How to overcome the fear of your first kiss. Philemaphobia - fear of kisses, causes of phobia and treatment Overcome fear of kissing

Many men ask the question: “Why am I embarrassed to approach and meet a girl I like and what to do about it?” You can overcome your fears if you step by step acquire communication skills with representatives of the fair sex. To do this, you need to learn how to properly leave your comfort zone.

How to overcome shyness when communicating. Simple tips

If you want to be relaxed when communicating with girls, you need to communicate with them as much as possible. Communication cannot be learned from books. Ability to communicate comes with experience. There are no other ways.

Finding a new hobby

A great option to start with is to sign up for some group classes, clubs or meetings of like-minded people, where, one way or another, you will have to communicate with people.

Here are some suitable examples:

Morning jogging.
Yoga classes.
Workouts in the gym.
Cultural events: literary meetings, concerts, etc.
Charity events.

The more girls you manage to establish contact with, the more confidence this useful experience will give you.

Chatting in Internet

Communicating in absentia is much easier. Therefore, it is better to start with dating on the Internet.

A successful virtual acquaintance can always be turned into a real one. If you find a common language with a girl, invite her on a date.

You can read a detailed article on how to meet a girl on the Internet. It is also useful to learn how to do the right ones.

Here are some useful tips on how.

You can read about the best place to invite a girl on a first date.

Here's how to spend your first date.

Experience of successful people

People who have achieved success in their business do not suffer from a lack of attention from women. Girls prefer dating men who know how to achieve their goals.

When communicating with a couple of successful acquaintances, you need to observe their behavior in the presence of women, look at their gestures, manner of conversation, ability to choose clothes, etc. This will be an invaluable experience that will definitely come in handy in establishing communication with the girl you like.

In order to learn how to confidently meet girls, you also need to learn from masters who have been dating and seducing girls for years, and teach others how to do this. In our article we have collected the most useful ones for becoming more confident and successful.

Positive visualization

You can get some communication experience at home. To do this, you need to pronounce phrases with different intonations in front of the mirror.

Mentally imagine the meeting scene in every detail: your behavior, posture during the conversation. This is what great sages and famous speakers did, and the authors of many books on psychology give this advice. Positive visualization, supported by real actions, will allow you to achieve great success in a short time.

How to overcome fear and approach a girl. Expanding the boundaries of your comfort zone

The comfort zone is an internal state of comfort and calm, when nothing causes a feeling of discomfort or constraint. If you are constantly in this state - You are not developing.

To feel relaxed when meeting a girl you like, you need to constantly leave your comfort zone: overcome your fears, stop being shy.

At first it will be difficult, but over time the acquired skills will work automatically, and you will have no time to think about your shyness. She will stop worrying.

You need to expand your comfort zone gradually - step by step. The smaller these steps are, the more comfortable it will be to move forward.

First, you need to make a list of tasks. You need to start with a task that you can do here and now, which does not cause insurmountable fear. For example, you can ask a girl how to get to the city library.

Each next task is more difficult than the previous one. The last point is that your goal is to meet a girl and ask her out on a date.

A sample list of tasks might look like this:

Ask the girl how you can get to the desired place (museum, theater, train station, street, etc.) And don’t forget to smile. You should not keep your hands folded on your chest. No chewing gum or stupid grins. Calm and natural demeanor.
Hold the girl's attention for 5 minutes.
Make a girl smile.
Start a casual dialogue. Hold on for 10 minutes.
Persuade the girl to accompany her to the metro, to the bus stop, to the place where she needs to go.
Get a phone number.
Invite a girl on a date so that she agrees.

Prerequisites

Number of steps to the goal unlimited.
You need to move on to the next step only when the previous one does not cause any discomfort.

Don’t be upset if at first not much comes out of your plans. Persistence in achieving what you set out to achieve and the firm belief that everyone deserves the best in this life will definitely lead to results.

With girl . Although it is customary to call men the stronger sex and a priori ascribe to them decisiveness in relationships, for many of them meeting a woman turns out to be psychologically extremely difficult. And the reason for this phenomenon lies to a large extent in the male way of thinking.

