Harvard professor Daniel Wegner, who has devoted many studies to the psychology of human secrets, claims: any secret triggers a conflict between the conscious and subconscious. After all, from the moment we were told about the secret, we need to control ourselves all the time, to be on guard so as not to accidentally spill the beans. This is a powerful stressor that the subconscious tries to get rid of by encouraging us to break a promise.
Unfortunately, women are most susceptible to this. In 60% of cases, we give away other people’s secrets, and the average “shelf life” of a secret told to us is 48 hours. The only consolation is that it is a matter of exceptional female honesty. At least that's what Dr. Wegner thinks: his research shows that men lie twice as often (up to six times a day!). And since secrets are akin to lies, it’s easier for men to keep them. Be that as it may, practice shows that learning to keep secrets is useful for both.
Ten ways to learn to keep secrets:
1. Think about the consequences. Imagine exactly what will happen if you spill the secret. Will you ruin the surprise? Or the reputation of the one who asked you to remain silent? Or maybe your relationship with him? Perhaps not only your friend, but also the one to whom you tell this secret. Always remember that the request “just don’t tell anyone” has a real motivation, and violating it has real consequences.
2. Ask questions. First, ask directly how long you should keep this secret. It’s one thing if you need to remain silent for a couple of weeks or months, it’s another thing if you are actually asked to take the secret with you to the grave. As a rule, the first thing is required, and this is not so difficult. Secondly, clarify who exactly you cannot tell. Again, rare information must be kept in the strictest confidence from the whole world. Usually it should not be known to a certain circle of people - friends, colleagues, relatives. Of course, this doesn’t mean that you should immediately happily tell your friend’s mom about her affair with her boss. But if you tell a “safe” person, your soul will be a little calmer.
3. Don't try the forbidden fruit. Never hint to others that you have been entrusted with some extraordinary secret. The phrase “oh-you-have-no-idea-what-I-learned here” is almost always followed by a picturesque story about what exactly you learned. The temptation is especially great if the interlocutor really shows great interest in the secret. This pleases your vanity, because it automatically means interest in you personally, even if temporary.
4. Don't give in. If your loved ones find out that you have been entrusted with some secret, they will definitely try to draw it out - Be careful: it is enough to answer twenty questions indirectly related to the subject, and the interlocutor will already guess about the secret. If you are provoked into such conversations, try to respond in monosyllables, laugh it off and move the conversation to another topic.
5. Don't get too close. In conversations, try to generally avoid the person or object with which the secret is connected. Pretend that you are not interested in them, at least for now. If you are a bad actor, admit honestly that you simply do not want to discuss Masha and her relationship with Peter. But you don’t know any secrets.
6. Discuss! One of the main reasons why we give away other people's secrets is because we really want to discuss them with someone. Do not deny yourself, but choose as your interlocutor the very person who entrusted you with this secret. Don’t be shy: if he made you his attorney, then he probably doesn’t mind talking about his secret. Feel free to call him every time you painfully want to blurt out a secret to someone.
7. Tell someone who is sure not to blab. That is, your favorite cat, soft toy or mirror. People, alas, are not included in this list: absolutely anyone can let it slip. The ideal option is to entrust the secret to the diary. Or just write on a piece of paper and immediately destroy it. You shouldn’t rely on it: there will always be extra people who will visit your page completely by accident.
8. Be honest. When you are directly asked a question related to someone else’s secret, boldly answer: “I was asked not to tell anyone.” There is nothing inconvenient about this. By saying this, you show your best side. If your interlocutor is offended, remind him that now he knows for sure: he can completely trust you and you won’t spill his secrets either.
9. Get advice. If you are dying to tell someone (or you think it would be right), do not be lazy to ask permission from the person who trusted you. Question: “Maybe we should tell Vasya?” is much more normal than the statement: “Listen, I accidentally blurted everything out to Vasya.” Even if your friend has nothing against Vasya, he will draw disappointing conclusions about you.
10. Tell me. Remember that there are secrets that simply cannot be kept. They may, for example, pose an objective threat to someone’s health or life, relationships, or career. It happens that it is better to give away a secret and lose one friend than ten. But even in this case, honestly admit to the one who made you his confidant that you will not remain silent. And only then go out to Red Square with a megaphone.
Being entrusted with a secret can be both rewarding and burdensome. Consider it an honor that a person trusts you enough to tell you their secret. However, keep in mind that if you betray this trust, you may damage your relationship with the person who has opened up to you. Or perhaps you are keeping your own secret, which is no less difficult. By developing the willpower not to spill the beans, you can keep things secret and build your reputation as a trustworthy person.
