textiles, indoor flowers, bathroom rugs. A man may not notice the flowers on the window, but he will appreciate the new bed linen.
Don’t overdo it with purely feminine things: hearts, pink curtains, photo frames on every table. A man should feel comfortable at home.
And the bathroom is also not a temple erected in your honor. Distribute towels and hygiene products harmoniously. There is no need to force everything in the area.
The key to comfort in a home is cleanliness. After moving, maintaining cleanliness turns from a gesture of politeness into a necessity. Keep order, ask the guy for help.
To avoid disputes, it is worth distributing responsibilities between partners.
Distribution of duties
Each couple approaches the distribution of responsibilities differently. Some guys are lazy, others were taught by their mother in childhood that the kitchen is a woman’s territory. It is believed that a man should not touch household chores. A woman is responsible for washing, cooking, and cleaning. But no one forbids a man, if he likes to cook, to please his beloved with a delicious dinner or to take care of himself.
Discuss which household chores the guy likes and which you like. Most men hate washing dishes and tucking the duvet into the duvet cover. No matter how funny it may sound, it’s worth asking about this so that you don’t read stupid lectures and quarrel later.
Space distribution
In a relationship, a man and a woman must be partners and make concessions to maintain balance. Divide the space so as not to offend anyone. A woman has many more tubes, masks, and hygiene products, so she needs more space in the bathroom. But show respect to the man, ask what kind of space he needs. This also applies to the linen closet. Divide hangers, shelves, and dresser drawers. In one he will store ties and cufflinks, in the other you will put jewelry and cosmetics.
It’s also worth remembering each other’s personal space. Despite love and excellent relationships, you need to take a break from each other. Everyone should have a place where they can be with themselves and their thoughts.
Financial issue
The ideal option for building a budget is mutual contribution in equal proportions. Both partners merge their sources of income together and live on this amount. Everyone will be able to leave part of the funds for personal expenses, surprises or gifts for a loved one.
To prevent money from being wasted, keep a journal of your income and expenses. This will be useful in your future family life and will help you live within your means without getting into loans and debts.
It is better to pay equally for rent.
What to watch out for
Taking responsibility for your destiny is not as easy as it seemed at first. The ideal picture is spoiled by household routine, monotony, and boredom.
Spend enough time with each other. Don’t be afraid to tell your loved one that you are tired and not ready to deal with chores today.
On a date, people glow with happiness and look perfect. This is impossible at home: everyone is sad, sick, angry, tired and wants to be alone. You need to be able to accept your partner’s temporary moods and not be offended.
Before starting your life together, ask how the young man imagines it. Some people are completely unwilling to give a woman personal space, but they take care of theirs. Selfishness and injustice must be stopped! Strong healthy relationships are steps towards each other, not running after each other.
The man's parents are against the relationship
The mother most often opposes it, as she does not want to share her son with anyone. Don't get into conflict, try to make friends and get close to her. Make it clear that you see her as an authority, ask for advice. Find out the reason for the mistrust. Find out how the relationship between the guy's parents began, show politeness and delicacy. Sometimes it's easier to get closer to the groom's dad. If there is no daughter in the family, you can become one.
The woman's parents oppose the relationship
The girl's parents are afraid that the guy treats her insincerely, that the poor girl will suffer from violence, return home pregnant, will not get married, and her reputation will be damaged. Fears do not arise out of nowhere; parents should not be blamed for stupid prejudices.
A man must show nobility, talk to the girl’s dad, show concern and gallantry towards her mother. It is important not only to show off in order to achieve the goal, but to weigh the decision to live together several times and look at the situation objectively. Otherwise, later you will simply be ashamed in front of the adults to whom you proved that you are independent and reasonable.
If a man sincerely loves a woman, then a parent’s ban on cohabitation can often become an impetus for going to the registry office.
Difficulty establishing relationships with family members
Living in the same house with parents is categorically not recommended by both psychologists and experienced couples.
A girl comes to a man's house with her charter. It will not work to be constantly submissive and live according to the advice of his mother: upbringing and the traditions of his own family will affect him.
There is no place for two housewives in the same kitchen, no matter how you manage, there will be a reason for a quarrel, and there will be nowhere to escape from the epicenter of the conflict.
