No one will feel good around you while you feel bad alone with yourself...
In partnerships, we often want to achieve what we failed to achieve in loving our parents.
But this will not happen if the flow of love for parents does not flow first.
Bert Hellinger
Being a woman means learning to be a “follower” and not a “steerer.”
The best thing a woman can do for a man is to accept him for who he is, regardless of his achievements. It is important for him to feel that he is still loved. The energy of unconditional love between a mother and wife provides inner support. This is how a leader grows from a boy, and a man from an insecure husband. It is a woman who gives energy to gain strength.
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A man finds the right purpose in life, and a woman finds a man with the right purpose.
A parable about an ideal woman and man.
There was a man who avoided marriage all his life, and when he was dying at the age of ninety, someone asked him:
- You never got married, but you never said why. Now, standing on the threshold of death, satisfy our curiosity. If there is any secret, at least reveal it now - after all, you are dying, leaving this world. Even if your secret is found out, it will not harm you.
The old man replied:
- Yes, I keep one secret. It's not that I was against marriage, but I was always looking for the perfect woman. I spent all my time searching, and that’s how my life flew by.
- But is it really possible that on the entire huge planet, inhabited by millions of people, half of whom are women, you couldn’t find one single ideal woman?
A tear rolled down the dying old man's cheek. He replied:
- No, I still found one.
The questioner was completely perplexed.
- Then what happened, why didn’t you get married?
And the old man answered:
- That woman was looking for the ideal man...
One day, a young woman of about 30 came to see a psychotherapist and said: “I want to marry, but only to a millionaire. He will help me get myself in order - have plastic surgery, learn to be a designer and raise my children...” This was an ambitious statement, the psychotherapist immediately clarified: “How will you attract him to at least get to know him?” She looked with surprise: “Let him get to know me... (and then added after a pause)... Well... I don’t know... I’ll cook for him, because he’s tired of restaurant food...”. “Why, because he has a cook?” The client became thoughtful. She thought about herself, about solving her problems, like the old man in the parable, but not about the interests of her other half. And, nevertheless, relationships are a whole science, they are the interests of both parties.
A video about destiny, about conflicts in the family, about the stages of love, about why a woman can’t get married, why a 38-year-old man can’t get married, about money and what kind of business is thriving, about women’s and men’s responsibility. And a lot more wisdom about life.
And again quotes:
Loyalty is the strength that keeps a relationship going. A man, if he does not see fidelity in a woman’s eyes, he cannot build a relationship with her. He cannot bring her a salary, because for him salary is life. He gives his life energy to the woman who is faithful to him. Loyalty means: this is my only person with whom I have connected my life, I don’t need others.
Oleg Torsunov.
The attraction of souls turns into friendship, the attraction of the mind turns into respect, the attraction of bodies turns into passion. And only together can everything turn into love.
A man brings prosperity, activity, protection to the family, and a woman brings mood and a warm atmosphere.
Love Men is the best recipe for youth and beauty Women...
And the Love of a Woman is the best recipe for the strength and success of a Man.
Real intimacy only comes when you become completely open. We all hide a thousand and one things, not only from others, but also from ourselves.
And if you are ready for intimacy, the other person, thanks to your courage, will also decide to reciprocate intimacy. Your simplicity and trust will allow him to enjoy your simplicity, innocence, trust and love.
If you begin to realize that you are afraid of intimacy, this can be a moment of truth for you, it can become a revolution. Then you begin to throw away everything that you were previously ashamed of and accept your nature as it is.
Say only what you think. This life is so short and you shouldn't waste it thinking about all sorts of consequences.
Millions of people lived on this earth, but who remembers their names? You are only here for a few days, and they are not given to you to waste them living in hypocrisy and fear.
You can live your whole life believing only what they say about you, depending on the opinions of others. We are always afraid - what will others think of us? When they think badly of you, when they begin to judge you, you also begin to judge yourself.
Don't teach others, don't try to change them.
To be true means to be true to yourself. It is very, very dangerous, and people achieve it very rarely, but when you achieve it, you achieve everything - you achieve such beauty, such nobility, which you could not even dream of.
Osho.
Cosmetics, beautiful clothes, jewelry, dancing, compliments, massage, flowers and sweet foods improve the condition of a woman’s hormonal system. She can't be stopped from doing this. This is her health.
A man is the one who acts, and a woman is the one who gives strength or takes away strength to act. A woman is an environment that either catalyzes activity or, on the contrary, burns it out.
Men experience elation and a surge of strength when they feel needed.
Women feel uplifted and empowered when they feel cared for.
According to Vedic knowledge, a person should reduce his expectations from loved ones and increase the fulfillment of his responsibilities.
To the extent that he is able to do this, he will be happy in family life.
Men do not dare to build relationships, do not take responsibility for a woman, because they are afraid that they do not have sufficient material level. But in reality, a woman does not need financial help. Her negative destiny does not come through depriving her of money or social recognition, but through a deep sense of isolation. The most terrible manifestation, as the Vedas say, of a woman’s plight is her feeling: “Despite the fact that there are thousands of people around me, I feel terribly lonely, isolated.” The greatest help a man can give her is to simply be there to soften this feeling.
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A family is where the husband is revered, the wife is loved, the children are carefree and happy...