Steps
How to keep someone else's secret
- Find out: is it a “small” secret or a “huge” secret? This way you will understand how important it is not to spill the beans. In addition, it will be clear whether it is necessary to devote your full attention to the person when he opens up (it is indecent to look at the phone during a serious conversation).
- Prepare to hear the secret, knowing that it is something you can accept.
- If you reveal a secret and there are legal consequences, then you need to be even more careful about maintaining confidentiality.
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Ask how long the secret must be kept. It may be easier for you to remain silent if you know that it is only for a specific period of time. If the person expects you to keep it to yourself forever, it's better to know about it in advance.
Don't bring up this topic with anyone. If you bring up a secret topic with someone, you'll be more likely to want to spill the beans. You may (consciously or unconsciously) bring up a related topic in hopes that you will have the opportunity to tell the secret. Be alert so you don't accidentally trip.
Change the subject if necessary. If a person mentions something related to a secret in a conversation, you may need to change the subject.
- By continuing to talk about things that remind you of the secret, you will put the secret first in your thoughts and may be tempted to spill the beans.
- Try to change the subject casually so that the person does not notice that you are hiding something.
- If necessary, find a reason to leave. Sometimes avoiding a conversation is the only way to keep a secret.
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Pretend you don't know anything. Does anyone suspect that you have a secret? Try to be evasive if you are asked a question directly.
- You can pretend you don't know anything by asking questions about the secret.
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Lie if you have to. You may need to lie that you don't know about the secret. In this case, be sure to remember what you told the person so as not to “get caught” in a lie. It's better to just lie and say you don't know anything (even if you don't) than to make up a detailed lie.
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Be honest. If someone continues to press you for information, say, “I can’t talk to you about this yet.” Yes, by doing this you are admitting that you know something, but you are not giving away the secret.
- If the person insists, politely ask him to stop questioning you.
Determine how serious the information is before you hear it. If a person warns you in advance that they are going to tell you a secret, find out more details first.
How to deal with the urge to tell
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Write it down and destroy it. Describing a secret on paper in detail and then destroying the evidence is a good way to “solve the secret.”
- Make sure you dispose of the evidence carefully. Consider burning it (safely) or putting it through a paper shredder.
- If you throw your notes in the trash, tear the paper into pieces and bury it under other trash. You can even scatter the pieces into different trash cans or immediately throw the trash into a trash chute or outdoor bin.
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- Make sure it is truly an anonymous environment.
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Tell an inanimate object. Sharing a stuffed animal, a pet (even though it's an animate object), or a collectible can make you feel like you're talking to someone. If you feel like you're about to explode inside because of the silence, this may provide instant relief.
- Make sure there is no one nearby who could overhear you.
- Before you talk about your secret out loud, make sure your phone and computer are not connected to audio or video chat.
- You might even consider sharing with a child who can't speak yet. You will feel as if you are talking to a person, but the likelihood of revealing the secret will be extremely low.
Think about the consequences. Imagine exactly what will happen if you spill the secret. Will you ruin the surprise? Or the reputation of the one who asked you to remain silent? Or maybe your relationship with him? Perhaps you will forever lose the trust of not only your friend, but also the one to whom you tell this secret. Always remember that the request “just don’t tell anyone” has a real motivation, and violating it has real consequences.
Ask questions. First, ask directly how long you should keep this secret. It’s one thing if you need to remain silent for a couple of weeks or months, another thing if you are actually asked to take the secret with you to the grave. As a rule, the first thing is required, and this is not so difficult. Secondly, clarify who exactly you cannot tell. Again, rare information must be kept in the strictest confidence from the whole world. Usually it should not be known to a certain circle of people - friends, colleagues, relatives. Of course, this doesn’t mean that you should immediately happily tell your friend’s mom about her affair with her boss. But if you tell a “safe” person, your soul will be a little calmer.
Don't try the forbidden fruit. Never hint to others that you have been entrusted with some extraordinary secret. The phrase “oh-you-have-no-idea-what-I-learned here” is almost always followed by a picturesque story about what exactly you learned. The temptation is especially great if the interlocutor really shows great interest in the secret. This pleases your vanity, because it automatically means interest in you personally, even if temporary.
Don't give in. If your loved ones find out that you have been entrusted with some secret, they will definitely try to get it out of simple curiosity! Be careful: it is enough to answer twenty questions indirectly related to the subject, and the interlocutor himself will guess the secret. If you are provoked into such conversations, try to respond in monosyllables, laugh it off and move the conversation to another topic.
