I have developed a number of rules for myself that keep me afloat every day and do not allow me to plunge headlong into suffering. Little by little, the background begins to change, and increasingly the norm becomes not avoiding misfortune, but a persistent feeling: “everything is going as it should.” Although not without whining, of course. How to get rid of suffering and start living life to the fullest?
It all started with a message from a friend. Something completely banal in the category of “what if they get offended” and “I can’t do that.” And inside there is fear. Do something wrong, make a mistake, say no. Fear of what they will think and, God forbid, refuse. Fear, behind which we hide our imperfections and accumulate discontent.
The origins of suffering lie within ourselves
Do you know what is the most disgusting thing about all this? We lose ourselves behind the mask of fear. We become angry, envious, and judgmental. And we suffer. It seems to us that the cause of everything is an arrogant neighbor, an inattentive husband or a rude boss - we do not realize that the sources of suffering lie within ourselves.
Suffering is a personal choice. Haruki Murakami
I read stories about adult children resenting their mothers, and guilt-ridden mothers, betrayed wives and single women in search of love - and to many I want to say: I know, I was there: offended, tormented, deceived and lonely. Did not like. Do not want anymore.
I could write a book about how they didn’t understand me, how they walked with dirty boots on my delicate mental organization, how I cried in the school toilet from humiliation and resentment, how I dreamed of recognition and love, how, as an adult, I rummaged through containers with inscriptions “childhood”, “adolescence” and “youth”, looking for reasons for the effects I have. Perhaps I could have stayed in one of these black boxes, if not for one BUT: why? Why do I need all this?
Suddenly an understanding came: poking around in the past is pointless, may the psychotherapists forgive me.
You can find an excuse for everything. This is exactly what I did, arranging events, feelings and expectations on the shelves of my own soul and giving each a name and number. I was stuck in my suffering, fueled by more and more whining and complaints, and the pain did not want to go away.
I have developed a number of rules for myself that keep me afloat every day and do not allow me to plunge headlong into suffering. Little by little, the background begins to change, and increasingly the norm becomes not avoiding misfortune, but a persistent feeling: “everything is going as it should.” Although not without whining, of course.
How to get rid of suffering and start living life to the fullest?
First of all, in order to avoid misunderstanding, I would like to divide suffering into real and imagined.
Real suffering is a reaction to events that happened regardless of our desire: illness, loss of loved ones, job loss or other unpleasant circumstances.
Here we can only wish for spiritual strength and faith that we are given exactly as much sadness as we can bear. Every test is an opportunity for spiritual growth and development.
When you finally get really honest with yourself, you admit that happiness doesn't necessarily awaken you any more than sadness, pain, or suffering—quite the opposite, it turns out. Pain and suffering awaken you more...
Ram Dass, "Grain to the Mill"
I want to talk about the suffering that we experience of our own free will. All of them are in our interpretation and unwillingness to look at the world and ourselves in it differently.
It's time to admit: we suffer because we like it.
I have fun while I suffer. This is my long-standing custom. Salvador Dali
Everything from the color of a tie and lipstick to your close circle and relationship with your parents - the result of our choice. Including suffering. Whatever happened in the past, only one thing matters now: to take responsibility for everything we do, for every experience we live.
Perhaps all changes begin with the recognition of this fact. Next is a matter of technology.
1. Remember that there is a choice. Always
Every morning I wake up and decide how to live. What will my day be like, what will I fill it with: joy or suffering, favorite activities or complete irritation, communication with like-minded people or dissatisfaction and grievances? All this is my choice. In this regard, the position of positive psychology is close to me:
Nikki tossed weeds into the air as she danced and sang. I barked at my daughter, told me not to disturb me, and she disappeared. But a few minutes later Nikki returned.
“Dad, I want to talk to you,” she said.
- Yes, Nikki. I'm listening to you.
- Do you remember what a crybaby I was before I was five years old? She whined every day. And when I was five years old, I decided that I would not cry anymore. It was very difficult for me, but I managed. And if I could stop crying, then you can stop grumbling too.
This was a revelation for me. Nikki stepped on a sore spot. I actually grumble quite often. For fifty years I carried all the troubles in my soul, and for the last ten I looked like a gloomy cloud in a sunny family environment. If luck smiled on me, it happened contrary to my gloomy forecasts.
