“The most important component in the formula for success is the ability to find a common language with people”
Theodore Roosevelt

We all know the role that the ability to communicate with people plays in our daily lives, how important it is to have effective communication skills in various situations and in establishing contact with different categories of people.

Any communication process includes a verbal and nonverbal component. In the first case, speech is used to communicate, and in the second, they help us communicate. Have you ever wondered what the most significant difference exists between humans and other living beings? This is the ability to interact through verbal communication.

Possessing such wealth as speech, most people still experience difficulties in establishing quality contact with other people. Social psychology and personality psychology have accumulated a huge knowledge base about styles, barriers, and mechanisms of communication, which have become the basis for creating effective ways of communication. We learn to successfully communicate with people with the help of effective exercises and advice from a psychologist, which you will find in this article.

If you want to find a specific answer to the question of how to communicate with people, carefully study the psychologist's advice below. They will help you understand how psychology suggests establishing positive contact, as well as understand what mistakes you should not make in communication.

Overcome your subjectivity. It is important for you to realize that each of them has an individual picture of the world. It is formed under the influence of personal life experience, which we receive from the outside world through the senses. Each of us interprets all events based on our own views and beliefs. Take this fact into account in your conversation, try to consider the topic of conversation from different points of view.
Talk less, listen more. Statistical studies show that most people like to talk much more with a person who pays more attention to the interlocutor, and not to himself. By showing sincere interest in the thoughts and feelings of another in a conversation, you gain their favor. You can be sure that this person will show reciprocal interest in you in the future.
Ask open-ended questions. Try to ask more questions that do not require a simple monosyllabic answer, but give the interlocutor the opportunity to express his opinion. For example, instead of asking “Do you like this movie?” ask “What movies do you like?” Open questions will help you establish contact with a stranger in situations where, for various reasons, it is difficult to find a “common language.”
Show that you can be trusted. One of the effective rules of effective communication is to make eye contact during a conversation. By looking into the eyes of your interlocutor, you let him understand and feel your interest and honesty. If you avoid direct eye contact or constantly lower your eyes, then the person regards this as a signal of uncertainty or lying.
Favorite sound is the sound of your own name. Psychology calls addressing the interlocutor by name an important element of effective communication. The name carries a strong energy charge and is an element of self-identification. By addressing a person by name, you increase his self-esteem and encourage him to have a more trusting relationship. If appropriate, you can use the name in a diminutive form. It’s much more pleasant to hear “Lenochka, do you know...?” instead of the usual “dry” question.
Expand your horizons. A comprehensively developed person with a wide range of interests and deep knowledge in various fields is able to much more easily establish positive contact with people of different worldviews and professional orientations. This is especially true for people who, due to their activities, encounter a large number of different people.
Relax and trust your interlocutor. Many people are held back from building trusting relationships by constant self-control or the desire to impress. The well-known rule “be yourself” has not been canceled, so in the process of interacting with other people, try to switch your attention to the interlocutor and his thoughts.
Concentrate on the conversation. During a conversation, do not perform any other actions at the same time: do not write in a notepad, do not watch TV. Your interlocutor will definitely notice this and think that you are indifferent to him and will regard your behavior as a hint to stop the conversation.

Exercise “Learning to mute projections”

Professional psychology uses the term “projection” when a person tries to attribute to other people qualities inherent in himself. For example, you love the attention of other people and try to make a good impression. At the same time, you can assume that everyone is trying to do everything in order to “show off” in front of others.

All these are stereotypes that arise from the inability to consider a situation from different points of view and deeply understand other people.

It is impossible to suppress projections completely, but they can be muffled. Every time you feel that you are “imposing” your point of view, or in your conclusions proceed only from your own vision, try to engage in a comprehensive analysis of the personality of another. This will help you better understand his motives and desires. We learn to analyze personality according to the following scheme:

individual character traits, their manifestation;
attitude towards career, work and money;

Capabilities:

Creative skills;
intellectual level;
technical ability;

Volitional qualities:

persistence;
determination;
feeling of inner freedom.

Interests:

common interests;
hobby;
destructive tendencies.