Society puts it in the heads of men from a very young age. A representative of any gender can fail, but for some reason failure for a man is considered a much greater shame. And this psychological attitude is so deeply rooted in the mind that a man is ashamed of his own failures and even fears the risk of failure.

And as a result, only the fear of being rejected turns into an insurmountable obstacle to getting closer to a pretty person. Moreover, the more attractive the beauty is in the eyes of the gentleman, the stronger the fear of being rejected turns out to be.

But to deal with any problem, you should know it as best as possible. What is this emotion that so greatly interferes with the establishment of social and personal life? Let's define what fear is, determine the meaning of this concept and the reasons that can cause such a feeling.

Let us divide the types of fear according to the reasons by which they can be caused: subjective, directly related to the personality of the person who is experiencing emotions, and objective, depending much more on external circumstances than on the individual.

Objective ones have an easily noticeable cause: criminal situations, natural or man-made disasters, other difficult or insurmountable events.

Subjective ones are based on personal experience or information received from various sources, processed by the consciousness not always logically and reasonably. Subjective, often without a real basis, is cowardice in the presence of a romantically attractive girl. A strange contradiction arises: if a woman is not interested in a man in terms of love, he calmly approaches her with a conversation, but approaching the object of sympathy turns out to be prohibitively difficult.

In such cases, there is a useful technique available to any adult: imagine the worst that will happen in case of failure. What can happen? A beautiful woman will refuse you in a harsh manner, showing only flaws in character or upbringing, but without causing you any real damage. And possible damage to self-esteem can be easily overcome with the help of a specialist.

How can a man overcome fear and resistance when dating?

Each of us is a unique, perfect individual personality, the manifestation of which forms our communication with people and our reputation in their eyes. Psychological complexes that develop in almost every person throughout life interfere with the manifestations of individuality, distort or suppress them. Negative experiences, low self-esteem and, as a result, self-doubt become the basis for the development of fear.

Important point

It is much easier to communicate with people you already know. You know what to expect from them, you can count on understanding and even moral support from loved ones. But how to overcome cowardice and tightness?

It is easier for us to communicate with loved ones, because... we know that they will treat us with understanding and support. However, when it comes to strangers, our confidence disappears, and getting closer to a beautiful lady will already require certain moral efforts. And worrying about what strangers around you might think would be especially undesirable. Therefore, you should start having romantic meetings in uncrowded places where you will not be a constant object of outside attention.

How can a young man overcome the crippling fear of meeting people?

Start your fight with proven theoretical knowledge with the help of an experienced specialist in the field.
The next and especially significant step is the practical application of acquired knowledge and the active acquisition of new skills. The more often you try to approach, the less it will bother you. But the results achieved are also important - at the practical stage, one should regularly analyze the attempts that have taken place, marking successful moments for further use, and unsuccessful ones for elimination. The accumulating base will allow you to create new models of behavior that are effective for you.
Don’t devote your free time just to looking for ways to overcome the feeling of being intimidated by girls! Relieve stress in useful simple ways: sports, music.
If the listed methods are not enough, hypnosis will be effective, or rather hypnotic relief of mental stress, getting rid of negativity, and opening your perception to something new and positive.

The most important criterion will be your psychological attitude. Positive thoughts will move you towards achieving your goal, negative thoughts can harm you.
Strive for the top! Try to establish contact with a truly impressive and beautiful woman. If the communication is successful, it will deservedly increase self-esteem; if unsuccessful, girls of modest appearance will no longer seem unattainable.
Try your hand at talking with unfamiliar people - this will become an intermediate step in the question of how you can overcome the stupor when approaching.
A modest but useful psychological technique: just try to communicate with unfamiliar girls without romantic goals, just to hone your skills.

Philemaphobia and the nature of the course of the voiced mental illness. In the article, people with this problem will be offered options for getting rid of the discomfort that arises, which threatens a person’s personal life.

The content of the article:

Philemaphobia is a pathology that is associated with a person’s rejection of such a fact as kissing. With such strange behavior, people can fall in love and even enter into legal marriage. However, the mere thought of touching their lips terrifies philemaphobes. With such a problem, you can really destroy your personal happiness with your own hands, so you should fully understand it.