And then I decided to change.
Martin Seligman, “In Search of Happiness.” How to enjoy life every day"
2. See the love behind the fear
First of all, it is worth understanding that suffering is the same experience as joy. But it so happens that right now we are looking at this experience from a different angle. This is fine. You just have to keep watching. Don't run away, but live and let go.
Nobody likes to feel pain and disappointment, and neither do I. But almost always pain is the machinations of the mind, and disappointment is disappointed expectations.
Behind both lies fear.
Fear of loneliness and condemnation, fear of being misunderstood and rejected, fear of not succeeding or succeeding too much. Any fear ultimately comes down to a lack of love. We are afraid of being unloved in this world.
So, if you look at fear closely, it dissolves, just like physical pain. It slowly begins to fade and at some point disappears completely.
Our task is to learn to see love behind suffering and live not out of fear, but out of love. Amen.
3. Think about wealth and abundance
Abundance is the natural state of our lives, which I was convinced of from personal experience.
Unfortunately, due to objective reasons in the form of life experience and upbringing, we are accustomed to saving, including in relation to our desires. We persist in one thing, not daring to hope that we can be successful in many things. Here are just a few examples of how freezing occurs:
- I am successful in my career, I hold a good position, I earn enough to have a car and an apartment, but I am lonely, I have no family and children.
- I am a wife, mother of three children, but I have absolutely no time for myself and my hobbies, I spin like a squirrel in a wheel.
- I work hard from morning to night, I hate my job and my boss, I only relax on vacation: skiing in the Alps or going to a spa hotel in France.
- I do what I love: I draw illustrations for children’s books, but I only have enough money for basic needs - I haven’t even dreamed of a vacation for the last five years.
We impose restrictions on ourselves, not considering it possible to have abundance in all areas of life: in profession, health, financial, family and spiritual well-being. In fact, these restrictions are the source of suffering.
Successful people think completely differently. Here's what Grant Cardone says about his own implementation:
I'm not interested in balance, I'm interested in prosperity.
Some may think, “If I'm rich, I can't be happy,” or, “If I'm trying to get ahead in my career, I can't be a good father, mother, husband, neighbor, church member, or spiritual person.” This type of thinking is wrong, and neither time management nor the idea of balance will solve your problem. Stop thinking, limiting yourself to the “either-or” framework, start thinking “about everything at once.”
However, you should not grab onto everything at the same time - there will not be enough internal resources or simply strength. I always start with one thing that worries me the most: health, work, family, relationships - and in small steps I move forward and always expand my perspective.
4. Plan
Purpose and a clear understanding of WHY we do something- this is the minimum set of suffering before entering a new life of fun and joy.
To get moving, you need a goal that will make you want to get off the couch today and continue to get up every day. This is a guiding star: we can walk without a map, compass or clothing, but we must see where we are going.
I have a friend who has a lot of questions about excess weight, fulfillment in her profession and her personal life, but she has a very clear goal for the next six months: learn Spanish, save up money for a ticket and fly to the Canary Island of Fuerteventura to learn surfing. So I have never met a person more satisfied with life - the goal lifts her out of bed and carries her like a mad hurricane towards her dream. Do you know what I mean?
A goal is the same dream, but with one condition: we take daily steps in its direction. It is the feeling of moving towards the cherished peak that completely relieves us of suffering, filling life with meaning and depth.
5. Step out of your comfort zone and embrace fear.
The comfort zone is a cozy swamp where the food is soft, warm and tasty. It also smells of rotten meat and there are dead chickens floating around. Haven't you noticed? Me too - it’s too much of a risk to go out, it’s better not to breathe or look.
However, all changes happen outside this zone, all the most interesting acquaintances are also there, and any more or less serious achievements are impossible without expanding the boundaries.
And in the swamp sits suffering. It is served for dessert, lunch and dinner. Along with dreams nailed to the wall.
Knowing this whole simple theory, I am in a stupor every time: take a step and take a risk or stay in a puddle dear to your heart? Scary.
I walk more often: I write to a stranger and offer to meet, I send an article to a magazine, I speak German where I can speak Russian or English.