Moral qualities:

attitude towards other people;
the ability to love and sympathize;
whether its activities benefit society.

Exercise “Overcome communication barriers”

Often in communication we experience a feeling of alienation and encounter “stagnations” when we simply do not know what to talk about with a specific person. All these troubles are often associated with fear of communication. It is a product of the fear of being rejected and misunderstood.

This is especially common for people who lead, and they need to communicate with different people every day. But the more you expand your circle of acquaintances, the faster you realize that these are empty fears.

Set a goal throughout the day to communicate with 15 different people through different communication channels:

with 4 people - using a phone;
with 4 people – via Skype (with webcam);
with 5 strangers - in a store or on the street;
with 2 close people about something very important.

While doing this exercise, use the psychologist's advice that you have already learned. This will help you realize that you can find a common language with any person if you master the principles of effective communication.

Some more tips for effective communication.

There are people with whom we feel comfortable communicating, with whom we can talk, laugh and have fun. And there are also those with whom, on the contrary, it is impossible to find a common topic for conversation. Establishing contact is key here.

How to please your interlocutor?

Establishing contact involves three main points:

Verbal interaction. Implies: Speech should not contain obscene expressions or swear words. The cleaner and more beautiful it is, the more pleasant it is to listen to it.
Voice interaction. It is necessary to communicate in a calm tone, carefully pronouncing each phrase. If a person jabbers or swallows half the words, then it will be quite difficult to understand him.
Visual communication. A pleasant interlocutor must look neat, his facial expression must be friendly, and he must smell good. It is unlikely that anyone will enjoy communicating with an unkempt person.

Non-verbal communication. This concept refers to gesture technology. If a person constantly fusses, waves his arms and makes sudden movements in an attempt to explain something to his interlocutor, then he will arouse suspicion. Psychologists assure that an open, confident posture promotes trust.

Thus, the technique of establishing contact with a client rests on three main pillars: competent communication and a beautiful voice. Judge for yourself, who would you trust more? A pleasant person who knows how to convey information correctly or an unkempt person who utters chaotic phrases and makes incomprehensible gestures. Agree, the conclusion is obvious.

The first stage is the regulation of relationships

Beautiful appearance and competent speech are not enough to establish psychological contact. In order for the meeting to be as productive as possible, there are five more basic steps that need to be taken.

The first stage involves regulating relationships. A person who is in a society unfamiliar to him will feel slight discomfort. The first thing to do is to remove this psychological barrier.

At the first meeting, you should agree more and argue less. Let your opinion be slightly different from the opinion of your interlocutor, you will resolve this disagreement later. Now your main goal is to relieve verbal tension. If the meeting is in a business setting, it is recommended to talk a little about general topics, such as the weather, sports competitions or politics. Here your assessment of what is happening should also coincide.

If after 20 minutes of communication the duration of pauses has decreased and the dialogue has become more productive, then the first stage of the process of establishing and developing contacts between people can be considered completed.

Stage two - point of contact

At the second stage of communication with the interlocutor, it is necessary to find common ground. The interested person must first find out more information about the person with whom the meeting is planned. Perhaps he is an avid lover of hunting or fishing, collects antiques, or does handicrafts. You can find out everything about his interests on social networks or through mutual friends. You need to talk about your favorite hobby as if by chance.

The second stage can be considered successful if the interlocutor becomes noticeably more animated during the conversation and periodically returns to his favorite topic. Correctly finding common points of contact guarantees fruitful cooperation and a pleasant impression of yourself.

Stage three - establishing a single principle

Establishing a common principle is the most important stage in the communication process. This concept means forming an opinion about your interlocutor. There are several principles on which further relationships can be based.

“I’m ready” - a person is a confident person. It is difficult, almost impossible to confuse her with anything. She will perceive any problem not as a limitation, but as a test of her capabilities.
“I am open” - a person is completely open to his partner. He does not flatter him and directly talks about his positive and negative qualities. Such a psychological object will not say that he will always arrive on time, he will say that he, like everyone else, has human qualities that he cannot control (there will be no vehicle flight, the alarm clock will not ring, a pipe will burst at home, etc.). d)
“I'm straight” - a person always tells the truth about everything and never embellishes to make himself look better.

