The trauma of loss and bereavement is much more widespread than it may seem at first glance. For most of us, loss is associated with death. But in life, not everything is so simple. We encounter losses much more often than we might think.
And if you think about it, what is loss (loss)?
Ozhegov’s explanatory dictionary gives the following interpretation:
“Loss is something that is lost, loss, deprivation of something.”
“Loss – loss, damage, harm (mainly about someone’s death; high).”
Following these interpretations, in this article I will use the concept of “loss (loss)” depending on the context.
read also:
Tim, who has lost What and why does it concern us when we lose our loved ones? Why is it so painful, why is it so important for us to die, and why is our suffering so total that you don’t know where to go from there?
Meeting Death Lately I have been thinking a lot about death. For some reason, life confronted me with it very early. The first time this happened was when I was only 5 years old.
So, about losses. The range of losses can be quite wide - from the banal loss of a wallet to the death of a loved one.
For yourself, you can determine the list of losses by selecting from the proposed list what you experienced:
The cat died The apartment was robbed The wallet was stolen Car accident
Hamster died Lost job Loss of health Children left home
Grandma died Friendship ended Partner died
Failed an exam Brother died My sister died Lost my home
Miscarriage The dog died The parents divorced
A friend died Had a nervous breakdown Transferred from my favorite school
Family marriage collapsed Mom died Dad died
Fracture of an arm or legMoving from a place where you spent your childhood
Loss of faith Loss of financial stability
Moving to another country Loss of youth
These are all losses. And to this list you can add what you personally experienced.
Any more or less significant loss for a person must be experienced. Experience is a sequential passage of stages, which I will describe below. If we do not “experience” the loss sequentially, stage by stage, then it remains unexperienced and continues to live in us, manifesting itself in certain situations in some special way. The time it takes to “experience” a loss depends on its significance and can vary from several days to several years. But the stages always remain the same - shock - anger - compromise - depression - adaptation.
A loss is significant for us if we experience strong emotions at the same time. In the case of the loss of a loved one, it is grief. And it is precisely this emotional state that I will talk about.
How to cope with the loss of a loved one? How to cope with grief? How to survive it correctly in order to return to a full life.
The experience of loss must go through several stages (stages). Why do I write MUST pass? The stages described below are the “normal” experience of loss. The way it should be experienced to maintain mental and physical health. A disruption in the course of the experience of loss is accompanied by “stuckness” at some stage. In this case, a person’s mental activity is disrupted, which, of course, affects his entire subsequent life.
So, about the stages.
First stage – Shock and denial. When a person learns of a loss. This state is accompanied by numbness, numbness, protest, a feeling of the unreality of what is happening - “This cannot be!” It is associated with sadness and despondency. This state has a very low energetic vibration. It is “normal” for a person to be in this state for no more than two weeks after the death of a loved one. If a person gets stuck at this stage, then he chooses a life filled with constant regrets and depression.
How to help a person cope with a state of acute grief?
During this period, it is very important to be close to the person so that he does not feel emptiness and loneliness so acutely. Just be there. In most cases this is enough. Words of comfort may not always be appropriate because they can devalue the significance of a person's loss.
"All the will of God"
"I know your feelings"
“Thank God you still have children”
"He lived a good life"
"I'm really sorry"
"You must be strong for your children"
"Time cures"
If you don't know what to say, don't say anything. But it would be appropriate to offer some kind of help (offer water, sit down somewhere, etc.). If a person wants to speak out, then this should be encouraged. When a person feels the need to speak out, this indicates that he is emerging from a state of apathy. As soon as a person starts crying or screaming, we understand that the person is getting better. As soon as tears appear, he begins to eat again.
Second stage - Anger. As a rule, anger arises against a background of fear. The person “comes to his senses” and faces reality. Feelings of anger may be accompanied by accusations against oneself, other people or circumstances. A person suffers from the fact that everything could have turned out differently “if not for...”. In any case, fear and anger are more energetic emotional states than acute grief and apathy. A person's vital energy increases. Fear of danger motivates a person to activity. This condition can normally last for a month after the loss.
Next, third, stage of experiencing loss – Compromise. The person gradually begins to accept the fact of what happened. During this period, he often mentally returns to the past, to where a loved one was still nearby. At times it seems to him that death never happened, and that his loved one is about to appear nearby. This is the stage when a person rushes between the awareness of the death of a loved one and the unwillingness to believe it. Completing this stage is a compromise between “I refuse to believe it” and accepting the death of a loved one as a reality of life.