Do you know what is most surprising? Everything that was “for” smoothly moves “in”, thereby expanding the comfort zone and not forgetting to increase self-confidence. Cool!
6. Live in the moment, let go of expectations and trust
Trust in life is a skill that comes with experience and work on yourself, even if there is fundamentally no such trust. As soon as we understand that we are valuable in ourselves, regardless of conditions and circumstances, as soon as our inner adult wakes up and begins to take care of our inner child, we feel strength and support.
The ability to stay in the present without grinding past achievements and failures, all these “did I do the right thing” and “what will he think of me” and without looking into the future, shaking with fear or building castles of expectations - this is also a skill. It can and should be developed. For example, through meditation and simple self-observation, checking yourself from time to time with the question: “Where am I now?”
People would suffer much less if they did not so diligently develop the power of imagination, if they did not endlessly remember past troubles, but lived in the harmless present.
Johann Wolfgang Goethe, "The Sorrows of Young Werther"
In order to achieve what you want, you need to give up attachment to the result, completely devoting yourself to the process of doing. This is not easy, because we really want confirmation that we are doing everything right and will certainly be rewarded for our efforts.
However, you just have to believe in your own strengths and give up expectations, as new doors and opportunities open, and life is filled with meaning. Moreover, without guarantees it is much more interesting - you can always get more than you can imagine.
How successful and happy we are depends on our internal state and attitude. Trusting yourself and the world is, perhaps, the surest cure for suffering.
7. Suffering is a habit. This is exactly how he should be treated
But this point is the most important. For me it’s so accurate, because when I deeply consider “why am I somehow sad today” I often end up right here.
Even when everything is good or even just wonderful, we say: “fine,” “nothing,” and “that’ll do.” Thus, we broadcast to the world the state: “everything is not good enough” and we ourselves believe in it. We don't know how to notice pleasant things and prefer to complain.
The force of habit pushes us to drink coffee in the morning, chew a sweet bun and frown. Sometimes there is almost no reason for this, often there is none at all. What if you try saying “I’m having a lot of fun today” or “a great day to start a new life”?
Whining prolongs the problem. As long as you continue to complain to everyone about how bad things are for you, there is simply no room left in your life for any positive changes. This is exactly how life works. You can't concentrate on a solution while you're complaining about a problem because you can't do two things at the same time.
Larry Winget, "Stop whining, keep your head up!"
Evgenia Degtyareva
Of course, in practice everything is far from so simple. You may understand that work disruptions or traffic jams are beyond your control, but you will still feel angry and irritated.
How would Epictetus, one of the most famous, react in such a situation? He believed that any negative incident is bad not because of what happened, but because of how we reacted to it.
You must always be prepared for injustice, difficulties, stress and pain.
Looking at the world in this way, you take full responsibility for your life and begin to see the cause of dissatisfaction not in external events, but in your reaction to them. Psychologists call this internal locus of control. This is the tendency to believe that internal rather than external factors determine how life turns out.
Diversify your sources of joy
Try to think like an investor or entrepreneur: don't put all your resources into one thing. Distribute your time and energy among several sources of joy. It's important to balance the meaning you find in your work with other things: hobbies and personal projects.
Linking your identity to only one niche is too risky, because it can always happen that you lose this niche, and along with it, your identity. In life, something will always happen, something will go wrong, it is inevitable.
If you have many sources of joy and meaning, you will no longer fall into despair when unexpected circumstances disrupt the flow of your life.
Suffering does not come from external sources, but from within. Therefore, the most important thing is to perceive obstacles and difficulties differently. As Epictetus said: “People are not tormented by things, but by ideas about them.”
Reading time: 8 minutes.
You might be surprised by the choice of topic for this article. It would seem that what does “interesting life” have to do with it? But, according to statistics, two-thirds of the audience of “ZHI!” - women, for them the topic of love is always relevant. And the theme of suffering in love
You might be surprised by the choice of topic for this article. It would seem that what does “interesting life” have to do with it? But, according to statistics, two-thirds of the audience of “ZHI!” - women, for them the topic of love is always relevant. And the topic of suffering in love is doubly relevant! To love means to suffer. This folk wisdom from women sounds naive and simple, but in life this is often what happens. Sad statistics: about 70% of cases, the reason for turning to a female psychologist is the pain of unhappy love. Personally, I know of stories where the breakup of a relationship was so severe that the woman needed not only psychological, but also medicinal support. Once upon a time, I myself experienced a painful breakup and experienced strong sad feelings for a long time... It is very important to realize that such states are powerful a resource that must be used for your own benefit, and under no circumstances focus on your suffering!