All of the above principles play a positive role in the process of establishing contacts between people. There are several principles due to which the interlocutor may form a negative opinion.

“I am reserved” - a person has difficulty making contact, he does not want to provide information about himself and is not ready for a productive dialogue.
“I’m not sure” - a person will always doubt his abilities; he will not be able to give an affirmative answer to any question.

Such qualities will allow the interlocutor to understand what kind of person is sitting in front of him, and whether he will have a desire to continue communicating with him.

Stage four - pitfalls

The fourth stage begins when the process of establishing business contact has dragged on for several days. With close proximity, partners will begin to notice that they know incomplete information about each other. You can find out the truth about these “pitfalls” only by acting as an initiator. For example, it seemed to you that the person with you was not direct and open enough. Ask him and carefully analyze his reaction. This method will quickly dispel all possible doubts.

Fifth stage - adaptation

The last (final) stage of establishing contact involves the partners’ adaptation to each other. By this period, two psychological objects already know all the positive and negative qualities about each other. Now they can, based on this information, find an approach to their partner.

What is it for?

It’s worth talking separately about why you need to develop this connection in the process of communication:

It is important to know the techniques and ways of establishing contact with the client in order to gain his trust. A properly organized conversation will put him in a positive mood - this is the basis of a productive relationship.
These qualities are essential during an interview. A person who is neatly dressed, speaks well and has positive communication principles has a better chance of getting this job.
Every businessman should know about the process of establishing and developing contacts. Proper communication will have a huge impact on his performance. Who would want to cooperate with an ignoramus who is unpleasant to communicate with?
Proper organization of relationship building is necessary for every person. After all, every day people closely interact with other individuals in shops, restaurants, transport and other public places. “Quality” communication creates a positive opinion about yourself.

Feedback

Feedback is another technique for establishing contact. This approach will allow you to form the right opinion about your interlocutor.

You need to pay attention to how a person answers the question posed. If he looks into your eyes, this indicates that he is extremely interested, the topic of communication is really close to him. A languid glance at the furnishings in the room or at the window indicates a lack of interest.
It is a very good sign if a person takes some notes in a notebook during a conversation. This suggests that he approaches negotiations responsibly. You should pay attention to what points he focused his attention on as much as possible.
During negotiations, various barriers will appear. For example, a person will not understand the decoding of various terms and formulations. It's a good sign if he asks a lot of questions and tries to get to the bottom of the conversation.

Feedback is a very subtle psychological approach. If you want to create a good impression of yourself, it is important to pay attention to these nuances in advance.

Appearance

The most effective way to establish contact during negotiations is to create an attractive image. It is not advisable to dress up in the most expensive suits for an interview. It is important that the image is discreet and neat.

A woman is recommended to wear a stylish dress to negotiations that will highlight all her advantages and hide the flaws of her figure. Another good option is a formal suit. Under no circumstances should clothing show off legs or chest. Such a depraved image is unlikely to inspire confidence in the interlocutor. Hair should be styled as much as possible. It is necessary that the makeup is not provocative, but, on the contrary, emphasizes the natural beauty of the face. For manicure, you should choose discreet varnishes.

A man is recommended to wear a business suit to a meeting. A great alternative would be classic jeans with a shirt. It is not at all necessary that the clothes be from an elite designer. Usually interlocutors pay attention to the quality of shoes and watch brand. An accessory can create a special impression about a person.

We should also talk about the color palette. For an interview, it is not recommended to combine several bright shades. For example, if the blouse or shirt is bright, then accessories, trousers or skirt and shoes should be in a neutral shade.

Non-verbal communication

Nonverbal communication plays an important role. Psychologists call it hidden dialogue. The way a person behaves during a conversation can reveal a lot. For example, if he sits with his hands folded, he is most likely closed or hiding something. An open, relaxed posture indicates his readiness to communicate.

You should be wary if a person is nervous. This may indicate that he is not confident in himself or is hiding something. The following signals will be helpful: if the interlocutor begins to finger something in his hands, for example, actively fiddling with a clothing button or a teaspoon.

