We all make negative judgments sometimes. The cruel voice in my head says: “she has such an ugly haircut,” “what a terrible dress that actress is wearing,” “what a bitch,” “it looks like they are unhappy together.” This voice makes you express negative opinions on topics you know little about, leave nasty comments on blog posts and Instagram, judge a friend’s actions without hearing her point of view, and spread gossip behind other people’s backs.
Of course, it is impossible not to make judgments at all. You need to be able to tell the difference between good and bad and feel strong enough to fight for good when something wrong happens. We need to know what we like and dislike, and what values are important. There is a limit beyond which judgment turns into condemnation. If the first promotes positive changes, then the second carries excessive criticism, which does not help, but harms.
Why is judging harmful?
Convictions have negative consequences. They interfere with problem solving, hurt other people's feelings, and damage self-esteem and happiness. We tell our teenage daughter that the mean comments other girls make stem from envy and insecurity. But we don’t notice that sometimes we ourselves behave like mean girls. And this is also due to our insecurities.
When we make unhelpful harmful remarks, it only makes existing problems worse. Eventually, we begin to judge people so often that it becomes difficult for us to feel gratitude. By depriving us of this feeling, the habit of judgment undermines our happiness and well-being. Research shows that judging other people negatively affects self-esteem. If we criticize others, we criticize ourselves, even more harshly. If we accept and appreciate the good in other people, it helps us accept and appreciate the good in ourselves.
How to stop judging?
The way to stop making negative, harmful judgments is to learn to recognize the difference between conventional opinion and judgment, and then develop a less judgmental view of the world. The following seven steps will help you do this:
1. Get to know the person you are judging.
When assessing the actions of another person, you need to understand his worldview and past history. If you judge a person based on values, consider whether those values are absolute or relative. Just because another person's actions go against your values does not mean they are wrong. Perhaps this person has other values that make him do such things.
2. Think about the consequences
If you realize that your comment may offend another person, consider how to reword it. You need him to become useful, and not just help you to assert yourself at his expense. It is especially worth thinking about the consequences of the judgments we express on social networks. It's one thing to write a post about a celebrity's terrible dress, but another to draw public attention to a cruel or unfair act. Both reflect your opinion. But in the first case, you encourage the development of a cruel "mean girls" society, and in the second, you change people's opinions, which can lead to positive changes in society.
3. Focus on the specific situation
Research shows that judgment often emphasizes individual personality traits rather than focusing on a specific situation. For example, if someone cuts you off on the road, you might think that person is selfish, rude, and inconsiderate. But if we put the human factor aside, we can focus on a specific situation and understand the likely reasons for such behavior. Perhaps he was in a hurry or missed his turn. In other words, evaluate the situation and condemn the sin itself, not the sinner.
4. Practice gratitude regularly
We can train our brain to be happy through positive thinking and gratitude. This is our key to understanding and developing a positive outlook. You can implement a scheduled gratitude practice into your life, just like mindfulness meditation. But sometimes it's enough to notice the beautiful sunset on the way home or appreciate the small acts of kindness that family and friends do for you. You can write down three things you're grateful for every night, send people unexpected notes of gratitude, or learn to notice the beauty in everyday life. Instead of spreading malicious gossip, you will begin to find ways to help others. Instead of the bad, you will begin to see the good in people.
It is important to recognize situations where you are wrong and change your mind
5. Ask yourself: “Why is this important?”
Let's say a friend is dating a man who seems boring to you or wears a terrible haircut - what difference does it make to you? If your sister dressed strangely or a celebrity posted a new photo on social media, how does this affect your life? If the situation does not affect you personally, do not say your comments out loud. If a loved one is going through a difficult time, evaluate the situation and do something to help them. If you care about it, then your life is affected. If you only make caustic comments, then this person is not that important to you. Don't think about him and don't say nasty things.
6. Stay open to new things
Development often comes with pain and discomfort, but we need it. It is important to recognize situations where you are wrong and change your mind by learning new things and understanding other points of view. People must always learn and change. If you don't understand that you are wrong and don't change some opinions, this is not development.
7. Develop empathy
In today's world, where online bullying and snarky comments are more common than compliments and kind advice, we need to teach ourselves and our children to focus on compassion rather than judgment. We need to understand other people's points of view and practice kindness more often. It is important to stop discussing other people and learn to find other topics to talk about.