Civil marriage seems to give people the opportunity to have very great rights - the opportunity to live without having to marry, it’s very convenient, right? But who suffers from such a marriage? Nobody thinks about it. The woman suffers because a civil marriage does not oblige the man to do anything; if he leaves, the woman remains with the child. She begins to suffer because she needs to support herself and her child, and a woman’s body is not designed to work very hard and earn money. It is intended for completely different purposes. As a result, the woman experiences enormous difficulties. Thus, civil marriage is not an achievement of humanity!
Take care of each other, now is a time when it is very difficult to find something truly worthwhile, real! And because of our stupid pride, at the slightest mistake, we immediately give up our happiness...
A man's respect for a woman is taking responsibility for her and caring for her. It is necessary to recognize that the wife is the most fragile, tender and important creature in the Universe - and to communicate with her in the right mood. This is very difficult for a man, because what he wants most from a woman is from e to c a.
A woman’s fidelity is beautiful when it is directed at a person who at least somewhat values it. And not the one who shows with all his appearance: “Well, if you want to be faithful, go ahead, be faithful.”
Therefore, a woman’s faith is associated with the quality of fidelity. If she trusts a man too much, she can become a naive fool. If she doesn't trust men at all, she will become smart and lonely. Here are two options: naive and heartbroken or smart and lonely.
Therefore, it is important for a woman to choose a worthy man so as not to fall into these two extremes. And never be “early faithful” to a man who is still at the stage of uncertainty, while the woman has already figured out in her head that he is her husband.
Girls need to know that it is serious young men who behave more restrained who are real husbands.
A man has it written on his forehead how to treat him. And my wife writes this.
- What does a woman need to do for a man to achieve everything?
- Respect your man.
For a woman to respect a man is to acknowledge his opinion. If a woman agrees with a man’s opinion and acknowledges it, he is ready to do whatever she wants for her. And if she wants to show that she is better, more important and smarter, then there will be no peace in the family.
It is very useful for a woman to write down the positive qualities of her husband on a piece of paper - and constantly add to the list. It’s better even in a large general notebook :)
Why is a person perceived one way at the beginning of a relationship, but a few years later, completely differently? You need to perceive a person the way you treated him at the beginning of the relationship and understand that everything else is just tests that need to be overcome.
Quarrels would not last so long if only one side was to blame.
According to Vedic knowledge, the most basic problem in family relationships is ignorance of one’s responsibilities. Oddly enough, many people believe that responsibilities in the family are created by the people who live in the family, i.e. I myself decide what a woman should do, what a man should do, and as a result of this big problems happen.
The Vedas say that the mind and intelligence flee from where there is violence. When it is said simply, a person accepts. When said with pressure, a person cannot accept.
A man is responsible for the external life of the family, for its wealth, for its attitude in society, for how the children in the family will live, how they will be raised, for how the family progresses in spiritual life - the husband is responsible for this. The wife is responsible for the internal life of the family. And if a woman does not understand this, then she has no chance of having a happy family life. Because in a woman’s body there is one advantage - a woman’s mind, a woman’s feelings are six times stronger than a man’s. Therefore, a woman creates an atmosphere in the family that operates in all directions.
A woman's strength is in her weakness. In a man, at the level of instinct, it is inherent to protect the weak. When a woman begins to fight with a man (for example, accusations, claims), then the man ceases to feel that she needs to be protected and cared for.
Hindus say that for every man his wife is the most beautiful. But if a man does not care, the subtle nature of a woman is not revealed. A woman lives like a closed flower.
People who do not have the knowledge of how to do the right thing most often do the exact opposite. They try to change their relatives and, according to Vedic knowledge, this idea itself and such actions further aggravate problems in family relationships, which leads to the complete degradation of these relationships.
Coquetry with someone other than your husband is a type of betrayal.
If a person really studies spiritual knowledge, he knows that there is no friendship between a man and a woman, which means that this friendship is not just friendship, and then everything will go according to a well-known pattern. Those who do not understand all this are under the influence of the first enemy of man - lust.
A woman's mind is like fluff, it often changes its mind. A man's mind is like a locomotive. It's hard to move, but once you move it, it's hard to stop. And it can only be moved by Love.
The wife is the purity of the husband, the husband is the determination of the wife.
Only outwardly a woman is weak, but all the strength in the family comes through the woman.
If a woman is too stingy, then the man does not want to work, and then she herself begins to work a lot.
When a man begins to look after a woman, take care of her, take care of her, fulfill her duties - this is also a duty - the entire hormonal system of a woman, with the power of her calm mind, begins to act in such a way that she suddenly becomes stunningly beautiful precisely for this man.
If you look at the scandal through the eyes of a Saint: Two people are arguing, calling each other names, starting to fight... He sees that one person is suffering and the other is suffering, and they are trying to explain to each other that they are hurt...
About women's asceticism.
Women's asceticism is aimed at character formation, men's is associated with deprivation. A woman should not go hungry, get up too early, or douse herself with cold water. But women mostly do it because it's easier for them. But such austerities, masculine, coarse a woman’s heart.
Women's austerities mean washing with love, not just washing, but with love; not just cook, but with love, selflessly, without being greedy. Learn to bless: the husband went to work - bless him: so that everything goes well with you... The child goes for a walk - the same thing. Women's ascetics are associated with women's life: loving, caring, feeding the hungry... Sacrifice, giving something from home.