You need to carefully examine your facial expression. It’s a huge plus if a person has a friendly smile on his face. This is a sign that he is committed to productive communication.

Establishing contact with the child

We should also talk about establishing contact with the child. If you do this correctly, you can noticeably get closer. There are several effective psychological methods to improve interaction. Among them are the following:

Intense rhythm introduces its own rules into our lives. Mothers are engaged in building their careers, appearance, household chores and other useful things. No matter how hard it is, it’s worth setting aside at least one hour a day to communicate or play with your baby.
You should communicate with your son or daughter as calmly as possible, without raising your tones. If a parent constantly scolds his offspring, then there is a high probability that he will grow up to be an introverted person.
You just need to love your child. Read books with him, go for walks, clean the house, cook together and just chat. Even the most qualified nanny with a pedagogical education cannot replace the care of a beloved mother.

Establishing contact with a child is really very important. It promotes formation between close people, which is important.

Conclusion

If you don’t know how to communicate with people, every interview ends in failure, you have problems in relationships with relatives, then it’s time to think about how to learn how to establish contact between people. A few simple rules will allow you to do this much more successfully.

Initially, this blog was intended as a resource about direct sales. The blog had to be quite narrowly specialized and intended for sales of nicknames engaged primarily in the field of active, direct sales. But soon it became clear that there are topics that are of great importance both in direct sales and in everyday life.

That’s our topic today – how to establish contact. For example, the ability to establish contact in everyday life can come in handy more than once, and it makes no sense to separately discuss moments when this may happen. But in sales, being able to establish contact with the client is task number one. After all, without such a skill it will be extremely difficult to sell something.

Active listening

Active listening has been mentioned more than once on the pages of our website. Let us now mention this phenomenon.

What is active listening? This is, first of all, a set of methods that allows you to both hear your interlocutor, having learned the necessary information, and show your attention.

A person is controlled by processes that the person himself would not like to talk about. This means that the ability to hear your interlocutor allows you to understand what motivates a person.

On the other hand, if the interlocutor sees that he is being listened to, then there are more reasons to speak. There is more comfort and trust in communication.

Interest in the interlocutor

Interest in your opponent is a serious tool for establishing contact. People love to talk about themselves. Therefore, you need to strive to show interest in your interlocutor, and not try to please him.

The most effective way to show interest in your interlocutor is to ask questions about your interlocutor. For example, how does he do what he does or how was he able to achieve something. You yourself have probably witnessed the effectiveness of this approach - you just had to ask the right question and the interlocutor began to talk about himself with interest.

Trying to please your interlocutor without the desire to show sincere interest in the interlocutor can push your interlocutor away from you.

Understand your interlocutor

Every person has a need - a need for understanding. Everyone wants to be understood. Trust is what separates a friend from a stranger.

The simplest and most obvious way to show understanding is to say it in words:

“I understand that you feel irritated/frustrated,” etc.

Directly naming the emotions the other person is feeling is the easiest way to show understanding.

Feeling of self-worth

The need for confirmation of one’s own importance is also a feeling, the satisfaction of which helps to establish contact with the interlocutor. Every person craves to feel significant.

Show genuine interest in people. Once you get past the first impressions stage, you should try to really show people that you care about those you connect with. This means you should care about the person and their goals, hopes, and interests. Being authentic is the most important thing you can do to make real connections; talk to people because you want to know how they are doing, not because you want to use them to get ahead so they can see the difference.

Let them see that you truly care about who they are and what they are about. Spend much more time talking about other people rather than yourself.
If a person tells you about something that happened to them, be it a job interview or a hike, ask a few more follow-up questions to show that you're interested.
If you read a news story about something the person was talking to you about, send them an email with a link to say they might be interested.

Ask people questions about themselves. As your friendship with a person develops, you should try to ask them questions to show that you really want to get to know them more. For now, you can stick to easy topics at first, such as hobbies or pets, then move on to asking about their job, or even background facts or relationships. Let your relationship develop at a natural pace, and ask questions if they seem appropriate.