Don't come any closer. In conversations, try to generally avoid the person or object with which the secret is connected. Pretend that you are not interested in them, at least for now. If you are a bad actor, admit honestly that you simply do not want to discuss Masha and her relationship with Peter. But you don’t know any secrets.
Discuss! One of the main reasons why we give away other people's secrets is because we really want to discuss them with someone. Do not deny yourself, but choose as your interlocutor the very person who entrusted you with this secret. Don’t be shy: if he made you his attorney, then he probably doesn’t mind talking about his secret. Feel free to call him every time you painfully want to blurt out a secret to someone.
Tell someone who is sure not to blab. That is, your favorite cat, soft toy or mirror. People, alas, are not included in this list: absolutely anyone can let it slip. The ideal option is to entrust the secret to the diary. Or just write on a piece of paper and immediately destroy it. You shouldn’t rely on a personal blog: there will always be extra people who will accidentally visit your page.
Be honest. When you are directly asked a question related to someone else’s secret, boldly answer: “I was asked not to tell anyone.” There is nothing inconvenient about this. By saying this, you show your best side. If your interlocutor is offended, remind him that now he knows for sure: he can completely trust you and you won’t spill his secrets either.
Get advice. If you are dying to tell someone (or you think it would be right), do not be lazy to ask permission from the person who trusted you. Question: “Maybe we should tell Vasya?” is much more normal than the statement: “Listen, I accidentally blurted everything out to Vasya.” Even if your friend has nothing against Vasya, he will draw disappointing conclusions about you.
Tell me. Remember that there are secrets that simply cannot be kept. They may, for example, pose an objective threat to someone’s health or life, relationships, or career. It happens that it is better to give away a secret and lose one friend than ten. But even in this case, honestly admit to the one who made you his confidant that you will not remain silent. And only then go out to Red Square with a megaphone.
Almost every person knows things about others that are best not made public. Such information is called a secret. It doesn’t matter how a person learned the secret of another person - he heard, overheard, or his soul was “revealed”.
Unfortunately, most people are chronically unable to keep other people's secrets; such people simply cannot help themselves. They give out other people's secrets, and even their own, automatically, after which they often regret the secret they told.
A secret is not something that is not told to anyone.
A secret is something that is spoken about in private and in a low voice.
Marcel Pagnol
Why can't people keep secrets?
Psychologists have come to the conclusion that such people are simply deprived of attention.For example, a woman or a man is not very popular in their team, of course, they are given some attention and listened to, but this is not enough for them, they want more.
How can you attract even more attention? That's right, tell someone's interesting secret, which will be of interest to everyone, and will put such a person in the center of attention of others.
Women's secrets usually relate to their personal lives - who cheated on whom, who is dating whom, etc. But often men also discuss the same secrets.
Men are interested in secrets, most often related to work or earnings, and, of course, they don’t shy away from secrets in relationships either. Only they are interested in secrets about a particular woman, how many boyfriends she had and whether she has one now, why she broke up with her ex, etc. Usually men are interested in such secrets for two reasons - either they like the woman, or the man is simply gaining life experience, studying what you shouldn’t do about other people’s mistakes so as not to end up in a similar situation.
Chronic talkers often tell secrets, after which they feel remorse, and colleagues stop trusting such gossipers. And this is all for the sake of the attention of others. But those around them understand that if such a chatterbox tells a secret about someone, then they cannot trust their secrets to such a person, since such a person does not know how to keep secrets. And many try not to make friends with such gossips or gossips, for fear of accidentally spilling the beans, which will then become known to everyone.
You need to constantly monitor your conversation with such a person (who does not know how to keep secrets), since everything unnecessary said will be known to others. That’s why they don’t like such talkative people and don’t take them as friends, because friends are needed to rest and relax, but with such talkers this is impossible.
Of course, people who do not know how to keep secrets have friends, but it is difficult to call them friends, since they are often friends with such people in order to obtain information about other people, etc. Of course, everyone can find real friends, but first you need to learn to keep other people's secrets.
On one forum a question was asked about what is the biggest secret they keep. People willingly shared their secrets, secrets and skeletons in the closet. Someone else's secret is always attractive and interesting. What are men and women silent about? What secrets do they hide and what secrets bother them?
“We all have something to hide. Something we don't want to show others. And we pretend that everything is fine, hiding behind the rainbow. And maybe that's for the best. Some corners of the soul are better not seen by anyone.” Dexter
On one popular forum, a question was asked about the secrets and secrets that they are hiding now. Many people responded anonymously or from temporary profiles that they had specifically registered for replying. It was very interesting to read.
One person responded: “Nice try mom.” Others saw the hand of the intelligence services or the police behind this. Still others preferred to keep the secret to themselves. But some people shared their secrets and skeletons.