Women's austerities cleanse the family. Then the woman becomes happy in life.
A faithful wife becomes the best friend for her husband, if this is not the case, then there is no prosperity in the house, poverty.
If you treat your loved one as the best, he will treat you well and prosperity will come to your home.
Once the Teacher asked his students:
- Why, when people quarrel, do they shout? “Because they are losing their calm,” said one.
“But why shout if another person is next to you?” asked the Teacher. - Can't you talk to him quietly? Why shout if you're angry?
The students offered their answers, but none of them satisfied the Teacher. Finally he explained:
- When people are unhappy with each other and quarrel, their hearts move away. In order to cover this distance and hear each other, they have to shout. The angrier they get, the louder they scream.
- What happens when people fall in love? They do not shout, on the contrary, they speak quietly. Because their hearts are very close, and the distance between them is very small.
And when they fall in love even more, what happens? - continued the Teacher. - They don’t speak, they just whisper and become even closer in their love. In the end, they don’t even need to whisper. They just look at each other and understand everything without words. This happens when two loving people are nearby.
So, when you argue, do not allow your hearts to move away from each other, do not utter words that further increase the distance between you. Because a day may come when the distance becomes so great that you will not find your way back.
The absolute condition of love is openness; Ideally, it is mutual, but sometimes the openness on the part of one loving person is such that it is enough for two. But openness can be scary for us. Opening up means becoming vulnerable; to open up means to depend for your joy and your pain on another person. And this can only be done if we have enough faith in another person. ...
Once, one very good man told me about love... He compared the heart to tape, ordinary adhesive tape... He said a very wise thing, explaining it very simply...
“Our heart is like duct tape. So they tore off a piece and glued it to the wall... Peeled it off the wall and glued it to the cabinet, but it doesn’t stick well anymore... Peeled it off from the cabinet and glued it to the window sill and that’s it... the stickiness was gone... the tape barely sticks to the window sill and its stickiness is not enough to stick it a really necessary thing... The same goes for your heart... You give it to one, another, a third, and when you meet the one, the only and the best - there is no stickiness, no fire, no that former tenderness... and then it’s too late to think.”
Parable:
One day two sailors set off on a journey around the world to find their
fate. They sailed to an island where the leader of one of the tribes had two
daughters. The eldest is beautiful, but the youngest is not so much.
One of the sailors said to his friend:
That’s it, I found my happiness, I’m staying here and marrying the leader’s daughter.
Yes, you're right, the leader's eldest daughter is beautiful and smart. You made the right choice - get married.
You don't understand me, friend! I will marry the chief's youngest daughter.
Are you crazy? She's so... not really.
This is my decision and I will do it.
He drove ten cows and approached the leader.
Leader, I want to marry your daughter and I will give ten cows for her!
It's a good choice. My eldest daughter is beautiful, smart, and worth ten cows. I agree.
No, leader, you don't understand. I want to marry your youngest daughter.
Are you joking? Don't you see, she's so... not very good.
I want to marry her.
Okay, but as an honest person I can’t take ten cows, she’s not worth it. I'll take three cows for her, no more.
No, I want to pay exactly ten cows.
They merried.
Several years have passed, and the wandering friend is already on his way
ship, decided to visit the remaining comrade and find out how he was doing
life. He arrived, walked along the shore, and was met by a woman of unearthly beauty.
He asked her how to find his friend. She showed. He comes and sees:
his friend is sitting, kids are running around.
How are you?
I'm happy.
Then that same beautiful woman comes in.
Here, meet me. This is my wife.
How? Did you get married again?
No, it's still the same woman.
But how did it happen that she changed so much?
And you ask her yourself.
A friend approached the woman and asked:
Sorry for my tactlessness, but I remember what you were like... not very much. What happened to make you so beautiful?
It’s just that one day I realized that I was worth ten cows.
Damn, there’s another accident ahead!” the pretty woman sitting in the front seat said to herself, “at this rate, I’ll be late for work and I’ll delay you.” Still, it would be better if I took the metro, I’m worried about you...
“It’s not worth it,” answered her fellow traveler, a gorgeous man, “you know, it doesn’t matter to me what time I arrive, I just need to check how things are there.” We're almost there, about fifteen minutes left, but you'll be a little late.
“Well, okay,” Zhanna said, not at all nervous, “I don’t care, as usual, nothing will happen.”
On the road, everyone continued to honk disgustingly, moo and get nervous. Outwardly, I tried not to worry, reassuring myself that I was always lucky. And the truth is not rare! When she was young, her parents didn’t notice; at work, Zhanna inspired everyone’s trust. Zhanna was very calculating, but in a good sense of the word, punctual, in some ways even smart, calm, and attractive. Perhaps the secret of success lay in her character.
From the provinces I managed to move to Moscow, graduate from a prestigious university, get a job without connections, after a while I managed to buy a two-room apartment, but, of course, not without the help of my parents. In general, I was very lucky, and I was always lucky: at school, on the personal front, at the university, at work.
They drove up to the porch of her office. Lesha touched her lips with his, and she left the new Audio. She was the editor of one of the many glossy magazines. She liked this job, although the pay was not that much. Money never came first, probably because it was never a big problem.
