Jealousy is one of the most powerful feelings that can destroy trust, tenderness, mutual understanding, the ability to think adequately and listen to a partner. Scientists have proven that it affects a person’s mental and physical health, causing increased anxiety, stomach pain, headaches, and digestive problems. Individuals prone to jealousy lose control of themselves at the moment of the next attack and may commit a crime.
Where does this destructive feeling come from? How to deal with it?
Sources of emotion
It is important to understand that most often the roots of this feeling are hidden deep in the subconscious of the jealous person and are not realized by him. In this case, the culprit is often not the husband or boyfriend, but the earlier events experienced.
A common cause of jealousy is low self-esteem and negativism towards oneself. Such a person needs daily proof that he is still loved. And a slight distance from the other half, the husband, is perceived as confirmation of one’s own uselessness, accompanied by a painful feeling of loneliness and worthlessness.
People who tend to be jealous are fixated on relationships, perceiving their lover as part of themselves. However, full-fledged relationships cannot be built on restricting the partner’s freedom. For a couple to exist harmoniously, everyone needs to have their own hobbies and desires.
In addition, the reason may be the susceptibility of the jealous person to betrayal. Jealous outbursts often occur in someone who has committed a given offense or intends to “go to the left.”
Negative experiences can also cause mistrust and anxiety. Negative attitudes, drawn from the past, determine the desire for manic control and complete mastery of the attention of the object of love.
The source of suspicion sometimes lies in stereotypical thinking, for example, that “all men cheat” or “women always go to the rich.”
It is important to develop the ability to control your emotions, because jealousy over time can lead to violence or breakup of relationships.
How to cope with yourself and stop being jealous?
Accept the fact of your jealousy without suppressing it. Mentally try to reproduce the situation that causes this feeling. By experiencing jealousy again, you can reduce the level of tension so that you can more easily cope with yourself in the future.
You can't be 100% sure that a relationship will last forever. Trying to find guarantees of eternal love, we unknowingly destroy relationships. Only by being in the present moment, feeling all its delights, is it possible to be happy. 
A husband or beloved boyfriend may see the situation completely differently. It is worth listening to him carefully, even if you have a strong desire to object.
If necessary, seek help from a specialist. If the jealous person becomes aggressive, try to leave the premises or call emergency services.
Many of us have felt jealousy more than once. First of all, this applies to married couples. Often a wife or husband does not allow their significant other to pass through: they check personal correspondence, a mobile phone, or want to find something in their pockets.
This behavior only causes a negative reaction, disagreements and quarrels begin in the family, and ultimately this situation can lead to the collapse of the family nest - to divorce. Jealousy can occur in friendships, between siblings, or between mother and child.
This feeling negatively affects morale, worsens well-being, and prevents you from living fully and enjoying life. You need to fight jealousy so that it does not destroy all your internal energy.
If you have asked yourself the questions “How to get rid of jealousy?” and “How to stop being jealous?”, then you should read this article. She will help you understand the cause of jealousy and tell you about methods to combat it.
Reasons for jealousy
Before overcoming jealousy, you need to carefully understand your inner world and thoroughly study all its aspects.
Jealousy arises for various reasons. This aspect is individual for each individual. Scientists in the field of psychology conventionally divide jealousy into two types:
- justified
- unreasonable
Justified jealousy– this is jealousy, which has the necessary evidence. Of course, if you have personally witnessed the sweet communication of your soul mate with someone, if you have seen with your own eyes a kiss or a hug, then there is no doubt that jealousy is justified.
But before you make a scene, talk to your chosen one in private. You don't need people around you to witness your drama. At that moment it may seem quite appropriate to you, but after a while you will realize that you were wrong and feel awkward.
In a dialogue with your loved one, do not rush to throw around offensive words, just clearly explain your position. Explain that this situation is unpleasant for you and absolutely unacceptable.
The second type of jealousy is unreasonable jealousy. This is a feeling that arises for no reason. Sometimes a person has absolutely no evidence of betrayal, but real images containing this situation appear in his head. He himself begins to believe in the story he invented himself, creates scenes, sorts things out.
Reasons for unreasonable jealousy:
- As you know, all complexes, lack of confidence in oneself, one’s actions, and excessive suspicion arise in childhood and adolescence. This is how unreasonable jealousy arises. In a family with two or more children, it is necessary to be able to share. Sometimes one child gets more attention, then his brothers and sisters experience the first germs of jealousy. They notice when their pet gets more candy or a better toy. Every year internal discontent grows. It does not disappear and remains a heavy burden for life. Such people become victims of their own thoughts. They constantly put themselves in second place, it seems to them that people are better than them, more successful. In this regard, their life turns into an eternal struggle within themselves. They cannot calmly relate to the situation that someone is above them.