Many people have had troubles or happy moments that formed the basis of a secret or secret. By reading these secrets you will understand how boring your personal everyday life can be. But this can be good when the stars favor you and everything is predictable and good for you.
100 secrets and mysteries of people
1. I have been friends with a wonderful girl for a long time and secretly love her. But I will never tell her about this. Not in this life.
2. My family doesn’t know that I quit my job and am now trying to work for myself.
3. I am a virgin at 27 years old, although I am pretty and my figure is fine.
4. Spent a lot of money on gambling, but my family doesn't know about it.
5. I just quit my job and went traveling. All my friends and family think I'm just an idiot having a midlife crisis. But this is my last trip. I have a brain tumor and I am incurable.
6. At work I often surf the Internet and half the time I simply don’t work.
7. I have been deeply depressed for the last year and don’t know what to do. I have a family, a job and children, but I am very unhappy. Although everyone thinks differently.
8. I always have a chocolate bar in my bag, I never share and always eat it myself.
9. When I was young, I slept with men for money and traveled with them a lot. But then I found myself a boyfriend and now I’m hiding about it.
10. I have a tattoo on an intimate place, but no one has seen it yet.
11. I want to soon quit my job, relationship and move to another city. I have already started saving money.
12. One of my friends starred in homemade porn, but she doesn’t know that I know and even watched it.
13. I always want to kiss my beautiful colleague at work, but she is already married.
14. Showed her boobs to strangers when she was drunk.
15. I often think about suicide, although I have never tried.
16. I ruined my five-year relationship with the best guy in the world. Everyone thought it was due to our differences, but it wasn't. At the end of the relationship, I became interested in another guy, but he didn’t care. We broke up, but it torments me every day.
17. I’ve been fat all my life, but I started secretly going in for sports. I want to amaze everyone by changing my body to a sports one.
18. I know that my friend sleeps with a man who has a family and children.
19. I like young men, although I myself am 44 years old. I'm divorced, but my children don't know that I prefer younger guys.
20. I want to propose to my girlfriend and am waiting for the right moment.
21. I constantly watch porn and masturbate, although I have a girlfriend and sex with her.
22. My parents work in the church and believe in God. But I have lost faith in him and am afraid to confess to my parents.
23. I hate my wife. Everything I do is wrong in her eyes. I want to break up, but I haven’t decided yet.
24. I am in love with a girl who is in love with another guy who is hopelessly in love with another. This is an endless circle of sadness, not love.
25. My boyfriend cheated on me, but I still don’t know whether to break up or not. I cheated on him with another guy and I feel revenged. We continue to meet for now.
26. I was raped when I was young, but I didn’t tell anyone about it.
27. I haven’t loved my wife for many years.
28. I'm 28 years old and still a virgin. I've never asked girls out on dates and I'm afraid to do so. I'll probably be alone all my life.
29. I am in love with my friend, but we will never be together. I value our friendship and care about him.
30. I'm a girl and I have a best friend. I had sex with my girlfriend's boyfriend while they were arguing. But now they have made peace, but I hide about our sex.
31. I don’t want a family and children. This will limit my freedom, which I don't want. Although I have a girlfriend.
32. I am often bullied at school, but I started taking jiu-jitsu.
33. I like girls, although I am a girl myself. I'm secretly dating a lesbian even though I have a boyfriend. I have sex with both sexes and this is my secret.
34. My boyfriend cheated on me, but I don't let on that I know. I was already so tired of looking for new guys, in every sense, that I just gave up on this betrayal.
35. I tell everyone that everything is fine with me. But for the last three years I've been crying at night.
36. I really want to leave my husband, but I haven’t decided yet, because he provides for me.
37. My parents don’t know that I’m married and have a child.
38. I danced a striptease at a party when I got drunk.
39. I love my girlfriend, but I constantly think about how to date different girls. I want to meet people on the street and again experience all these emotions of love and sex.
40. I had an abortion when I was young, but no one knows about it.
41. I still love my ex, although I am already married to someone else.
42. I want to try anal sex with a girl, but I’m afraid to offer it to her.
43. I don't pay taxes on all the money I receive from other companies. I have to hide this from the tax office.
44. I am sick with an incurable disease that Zemfira sings about. In six months I quit my job and leave for India forever.
46. I hate my job and am secretly looking for a new one that is radically different.
47. I was a drug addict in my youth, but I overcame my addiction. I still find it difficult to restrain myself.
48. I have a second family on the side with a child. I don’t know how to get out of all this and I’m tired of the constant deceptions.