“We’ve already been waiting for you,” the elderly man in glasses said with a smile, “I think it’s necessary to discuss our new project with you.”
“I probably caused you a lot of inconvenience, Lev Sergeevich, it’s just these traffic jams...” Zhanna said stammeringly, with such a naive face that saying anything against her would have been more than cruel.
- Nothing, nothing, Zhanna Alexandrovna, don’t worry about us, please go to my office after you’ve laid out the documents.
“As usual,” Zhanna thought and went to the boss’s office, greeting the employees, the male half of whom always slowly followed her with their gaze if she passed by. Not to say that she was a model, but she attracted the opposite sex. She was quite tall, and at the same time graceful. Jeanne's pale skin harmoniously matched her thick light brown hair and green eyes. Long, slender legs, small breasts, narrow lips, wide hips - everything seemed to be the idea of an artist who depicted a truly beautiful woman. Although Zhanna herself did not consider herself better than others, she never sought to stand out from the crowd with makeup, clothes or her opinion, no, she did not always agree with others, but it was not difficult for her to restrain her emotions.
She treated the employees almost neutrally, just as they treated each other - she always knew how to integrate into the team. Nevertheless, relationships developed with everyone, but she did not put the slightest effort into this; there were no unnecessary compliments, excessive attention, or gifts on her part. People walked back and forth past her, in the evening shadows from cars passed across her table near the window - everything merged into a common mass. When she didn’t want anything from them, she didn’t notice, being inside herself at work, she didn’t think that there was anyone else, they were never of interest to her, like all other people, but I don’t want to talk about loved ones like that.
At that time, she could name only three of them: mother, father and Lesha. About five years ago, her older sister was very close to her, despite the fact that they were nothing alike. After school, Lyuba went to Moscow, but had to return - it didn’t work out. Zhanna didn’t worry about her, more about herself, although there was no reason. In general, she wasn’t worried about anyone, but sometimes it didn’t seem so to her, telling lies to her loved ones and not so much, she began to believe in her words.
Lev Sergeevich expressed his opinion, then the employees began to constantly walk around the office, then gray figures ran across the white paper, Lesha called and asked: “should I pick it up or not?”, the working day was over. The affirmative “no” killed his hope. He did a good job of portraying it, no one else could understand this subtle artistry, but she was sure: “I still do it better.”
She left the office, bought a pack of cigarettes at a nearby kiosk, and smoked a couple of them on the way to the subway. There were very few people inside; during the first three stops, almost no one entered. Opposite sat two raunchy youngsters, loudly discussing their latest adventure. There were more and more people closer to the center, she liked to look at their exhausted faces. She studied the rough faces of former prisoners, the soft features of children, everyone was so different, but equally boring and tired. It’s not that she liked riding the subway, she just didn’t want to spend an extra half an hour in traffic jams, monotonously answering her beloved’s questions.
I returned home, he was already there. Stupid answers to stupid questions, then he began to walk around the apartment, just like office workers, like people on the subway, aimlessly and without thinking about anything. Looking at the turned off TV, Zhanna was completely immersed in herself, in her thoughts, but suddenly...
- Let's talk!
“About what,” Zhanna said after a long silence.
- Do you think that we have few common themes?
“Why so rude?” she said, moving closer.
“Really?” Lesha said and smiled, he was in a bad mood, but his gaze, imbued with confidence and something else incomprehensible, for some reason made him calm down every time.
“So we talked!” Zhanna said ironically.
“I just...” he showed with all his appearance that it was difficult for him to speak, “well, remember, we talked about the future and all that?” You also said that you are not in the mood to think about such “global topics.”
- Well…
- You see, I’m already thirty-two - I don’t know what will happen next.
“And...” Zhanna drawled.
-You really don't care about the future?
- You know, I’m not talking about that? Everything worries me very much, and the future, which constantly turns out to be the present, yes... it seems that we are going further and further,... but for some reason we begin to regret it, and we find ourselves at the starting point. How many times has this happened to you and me! Many at our age already have children, no,... these should be your words...
Lesha moved closer to Zhanna. It was written on his face that he was trying hard to understand her, but it was not working, and he felt sorry (not for their relationship, but for her). He placed her tanned legs, bent at the knees, on his, then unbuttoned her blouse and touched her icy waist. She was wearing a pink lace bra that barely covered her small breasts. Lesha took it off and placed it on the back of the sofa.
“I can’t imagine my life without you,” said Lesha, touching her nipples with his lips.
“Can you imagine my life without you?” Zhanna smiled and began to unbutton his shirt. And then I thought: “I’m definitely better at this!” And why does this man want children from me? Maybe he was the first to see that gray crowd with exhausted faces, and it seemed to him that they were waiting for him less than me, and felt colder, and lied more harshly... But I didn’t understand... Why?
After the shared passions, everyone pretended to fall asleep for a long time. Zhanna was the first to break down. She got up, put on a robe, went out onto the balcony, and in the corner was lying the day before yesterday’s half-empty pack of cigarettes. She squatted down and lit a cigarette. Behind the brown bars there was a sunset, there was a blinding summer, fraught with so much new and again new. The almost set sun gently kissed her face, it seemed to be pleasant for the two of them, it seemed that it was still here only for her sake. She looked at her cigarette; it had burned out, although Zhanna did not have time to take even three puffs. “It’s all your fault, but I still love you...” thought Zhanna. This made her remember that it was time to go back, at the same moment her soul screamed: “Why the hell are you with me!”