- What are many women and men afraid of? That's right, loneliness. Sometimes this fear forces you to spend your life even with an unloved person. Just not to be alone. In such relationships, jealousy is a frequent guest. After all, fear forces you to invent non-existent evidence. A person begins to quarrel every time his other half is late at work, every time he makes a phone call. Such people suffer from great self-doubt. They value their own self very low, so everyone else appears to them as rivals who only want trouble.
- Banal selfishness also leads to unreasonable jealousy. Some people require all the free time of their chosen one. Every minute devoted to someone else leads to terrible scandals. But we should not forget that all people need society, without it we will cease to be people.
- And sometimes scandals arise against the backdrop of jealousy simply so that a loved one remembers once again that he is obliged to remain faithful. Such circumstances indicate bad manners and disrespect for a loved one. Such prevention will eventually lead to divorce and separation, and will in no way contribute to the preservation of the family hearth.
It is the second type of jealousy that will be described in more detail below. We will reveal all the secrets on how to stop being jealous without compromising your own mental health.
Types of jealousy
There are several types of jealous people. Some people immediately throw out negativity, while others accumulate their discontent inside.
- The jealousy that arises becomes only an internal problem. The person suffering from this feeling tries to independently cope with it and get rid of it.
- Outwardly, the person is absolutely calm, but in his soul incredible emotions are boiling. Jealousy becomes an internal enemy.
- The next type of people experiences jealousy, but unlike the previous one, they speak out about it.
- And finally, the last type. This is the most terrible jealousy. A person’s self-control is completely turned off; he sees nothing and no one around him. This behavior can be compared to the behavior of maniacs or mental patients.
It may seem that jealousy, which is not an external problem and has no manifestations, is absolutely not scary. But this opinion is far from the truth. What accumulates inside us over the years can become the cause of many diseases, both psychological and physiological.
Therefore, you should understand your experiences and not let them take their course. In the end, all the emotions will come out anyway, and such a strong flow of negativity can cause dire consequences.
Why are we jealous?
Male and female jealousy are slightly different. This is probably due to different temperaments, habits and demands on oneself and others.
Male jealousy
Men are owners. They need one hundred percent confidence in their abilities. This also applies to relationships. If a woman is next to a man, then nothing and no one should take first place for her except him. This applies to friends, work, and parents.
Strong representatives of humanity are accustomed to keeping everything under control, and when even a small detail does not coincide with their train of thought, emotions come into play.
Sometimes a man is hurt not by the betrayal itself, but by the moment that his sense of ownership suffers. As you know, the stronger sex has a high level of pride.
By the way, many cheaters are more jealous of their wives than faithful spouses. They reason like this: if I cheat, then she can cheat too.
Insecure men are especially strong jealous people. They see dirty tricks, meanness and negative consequences everywhere. Every time a stranger looks at his wife, they throw strong hysterics and accuse their spouse of being too available.
Female jealousy
Beautiful female representatives are also jealous of their husbands with or without reason. Many control their faithful with constant phone calls, surveillance, searching pockets, throwing tantrums, turning on ““, reading personal correspondence.
In this case, self-doubt and a sense of ownership are also to blame. In addition, everyone knows the stereotype about male infidelity: all men are polygamous.
Any woman dreams in her declining years to be close to her beloved man, to have children, grandchildren, and a cozy home. And when an unpleasant picture of lonely old age appears before your eyes, fear appears. This is another reason for female jealousy.
How to stop being jealous of your other half?
First of all, you need to figure out whether your jealousy is justified or not. Try to find out on your own the reasons that lead you to excessive jealousy. Why are you demanding of your chosen one? Why don't you trust him?
What causes your jealousy most of all - the indifference of your loved one, his excessive cheerfulness, passion for work? By digging deeper and deeper into yourself, you will find out where the root of the problem lies. This is the only way to fight it and defeat it.
Let's try to analyze the behavior of a jealous person using a simple situation as an example.
For example, you are jealous of your loved one’s girlfriend or boyfriend. Find out what exactly contributes to the manifestation of feelings of jealousy. Perhaps you really suspect that communication goes beyond the boundaries of friendship, and your chosen one feels something more for this person. In this case, jealousy is justified.
You must talk honestly and openly with your partner and find out everything at once. Explain that you do not intend to turn a blind eye to what is happening, you are not satisfied with this attitude.