Of course, situations often arise when a person deserves condemnation. Yours? This is not an idle question.
There are no good or bad people
A very strong imbalance is judgment of other people, and especially contempt.
From the point of view of nature, there are no good or bad people. There are only those who obey the laws of nature, and those who bring disturbance to the existing “status quo”. The latter always end up being affected by forces that tend to restore the disturbed balance.
Of course, situations often arise when a person deserves condemnation. Yours? This is not an idle question.
If a person has harmed you, then first of all he has upset the balance, and you are not a source of unhealthy potential, but an instrument of forces seeking to restore balance. Then the troublemaker will get what he deserves if you say everything you think about him, or even take certain actions within reasonable limits. But if the subject of your condemnation did not specifically do anything bad to you, then it is not for you to blame him.
Let's approach this issue purely mercantilely. Agree, it is completely pointless to feel hatred for a wolf who killed a sheep when you watch it on TV. A sense of justice constantly pushes us to condemn different people. However, this quickly becomes a habit, and many people turn into professional accusers over the years. It is a very bad habit to judge others for thoughts and actions that are not directed against you personally. In most cases, you have no idea what motivated the person to do what they did. Maybe in his place you would have done even worse?
So, as a result of your condemnation, you create excess potential around yourself. But of course, it turns out that no matter how bad your defendant is, you yourself must be just as good. Since he has horns and hooves, then you must be an angel. Well, since your wings do not grow, forces come into play trying to restore balance. The methods of these forces will be different in each specific situation. But the result will be essentially the same: you'll get a punch on the nose. Depending on the strength and form of your judgment, this click may either be unnoticeable to you, or so strong that you will find yourself on one of the worst lines of life.
You can come up with a long list of types of condemnation and their consequences, but I will give a few examples for clarity.
Never despise people, no matter what. This is the most dangerous type of condemnation, because as a result of the action of balancing forces, you may find yourself in the place of the one you despise. This is the most direct and easiest way for the forces to restore balance.
Do you despise beggars and homeless people? You yourself can lose your money and your house, so the balance has been restored.
Do you despise people with physical disabilities? No problem, there will be an accident for you.
Do you despise alcoholics and drug addicts? You could easily find yourself in their place. After all, people are not born like this, but become like this due to various life circumstances. So why should these circumstances pass you by?
Never judge your work colleagues for anything. At best, you will make the same mistakes. At worst, a conflict may arise that will not bring you anything good. You can get fired from work, even if you are absolutely right.
If you judge another person just because you don’t like the way he’s dressed, you yourself become one step lower on the good-bad ladder because you emit negative energy.
If a person is proud of his successes, or is in love with himself (and this too), there is nothing wrong with that. Irrelevant self-love is self-sufficient, so it does not bother anyone. The balance is disturbed only if inflated self-esteem is contrasted with a contemptuous attitude towards other people's weaknesses, shortcomings, or simply modest achievements. Then self-love turns into pride, and pride into vanity. The result of the action of equilibrium forces, again, will be a click on the nose.
Contempt and vanity are human vices. Animals don't know what it is. They are guided only by expedient intentions, and thereby fulfill the will of perfect nature.
It is only in fairy tales that animals are depicted as endowed with human qualities. Let's take a proud, lonely and free wolf. From a human point of view, he inspires respect. But the fat-cheeked rodent loves to fill its belly, squeal merrily and multiply. If a wolf had arrogant contempt for a rodent, it would be unnatural and absurd.
Let's turn the picture to the other side. Such a wolf could be considered insignificant compared to this plump rodent, which fussily scurries around and rejoices at every moment of its life, although at any such moment it can be eaten.
Everything is relative, but man creates this relativity in his imagination. The lion actually has no greatness or dignity. These qualities are attributed to him by people. The gopher has no less dignity than the lion.
Wild nature is more perfect than a reasonable person. The wolf, like any predator, feels neither hatred nor contempt for its prey. (Try to experience hatred and contempt for the cutlet yourself.) But people build their relationships with each other on sheer excess potential.