The most destructive illusion is the idea that a man and a woman are two poles of a person and the relationship between any woman and any man must obey the same laws.
In human society, there are at least four marriage types of men and women, radically different from each other, and four main types of marriage, each of which requires a completely special life strategy and tactics.
The four main types of marriage have their own purpose and purpose. One and the same action or phenomenon in one marriage can be a great good, and in another - a great evil. Therefore, it is important to understand the main thing: there is not a single recipe and not a single rule that is equally applicable to all marriages. Just as there is not a single obviously successful or obviously unsuccessful marriage. Any marriage, if treated correctly, can be saved, but if treated incorrectly, the most successful one can be ruined. Of course, the whole problem of marriage does not come down to the exact execution of instructions. Yes, this is impossible. As a rule, when entering social life, it already carries with it a certain stereotype of marriage. And no matter which of the four types of marriage he finds himself in, he will still try to realize his ideal of marriage. This is largely due to national and cultural traditions. If the national stereotype assumes the primacy of the husband in the family, then it is difficult to count on success in an equal or spiritual marriage. If the idea of sexual relations dominates, then it will be more difficult to carry out a nested marriage.
The marriage of parents plays a huge role in the formation of the initial attitude. Very often, children subconsciously strive to repeat it or, conversely, create something diametrically opposite.
And yet it is necessary to understand that marriage is completely manageable. Unlike love, a mystical feeling, it is based on reason, and adjustment of the relationship between spouses in marriage is possible. More often than not, life becomes the teacher in marriage. Spouses trying to maintain their union try different options and often find a way out.
But moving blindly is too difficult and unreliable, life is short, and strength is not limitless. The crisis facing modern marriage is evidence of this. A person no longer relies on religion and law, as in the past, but he himself seeks ways to his family happiness.
The point, in fact, is not so much the happiness of the parents, but the fact that without a normal marriage the very life of society is unthinkable: the crippled psyche of children, the collapse of social life - this is the price of the disintegrating institution of marriage.
If you have not yet created a family or are adjusting your union, then you need to understand one thing: whatever your marriage stereotypes, by creating a family of one of four types, you can achieve success in marriage only if your family develops according to the laws which this particular union dictates, otherwise the family will not work.
Summarizing the material we have accumulated, we can say that the most optimal marriage in young years is nesting. He is extremely seductive with the ease of establishing relationships and the quickly achieved harmony. An indispensable condition for this type of marriage is raising children. Actually, this is the only marriage in which a person is like all living beings that meet, as we know, subject to the law of procreation.
Leo Tolstoy and Sofya Andreevna, Chaliapin and Tornagi, Meyerhold and Zinaida Reich, Nicholas II and Alexandra Feodorovna, Marx - in their marriages, raising children played a paramount role. Marina Vladi and Vladimir Vysotsky entered into a nesting union, and even though creativity occupied a large place in their lives, children were important to them. For all twelve years they have been trying to unite the children from all their marriages; dreams of a Home run like a red thread through the memories of Marina Vladi.
“I really wanted to be able to communicate with your sons - I see that you yourself are suffering from all this. And then, my three boys come to us for the holidays, you love them very much, but you probably regret that your own children are not with us.
Your relationship with... my sons... is more like an accomplice... You remain accomplices to the end. As adults, they will be your best lawyers before me and... will always defend their friend Volodya from everyone and against all odds."
Of course, this is not just about children; in these marriages, a peaceful, calm environment is very important; children allow spouses not to come into too close contact, coloring communication with their mediation and the need to take care of them. The Mandelstams did not have children, but such a marriage allowed Osip Emilievich to maintain his creative individuality and feel free.
In this marriage, it is very important to prevent attempts to improve an already good relationship. The desire to deepen contact and engage in a common cause can destroy the harmony of life together.
That is why difficulties began in Tolstoy’s marriage; Chaliapin had to divorce Iola Tornaghi. Great personalities begin to seek closer contact with their spouse; what becomes more important to them is not freedom of creativity and personality, but empathy and participation in creativity.
Children will not be a hindrance in another case of a not too deep marriage - romantic.
In society, the attitude towards marriage for the sake of tender and unquenchable feelings is just as widespread as for marriage for the sake of children. A romantic marriage inspires a person, inspires him, calls him to exploits, to conquer peaks. For those who dream of such a life, we will remind you of the beautiful love of the Master and Margarita (Bulgakov), Bukharin and Larina, Nikolai and Raisa Ostrovsky.
But maintaining tender feelings in this marriage also requires certain conditions. It is built on illusions that cannot be destroyed. Collisions with everyday troubles are disastrous for him. If in a nested marriage everyday life is a help, then in a romantic marriage it is a hindrance.
Finally, the third ideal of marriage is the marriage of equal people, spouses and associates. This ideal is realized in a union of equals. Usually, while the first two marriages begin to sparkle immediately, it takes some time and work for a marriage of equals to flourish. It is for mature people who are obsessed with business. After the nesting, Chaliapin enters into an equal marriage with Maria Petzold. Dostoevsky did not come to his marriage with Snitkina right away either, as a mature master, just when he began to need a wife - a comrade-in-arms.