A man who moves in with a woman is often perceived as a gigolo. The girl’s mother will find a reason to reproach her for laziness, even if the guy disappears for days at work and sleeps off at home.
Young people often violate the usual way of life that has developed in the home. Parents are embarrassed to talk about the inconvenience caused by dinner in the hall, loud TV, laughter and noise coming from the bedroom.
Discontent accumulates and then spills to the surface like an erupting volcano. There will be quarrels between lovers in plain sight. The couple will make peace and forget, but the parents will remember for a long time. The ideal option for a guy and a girl to live together is a separate apartment. The climate of the new family must be inviolable and unshakable by outside interference.
The psychological side of the issue of moving
From a psychological point of view, moving is always stressful. Positive or negative depends on the climate in the family.
If a girl was under moral pressure at home, she has long cherished the idea of escaping from her parents’ control. But he doesn’t think that he falls under the guy’s control. It is better to leave the family nest and live alone, but if you wish, you can move in with your loved one. Otherwise, care and attention from the groom can be regarded as pressure and total control.
Quarrels and possible conflicts
The more nuances of family life you discuss before starting it, the less you will quarrel. But a quarrel is normal in a couple whose relationship is developing. If there are no questions, then you are indifferent to each other.
Don't be afraid to argue, especially regarding everyday issues. Truth is born in dispute. Give suitable arguments, do not use foul language, and know how to stop in time.
If a conflict occurs, you need to cool down quickly.
A great way to get away from the showdown is to take a walk. Get together and walk silently in the yard. Or go to the store for a cake. Drinking tea together reconciles even presidents.
Household squabbles should not leave the house and become overgrown with rumors. There is a risk that after a small conflict, someone’s mother will appear on the doorstep and cause a worse scandal.
You have long been considered a couple: go on dates, confess your love to each other, share a bed. Everything seems great, but you want more. If you haven’t received an offer to marry him yet, is it worth thinking about how to move in with him? Although cohabitation before marriage is already considered the norm in our society, nevertheless civil marriage is more likely to harm and reduce your chances of a happy marriage. If you are determined to start living together, proceed with caution.
Promise to think about his proposal
If a guy insists that you move in with him, this does not mean the seriousness of his intentions and the existence of great love. It might just be more convenient for him. In large cities, especially Moscow and St. Petersburg, many guys who have housing invite girls to their place without much preamble, so as not to waste a lot of time and money on courtship.
Imagine: a girl lives on the other side of the city, to get to her you need to stand in a traffic jam for a couple of hours and spend a lot of gasoline. Then you will still need to take her to a cafe or cinema, see her off and return to your home. The process is very long and exhausting. And if this girl moves in with him, all this immediately disappears. In addition, she takes care of the house, washes his clothes, cooks - there is no need to spend money on restaurants and dry cleaning either. Unfortunately, this is the reality of our days. No one talks about any feelings here - it’s just pure calculation.
Based on all this, you should think twice before agreeing to cohabitation. If you still want romance, bouquets of flowers, conversations under the moon and candles, don’t even think about “Let’s live together.”
Have you decided to take this plunge?
If all of the above arguments do not convince you, it’s time to pack your things to move in with him. Keep in mind that a lot in your couple will depend on the first days spent together. From the very beginning, build relationships the way you want them to be.
There are often cases when a girl, wanting to please a guy, takes on all the household chores, while completely forgetting about herself. As a result, her stronger half begins to consider it a common occurrence that she rushes around the shops with heavy bags and does not leave the kitchen. She doesn’t ask for support, and he doesn’t give a damn. Later, the woman begins to quite reasonably take offense at the fact that no one appreciates her efforts, although it was she who allowed such an attitude.
If you don’t want to get bogged down in everyday life, immediately distribute responsibilities. Ask him for help more often. Quite masculine activities can be: taking out the trash, peeling potatoes, washing dishes, vacuuming, shopping for groceries.
Share your expectations
Just like with household chores, Trust must be established from the very beginning. Immediately share with him your fears that you may not succeed, that you will not cope, and that your family boat will simply crash into everyday life. In addition, do not build castles in the air and do not hope that everything will go smoothly for you. In any case, you will quarrel, the main thing is to resolve conflicts constructively and be able to compromise. Then no everyday life will interfere with your happiness with your loved one nearby.