It sounds simple, but it really works. The brain reacts to a smile (even a not entirely sincere one) with the release of endorphins, which lifts the mood. Plus, a smile is contagious.

To people, your body language and facial expressions are much more important than your words or tone of voice. Your smile is an invitation to immediately relax, it disarms and sets a pleasant atmosphere.

“You shouldn't just smile at everyone, though,” says Tim Sanders, author of The Likeability Factor. - The smile must be real. Either way, you should always smile back."

When you smile back, you are being both friendly and sincere. Often people do not respond with a smile if, for example, they do not know the person who smiled at them well.

When you return the smile, you are saying, “I like you too.” This makes you more attractive to the other person.

Watch your body language. People need to like it.

We have not gone as far from our cave ancestors as we would like to think. Our brains still continue to look for danger in our environment and judge the degree of threat posed by other people by their body language.

To get someone to like you, you don't have to be dangerous. Therefore, along with a smile, you can use other visual cues: raise your eyebrows, tilt your head to the side.

Tilt of the head opens access to the carotid artery. This way you demonstrate trust. It sounds strange, but this once again proves that we are not as far from our wild ancestors as we would like to think.

Our brain is constantly looking for threats in the environment. Stressful situations, such as interviews or meetings with clients, are assessed as potentially dangerous. After this, a defensive reaction is activated, and the body unconsciously takes a defensive position.

By eliminating the physical cues of tension and replacing them with a smile and an open body posture, you will cope with this reaction, feel less tense, and appear more attractive to other people.

Make others feel good. What you like most about people.

If you want people to like you, make them feel better in your presence and see themselves in a favorable light. You need to shift your focus away from yourself and pay more attention to those with whom you communicate.

There are many ways to do this: gratitude, recognition, direct eye contact, compliments, asking for advice. All these ways make other people feel important, correct, wise.

Avoid direct flattery - it is alarming and repulsive. Instead, carefully monitor the person's condition. For example, if he seems happy, ask, “Does it seem like you had a good day?”

If your interlocutor responds, “I just closed the deal,” you can say, “You must have done a good job.” The person will leave you feeling better and will treat you better in the future.

Get involved. People like the methods.

If during a dialogue you make the other person feel like the most important person in the world, then you will automatically become more attractive and pleasant to him.

Turn off and put away your phone, look the person in the eyes, and completely immerse yourself in the conversation. If you come to dine together, do not pay attention to anyone else, with the possible exception of the waiter.

The most interesting and significant person for every person is himself. That's why people love to talk about themselves.

First, ask the person about his favorite projects or activities, something that really excites him. Listen carefully to what he says. These conversations often don't take five minutes, but they will be the best five minutes of your conversation.

Finding common ground is a classic technique that helps build rapport. You can find common activities, work moments, hobbies, but it will take time. The simplest and most effective way is to find common ground in the person of a mutual friend who works in the same field as your interlocutor.

Be visible. I strive to please people.

We prefer to communicate with people we know: colleagues, neighbors, or people we often meet at the gym.

"Familiarity has a simple effect on people, and that means being visible more often," says Theo Tsaousides, a neuropsychologist and author of Brainblocks: Overcoming the 7 Hidden Barriers to Success. Hidden Barriers to Success).

Presence is important, but it must not be allowed to become harassment. For example, you can drink coffee in the morning in the same cafe as the person you want to like, or comment on his posts on social networks. This is a way to show yourself, to communicate that you remember this person.

Give more and help. I like strong people.

Whoever you meet, first of all think about how you can help this person. It doesn't always pay off right away, but when the time comes, it works 100%.

When you help someone, you show that you value that person. This is a whole philosophy that helps to improve relationships with others.

If you accept this attitude in life, you begin to think differently. If you consider the business sphere, then you begin to treat clients differently. You are already thinking not only about how to benefit from them, but also about how to make them more valuable and meaningful.