Let me tell you my story.
After divorcing my husband, it took me a long time to come to my senses, completely unwilling to enter into a new relationship. Once in a company I met a man who I really liked. At that time he was married, and I had no illusions. A year later, I accidentally found out that he was divorced. We met, talked, he offered to see each other again... A whirlwind romance began with all that it implies: love, passion, dizzying joint plans. I accepted with joy that he was offered a high position with a move to another city, because he had dreamed about it for a long time . So my beloved left. At first everything was wonderful, he came often, we continued to meet, and I was sure that he would soon offer to move in with him. But he disappeared. Suddenly. Without a trace. No explanation. "The subscriber is temporarily unavailable."It was a shock. I couldn't understand what was happening! I waited for the call, without letting go of the phone for a second, I called myself - to no avail. I repeated to myself that this is not just the case, that he is not capable of deception and betrayal. I simply refused to believe what was happening. I was choking on tears of despair. What happened next? Quite a sad story. From our mutual friend, I learned that my loved one was framed, the matter is very serious, and he is in a pre-trial detention center under investigation. Since then, my life has been divided into BEFORE and AFTER. At first, I couldn’t believe that I might never see him again. I felt so bad! Then it seemed that life was over and what was happening was worse than death... He was given a sentence. I found him, came to meetings “through glass”. However, I could not give up on myself and wait for his release. My child was growing up, and I had to find the strength to live on. This story lasted two years. Just imagine, I voluntarily doomed myself to two years of suffering instead of a bright, happy life! The decision came suddenly. I decided to get a second higher education. I changed my surroundings and met new people. I saw new opportunities and prospects. While studying to become a psychologist, I myself underwent a course of psychotherapy, thanks to which I understood the causes of my own problems and two years of suffering. I understood a simple thing: any positive changes are possible only when a person takes full responsibility for what happens to him. It is from the moment of realizing this obvious fact that changes begin in a person’s life. But in order to understand this, it took me personally two years of suffering. Don't repeat my mistakes. Appreciate every day of your life!
To speed up your “recovery” from unhappy love, I have made several recommendations: what you should and should not do in case of a painful separation from your loved one.
What to do if you are abandoned
You are desperate. It is unbearable! It seems that life is over, and there is only melancholy and torment ahead. Yes, perhaps parting was the right decision for the two of you, but why is it so painful, so hard... To resolve the problem, you have two ways: continue to suffer, feel sorry for yourself and hope for a miracle, or start living more consciously and effectively, perceiving your condition as a resource that can and should be used for your own benefit. All roads are open to you. Take your pick! Let's look at this story from a different perspective. What happened happened only at your request, no matter how paradoxical it may sound. It is important to understand that without deep work on yourself, without fundamental shifts in your system of self-esteem and the assessment of others, you will select all subsequent partners exactly like the previous one. “We choose each other for a reason. We only meet those who are already in our subconscious.”Sigmund Freud Here is the real story of one of my clients. She was married five (!) times, and gave birth to a child from each husband. All men living married to her became alcoholics. As a result, they broke up, after which the man returned to a sober life. Personally, she does not consider this a pattern, and is still in search of her ideal.Five Steps to Successfully Overcoming a Love Crisis
Determine what you would like to achieve in the near future (“bringing back your loved one” does not count). The wording must be extremely precise. For example: “I want to control my feelings during a breakup and be calm,” instead of “I want to forget him.” Or “I want to be more confident in myself and learn to say no,” instead of “I want to become a better person.” Remember your goal and keep it in mind. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. It is self-pity that prevents you from looking at the situation objectively. Being in a state of emotional chaos, you cannot see the true reasons for the current situation. Self-pity and the voluntarily chosen position of the victim are a dead end. Moreover, this is dangerous because you will unconsciously build relationships in which self-pity is encouraged. Change your environment. The influence of the environment is great. If you are communicating with a friend whose main goal is a successful career (and your goal is family and relationships), think about whether it is worth maintaining such a friendship, because your ideas may conflict and interfere with an objective assessment of the situation. Some of you will be forced to give in. Stop hoping for a miracle and waiting for quick results. A deep wound takes time to heal. Don’t expect that you will listen to an online training, read a couple of articles on the Internet, learn the art of seduction - and everything will immediately change for the better. Working on yourself is a long and continuous process. And if you have set out on this path, it simply doesn’t make sense to stop, just as it doesn’t make sense, for example, to lose weight before a corporate party in order to fit into a beautiful dress and immediately overeat at the festive table.. Carefully analyze all your love stories. Complete the “Relationship History” exercises. This must be done in order to understand the true reasons for failures. To do this, you need to remember and write down in chronological order all the partners who had a strong influence on you. Once the list has been compiled, answer the following questions:- How did you meet?