Stage four – Depression. The name of this stage is arbitrary. This does not mean that a person necessarily becomes depressed. This stage is characterized by the person finally accepting the fact of loss. He accepted it. The inevitability of what happened plunges a person into a state of sadness. This is a necessary step! A person must “grieve”, “get over” the loss. This state should lead to calm and complete acceptance of what happened. The “normal” duration of this stage is 8-9 months from the moment of loss of a loved one.
The final stage of experiencing loss is Adaptation. The person returns to his usual way of life. Memories of a loved one become less and less painful. A person comes to the final acceptance of loss and understands that life does not end, one can and should live fully even without a loved one. Full adaptation occurs approximately within a year or two from the moment of death of a loved one. During the first year of life, many things still remind you of your loved one. Favorite holidays are celebrated without him - the first birthday without him; first New Year without him. These are all the difficult moments in the first year of life without a loved one. When a year passes, then on the second, all these moments have already been experienced and become less painful.
Describing such a difficult topic as the loss of a loved one, I, first of all, wanted to convey that the life of any person is a change of losses and gains. Where we lose, we always find something new. We cannot bring a loved one back to life, but we gain inner strength, new experience, a new understanding of life, a new attitude towards life. And, of course, new love can always appear in our heart, for another person. Life can acquire new content, different content, greater meaning. We become different. And it depends only on us, how much we allow ourselves these changes.
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Kim Morgan is one of the UK's pioneering business and personal trainers and Managing Director of the world's most successful coaching company, Barefoot Coaching. Winner of the British Coach of the Year Award.
1. Acknowledge the pain
Ben came to me after breaking up with his fiancée. A polite young man who had the courage to ask me for help. Ben and his girlfriend have been together since childhood: they went to university together, found a good job, bought a house and set a wedding date. From the outside they seemed like an ideal couple. But one day his girlfriend said that she had met someone else. And then she left her new home. Together with the cat. Ben had to call off the wedding and inform the guests about it. He was left alone in a house full of memories.
“I felt like I had lost everything. She left me, just like everyone else: no one understands how lonely and sad I am. After a couple of months, my friends stopped asking how I was feeling; they hoped I survived it. People don't want to be around me because I'm so miserable and I'd go crazy if anyone else suggested I try online dating."
Throughout the session, Ben was overwhelmed with many emotions: anger, shock, disbelief, pain, sadness and confusion. I simply listened to Ben that day and continued to listen to him in every coaching session for the next four months. I knew that by reliving what happened, it would be easier for Ben to come to terms with what happened and understand that his life would never be the same.
“Loss of health, separation from a loved one, loss of a job or social status are the most difficult things to overcome.”
2. Four months in limbo
I shared my findings with a colleague, and he advised me to wait a little. If we are separated from something that is dear to us, that is part of our identity, we experience grief. This feeling is a natural reaction to such strong changes. Loss of health, separation from a loved one, loss of job or social status are the most difficult things to cope with.
We also have a hard time when dreams and plans for the future collapse. Everyone has a different reaction to loss, and everyone needs a different amount of time to get through it.
“It’s hard to listen to the same thing day after day. Explain to your friends that when you talk about what happened, it will be easier for you to come to terms with the loss.”
3. One year acceptance
Slowly but surely Ben began to accept what had happened. He wondered why he could not come to terms with the breakup for so long and why it was so hard? I wondered what conclusions he would draw if he re-examined all the losses he experienced?
Ben's parents divorced, and he hasn't seen his father since. The mother never spoke to her son about what was happening. Then, without any warning, the boy was sent to boarding school. The teenager had to learn to hide his emotions and “live with it.” Ben understood why his loved one's departure was so painful. The breakup made Ben remember and feel the pain of all the losses he had experienced, starting with childhood grievances that he never expressed.
At the end of the training, Ben was proud that he found the strength to face me, and not hide from the pain, as he had before. I overcame the childhood habit of keeping my feelings to myself, opened up and became more confident that I could create a new future. He admitted that he feels ready for life with all its ups and downs.
Exercises to help you cope with loss
Ask for some time and attention
Most people don't know what to do or say when someone is suffering. You will help your friends if you ask them for some time and attention.
Ask someone you trust if you can talk to him, tell him about the feelings and thoughts that are overwhelming you now?
Tell your loved ones that they don’t need to look for solutions to your problems, or be sad because you are sad. It’s just that you’re going through a period right now, but it will pass.