It shouldn't feel like an interview and you shouldn't ask too many questions at once. As the relationship develops, you can ask more and more to get to know the person better.
You have to open up about as much as the other person does if you want the relationship to work. While the person should feel like you care about them, they shouldn't feel like you're not going to reveal anything about yourself.

Find a common interest that you can enjoy together. One way to build a deeper relationship is to find something to do together to strengthen your bond. If you know that three of your colleagues are book voracious readers like you, organize a book club with them. If several kids in your class enjoy watching football as much as you do, invite them to watch the match together one of the following Sundays. If a neighbor you're starting to form a friendship with loves yoga as much as you do, offer to take a class together. Finding interests to connect with can take your relationship to the next level.

You may have to take the initiative to invite someone to share your interests, but you shouldn't be shy about it. If a person likes you and cares about your mutual interest, then it will be a fun time when you can connect.
Once you start doing things with a person, it seems like you may find that you end up having two or more common interests and your connection will continue to grow.

Open up. You want people to feel like they can come to you if they're struggling, and that they're not competing with anyone who's perfect. You don't have to complain about all your insecurities or problems just yet; as you get to know people, you can open up to them about things like pressing questions about work, as well as the latest fight with your sister. By making an effort to open up about yourself, you show people that you are a person who is open to connecting.

You may think that people like you better if you seem perfect, but in reality, they will be much more open to connecting with you if you prove that you have flaws. This will make your image more human.

Maintain regular communication with people. Another way to build relationships with people is to make sure you stay in touch with them. Tell them how much fun you had over the weekend, or call or text them asking for updates if you knew they had a big event coming up, like a job interview or an important exam. This demonstrates that you think about people when they are not around and that you are truly interested in what they are doing. At the same time, you should not remind yourself too often that they may feel like you are there for them, but do it often enough to deepen your relationship.

Regular short communication builds a more natural and longer-lasting collaboration and will make it easier for you to continue hanging out together.
Just a quick text message wishing the person good luck the night before a big event can help him or her feel like you're worried.

Pay attention. Another thing you can do to encourage people to build a relationship with you is to really pay attention to what they are saying. Remembering on their behalf, from the first time you meet them, to where they are from, what their hobbies are, what their favorite book is, committing these things to memory will make you a more caring friend with whom it is easier to build rapport. If people feel like everything they say to you goes in one ear and out the other, then they are less likely to be willing to open up to you.

If you can remember the name of a person's sister, where they went to college, where in Florida they lived as a child, or any number or detail that they mentioned only once or twice, then they will see that you actually care.
You should also focus on the other person's facial expressions and body language to understand how he or she is really feeling. The person may say that everything is fine, but you will know that something is wrong and you will be a better friend because of it.
Make an effort to listen when people tell you when their birthdays, anniversaries and other special events are, so that you can congratulate them on time.

Take the time to really listen to people. Another way to strengthen your relationships with people is to make an effort to actually listen to them when they talk to you. You should look them in the eyes, put your phone and other distractions aside, and try to absorb the words they say to you. Let them finish speaking instead of interrupting and expressing their opinion. Reserve your judgment and save your advice unless asked for. Listening to people will show them that you really care about them and aren't just talking about yourself.

People in today's world of technology and multitasking are notoriously bad listeners. You can make yourself stand out by making an effort to truly care.
When talking to people, face them and use open facial expressions and gestures to make them feel more comfortable talking to you.
You shouldn't nod or say "uh-huh" every two seconds to show that you're listening. Eye contact, body language and concentration will do this for you.

One of the most effective ways to establish contact with any person is paraphrase, i.e. retelling the interlocutor’s speech in your own words. It sounds quite simple and straightforward, but in fact it will require serious self-discipline and creativity from you.

How does the paraphrase method work?

Paraphrase, or paraphrase, consists of retelling what you heard in your own words.
In this case, several words of the interlocutor can be repeated exactly, especially if these words were emotionally charged and, accordingly, could be of key importance for the meaning of the phrase.

Why is paraphrase so effective? Yes, because your partner gets the feeling that his opinion is really interested in. After all, people love more than anything to listen to their own point of view. Anyone who simply repeats their ideas without mockery automatically falls into the category of “worthy person.”