Hello, dear readers! Communication with people is an integral part of our lives. Even a fleeting acquaintance can bring positive emotions or, conversely, ruin the rest of the day. Today I propose to talk about how people like it, practical techniques and recommendations, what to learn and what to avoid in dialogues.

Nice wrapper

Let's start with the appearance. It’s not for nothing that they say that you meet someone by their clothes. It's true. No one will immediately like you with your intelligence, resourcefulness and courtesy. Many people initially look at appearance.

People around you like to be among pleasant, beautiful things and people. When a nice person stands in front of you, it’s much more pleasant for you to communicate with him. Therefore, take time to look at your appearance.

Get into styling. Understand what colors suit you, what style of clothing best emphasizes your figure. You don't have to go into this. It is enough to be neat, tidy, clean. No stains on clothes, holes. Shoes should always be clean; carry a special sponge with you. It's also a good idea to have wet wipes with you. They can come in handy in the most unexpected situations.

Useful content

But in addition to a pleasant shell, we want to see an interesting and pleasant interlocutor. Everything is banal and simple, but many people forget about it.

Smile. Kindness and friendliness attract people.

Who will you be more pleasant to communicate with, a gloomy and always dissatisfied person or someone who smiles and whose eyes sparkle? I think many will choose the second option.

But here it is important not to go too far. One of my friends was admitted to the hospital and was admitted to a three-bed ward. There was only one neighbor there, an incredible grump who was dissatisfied with everything. After some time, a kind, smiling and chatty person was assigned to them. So, after just a couple of days, both girls were so tired of the chatter that they didn’t know where to go. There should be a borderline of reason in everything.

Sincerity. A very important point in communication. Be sincere, open and honest. You can immediately see the smile, which is stretched only out of politeness. Strong and smart people know this, so they simply use their sincerity in communication.

Do you feel that your friend is hiding something, does not trust you and does not treat you as well as he tries to show? In the article “” you will find many useful tips on how real friends should behave.

What you should definitely learn

In addition to external neatness and friendliness, you can learn things that will certainly help you in communicating with others.

Language of the body. How to understand what a person is thinking if there is no way to ask directly? Look at his posture and track his gestures. Our body can scream very loudly about our thoughts. If you learn to understand facial expressions and gestures, then it will not be difficult for you to understand what a person is thinking about at the moment.

I bring to your attention an article that will become your guide in this direction: “”.

I want to tell you, no one will tell you what you should be. Be yourself, don't lie or pretend. Develop and don't stand still. Be sincerely interested in people and they will reciprocate your interest.

Read Dale Carnegie's book How to stop worrying and start living" In it you will find a lot of interesting things for yourself.

What does a sociable person look like? What prevents you from communicating with people? How do you deal with this?

Good luck to you in all your endeavors!

Some people argue that it is impossible to please everyone! They are partly right. Everyone has the right to their own opinion, perception of the world, and their own style of clothing. And yet, sometimes there comes a time when you just need to have a good opinion of yourself, become the star of the party, gain the authority of potential business partners, or get promoted to the desired position. And then you say: I want people to like me!

What kind of people attract everyone?

Watch the people who are called the “life of the party.” They are all very different, and at the same time somewhat similar. Such people do not give up their principles. They don't lie to please others. They are sincere and spontaneous. It seems like they are doing nothing to attract attention. They behave naturally!

And vice versa, if one can see pretense, hypocrisy, and flattery in a person’s behavior, then they alienate those around them.

Leaders are always confident in themselves, but respect the opinions of others. They are courteous and polite, but will not allow themselves to be offended. It's easy and simple to communicate with them!

Definitely, in order to gain popularity in society, you need to be smart, wise, sociable, stylish, have excellent taste, and become an individual. To do this you have to work for more than one year! We are sure that you are exactly like that! You are engaged in self-improvement and are strict with yourself. But authoritative psychologists on the site will tell you a few simple ways to please people. They are easy to do and the effect is amazing!

We have already written about how to please a man on the site. And now we want to determine the most effective ways to attract others to you, regardless of gender and age. Use these secrets together to achieve maximum effect!