- Who was the initiator?
- Why did you like it?
- How did the relationship work out?
- Why did you break up?
- Who initiated the breakup?
- What did this relationship give you?
Time is the most valuable resource
Count how many hours you have spent in grief and suffering. How many nights have you spent in tears, waiting for his calls? How many times have you humiliated yourself, asked for a meeting, talked about your feelings, but you were not heard? Are you ready to endure this further? Or maybe you want to repeat the fate of the grotesque heroine of Dickens’s work, where the bride, who has already become an old woman, in a half-decayed wedding dress, sitting at the wedding table, waits for her groom, who did not come to the church for the wedding. Remember: a clear understanding of the situation is always more beneficial than rose-colored glasses. Now imagine that you have turned into a woman who knows how to manage her emotions, does not give in to the temptation to suffer and creates relationships herself. How will your life change? Write down your answer! Track your thoughts and remember: as soon as you change your attitude towards yourself, your whole life will change.Who is guilty?
You've probably heard that a poor man who wins a million in the lottery remains a poor man. After all, internally he is not ready for wealth. Within a couple of months, not a trace of the money will remain, and the “lucky one” will be overcome by depression and debts even greater than before receiving the jackpot. The same thing happens in relationships. A woman who is not internally ready for marriage meets a man. Even if he is perfect, she will manage to ruin the relationship and suffer after that. As one of my clients commented: “Only by accepting responsibility and recognizing that everything that happens in life happens not TO ME, but BY MY WILL, only then do you understand that you also suffer by your own will, and you allow unworthy people into your life also by your own will... Then you think - what’s the point of deliberately dooming yourself to suffering?” You can continue to blame your ex for all the sins, but the fact remains that the source of the pain of separation lurks within yourself. Until you change the “root” attitudes in your “I”, there will be no sense in suffering. What do you choose?Why is the world so unfair? Why do I feel unhappy? Why doesn't everything happen the way I want?
I often hear these and similar questions from others. For me, the reason for their suffering is clear - these are expectations, which they impose on future plans, upcoming events, and the actions of other people.
The more they think about how things should happen or how a person should act towards them, the more they become attached to it and believe that everything will be that way.
But expectations are a trap that people put themselves into, creating disappointment, suffering and dissatisfaction.
So might it be better to let go of expectations and let things unfold naturally?
Step towards YOURSELF. Challenge every day
Don't know how to learn to love yourself?
Get 14 exercises that will help you accept yourself and your life in its entirety!
By clicking the “Instant Access” button, you consent to the processing of your personal data and agree to
Read in this article, Why are expectations dangerous? and how to refuse them.
How expectations arise
Expectations are born when a person does not live in the present, but in his thoughts runs into the future.
The dream has not yet come true, the event has not happened, but it is in the plans, and the person is already figuring out how everything will happen.
He becomes attached to the image that he created in his head. This image is very static.
Running into the future, expecting strictly defined behavior from other people, a person makes himself dependent on his expectations.
Other options are not considered; they fall out of the focus of his attention. There is only such a picture and that’s it. A person lives in an illusion that he has created and does not see real circumstances.