However, the sincerity of your interest is not required. What is important is simply the technique of processing information.

You may have noticed that television correspondents and presenters readily use the paraphrase method. First, they use the standard phrase: “Did I understand you correctly?” And this is often followed by a repetition of the interlocutor’s words with some distortions in an obvious attempt to direct the conversation in the direction desired by the TV broadcaster. It works, but it's bad form and this type of paraphrase is best avoided.

Also, let's refrain from “parroting” - stupidly repeating after the interlocutor his own words. After all, by doing this you are more likely to cause irritation and achieve the opposite effect.

Benefits of paraphrase

1. You regain control of the situation. In a conflict situation, a stream of accusations may fall upon you. Under no circumstances should you make excuses, as this will lead to an even greater attack on you. We simply include a paraphrase of some part of the “accusatory speech”. It is important that you should not try to paraphrase everything without exception.

For example, your wife accuses you: “My friends saw you yesterday in a restaurant with a vulgar blonde, while I asked you to go to the service station with my car. What a fool I was to get involved with such an irresponsible ladies' man! How right my mother was when she said that with this fruit you will never be happy and it’s time for you to think about divorce!”

Possible paraphrase: “I see that you are very upset about what your friends told you. But it really hurts me to hear that Maria Alekseevna never accepted me and from the very beginning pushed you towards divorce.” As a result, we are temporarily “moving the needle” to safer tracks.

2. Paraphrase makes you look professional. Let's say a client comes to you, dissatisfied with your product or service. We don’t object to him, but simply take out a notepad and write down his complaints in detail in our own words, from time to time asking the client to clarify the details. The person gets the impression that the company is not trying to evade responsibility, but is attentive to the problem and intends to do everything to find a solution. This means that real professionals work here. This will be noted by other clients who may be present during the conversation. By the way, rest assured that outsiders are extremely attentive to such situations, even if they do not directly concern them.

3. The paraphrase warns of “sonic intention.” Very often, people pronounce some important phrase in their heads, and they get the impression that they have already voiced it. This is called “sonic intention” in psychology. For example, your boss wanted to see you with a report by 3:00 pm today and reminded himself about this all day yesterday, but in the end, during the morning five-minute meeting, he forgot to bring the instruction to your attention. At the same time, he remained in his head with the firm conviction that he had said everything. And here you have every chance of running into trouble. because the boss, by definition, is always right. Therefore, do not be lazy to paraphrase your boss when distributing “valuable instructions” in the morning, so that he himself can understand that he missed something.

4. Paraphrase is useful for bosses and young mothers. If you give a task to your subordinates, ask them to repeat in their own words (in their own words!) the tasks assigned to them. This dramatically increases the likelihood that your employees understand you and will try to do exactly what was intended. In addition, during the process of paraphrasing, you will have the opportunity to see the problematic aspects of the situation and make the necessary adjustments.

Young mothers also give instructions to their children while running off to work. “Masha, when you get up, have breakfast, put the laundry in the washing machine and call your grandmother. It’s her birthday today!” Although the child responded to your requests with some grumbling, nothing settled in his dozing head.

So: there is no need to achieve complete awakening of your daughter or son. On the contrary, it is better to use his so-called “hypnagogic state,” i.e., half-awakeness, similar to light hypnosis. In this state, when paraphrasing your requests, they will all be perceived on a subconscious level and throughout the day they will sound like an annoying song that you can’t get out of your head.

By the way, psychologists have long noticed that paraphrase significantly improves working memory and associative thinking. These are, so to speak, additional bonuses of this effective method.

How to develop the art of paraphrase?

We take a small excerpt of a famous literary work, for example the first chapter of Eugene Onegin, and rewrite it in our own words. We don’t pay attention to rhymes, we simply convey the main content. It's funny that on the Internet you can find this novel in verse, retold in criminal slang. Apparently, someone has already practiced a kind of paraphrase.

Then we try to paraphrase a TV presenter reporting current news. Here you will have to try, since television requires information to be presented as quickly as possible. Can you keep up with the presenter within five minutes?

Congratulations - you are a master of paraphrase!

Sergey Bogolepov

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