In a different situation, when communication is truly friendly, and your jealousy does not subside, it is a matter of selfishness. You only think about yourself. Here it is necessary to combat this problem.
Your lover or lover has the right to choose friends and communicate with them. You can't lock anyone in a cage - remember that. Sooner or later it will open and then it will be impossible to keep your loved one.
How to stop being jealous of your husband
Female jealousy is a dangerous thing
Fate cannot be changed. Everything that is destined from above will be fulfilled, whether we want it or not. Therefore, scandals cannot change your spouse’s attitude towards you. Be a caring, cheerful wife. Be passionate about something. Delight your husband with new culinary innovations. Don't be shy with each other, pay more attention to intimate issues.
How to stop being jealous of your wife
You are the support. It is you who are the unbreakable wall of your strong union. A woman who feels supported will be very grateful. The question of betrayal will not even arise in her thoughts.
A woman can only cheat if her man does not pay enough attention to her, if she wants to find a stronger-than-spirited representative of the stronger sex. So show her that you are confident in yourself. Help her cope with difficulties, listen to her when she seeks advice from you. Stay close and you won’t have to be jealous.
And one more point. There is no need to remember the past. What has passed will not return. Let go of your ex-partners and forget about your significant other's ex-partners. A quiet family conversation will help resolve feelings related to this topic.
How to get rid of feelings of jealousy?
At all times, the best assistant in resolving conflicts has been conversation. When feelings of jealousy arise, take time to talk with your husband or wife. Take the time to calm down in advance and think through what you will say.
Your speech should be meaningful and clear. Vague phrases can ultimately lead to misunderstandings and quarrels. A properly conducted conversation will resolve all misunderstandings if the feelings between you are truly sincere.
If the cause of jealousy is lack of self-confidence, then work to resolve this problem yourself. Reassure yourself that you are beautiful, smart, and admired. Auto-training helps a lot to get rid of jealousy. Compliment yourself in the mirror, and as often as possible.
Over time, the sound signals will be transformed into nerve currents and sent to the brain. The subconscious and consciousness will begin to work on your side, you will believe in your words. Self-esteem will increase, and you will forget about unreasonable jealousy towards your partner and gradually stop being jealous.
Many couples have been broken up due to rumors and rumors from ill-wishers. Ex-wives or husbands deliberately turn their lovers against each other and set up unpleasant situations. Conflicts, quarrels, and subsequently divorce arise. Therefore, before believing every word, check the information received. You should not attack your loved one without proof of his guilt.
It happens that a woman, and sometimes a man, is afraid of losing a partner because of financial support. Money will never hold a family together. Better find a good job, don't be lazy.
Daily scandals and scenes of jealousy are not the key to a strong relationship. Your lover or lover should feel your love. And if, when you come home from work, you listen to lectures every evening, then even a great and sincere feeling can pass without a trace.
Every person in love has experienced a feeling of jealousy at least once in their life. This is due to an excessive fear of losing your soulmate. Loneliness is what everyone is afraid of.
Because of the fear of being left without the support of a loved one, some people exhaust themselves with thoughts of constant betrayal, meanness, imagine these scenes very realistically and actually believe in them, although there is no evidence of this.
Persistent jealousy can cause serious psychological problems and mental disorders. Many films have been made on this topic. There have been cases of incredible cruelty of jealous people towards their partner.
This feeling arises for several reasons.
It can be low self-esteem, selfishness, or excessive demands. The psychologist's advice described below will help you get to the root of the problem and effectively get rid of the destructive feeling deep inside.
Experts clearly explain how to stop being jealous and learn to enjoy communicating with your loved one.
So, let's move on to the tips:
- Most conflicts are resolved through dialogue. A simple conversation with your partner will be a decisive factor in getting rid of jealous feelings. How to stop being jealous? Sometimes it’s scary to make a confession, but by overcoming yourself, you can forever improve relationships and get a wonderful, strong family.
- Try to remember when you first felt jealousy. Perhaps it was related to some event. Rumors and word of mouth from ill-wishers can do a lot. It happens that strong alliances collapse from someone’s unkind word. Think about whether you have had a conversation with someone about your relationship.
- Never test your significant other. Never before have detective investigations or cell phone monitoring become the saviors of relationships. If your partner is unfaithful to you, he will never change. He will return to the old path in every way. There is a type of people who cannot be content with one person. They need to feel needed. In that case, don't waste your precious years on an unworthy person. Better take care of yourself, find an interesting activity, watch your figure and nutrition. - This is the main aspect of success in a love relationship.