And when everything turns out differently, incidents arise, misunderstandings and discontent arise.
But there is no one to blame, because he himself created such restrictions.
Get an algorithm for changing your feelings from destructive to positive.
How Expectations Cause Suffering and Inconvenience
Expectations create illusions, frameworks into which a person voluntarily drives himself. They poison the present moment, destroy joy and lightness. Limit possibilities and options for how circumstances might turn out.
Several years ago, my husband and I traveled to the Czech Republic. Since the trip was budget, we did not count on special conditions. Our goal was to see another country, cities, another culture, learn something new, and get positive impressions.
We tried not to focus on everything else (hotel room, overnight bus ride, hours of waiting at the border).
But I noticed the disappointment of some fellow travelers, everything was not right for them: there are few excursions, and the guides are not as good, and the room is not LUX, and the local cuisine is too heavy for the stomach.
And all because they had expectations in advance of how everything should happen. But we didn’t have such expectations. As a result, we received satisfaction from the trip, but these people sat there in their dissatisfaction.
Although all that needed to be done was remove expectations, focus on the positive and be grateful.
People place expectations not only on future events, but also on the behavior and actions of other people.
They expect certain behavior and then become offended when it does not meet their expectations. And they themselves did not even express their requests and wishes.
How can a person guess what they want from him?
Women are offended by their husbands because they do not help around the house, are not attentive enough, and do not give flowers or gifts. But at the same time they don’t even hint at what they would like, but only wait to see whether the husband will do it or not.
All this leads to disappointment in life, in people, dissatisfaction accumulates, and the belief that something can be changed is weakened.
Is it possible to free yourself from expectations?
The good news is that you always have a choice which internal state to make the key one in the present moment, what mood to prefer. And mindfulness helps with this.
If there are expectations in your life, and especially those that are not met, creating disappointments, make a choice don't expect anything.
If you cannot influence the circumstances or decisions of other people in any way, do not expect anything, accept any outcome, and then as a result you will not be disappointed.
How to get rid of expectations
To experience less dissatisfaction and suffering, and to expand your capabilities, I suggest getting rid of expectations completely. Find out how.
1. Live in the present, not the future.
An effective way to eliminate expectations is be in the moment “here and now”.
If you notice that expectations have appeared, it means that you are mentally running away into the future. Learn to catch such thoughts and eliminate them.
2. Don't expect people to behave in a certain way.
Don't expect anyone to act according to your expectations.
Children are not obligated to do what you like, parents are not obligated to understand you, spouses are not obligated to be what you expect.
Colleagues, business partners, subordinates may not fulfill what they promised, even if this is specified in the contract.
Circumstances and people's interests may change, and then the original agreements will no longer be relevant. This is life, this must be taken into account and accepted.
And even more so, you shouldn’t expect certain behavior from people if you haven’t discussed your request in advance.
If you don't have expectations, you will eliminate the reason why many people suffer in their relationships. And thus create new relationships based on freedom of choice.
3. Destroy your own illusions
To avoid falling into the trap of false expectations, be honest with yourself and look at things realistically.
Do not fall for advertising and rave reviews from strangers. If you want to purchase the product you need, first study thoroughly all its features, pros and cons, so that you don’t be disappointed later when you see it in reality.
If you want to go somewhere, buy something, invest money, carefully study the information about the object, product, trip. Don't let yourself be deceived and don't be deceived yourself.
4. Don't wait, act
Replace expectations with actions.
If you want your dream to come true with all your expectations, then don’t just dream and wait, but think through every detail and move forward.
Only these will no longer be expectations, but preferences, the bar that you strive to achieve.
5. Trust the Universe
Your expectations are a figment of a mind that cannot imagine more than it has seen. Don't limit yourself to just the options your mind comes up with.
Learn to trust your Higher Self and it will take you to the highest point you can be.
If you are worried about some future event, stop and tell yourself: “I believe that everything will work out for the best. I entrust this matter to higher powers. Let them create ideal conditions for this.”
No expectations - no suffering. If you don't expect anything from anyone, you remove a lot of reasons to suffer from your life. Thank life for what you already have, live for today.
If your goal is to radiate joy and harmony, give up expectations that only create limitations. And you will gain much more than you think!