Causes of philemaphobia

Anti-fans of kisses are not at all inadequate individuals or maniacs. In some cases, the origins of the formation of their mental illness should be sought in the following life situations that happened to them in the past:

Visual shock. In such romantic films as “Titanic”, “Romeo and Juliet” or “Three Meters Above Sea Level”, the audience simply gasps with delight at the scene of intense passion between a pair of lovers. However, the bloody kiss of Christopher Walken (Headless Horseman upon acquisition) and Miranda Richardson (Mary Van Tassel) in Tim Burton's gothic horror film Sleepy Hollow can sometimes cause a pathology such as philemaphobia.
Negative experiences in the past. Some sentimental people readily shed a tear when they see the passionate kiss of Vivien Leigh and Clark Gable in the film Gone with the Wind. However, in fact, this demonstration of passionate emotions became real torture for the actress. The main characters of the legendary work conflicted with each other on the set, so the wayward Rhett Butler, before the most romantic scene of the film, consumed a spicy salad with onions out of a sense of revenge.
Excessive disgust. People with such oddities do not need negative experiences from the past, because the fear of kissing is simply in their blood. They initially do not want to have any contact with members of the opposite sex. They consider their own body to be a zone of increased sterility, and ideally they would like to place it in a spacesuit to protect it from touch even from their immediate environment.
Fear of violation of personal space. Everyone defines for themselves the boundaries of such a distance from people. It is impossible to get within a meter of someone without causing him to have an acute panic attack. For some people, the fact of approaching their lips or cheek is enough to put the poor fellow into a state of stupor.
Human bite. At the same time, you should immediately exclude all kinds of erotic fantasies that concern inventive adults. When kids visit a local “party” in the form of a sandbox, they tend to react somewhat strangely to each other. If another child is noticeably bitten, the injured party may, in some cases, become philemaphobic in the future.
Fear of falling in love. A certain category of people, for some belief only known to them, are sure that it is a kiss that can break through the armor of their heart. In this case, there is a clear parallel with the film “Pretty Woman,” where a prostitute willingly served clients for a small fee, but did not allow them to kiss her on the lips. For her, the word “sex” was an empty sound, but the touch of lips to another person was considered by the night fairy to be a manifestation of love, which she was afraid of.
Inexperience in the intimate sphere. Some may find the episode in the film “Girls” funny, where the main character was afraid of kissing because noses might get in the way during the process. However, despite the comical nature of the situation, when an adult cook behaved in this way, it is worth thinking about the fear of many girls of the first kiss, even to the point of developing philemaphobia in them.
Wearing braces. In this case, we will talk more about complexes than about reluctance to kiss the object you like. The fear of appearing pitiful and flawed makes people who are quite interesting in appearance turn into the heroine of the series “Don’t Be Born Beautiful.”
Victim of violence. In some tragic situations, you can come face to face with a sexually promiscuous person or even a maniac. For monster people, there is no word “no” if they decide to enter into intimate contact with the object they like. After such abuse of body and soul, the victim of violence will begin to avoid not only kisses, but also contact with the outside world in general.

Of the six listed reasons for the fear of kissing, only a feeling of increased disgust can be called an innate human characteristic. In other situations, touching lips scares only those people who have suffered some kind of stress in their past.

Manifestations of fear of kissing in humans

Even those closest to the sufferer are able to notice the described pathology, because the person they care about deviates from the kiss when they meet. In addition to the voiced sign of an existing problem in the form of philemaphobia, the following symptoms of mental imbalance in the affected party should be noted:

Panic attacks. If someone tries to kiss a person of this type, then let them prepare for the most negative consequences for themselves. At best, the philemaphobe’s hands will shake and his legs will begin to give way. In the worst case scenario, the provocateur has a real opportunity to receive a resounding slap in the face, which he does not always deserve.
Lack of control over one's own actions. In some situations, when trying to flirt in this way with a person who can’t stand kisses, you definitely won’t get away with just a slap in the face. Fists can literally be used, because every person has the so-called instinct of self-preservation in a threatening situation.
Tendency to solitude. Philemaphobes are very often ready to enter into intimate relationships with the opposite sex, but will not tolerate “calf tenderness” of a different kind. Not every potential partner will accept such strangeness, because in the subconscious they will feel a certain disgust towards their person. In most cases, he will simply stop contact with the hysterical chosen one, which will become a normal program for the philemaphobe in the future for relationships with the opposite sex.
Irrational fears. The wording itself suggests that a person’s fears for any reason are not the real reason for obvious panic. However, you can be afraid of the same sharks, even if you do not live in their habitat, which will not look strange. Fear of kisses cannot be a rational fear if people consider themselves adequate individuals.
Dislike of romantic films. Any episode in which a couple passionate about each other kisses can infuriate any philemaphobe. He can react quite calmly to thrillers and even horror films, but is unable to watch innocent scenes of two lovers meeting.
Limited circle of friends. If a person has a severe form of fear of kissing, then he will be wary of communicating with the opposite sex. This pattern of behavior is not a 100% fact of the possible behavior of a philemaphobe, but in most cases everything happens exactly according to the announced pattern.

Risk zone for the formation of philemaphobia

Any problem can in some cases be prevented if you prepare for it in advance. There are five groups of individuals who are most susceptible to fear of kissing even a loved one:

Representatives of the skin vector. People with such a model of perceiving the outside world can be quite difficult to communicate with as individuals in the eyes of their close circle. In all objects they see a huge number of infections and deadly viruses. They literally feel with their skin the danger to their health from other people. Kisses, hugs and handshakes are out of the question with philemaphobes, because they simply will not allow them.
Representatives of the anal vector. It is quite easy to identify such people because they are always categorical in their reasoning. This fact especially concerns men who consider all women who have already had sexual experience with another partner before marriage to be second-class citizens. At the same time, people of this type of character are able to clean up the house every minute, not wanting kisses from their loved one.
Representatives of the sense of smell vector. For voiced personalities, the smells that surround them are very important. You can't force them to visit their local dumpster to dispose of their food waste. In extreme cases, they will pull on a mask or gas mask and sneak to the fetid place in pitch darkness. They do not like the aromas of most perfumes, and they remember the bad breath of someone they know as if it were a nightmare.
Representatives of the tactile vector. For people of this type, any touch is not just unpleasant, but even seems hostile if they have signs of social phobia. For them, kissing is associated with an alien invasion, which the poor fellows do not even hide. They are not just afraid of acquiring any infection through contact with someone, but simply do not want their lips and body to be touched.
Representatives of the visual vector. In this case, we will talk about the model of erroneous child upbringing. Children not only hear everything, but also see everything that is happening in their family. If the younger generation observes for a long time the relationship of philemaphobic parents or a couple simply not loving each other, then this is firmly imprinted in the consciousness.

Famous philemaphobes

In some situations, you shouldn’t be so openly jealous of the wealth and luxurious life of generally recognized public favorites. Not all stars of the catwalk, cinema or political life can be called happy people in all senses of this concept:

Erica Valentine. A famous model, living in the capital of Foggy Albion, is categorically against kisses and hugs. Having a striking appearance, a famous person may not go on dates for years and refuses intimacy. At the same time, she was still able to get married, but after eight years her marriage came to a predictable end. To this day, a pronounced philemaphobe begins to panic at the possibility of receiving a portion of viruses and bacteria from another person during a kiss.
Victoria Beckham. Her husband is one of the most desirable representatives of the stronger sex for women all over the world. However, when they saw the singer’s slightly distorted face during a kiss with her star husband, some David Beckham fans thought deeply about the noticed episode. His wife, a former member of the Spice Girls, has become a raging philemaphobe because the famous football player has a very bad odor on his breath, in the form of an odor made from fish waste. Such a nuisance is in no way a congenital anomaly in David, because he simply became the face of a fish oil company and takes capsules with this substance every day.
Michelle Obama. A similar truth was revealed during a competition between the American and Brazilian basketball teams. Amid the approving cries of the audience, the wife of the former president flatly refused to kiss her other half, unfaithful in all respects. Michelle was still able to forgive the scandal involving Barack Obama and a certain black representative of the presidential election campaign. When public opinion was shocked by information about the homosexual relations of the head of the country, Michelle, after receiving the information, became a philemaphobe.
Kim Basinger. The famous actress felt extremely uncomfortable on the set of the movie “9 ½ Weeks.” The reason for her tense state was kissing Mickey Rourke, who then became a sex symbol in the eyes of his many fans. Kim's problem is that she can't stand men who smoke. Consequently, she can safely be classified as a philemaphobe, because a very small percentage of the strong half of humanity does not use tobacco products.
Kirsten Dunst. This promising actress, star of the cult film Interview with the Vampire, had this problem until she was 16 years old. She even shuddered for a long time whenever anyone tried to kiss her on the cheek. The origins of the problem should be sought in the period when Brad Pitt kissed her, an eleven-year-old girl. Naturally, the so-called “French” penetration of the language did not occur. However, the future star was very afraid of her father’s reaction to such an action on television.