- Try to read yourself from the inside. Your emotions may be caused by past experiences. The past shouldn't stop you from building your future. Say goodbye to him. Open up to yourself and figure out what is the source of negativity.
- Compliment yourself more often. You are your partner’s choice, which means he really cares about you. Be sure that your appearance is attractive, your mind is clear, and your figure is admired by the opposite sex.
- Take your mind off feelings of jealousy. There are enough interesting and worthy things in the world. Don't waste your life on unnecessary worries.
- As already mentioned, conversation will help to cope with the problem. If both of you are embarrassed to express your feelings out loud, put your requirements on paper. When you're done, give your partner the list. This procedure contributes to the emergence of more trusting relationships. This is advice from psychologists of world significance.
- Examine your jealousy from the inside. Break the problem down into parts. This will make it easier to solve the problem that has arisen. First of all, you need to answer the question about the validity of your fears. Does your lover really give you reasons for jealousy? Perhaps he doesn’t come home from work on time, often goes on business trips, and takes his phone with him into the shower. Or, perhaps, there is nothing on this list, and your emotions are the fruit of a well-functioning fantasy.
- Imagine your jealousy as a cloud of dark smoke. Breathe it out of your lungs. This parallel will expel negativity from the body and will allow you not to get worked up for no reason. Practice this action in those moments when it is especially difficult to overcome the growing feeling.
- You are a creation of the Higher Powers, you are the only copy. In this regard, never try to imitate anyone, especially famous people. Be yourself. This attitude towards your person will become an impetus for the growth of self-esteem; you will stop asking the questions “How to stop being jealous?” and “How to get rid of feelings of jealousy?” You realize that you have the right to a happy and joyful life.
Friends, remember that these tips from psychologists are only recommendations. Each of you can decide for yourself how to build your relationship in order to be happy in it. But believe me, life will become brighter when you begin to enjoy its positive moments more.
Happy and trusting relationship to you!
Alena Golovina
Interesting
There is no feeling more difficult and destructive than jealousy. It is she who becomes the cause of most divorces, quarrels and even tragedies that occur in the family. Unfortunately, no matter how much we persuade ourselves not to be jealous, there is usually no point in this. But what to do, how to overcome jealousy? Before answering this question, it is worth getting to know the enemy by sight.
What is jealousy?
Family psychologists define jealousy in different ways, but most of them believe that it is the need to possess the object of love. T.M. Zaslavskaya and V.A. Grishin argue that at each stage of development of a love relationship, jealousy has its own characteristics. If at the very beginning of falling in love it is associated with the desire for reciprocity, then later it manifests itself as a desire to keep a partner. At the same time, this feeling is completely useless, since it does not allow for the improvement of family relationships, but, on the contrary, destroys them.
So, according to research from the New York center for family psychology “Psy Family Therapy”, the main ones are somehow related to jealousy. To answer the question of how to overcome jealousy and find peace of mind, let’s take a closer look at why it arises.
Jealousy as a consequence of psychological trauma.
If a person has had to experience the betrayal of a loved one, he may develop a “jealous attitude” or a readiness to be deceived. A man in such a state constantly looks for his beloved in his behavior, because he believes that if he manages to recognize them, he will not feel humiliated and will be able to avoid pain.
Women worry if, and torment themselves and their partners with endless suspicions. This attitude may be the result of trauma, or improper upbringing, when a boy or girl was taught that the opposite sex cannot be trusted. By the way, jealousy, in most cases, has no basis. It arises solely for internal reasons.
Jealousy is like an addiction.
People who are insecure and anxious are more prone to jealousy. As a rule, they become emotionally dependent on their partner and suffer from uncertainty about the future of the union.
Jealousy as a manifestation of power.
A very special feeling of jealousy is experienced by overly powerful people who treat their chosen one as personal property and cannot even admit the thought that he has the right to a separate life. Such people, as a rule, do not respect and literally “strangle” their partner with their attention.
Jealousy is a projection of one's own feelings.
Psychoanalysts, including K.G. Jung, viewed jealousy as the transference of one’s own desire to cheat on one’s lover.
How to overcome jealousy?
So, taking into account the main causes of jealousy, we can give some simple recommendations to those who want to get rid of this difficult feeling.
- Accept the fact of jealousy. You shouldn’t endlessly convince yourself and your partner that you are not jealous at all. This is the first step to making your relationship healthier.
- Think about the fact that looking for signs of jealousy of your loved one (or loved one) only makes sense if you are going to break up. If you want to live happily ever after, then why do you need new reasons for suffering?
- Jealousy is often a sign of distrust in a partner. Think about how to restore, talk sincerely with each other and try to understand why you are tormented by suspicions.