Lenin and Krupskaya were comrades in the revolutionary struggle. The absence of children in such a union is not a disadvantage. The main thing is the common cause. Let us remember Turgenev and Polina Viardot, as well as the cinematic marriages of Shukshin, Rossellini and Bergman, Klimov and Shepitko.
In such a marriage, spouses communicate as equals, and this communication should be realized in a common cause.
And finally, the fourth type of marriage is spiritual. Like no other, it contains almost all marriage ideals and attitudes and therefore places increased demands on a person. For such a union to sparkle with all its colors, it takes not only time, but also painstaking, continuous work.
In their youth, such a marriage was not possible for many; even such titans of the spirit as Blok and Tsvetaeva had difficulty achieving harmony in it.
Nevertheless, it is better to enter into a spiritual marriage in a young age, since individuality has not yet been fully formed and a person easily merges and does not defend his originality.
Spiritual marriage is very difficult in young years, but it becomes a gift of fate after 10, 15, 20 years of marriage. A mature person strives for maximum spirituality.
Some enter into a spiritual marriage in their youth and get used to it all their lives, others - in adulthood, when after a period of independent realization the time of spiritual quest comes. Thus, Tyutchev found his last, Elena Denisyeva, precisely in his declining years and found happiness in a spiritual union.
Nicholas Roerich and Helena Roerich are perhaps the most striking example of a spiritual union. They did not waste time searching for the right path in marriage, but on a whim or thanks to their high spirituality, they immediately embarked on it.
Awareness of the heterogeneity of marriages is not a call for polygamy and polyandry. Everyone just needs to realize that they are always faced with a choice. A person needs to understand what is dearer to him: children, love passion, work, spiritual intimacy.
Well, the most important thing is to realize that you cannot expect everything from any marriage at once.
Perhaps the main mistake of everyone who gets married is precisely that they want everything from marriage at once: a smooth life, bright love, children, and spiritual intimacy. It is very difficult to understand that this is completely impossible, but it is necessary; this is precisely the main idea of the philosophy of marriage.
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4. Love, marriage, family
Family and problems of interpersonal compatibility . The family constitutes an essential link in the chain of social existence, because each nation and state is composed of individual families: the family is the first basis of the state. The family is the primary unit of society, uniting spouses and their offspring. In a family, an individual, sacrificing some of his own characteristics, enters as a member of a certain whole. Family life is associated with the gender and age division of labor, housekeeping, mutual assistance of people in everyday life, the intimate life of spouses, procreation, and therefore the reproduction of the people, raising a new generation, as well as with moral, legal and psychological relations. The family is the most important instrument for individual personality development: it is here that the child first joins social life, learns its values, norms of behavior, ways of thinking, and language. In other words, a family is a school of education, the transfer of life experience, and worldly wisdom.
A full-fledged marriage relationship between a man and a woman presupposes the separateness of the connecting couple, that is, such a connection by virtue of which they do not exclude, but mutually rely on each other, each finding in the other the fullness of their own life. Only under this condition can we talk about the true compatibility of the spouses. The problem of interpersonal compatibility is an extremely subtle and incredibly complex problem. People who enter into communication (in the process of communication, joint work, study, play activities or personal relationships between a man and a woman) turn out to be compatible or incompatible, or even completely incompatible. Interpersonal compatibility is the mutual acceptance of communication partners, joint activities or married life, based on the optimal combination (similarity or complementarity) of value orientations, social and moral positions, tastes, temperaments and characters, emotional and intellectual level and mood, worldview, attitude towards work, etc. In relationships between a man and a woman, in friendship and love, a number of personal qualities play an important role, for example, the possibility of erotic mutual satisfaction. The psychological subtlety of sexual mutual satisfaction, and thus compatibility, lies, among other things, in whether a woman is able to give herself to a man, wanting to give him maximum pleasure, in turn, a man does the same for a woman, or whether each of them selfishly strives get maximum pleasure for yourself without worrying about your partner. (By the way, this is largely what the power of mutual love rests on, to the extent that they are impressed by the erotic aspect of the relationship. After all, a man and a woman can also have other very imperative value orientations.) The criterion for interpersonal compatibility is the partners’ satisfaction with the result and, most importantly, process of interaction, when each of them meets the demands of the other, there is no need to create special conditions for establishing mutual understanding and constantly sort things out. With interpersonal compatibility, as a rule, mutual sympathy, respect, and confidence in the favorable outcome of future contacts arise, that is, in the reliability of the relationship.
It is generally accepted that men, as a rule, are “individuals” of the brutally active sex, and women are “individuals” of the more reserved and expectant sex. Women are amazingly sophisticated souls. The power of their intuition is sometimes worth the genius of other men. Nature has rewarded them with greater vitality and sophisticated intuitiveness than men, which is very necessary in life: after all, nature has entrusted them with a complex and especially subtle responsibility.
Marriage is a legally formalized relationship between a man and a woman. “The connection between two persons of different sexes, called marriage, is not just a natural, animal union and not just a civil contract, but first of all a moral union that arose on the basis of mutual love and trust, turning the spouses into one person.”
About love. The emotional, psychological, moral and aesthetic basis of marriage is love, although not every marriage is based on this feeling, and love can exist outside of marriage. Family is a natural nest of love, respect and mutual care. Love is beautiful when it is mutual and when we love wholeheartedly, sincerely and faithfully. Archimedes aptly said: love is a theorem that must be proven every day.