49. Found out that I was pregnant. My boyfriend doesn't know about this yet. But he will soon find out.
50. I once slept with two guys at the same time. In general, I didn’t have very strict principles and had a blast as best I could.
51. I ride a motorcycle, although my parents don’t know. They are very worried about my previous falls from the bike.
52. I’m marrying a guy who cheated on me several times. I'm too weak to leave him. And my family has already prepared the wedding.
53. I sleep with my housemate, but she asks me not to tell anyone about it. She has a boyfriend and I have a girlfriend.
54. Once I stole a T-shirt from a clothing store. This was when I was young.
55. I have a real pistol, which I inherited from my grandfather, who fought with the Germans. Only our family knows about this.
56. Everyone thinks that I work a lot and am a workaholic. But really I just play on the computer a lot.
57. I have decided to retire in 2043, when I will be 60 years old. I still have enough time to fulfill other dreams for now.
58. I work as a teacher. I have sex with my students who easily fall in love with me. I think I'll never get married.
59. For a whole week I pretended to be sick at work. I just wanted to go to the festival for a whole week. I managed.
60. I hide from my parents that I have been smoking for many years.
62. I’m a nice girl, but I’m interested in BDSM and all sorts of perversions. But I'm afraid to tell my boyfriend about it.
63. I am on the verge of a psychological breakdown. The business is bringing in less and less money and soon I will be bankrupt. And the family thinks everything is great.
64. I'm secretly in love with my friend's girlfriend, but I'm the third wheel.
65. When I have sex with a girl, I close my eyes and imagine her other girls together.
66. I said that I don’t love the guy anymore and will look for someone else. But in reality, I don’t want to date anyone anymore.
67. I am infertile, but my parents are expecting grandchildren from me.
68. I slept with my boss’s mistress, but I kept it a secret.
69. I have always envied girls who have toys from a sex shop. I recently bought myself a dildo.
70. I have a girlfriend with whom I have been together for five years. But through the Internet I met another girl who lives in a neighboring country. She is very beautiful and interesting. I don't know what to do next.
71. Had a threesome with another couple who offered me money for it. And she ate the fish and earned money.
72. One day I found a wallet, but did not give it to the police. I spent the money on myself.
73. I am not satisfied with my current job and relationship with my boyfriend. I want to quit everything and start all over again. I have already started preparing for this step.
74. I am pregnant from my ex and am planning to have an abortion.
75. I have an imaginary friend with whom I have conversations and talk regularly.
76. Slept with my boss to get a promotion. Received.
77. Stole money from his parents.
78. My wife and I are active swingers, although outwardly we are a normal couple. But on the other side of life we live in sin.
79. I drink seriously and hide it from people.
80. One of my employees watches TV series half the time at work. But I won't fire her. She works too well and the company needs her.
81. I want to try sex when the girl is wearing a strap-on.
82. I have very little money and I'm broke, although my friends don't know about it.
83. I am a former alcoholic and am struggling with it. It is very difficult for me not to drink when there are so many temptations around.
84. I know that one of my parents is cheating on the other. I do not know what to do.
85. Once I got drunk and slept with a company client. We have been lovers for many years, although we both have families.
87. I hide my age from my boyfriend, because he is younger than me. This is my secret that could easily be revealed.
88. She left for the capital when she was young. I’ve been working as an escort for a long time, but my parents don’t know about it. I want to jump out of all this, but it’s not possible yet.
89. Put nails under the wheels of his neighbor, whom he hated.
90. My girlfriend has gained weight in recent years. She doesn't want to clean herself up, and I'm thinking of leaving her. I myself am fond of sports and go to the gym.
91. I used to think that I wanted to be a programmer. But now I realized that I want to be a rapper and I dream of devoting my life to it. Nobody knows about this.
92. I am a nudist to the core. Several times a year I fly to relax at the seaside and visit nudist beaches.
93. Everyone thinks that I am a good and naive girl. But I'm dying to have a boyfriend and have sex with him.
94. I play poker to earn extra income, but I hide it.
95. Sent nude photos of herself to guys she was dating at the time. Now all my exes have good collections of my naked photos.
96. I have been in business for 10 years. I try to be nice to people, but I have become a terrible cynic. I have no faith or love for people at all.
97. I didn’t tell my parents that I left the university and was already working.
98. I was cleaning my boyfriend's apartment and found a receipt for the ring. I'm waiting for him to propose. I'm happy.
99. Everyone is trying hard at work, being in relationships, starting families, buying apartments, but all this is not interesting to me. I want to travel, fall in love and write books all my life.
100. I’m going to quit my job and buy a dream house by the sea in the coming years.
What are you hiding?