- Have your own trick. You must have something that sets you apart from others. Maybe it's a mole on the face or? Maybe this is an original decoration or a bold manicure? But this feature should organically complement your image, and not be a “stain” that you want to erase. It is this feature that will allow you to become memorable and initially attract attention. A bun with a twist is always tastier than the exact same bun without the raisins.

- Self-confidence. Behave naturally and calmly, be confident in your attractiveness and uniqueness. Don't be afraid to express your opinion, but do it respectfully. Don't let fear and doubt ruin your evening, or your whole life.

-Don't humiliate others. Don't be narcissistic and proud. If you want people to like you, be “comfortable” in communication. Don't allow yourself to make fun of people or express disrespect towards them. Try to put yourself in their position and understand. Support a person - and he will want to open up to you and the world around him. For this he will be grateful to you all his life.

- Goal and dream. In the life of every person there should be a real dream and goal to which he strives. What are your hobbies? What have you achieved good results in? What is your self-improvement? What do you “boast” about? A person without a goal is like a book with empty pages that is not interesting to leaf through. How will you surprise your interlocutor? Why will he respect you? How will you surprise?

- Be a great storyteller. Learn to express your thoughts interestingly and clearly. But don't forget about dialogue. A long, monotonous monologue, even about the most interesting events, will evoke one desire: to turn away from the narrator and sleep. Learn to ask questions, weave them into the conversation. Do not repeat a lot of unnecessary phrases that do not carry any information. And one more thing: make your interlocutor laugh! Develop your sense of humor. But don't laugh at a person's shortcomings or at the things that might be important to them (religion, their job, their dreams). Know how to joke concisely and on time!

- Be attentive to people. Don't miss the opportunity to express your admiration for a person's qualities or appearance. Whenever possible, congratulate them on their personal victories and don’t forget about birthdays and holidays. If a person needs support and compassion, then give it to them! They will not forget that you were with them on their day of triumph or sadness. Know how to listen, understand their concerns, be amazed at their performance and ability to create. After all, for all people (like you), it is important to recognize your own importance. Give it to them, show your respect and admiration! At the right time for you, they will also support you. Just do everything sincerely, without expecting gratitude for your actions.

- Call people by name. Psychologists prove that there is no more euphonious word for a person than the sound of his own name. In a conversation, call a person by name to win him over.

- Be optimistic! Think for yourself! Who do you want to communicate with more: a whiner who mutters something under his breath in a sad voice or a cheerful person who happily responds to your appeal? People get energy from optimists. And sad people, on the contrary, take away strength from their interlocutor. People are not interested in listening to constant complaints about life. Everyone is drawn to the positive, like plants to the sun! Be the sunshine for your friends!

And if you are constantly in a bad mood, then find out how to get rid of apathy and!

— Don't look away. A direct look into the eyes of the interlocutor indicates honesty, sincerity, and interest. Sometimes a confident, warm, direct look in the eyes is enough to convince you of your integrity and pure intentions. And vice versa: a wandering, hiding gaze can mean deception, neglect, insincerity.

— Reflect your interlocutor like a mirror. Those who are at least a little familiar with psychology know what the “mirror” technique is. In order for your friend to perceive you as one of his own, you need to copy his position of the body and hands. That is, if the person opposite sat down with his legs crossed, reflect his posture as if in a mirror. Also copy the tilt of your head and the volume of your voice. Soon the interlocutor will perceive you as “his other self.”

— Smile! A failsafe and mandatory rule that applies always and everywhere! Signal your good intentions and integrity. Show with a smile that you are pleased to be in this company and communicate with this particular person! A smile does wonders!

Date: 2012-02-22

Hello site readers. In this article we will try to answer this question:

How should you behave in order to enjoy the sympathy of others and make friends in life and love?

In our difficult times, where a person is exposed to a large number of problems, which force each person to be under great stress, which is why they often want to stop, reflect on their life, and hear kind and smart advice from the outside. In a difficult time, a person needs to understand the reason why, for example, he is not popular among his colleagues, why he is always unlucky with friends, or why he cannot build.