If you carefully observe the life stories of famous personalities, you can once again be convinced that philemaphobia is an elementary consequence of an extremely unpleasant situation. However, using the example of the same listed stars (with the exception of Erica Valentine), we can safely say that their problem is exclusively temporary.

Ways to deal with the fear of kissing

If the question is limited solely to fears before the first kiss, then therapy in this case is not worth it. When we are talking about people of reproductive or fairly mature age, it is necessary to immediately get rid of the sounded misfortune.

Independent actions for philemaphobia

Internal fears quite often have such a complex nature of formation that they cannot be dealt with alone. However, when asking how to overcome the fear of kissing, you can somehow mitigate the problem that has arisen:

Autotraining (self-hypnosis). If the matter does not concern a feeling of disgust towards a kiss as such a phenomenon, then the matter is the presence of inferiority complexes in a person. Therefore, it is worth looking for the reason not in the existing factor, but in the reason for its formation. In combination with auto-training, yoga classes can help, in which performing physical exercises strengthens not only the body, but also the spirit of any person.
Accuracy when kissing. This point should be taken into account by people who wear braces. Love is love, but you can make your chosen one and yourself a philemaphobe for a long time if you cause physical harm to each other during a kiss.
Frank conversation with your partner. If people respect each other, then any problem can be solved without a painful break in relations in the future. In this case, I immediately remember Irina Muravyova’s phrase in the movie “Moscow Doesn’t Believe in Tears” that a loving person will forgive everything. In this situation, we are talking about elementary understanding, which will help verify the sincerity of the chosen one’s feelings. However, when talking with him, you should be extremely correct, using words like “let’s try better like this” or “we haven’t experimented like this for a long time.”
Zero goal. The expression that all means are fair in the struggle for love does not sound great in all life situations. There is no need to create barricades and then courageously overcome them. Humanity has already been to Space and conquered many mountain peaks. Why create a bicycle when it has already been designed and used a long time ago. The object of affection should not feel like a laboratory mouse, because then the fear of kissing can become the smallest disaster in a couple’s relationship.
Quitting alcohol and cigarettes. Both a gentleman and a lady should not resemble a tobacco stand or liquor store before kissing. This factor applies to both partners, who are either just looking at each other or have already formed a stable couple. Philemaphobia often occurs because the person you like smokes or drinks strong drinks.
Visit to the dentist and gastroenterologist. Bad breath can be either a result of a malfunction of the gastrointestinal tract or a consequence of deteriorating teeth. Only the person whose significant other has gotten rid of the problem mentioned above can cease to be a philemaphobe.

Treatment course with a psychotherapist for philemaphobia

If you have any doubt about how to overcome the fear of kissing, you should think about the feasibility of carrying out the planned event. If a person is completely satisfied with the current situation, which can lead to the collapse of his personal life, then the issue is immediately removed from the agenda. Otherwise, every effort should be made to ensure that philemaphobia disappears forever from the life of a person who just wants to live and love.

Fear of dating a girl- This is one of the most common fears among young guys. In life, it manifests itself as a complete inability to approach an unfamiliar girl and start communicating in a relaxed manner. This leads to the fact that the young man is generally unable to have a normal relationship with a girl.

You've probably found yourself in this situation: you see a beautiful girl, you want to talk to her, take her phone number and invite her for a walk. And it seems that everything is simple! Come and speak. But something inside doesn't let you do it. You follow her and still can’t make up your mind. As a result, she leaves, and you begin to scold yourself for weakness and for missing out on such a doll. After all, there was such a great chance...