Love is an individually selective feeling, which is expressed in deep and lasting experiences, in the constant focus of thought and deeds towards a loved one, in a free, selfless and selfless desire for him. To love is also the desire to be loved. Love, in the sense of erotic pathos, always has as its own object physicality and mental and emotional pleasure from mutual possession and mutual bestowal. It also manifests itself in dedication, self-giving and the spiritual interconnection that arises on this basis. Natural, spiritual differences and even opposites form unity in love. Love has a huge impact on the formation of personality, on its self-affirmation, on the identification of its creative potential.
The moral nature of love is revealed in its focus not just on a being of the other sex, which is characteristic of direct sensual attraction, but on a person with his individual uniqueness. The aesthetic side of love is manifested in the fact that a loved one causes an amazing rise in vitality, a play of imagination, a heightened sense of admiration, lasting joy, pangs of doubt, suffering, and in general the whole internally contradictory, but generally colorful bouquet of enchanting emotional experiences. True mutual love contains its other: “he is hers, and she is his.” Those who truly love believe, according to S.N. Bulgakov, cannot help but believe that a loved one has, in any respect, exceptional merits, represents an individually unique and, as such, irreplaceable value. Moreover, he sees these advantages, he feels this value.
History of marriage and family relations. Like everything human, love is historical. Love, marriage and family arose and developed along with the emergence and development of man and human society. True, monogamy is also observed in some animals, but it is dictated by instinct and natural selection.
In ancient times, sexual relations were promiscuous and families did not exist. Every woman belonged to every man and equally every man belonged to every woman. This was opposed only by animal jealousy, which was curbed by the commonality of material interests of the primitive collective. Subsequently, sexual relations developed along the lines of excluding parents and children, and then brothers and sisters.
Group marriage arose in clan society. The men and women who had sexual intercourse belonged to different clans. All women of one kind were potential wives of all men of another kind. The couple lived in their respective births. Children, knowing only the mother, were part of her clan, or the maternal family - a group of closest relatives on the female side. Subsequently, episodic cohabitation that arose within the framework of group marriage led to paired marriage and fragile paired families. The separate settlement of the spouses eventually gave way to the husband's settlement in the wife's clan, but the children still belonged to the mother's clan. The paired family did not yet run its own household and therefore was not an economic unit of society. This early stage of family development is characterized by equality of spouses, and with a developed matriarchy - the primacy of women: women's labor (farming) was more effective than men's (hunting). After “male” types of labor (cattle breeding, the use of draft power and more complex tools in agriculture) acquired a decisive role in the economic life of society and the family, matriarchy was replaced by patriarchy. The patriarchal family arose, and with it monogamy. The wife moved to live with her husband's family. The children began to inherit their father's property and name. With the advent of private property and the institution of inheritance, a strong guarantee of fidelity was required from a woman for economic reasons. And the laws of the state, and moral norms, and religious prescriptions were aimed at subordinating women to the power of men in the family. The strength of the family was bought at the price of a categorical prohibition for a woman to divorce. If previously a girl could choose her husband and marriage was carried out according to mutual inclination, now the principles of buying and selling, ransom, and the problem of dowry often invade marriage relations. At the same time, the responsibility of parents for the upbringing and fate of children increases significantly, and such moral principles as chastity, mutual duty of spouses, and a sense of family honor and dignity are formed. In a slave society, slaves were often deprived of the opportunity to have a family; Among slave owners, monogamy sometimes developed into polygamy for men, and into prostitution for women. Under feudalism, family relationships and marriage were strongly influenced by the class hierarchy of society. In general, the husband's power in the family becomes less tyrannical. A woman gains independence in running a household and raising children, although her lot remains difficult. In a peasant family under feudalism, and then under capitalism, the relationship between husband and wife was contradictory: economic interests were combined with work morality, with respect for the working woman, the mistress of the house. Capitalism has determined the development of the family in the direction of greater economic independence for women throughout the entire period of married life: in a number of countries, a woman retains the rights to the capital that belongs to her.
A significant part of a person’s life takes place in conditions called everyday life. Everyday life is the social environment in which a person lives when, as a rule, he is not engaged in production and social activities. Everyday life is an integral part of people’s social life and is connected by many threads with all other aspects of society as a whole. In everyday life, certain characteristics of a person’s personality are formed; mood, performance and, to a large extent, health depend on the improvement of everyday life. In everyday life, a person not only relaxes, but also satisfies his material and cultural needs. Living conditions and means of satisfying needs are influenced by the geographical environment, customs, mores, traditions of peoples, national and social differences, culture, etc.
The higher the level of civilization, the wider and more diverse the range of things and services that people need. Just as in the process of historical development, people develop a set of techniques and skills for production activities, so in the consumption of material and spiritual values, customs, tastes, and habits are developed that make up a certain way of life for social and professional groups of people, nations. Humanity has come a long way from a cave, a fire, a hut, torches to comfortable houses and universities. In the future, in a reasonable, highly developed society, universal prosperity, a perfect healthcare system, and a reasonable way of life in society, which will provide a person with health, longevity, and physical perfection, are apparently possible.