- If feelings of jealousy overwhelm you, don’t keep your emotions to yourself, write them down on paper. Once taken outside, the feelings will no longer seem so scary to you, and perhaps you will understand that they are simply ridiculous.
- If you suffer from self-doubt and believe that your partner will definitely find someone better, work on your self-esteem. First, write down how you think other girls (or guys) are better than you. And then write down your attractive features. Try to emphasize them in yourself. Everyone has shortcomings, you cannot become an ideal, but skillfully emphasizing your own positive qualities will increase your self-confidence.
- Sometimes the fear of loss leads you to do everything to push the person away from you. By cutting off your soulmate's air, trying to fill all areas of his (her) life with you, you will only achieve that he or she wants to be free of you.
- Remember that jealousy will not help you keep your loved one close to you. You will only be together if you want it. In conclusion, we can say that no matter how strong the negative emotions are, if you gather your strength, you can overcome jealousy, and then true love will become possible.
Today I'll tell you how to get rid of jealousy in relation to your husband, wife, parents, children or friends. Why are people jealous of their husbands and their girlfriends? Their wives to strangers? Your parents to other children? Where does jealousy come from?
Reasons for jealousy:
- First, jealousy comes from fear. Fear of losing what you love.
- Secondly, it grows out of lack of confidence in oneself, in one’s own (other, child, anyone). Uncertainty that your partner loves you and will not choose you over another person who will be better than you.
- Thirdly, jealousy is a consequence of a possessive attitude towards your partner. The desire to have a monopoly on his personal life, to interfere in all his affairs.
- Fourthly, this quality can grow from any other complexes and fears.
What did we not see in the list of reasons causing jealousy? Love! Jealousy does not stem from love, its basis is fear. Constant outbursts of jealousy only interfere with love and turn relationships into a series of suffering and mistrust.
How to overcome jealousy? How to eliminate the causes of this feeling?
1. Get rid of everything that doesn't serve your love.
During attacks of jealousy, many people play spy games. They constantly check outgoing calls on their spouse’s phone, try to catch the smell of perfume from his jacket, call him every hour to make sure that he has met with his friends and is not visiting his mistress, forbid him to communicate with representatives of the opposite sex, etc. .d. In short, they keep their partner on a short leash. At the same time, they don’t even think about where this feeling leads them.
Subconsciously, people may feel that they are solving some problem that serves the interests of a healthy relationship. After all, spouses should love each other and should not cheat with other women and men, they think. And therefore, they need to constantly be confident in the fidelity of their partner and do everything to fuel this confidence, even if this causes a wave of mistrust, negative emotions and quarrels over empty reasons. Thus, jealousy gets the green light.
People are accustomed to the fact that love and jealousy go hand in hand, and many of them have learned to come to terms with the fact that jealousy has become a full participant in their relationships.
But in fact, paranoia, which appears on the basis of jealousy, does not at all serve the goals of love and harmonious life together, but only poisons love. Jealousy, as well as actions caused by jealousy, do not solve problems, but create them.
Think about what your endless outbursts of jealousy will lead to? You are so afraid of lies, but you yourself shroud your relationships in an atmosphere of mistrust. You are so scared of losing your partner, but at the same time, you are trying to control his every move, blaming him, creating prohibitions, swearing, screaming, suspecting...
Does this create the basis for close, trusting, healthy and long-lasting relationships? The irony of jealousy (and indeed many other feelings based on fear) is that, because of your fear, you only bring closer what you are so afraid of! Mistrust and paranoia ultimately make the relationship more fragile and distance you from your partner.
The next time you feel jealous and want to yell at your husband or check his phone, ask yourself how these actions can help your relationship? How will this help your love? How can this prevent the occurrence of those things (loss of a partner, breakup of a relationship) that you are so afraid of?
If your answer to all three questions is “No way” or “It will only get in the way,” then give your jealousy the color red.
This alone will certainly not help you completely get rid of this feeling. But the first step on the path to getting rid of negative emotions is to realize that you don’t need these emotions, that they only bother you.
Rid your relationship of what does not serve the interests of love!
2. Eliminate your fears
Naturally, we don’t want to think about what we are afraid of. For example: “What if I lose my job? I don’t even want to think about it!” As strange as it may sound, our fears have power over us precisely because we do not want to think about what will happen when the fear comes true.
Of course, you will not agree with me and object: “No matter how it is! I constantly think about what I'm afraid of. I imagine how bad it will be for me when my loved one leaves me, and what terrible feelings I will experience.”