Admit that you need a listener. Listening is the best thing your loved ones can give you right now.
Explain to your friends that talking about what happened over and over again makes it easier for you to come to terms with the loss.
Tell your loved ones thank you for simply listening.
Write a letter to yourself
When you feel the time is right, write a letter addressed to someone or something you have lost. But don't send it.
You can write about a lost love or job, about an ex-partner, about the house you used to live in, about a pet, about a health problem - about anything you've ever lost.
In the letter write:
1. All the good and happy memories of the time spent together.
2. What did you value most about them?
3. What could you do better, and what could they do better for you.
4. How do you feel now.
5. How your time together and this experience changed your life.
6. Recognize that you cannot turn back time and change the past.
Save the letter and re-read it from time to time, adding thoughts and memories. This exercise will help you accept the past and let it into the future. Remember, you cannot rush the recovery process. And be kind and patient with yourself.
The loss of a loved one is, unfortunately, something that each of us has experienced or will experience. Or perhaps you are experiencing this right now. Coping with loss is one of the most difficult challenges in life. But this is an experience that will affect everyone sooner or later. The loss of a loved one is accompanied by several stages, which are very important to survive without harm. How to cope with grief?
1. Denial.
Feeling of shock as soon as you hear the news of death. Thought: “Is this a joke? If so, stop it now.” In addition, the very idea that you will no longer see someone so dear to you seems unrealistic. You can't believe this is happening to you. Death is usually somewhere out there, far away. In someone else's life. In news and crime reports. But that's it. To be with you. It is not true!
2. Anger.
The news of death was too unexpected for you. So, you realize that you will never be able to do everything you wanted for this person. You are angry. Be angry at the doctors, perhaps at the person who is to blame for your loss, at yourself, at the whole world. You are angry that you were not given at least another minute to say the most important words to your loved one. To thank you for everything.
3. Depression and bargaining.
It is simply impossible not to feel a hole inside after a loss. And for some period, the loss of a loved one becomes an emptiness that consumes you. You can't eat normally. You don't want to go outside because it seems like every person passing by reminds you of the deceased, as if you could call out to them right now and everything would be fine again. And all this time it was just a dream. Too terrible. Red eyes from lack of sleep and periodic tantrums have become an integral part of your appearance. Thoughts that start with “If only I...” are constantly running through your head. You bargain with yourself, with fate, living in the subjunctive mood.
4. Acceptance.
In the end, you realize that this is not a joke or a prank, and that a loved one is really gone. The pain hasn't gone away. So are daily obligations. Therefore, you need to pull yourself together and continue to live. At least try. Remember that this person helped you become who you are today. You have to do the right thing to make him proud of you. So that those that a loved one may have taught you do not pass without a trace.
The loss of a loved one is the collapse of one small world. However, everyone heals sooner or later. But when you're just at the bottom of your grief, it's too hard to believe. There are several ways to get through this:
1) Give free rein to your feelings.
Keeping everything to yourself is never the right decision. If you do not release this pain, then over time it will roll into a huge ball and simply crush you. It will press you straight to the asphalt and it will be too difficult to get up. So if you want to cry, cry. If you want to scream, go to a place where you can scream to your heart's content. It helps.
2) Speak.
3) Things to do.
The loss of a loved one, shock, grief - all this throws you out of your usual rut. But it is very important not to neglect your daily activities. Going to work, cleaning the house, and even just doing something will distract you from sad thoughts. This will make it easier. This way you will begin to get back on track, and time will heal and take away your pain.
The reaction of loss to the death of a loved one can manifest itself as emotional shock with numbness and “petrification” or anxiety, crying, sleep disturbance, appetite, narrowing of consciousness due to traumatic experiences, constant memories of the deceased, mental anguish, etc. With such symptoms, patients often turn to psychiatrists and psychotherapists in connection with the death of loved ones.
The reaction to the loss of a significant object is a specific mental process that develops according to its own laws. This period of life, accompanied by mourning, special attributes and rituals, has a very important task - the adaptation of the subject who has suffered a loss to a “new” life, life without the deceased person.
To date, there are no theories of grief (loss, bereavement) that adequately explain how people cope with losses, why they experience varying degrees and types of distress differently, and how and after what time they adapt to life without significant deceased people.
There are several classifications of grief reactions. Researchers identify from 3 to 12 stages or stages. These classifications assumed that the bereaved person moves from stage to stage. However, some experts criticize this approach. They believe that the main difficulty in using these classifications lies in the absence of clear boundaries between the stages, and periodically occurring relapses of the painful condition, when the patient returns to a stage that has already passed, seemingly successfully lived through.