Fear of acquaintance manifests itself not only as fear of approach. It also appears as:

slurred muttering when talking to a stranger
increased sweating when communicating
slight trembling throughout the body
weakness in legs
and so on.

How is it that attractive guys, healthy, well dressed, smart and with money, have problems meeting and communicating with girls? Where does this very fear of a girl come from?

The root of the problem

It's no secret that modern society is clearly matriarchal. Boys are raised by women from childhood, and male education is virtually absent. The mother looks after the child, the kindergarten teacher is a woman, the school teacher is also a woman, and so on. All this leads to men growing up unmasculine.

Initially, the behavior of a little boy is significantly different from the behavior of a little girl. Boys are more confrontational and aggressive. This behavior is provided for by nature, because this is a future man who will have to extract resources and fight against others. But since women are involved in upbringing, they usually suppress aggressiveness, competitiveness, and the ability to fight and resist.

Of course, this comes from good intentions. The mother is worried about the child, afraid that he will get injured. And there is much less hassle with such children, because parents are not called to school, the child’s clothes are clean. In general, such a good boy is growing up. The mother looks at such a son and is touched...

But it doesn’t even occur to her that she is introducing a female model of behavior into the boy’s brain. Such a good boy will turn out to be, at best, a loser pick-up artist who has no success with girls and in life, and at worst, a gay guy whose masculinity will be completely blocked.

Here are the consequences of matriarchal upbringing:

1 Fear of a woman. In the process of education, all rewards or punishments come from the woman. Accordingly, the child develops dependence and fear towards his mother, sister, teacher, and so on. After the boy grows up, such fear is projected onto other women. Why? Yes, because the child associates the mother with all women. Through fear of the mother, fear of girls in general is formed.
2 Fear of meeting girls- follows from the first problem. On the one hand, the guy’s masculine instincts push him to take active actions, but on the other hand, he is simply afraid of the girl. It jams my psyche. The moment of dating turns into a very stressful situation.
3 Fear of relationships. Even if a man has somehow overcome the fear of meeting people and has already decided to approach, the thought comes to mind: “Here I’ll come up, say the prepared phrase, take the phone number. But then you will need to call, invite her on a date, talk to her, try to get closer, and so on. But I don’t know any of this and I can’t…”

As a result, the guy is afraid to approach the girl, and if he does approach, he freezes and stands dumbly, making incomprehensible sounds. At this moment, various fears are spinning in his head, he is shaking, his lips are trembling, he turns red and simply panics. There is no normal communication.

It’s good if you come across a girl who understands and doesn’t immediately send such a guy far away and for a long time. But more often than not, girls also have their own fears! And it is the guy’s confident behavior when communicating that should relieve the girl’s fears. But if the guy himself is afraid, then his fears run into the girl’s fears and no communication comes out at all. And the loop of negative experience keeps growing. A big problem arises. And the guy is trying to solve this problem by attending various trainings on pickup trucks...

But the pickup doesn't help

If you have a fear of meeting people or being approached, then under no circumstances go to a pickup truck! Never! The techniques that pick-up artists use are still very raw and undeveloped. If you're interested in learning more, check out "Why Isn't My Pickup Working? "A pickup truck cannot remove the fear of a woman as such! But it can definitely make the problem worse.

The whole problem is that the guy who attends such trainings seriously thinks that he will be given a 100% working methodology, using which he will simply erase the old behavior model and replace it with a new one. In principle, everything sounds logical. But you need to understand one very tricky thing: the human psyche works holistically. She remembers a complete tackle. That is, the more you approach girls, overcoming fear, the more firmly the “approach = overcoming fear” model becomes established. That is, what is happening is not one model being overwritten by another, but an even greater twisting. And the more you approach through force, the more your old model of overcoming will become stronger in your psyche.

This happens because during the approach itself there is no psychological work to reduce the fear itself! The psyche uses the pattern: I’m afraid - I overcome fear - I come up to meet people. And this pattern becomes stronger and stronger each time.

Pick-up courses do not remove a girl’s fear itself! At best, negativity is simply temporarily suppressed. But after a while everything falls into place again.