The greatness of animals and plants lies in the fact that they are not aware of it. Consciousness has brought to man both beneficial advantages and harmful rubbish such as vanity, contempt, guilt complex and inferiority. published
Vadim Zeland
How do we treat other people? Very often it depends on people's attitude towards us. At the same time, we love to judge people. We rarely pay attention to a person's positive qualities, but we always notice shortcomings. Even when someone does something nice for us, we may simply not notice it. But we are ready to remember all the negativity and bad attitude for the rest of our lives.
Have you ever noticed how dependent you are on people’s opinions? Very often we choose one side or another only based on the opinions of people. If someone treats us well, we give him positive qualities, and vice versa. We criticize people who hurt us or hurt us, but we forget that this contradicts all the tenets of humanism :)
For example, you can take grandmothers who sit on benches all day and criticize people passing by.
One person for them will be a drug addict, another will be a girl of easy virtue, and the third may turn out to be akin to the devil. When we start judging people, we become like old ladies who like to attribute only negative qualities to a person.
Why do we like to judge people? Maybe we're bored and don't know what to do? No. This usually occurs due to envy of someone and refusal to accept other people's shortcomings. We cannot accept people as they are and begin to criticize them.
By doing this, we receive a certain degree of moral satisfaction, our self-esteem rises, we say to ourselves: “I am such a good person, unlike ...” This is a destructive path, the effects of which a person rarely thinks about. This mode of self-affirmation can only bring a large portion of negativity and additional problems into your life. Negative thoughts and emotions have never brought happiness to a person. Remember: “Judge not, lest ye be judged”
We know that we shouldn’t judge people, but we continue to do it. Why? Do we think that criticism will help a person change? But very often our criticism is unfounded and we discuss people behind their backs. We think about people's actions as consequences, but we never think about the motives that prompt them to do this or that.
We ourselves are not always able to monitor our actions, but we are happy to do it for others. In most cases, a person is not interested in his own behavior, but in the actions of everyone else. Pay attention to your behavior and shortcomings, which everyone definitely has. If you start to analyze your shortcomings, the problems of others will no longer interest you. Every person has problems, and you are no exception. Of course, it’s more pleasant to sort out other people’s vices, but this path is aggressive. And such aggression never leads to good consequences. You may be able to look better against the background of some friend, but soon you yourself may turn into a background.
Remember - no one is perfect. Even if you don’t have enough time to help a person, you shouldn’t judge him. This will never help you solve difficult situations. You can talk about a person’s shortcomings and possible ways to solve them, but don’t judge people.
When communicating with people, we must give up the habit of looking for faults, condemning and insulting. We are all imperfect and far from ideal. Only when we understand this can we get rid of the bad habit of judging people. Remember the main thing: “Judge not, lest ye be judged.” As soon as a person learns this simple truth, his life will become simpler, richer and more exciting. Suddenly, there will be time to resolve old problems, communicate with loved ones and other pleasant activities that are simply not available to you due to condemnation of other people's shortcomings.
From the point of view of nature, there are no good or bad people. There are only those who obey the laws of nature, and those who bring disturbance to the existing “status quo”. The latter always end up being affected by forces that tend to restore the disturbed balance.
Of course, situations often arise when a person deserves condemnation. Yours? This is not an idle question. If a person has harmed you, then first of all he has upset the balance, and you are not a source of unhealthy potential, but an instrument of forces seeking to restore balance. Then the troublemaker will get what he deserves if you say everything you think about him, or even take certain actions within reasonable limits. But if the subject of your condemnation did not specifically do anything bad to you, then it is not for you to blame him.
Let's approach this issue purely mercantilely. Agree, it is completely pointless to feel hatred for a wolf who killed a sheep when you watch it on TV. A sense of justice constantly pushes us to condemn different people. However, this quickly becomes a habit, and many people turn into professional accusers over the years. It is a very bad habit to judge others for thoughts and actions that are not directed against you personally. In most cases, you have no idea what motivated the person to do what they did. Maybe in his place you would have done even worse?
So, as a result of your condemnation, you create excess potential around yourself. But of course, it turns out that no matter how bad your defendant is, you yourself must be just as good. Since he has horns and hooves, then you must be an angel. Well, since your wings do not grow, forces come into play trying to restore balance. The methods of these forces will be different in each specific situation. But the result will be essentially the same: you will get a click on the nose. Depending on the strength and form of your judgment, this click may either be unnoticeable to you, or so strong that you will find yourself on one of the worst lines of life.