The main problem of today is the problem of stability and family strength. The most common reasons for divorce at the first stage of marriage are financial difficulties, psychological incompatibility, sharp cultural differences between spouses, selfishness, etc. The cause of family breakdown is often adultery, drunkenness, drug addiction... Taking on such responsibility for the family, one must be well prepared for married life.
To get a family out of a crisis situation, a high culture of family and marital relations is needed, built on mutual love, feelings of mutual respect, human affection, and duty. The growth of this culture is associated with the general growth of the culture of human relations, the development of morality and humanism. Of great importance in strengthening the modern family is also improving the well-being of people, improving living conditions, improving the system of upbringing and education, as well as improving the quality of medical care.
Love is the greatest value and the basis of a family.
The philosophy of love was reflected in the works of Plato, V.V. Rozanov and other prominent philosophers, but it still awaits its further disclosure and understanding, including taking into account modern realities.
To unravel the mystery of love means, in essence, to recognize the phenomenon of man. Every person tries to overcome loneliness, go beyond the boundaries of his own life, find a moment of unity, and learn the truth of love. Each era has brought its own to the understanding of love. The ancient Greeks perceived love as a deep feeling, sanctified by the gods. Aristotle believed that the pleasure of the body is still a good. Love has sexual sensuality as its source, but is not exhausted by it. There is something more in it - a union of souls, self-disclosure of personality. .
Christianity brought with it a radical redefinition of love. Love began to be understood not only as a human passion, but also as the basis of human existence, as a shrine through which personal wealth is revealed. One of the deepest sources of life satisfaction lies in the love between a man and a woman. But this is one of the most difficult tasks, since in close relationships between people the dark sides in our souls are also revealed. In the New Testament you will not find the Greek word “eros” (erotic love), but the word “agape”, which is given the meaning of “selfless love that seeks the good of others.” In addition, the concept of “philia” – “friendly love” – appears several times.
The flesh in Christianity was seen as the cause of all human misfortunes. Even the most innocent pleasures were declared impermissible. During the Middle Ages, a special type of marriage arose. A man and a woman lived together under the same roof, but did not have sex - it was a spiritual marriage. Sexuality was interpreted by the official church as a destructive passion.
In the culture of the Renaissance, the assertion that man completely belongs to the earthly world was recognized, and the cult of bodily, carnal joys was proclaimed. Love was interpreted as the beginning of humanity and purification.
During the Enlightenment, many ideals of the Renaissance were critically rethought, and love was sometimes interpreted as pure madness, unworthy of a reasonable person.
A new emancipation of passions began in the twentieth century and is associated with the spread of Freudianism and the priority of sexuality in human life. The current sexual revolution, which began in America, spread to Europe and has reached us. In the 21st century there is a decline there, but here in Russia it is in full swing.
Can we define love? What are the elements and characteristics of love? Everyone dreams of a love that would absorb him entirely and last a lifetime, but love is so unpredictable, mysterious, sometimes unattainable... Love can disappear. Erich Fromm wrote: “...love in the full sense of the word can only be considered what seems to be its ideal embodiment, namely, a connection with another person, provided that the integrity of one’s “I” is preserved.” All other forms of love attraction are immature, they can be called a symbiotic relationship, i.e. relationships of coexistence.
Love leads to the fact that two people become one, but at the same time remain two full-fledged individuals. True love is always the opposite of selfishness; it makes a person stronger, happier and more independent.
An atmosphere of love and support in the family helps to form a human personality with spiritual maturity and self-esteem. True love is based on understanding, mutual trust and respect, and not just on emotions. Love means balance, i.e. harmony with yourself and the world.
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Questions for self-control
1. What are social communities?
2. What is social stratification?
3. Name the main historical stages in changes in social inequality.
4. What did the supporters of the distribution theory see as the cause of social inequality?
5. What did e. mean by “market ability”? Gidden?
6. What is social mobility?
7. What is marginality?
8. What are the features of social stratification in modern Russia?
9. What types of family are known in the history of society?
10. What are the functions of the family?
11. How does love affect the life of a person and society?
Test tasks
1. What is the social structure of society?
a) the totality of individuals that make up society;
b) it is the totality of all spheres of social life;
c) a set of relatively stable social groups and communities of people, as well as relationships formed in the process of their interaction;
d) a social community associated with production ties.
2. What is marginality?
a) some types of hoaxes;
b) this is a state of social uncertainty. Loss of connections, identification with one social group without inclusion in another;
c) marginalized – these are homeless, unemployed people;
4) this is a violation of ethical behavior.
3. What is social mobility?
a) transition from one type of activity to another;
b) this is a change in the position of an individual or an entire social group in the system of social stratification;
c) the possibility of changing citizenship;
d) the ability to change mentality under the influence of circumstances.
4. Note the order of change in the forms of family and marital relations in the evolutionary approach:
a) monogamy;
b) promiscuity;
c) couple marriage;
d) group marriage.
5. Which model of a modern family is the most common?
a) single-parent family;
b) nuclear;
c) branched;
d) not a single answer is correct.
6. Which Russian work offers a “forceful” solution to the problems of relationships between husband and wife, parents and children:
a) “An honest mirror of youth”;
b) “Domostroy”;
c) “The Tale of Peter and Fevronia”;
d) “The Treatment Book of Peter Engalychev.”
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