Another feature of the manifestation of grief, which makes it difficult to use stage classifications and diagnose the current state, is its individual and changeable nature. In addition, in certain cases, some stages are absent or poorly expressed, and then they cannot be tracked and/or taken into consideration. Therefore, some authors prefer to focus not on stages and phases, but on tasks that must be completed by a person experiencing loss during the normal course of grief.
Thus, most modern experts highlight the varied course and variability of grief experiences, which vary significantly in intensity and duration among cultural groups and among different people.
In his practice, it is important for a psychiatrist (psychotherapist) to distinguish the adaptive option of coping with a tragic situation (uncomplicated grief) from the maladaptive option (complicated grief).
Subjective experiences of loss are individually different for each person, and therefore clinical manifestations can be extremely variable. However, a psychiatrist (psychotherapist) needs to form an opinion about whether a person's grief is developing adaptively or not in order to decide on intervention. A clinician who does not represent the range of grief symptoms risks interfering with and possibly disrupting the normal process.
A professional's knowledge of the boundaries of uncomplicated, adaptive grief can help them recognize complicated grief and/or depression that follows the death of a loved one.
Although uncomplicated grief is determined to some extent by time criteria and the depth of experience, they are not decisive. The diagnostic criteria for uncomplicated grief are:
1. Presence of state dynamics. Grief is not a state, but a process. A “frozen”, unchanging state should inspire concern.
2. Periodically distracting attention from the painful reality of death.
3. The emergence of positive feelings during the first 6 months after the death of a loved one.
4. Transition from acute to integrated grief. Shear M.K. and Mulhare E. distinguish two forms of grief. The first is the acute grief that occurs immediately after death. It is manifested by pronounced sadness, crying, unusual dysphoric emotions, preoccupation with thoughts and memories of the deceased person, impaired neurovegetative functions, difficulty concentrating, and a relative lack of interest in other people and activities in everyday life.
During the transition from acute to integrated grief, the intensity of psychopathological disorders decreases and the person who has experienced loss finds a way to return to a full life. The loss is integrated into autobiographical memory; thoughts and memories of the deceased no longer absorb all attention and are no longer incapacitating. Unlike acute grief, integrated grief does not constantly occupy one's thoughts or disrupt other activities. However, there may be periods when acute grief becomes active again. This often happens during significant events, such as holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, but especially on “round” dates associated with the death of a loved one.
5. The ability of the bereaved subject not only to acknowledge the death of a loved one and part with him, but also to search for new and constructive ways to continue the relationship with the deceased. Faced with the dilemma of balancing internal and external realities, mourners gradually learn to once again perceive the loved one in their lives as deceased.
Researchers have found that the presence of the above criteria is a sign of vitality for bereaved people and is associated with good long-term outcomes for them.
Complicated grief sometimes referred to as unresolved or traumatic grief, is a common term for a syndrome of prolonged and intense grief that is associated with significant impairment in work, health, and social functioning.
Complicated grief is a syndrome that occurs in approximately 40% of bereaved people and is associated with an inability to move from acute to integrated grief.
With complicated grief, the symptoms overlap with those of ordinary, uncomplicated grief, and are often not taken into account. They are perceived as “normal” with the mistaken assumption that time, strength of character, and a natural support system will correct the situation and free the griever from mental anguish. Although uncomplicated grief can be extremely painful and disruptive, it is usually tolerable and does not require specific treatment. At the same time, complicated grief and various mental disorders associated with it can be maladaptive and severely disabling, affecting the functioning and quality of life of the patient, leading to severe somatic illnesses or suicide. Such conditions require specific psychotherapeutic and psychiatric intervention.
People with complicated grief are characterized by specific psychological attitudes associated with difficulties in accepting the death of a loved one. They perceive joy for themselves as something unacceptable and shameful, they believe that their life is also over and that the severe pain they endure will never disappear. These people do not want the grief to end because they feel that this is all they have left of their relationship with their loved ones. Some of them idealize the deceased or try to self-identify with him, adopting some of his character traits and even symptoms of the disease.
Subjects with complicated grief sometimes show over-involvement in activities related to the deceased, on the one hand, and excessive avoidance of other activities. Often these people feel alienated from others, including those previously close to them.
© S.V. Umansky, 2012© Published with the kind permission of the author