But you don't think about what happens next. You only think about negative emotions when your fear occurs. Try to mentally move beyond this limit, even if you yourself do not want to think about the future.
Think: “What will happen a year after we break up? What will happen in five years? The first few months must be tough for me. But then I’ll start to come to my senses a little. After some time, I will have a new relationship, maybe it will be even better than this one.”
(This is by no means the best scenario! Perhaps your relationship will survive even after betrayal! I will talk about this in the last paragraph of this article.)
Not as scary as you thought at the beginning, right? Be realistic! Try to scroll through these pictures in your mind. Think about how you will get out of this situation, how you will move on with your life, and not about how bad you will feel when your fear comes true!
You shouldn't get too attached to what you have. At the moment, you may feel that your relationship with this person is the most important thing in your life. But this is partly an illusion and deception. It is difficult for people to think in terms of their entire life and they sometimes greatly overestimate the role of what they have now.
This idea may not be entirely intuitive. You ask me: “how is it not worth getting too attached to something? I am attached to what I love: my children, my family, my work, my purpose. This forms the basis of my existence! Are you suggesting that I become indifferent to the things that I love?”
No, I only suggest that you stop experiencing painful attachment, which brings nothing but suffering and fear.
If you love your husband very much, but constantly live in fear that your relationship may end, are you happy? Do you get satisfaction from such relationships? Don't think. The fear of losing this relationship in the future makes you unhappy. But the fact that you have them in the present does not make you happy, because you are constantly afraid and only think about the future!
Strong attachments give rise to fear of loss. And fear of loss prevents you from enjoying the present moment.
Not feeling strong affection does not mean not loving. Not experiencing strong attachment means being more relaxed about the fact that nothing lasts forever, being realistic. Be prepared for anything. And be able to enjoy what you have now.
3. Stop comparing
“What if he finds a more worthy woman than me, more intelligent, more beautiful!”
“There are so many men around her, more beautiful and successful than me, there is no chance that our relationship can survive.”
These disturbing thoughts are familiar to many. You begin to compare yourself to others of the same sex and become fearful of competition. But men and women are not some kind of goods on the love market!
Relations between people are not always similar to commodity-money relations, within which preferences are formed solely on the basis of the properties of the “product”: attractiveness, success, intelligence, etc. Rather, it is more like the attitude of the owner of capital, in fact, to capital. This is also not the most successful analogy, but it is closer.
I want to say that your relationship now is not the same as it was when it first began. Maybe when you first met your partner, you were bound by mutual attraction.
But, as the relationship develops, a certain “capital” is formed, something more than just attraction and passion, enhanced by external attractiveness and success. This capital is accumulated over the years, as both subjects of the relationship understand each other more and more deeply, as they jointly find solutions to their problems and draw conclusions from their mistakes, as they overcome the next difficulty that stands in their way...
And this capital is too valuable. It cannot be so easily exchanged for something else. In short, your partner loves you not only for your qualities, but for everything that you had with him. Or maybe he loves you for something else that you yourself are not aware of. And this is what allows you to be preferred to more successful and attractive people.
“Okay,” you say. “What if our relationship is not like “building up joint moral capital.” They just collapse. It seems to me that nothing connects us both anymore.”
Then move on to the next point.
4. Improve your relationships
Spend more time with your partner. Find out his wishes. Show him care and trust. Try to solve family problems together. Talk about your difficulties. Become more attractive to each other. Add variety. And develop your relationship without stopping there!
I'm not going to give detailed instructions on how to improve relationships here. This will be the topic of a separate article. What I want to say here is that the fidelity of spouses to each other is not a derivative of surveillance, suspicion and mistrust. This is the result of a strong, reliable, satisfying relationship.
If during your surveillance of your husband you do not find any evidence of infidelity, then this will not help eliminate your jealousy; after some time it will flare up again. But when you become more confident in your relationship, when you and your partner surround each other with trust, only then will you have fewer reasons to be jealous.
In order to eliminate the very feeling of jealousy, as well as the reasons for its occurrence (betrayal), you need to strive to develop relationships, and not turn them into a spy novel and a soap opera at the same time!
Recently I was thinking about why total state control is present, as a rule, in underdeveloped countries. It seems to me that this happens for the reason that countries with great economic problems have only one way to instill patriotism and keep their residents within the country. This method is to lie, organize surveillance and create bans, including a ban on leaving the country. The love and devotion of the inhabitants of this country to the state is based on fear and deception.
But states with good economies and social conditions do not need to resort to dictatorship. A person will not flee this country if given the opportunity. Because he loves his state because it provides its residents with good living conditions and takes care of them. Nobody forces him to “love”. Therefore, this feeling arises sincerely.
You can easily apply this analogy to your relationships. It is necessary to create an atmosphere of love and trust in your family, to acquire joint “love capital” and thereby reduce the risk of “emigration of your spouse” to another family. This is better than achieving this through bans and surveillance.
5. Curb your imagination
Your husband is late at work. And now pictures come to your mind in which he is having fun with other women. But don’t rush to let your imagination run wild. If you continue to imagine this, it will be difficult for you to disentangle yourself from these thoughts and listen to reasonable arguments when they come to your mind.
These fantasies deprive you of the ability to soberly assess the situation. Therefore, if you have noticed attacks of paranoia due to your partner’s betrayal, then take it as a rule: “ the first thought is the wrong thought, until she proves otherwise."
This, one might say, presumption of guilt impulsive thoughts. This principle really helps me cope with many emotions and see the situation as it is, and not as my momentary feelings try to present it.
Therefore, throw all these fantasies out of your head for a while. You will pay attention to them later. To start, . All the same, as long as you are overwhelmed with worry and anxiety, nothing worthwhile will come to your mind.
So turn your attention to something else. Don't let him get caught up in these fantasies. Start thinking about the problem only when you realize that you have calmed down and your anxiety does not attract all your thoughts to their “negative pole”. Then you will be able to assess the situation soberly. Maybe you will realize that your fears were in vain. But perhaps they will be confirmed. But before you think about it, you should calmly analyze the situation in reality, and not get carried away by your fantasies.
6. Stop living only your partner's life.
Often the reason for jealousy is the obsession of one of the partners with the life of the other. It happens that this happens because one of the partners does not have his own personal interests and his own personal life. And he has no choice but to live the life of another.
This applies not only to jealousy, but also to excessive control on the part of parents (usually mothers) over children. Understand that your control, your anxiety, your endless interference in someone's life will not make either you or the person in whose life you are interfering happier!
To avoid this, add some variety to your life. and your passion. This should never be a reason for you to ignore your partner or child because of your new hobbies. Not at all! Let this be a reason for you to realize that there is more to life than your husband or your children.
At the same time, allow your partner (or son, daughter) to live some other life besides family life. Leave him room to communicate with friends, colleagues and even people of the opposite sex! Show your partner that you trust him, give him some freedom, don't try to explore every inch of his life and don't squeeze it in a vise of control.
It will also help you feel less attached to your relationship because you will have something else to do! Therefore, you will be less afraid of loss and suffer less!
7. Do the opposite
Do the opposite of what jealousy pushes you to do. If you see your wife talking to a man you don't know at a party, instead of leering angrily at this man and then making a scandal with your wife, go up and politely introduce yourself to this man! Maybe you will find out that this is just a work colleague whom your wife met and whom she simply could not pass by for reasons of tact. And you will understand how absurd your jealousy was.
8. Be candid! Don't play games
Stop all these spy games and hidden doubts! If something is bothering you, ask your partner directly! Just don't do it in the form of a scandal! Calmly tell him about all your suspicions and see what he answers.
But before talking about this with your partner, it would not hurt you to evaluate for yourself how justified your suspicions are.
After all, many people play a “hidden game” and act on the sly only because they subconsciously understand that all their doubts are absurd and ridiculous and it would be ridiculous to tell someone else about their paranoia.
Therefore, preparing for such a conversation will help you not only speak up about your concerns and gain a new level of trust (if you understand that the conversation needs to happen), but also check whether your fears are real or just the result of unbridled imagination.
9. Trust your partner
I have already spoken about trust more than once in this article, but I think this issue is quite important, so I raise it as a separate paragraph. Trust is a prerequisite for healthy and strong relationships. Think about it, do you have a reason not to trust your partner?
I'm not saying that no one has such a reason. But it often happens that we begin to suspect our partner, not because he did not justify our trust, but only because we ourselves experience fear and self-doubt. Jealousy, in this case, is not based on anything in reality, but stems only from our personal feelings.
Why not try to trust your partner then? Stop seeing deception in his every word and cast aside your endless suspicions. Of course, suspicions will not always be unfounded. But try to trust your soulmate and not suspect him of something bad for at least a month, no matter how he behaves and no matter what he does.
If your concerns remain with you, then something probably needs to change in your relationship. But it is quite possible that you will understand how ridiculous your fears were and will see how faith in your partner transforms your relationship and makes you happier. And you will want to stay with this trust forever...
10. Be willing to forgive
I don't want people to take some of my advice as a way to come to terms with obvious problems in the family and get rid of jealousy for which there is a reason. Maybe things really aren’t going so smoothly for you and your partner is systematically cheating on you. And this is told to you not by your paranoia and fear, but by established facts. (It's hard to deny this when your husband is constantly disappearing somewhere, coming in late at night and smelling of perfume.)
In this case, it is better not to deny obvious things, not to suppress attacks of jealousy, and try to do something about your relationship. I've always been a proponent of trying to fix what happened, forgive the person, and start over before taking drastic action. This is what I advise you too.
Cheating is not always an indicator of your spouse's lack of love for you. Sometimes people cheat, simply because they are not restrained in sex, but continue to love you. Sometimes they do this because their ego craves new victories on the love front, but at the same time they continue to love you. Sometimes this happens because a person succumbs to passion, but continues to love you. Sometimes this is a consequence of a person’s momentary weakness, his mistake, for which he can be forgiven.
Betrayal is not as terrible as your imagination and your feelings make it seem to you. But if this happens, be prepared to experience it together and move on. This is not the end of life.
If you know that you are able to forgive a person. That they are able to start trusting him again, after all his actions. That cheating will not be the end of your relationship. That you can change and improve your life together together, preventing such cases from reoccurring in the future. Then you won't be so afraid of it. Then you will have much less reason to be jealous!
But this requires the trust of both spouses. And their desire to develop relationships!
Psychologists have long noticed and were able to confirm with numerous observations on which psychology is based: jealousy is directly related to self-esteem. That is, a very jealous person most likely suffers from self-doubt and reacts painfully to literally everything. And since every person’s self-esteem is subject to change, no one is immune from destructive feelings.
Why do some people cheat and others don't?
In recent years, psychologists have begun to talk about other interesting facts that explain not only the nature of jealousy, but also the mechanism of its action on a person, his family and fate in general. Scientists have found the reason in genes: not everyone is capable of cheating. Without being faithful, men begin to doubt the fidelity of their woman (this mechanism in psychology is called projection). And a woman intuitively understands what her chosen one is like. And he is jealous if he senses in him the ability to cheat frequently.
Dubious fact: the psychology of jealousy is not so simple! The behavior of a jealous person can be explained by the characteristics of upbringing and the nature of relationships in the family.
Does it destroy or refresh relationships?
What researchers do agree on is the mechanism. Only jealousy can destroy a relationship that much. The psychology of this phenomenon is as follows. By showing distrust of a loved one, we sow in his mind the idea of possible betrayal: “if he’s jealous, that means I’m capable of cheating, why not?..” Not to mention how offensive such accusations are.
Although, at the level of a joke and within reasonable limits, jealousy can refresh a relationship and bring former excitement into it. Behavioral manifestations (screams, scandals, accusations, expressions of distrust) are not proof of love, but they speak of clear concern. However, don't joke with the real Othello.
How does a destructive feeling arise?
Complex emotions combine to create jealousy. Psychology “names” among them the following: anger, bewilderment, fear of losing a loved one and selfishness. Emotions do not always manifest themselves in such a combination. Some of them may dominate. And the problem in each specific couple can be solved only by understanding how this complex of emotions and reactions is manifested and experienced. What exactly causes these reactions in a person, what is the lever.
For example, the fear of being alone can take over the mind if a person is truly dependent on love relationships, if in them he sees the meaning of life. In this case, any psychologist will advise you to live your own life, expand your interests, without getting hung up on your loved one. For a harmonious relationship, it is fundamentally important not to lose yourself.
If the reason lies in low self-esteem, you have the power to make it dependent on other factors that are more suitable: success at work, respect from colleagues, creative achievements, and so on.
Jealousy manifests itself in different ways. Psychology can tell you the way, but you have to walk the path yourself. Learn to discuss what is happening and together you will find a way out.
The most common lever
In any relationship, sooner or later there comes a time when we take our other half for granted. This is often accompanied by a sense of ownership: “don’t touch it - it’s mine!” The main mistake of lovers is to allow this feeling to take over themselves. We begin to forbid our loved one many things. First, some little thing, then in a rude form we tell him directly what and how to do. It is no wonder why we receive a reaction of rebellion to our behavior, expressed not only in physical betrayal, but also in psychological: a loved one leaves us, runs away from negative and suffocating relationships.
Don't think that this will never happen to you, it's better to insure yourself. It will not be possible to completely remove jealousy from a relationship. The psychology of this phenomenon will tell you how to react correctly. There is no universal advice, but the main principle is this: give love, learn to trust and forgive. Protect your relationships, but not with control, dominance and jealousy!