And no matter how a person tries to please other people, the opposite effect results, which distances him even further from. “Where is the exit?”- he asks. How should I behave to make people like me?

A person fusses, but never finds answers to the questions that torment him, although his main mistake is only in the fact that he does not take into account the most banal ones that contribute to understanding other people, helping to achieve mutual understanding, improve relationships at work and in his family.

What needs to be done to correct this situation?

1. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF

This is the very first and perhaps the most important step towards changing something.

From time immemorial, people have known what magic a person creates in himself, a weak person becomes powerful, an averagely developed person achieves tremendous success in his field. You yourself can remember a large number of ugly women who force others to believe in their own attractiveness only through their faith, their conviction that they are truly irresistible.

Your self-confidence infects those around you instantly. If you think to yourself: "I can not!", those around you will quickly feel yours, and not a single person will help you or resort to your services. The instinct of self-preservation prevents people from dealing with such a person. Would you yourself begin to contact the person within yourself, would you begin to resort to his services? I think no.

The world does not approve of people who follow the principle: "I can't!". The one who believes in his own strength, in himself and asserts: “I can and I want!”- will be married to, he will begin to attract more and more people to himself, and everyone will simply meet him halfway.

"It can not be!"- you exclaim. Really, all I need is faith, faith in myself! YES!!! To get started, you need a regular one. Without this, the remaining points will be difficult to complete.

Weak faith will only give partial results, but steely, optimistic, cheerful faith will give the same wonderful results that they can be called magical. You need to cultivate such faith in yourself. And you don’t have to wait for someone from somewhere to come and help you. Listen to the words of old wisdom: “Don't wait for someone or anything to help. Go and start the business yourself".

This is what you need to do, while firmly believing in. If you start, you will feel that things are going like clockwork, and the situation will turn in your direction according to your will.

So, if you can demonstrate the following qualities:

1. The most powerful desire, and not the usual weak desire.

2. Assertive faith in others ABILITIES justify these aspirations.

7. SEVERAL WAYS TO LIKE PEOPLE

Most often, people are attracted by a pleasant appearance, well-styled hair, neat, tasteful, well-chosen clothes, so the problem of appearance, paradoxically, is almost paramount if you want to attract people's sympathy.

It’s not for nothing that people have a proverb: - “They meet you by their clothes...”.

This applies to both men and women, although, unconditionally, the fair sex pays much more attention to their appearance.

But let's remember the end of that proverb: “... they escort you according to your mind”. This means that the impression you make on your interlocutors depends to a large extent on what you talk about and how you behave.

So, how to behave correctly to please your interlocutor?

To begin with, try to listen as much as possible than talk. When your interlocutor talks about something, listen to him more respectfully and interestedly. Don't interrupt him, don't make long-winded comments, and especially don't deviate from his reasoning as if he's talking nonsense.

If you do not agree with any statement made in a conversation, try to express your disagreement in a soft tone, not flatly or rudely.

For example, you can say the following phrase: - “Of course, I may be wrong, but I think...” and then talk about your own view on the subject of discussion.

Remember once and for all that a directive tone, ultimatum and unwillingness to listen to the opinion of your interlocutor is the best way to become a boor and an ignoramus, to destroy a relationship with a person for a long time, and maybe forever.

Remember this and try to learn to listen to your interlocutor.

Behave with a person respectfully, address him by name and patronymic if you hardly know him, or by name if the person is close to you or is your friend, but under no circumstances do not stoop to familiarity and unceremoniousness, do not use names in a rough form, for example: “Sashka”, “Bear”, “Anka” and by analogy.

It is unpleasant for a person to be treated with disrespect. With your close people, it is better to use an affectionate diminutive form in their names, for example: “Anechka”, “Mashenka”, “Cornflower” etc. But, if you are already an elderly person, it is better to address your spouse by name in front of people. Agree that if in public you address your elderly spouse "Alenochka", may look stupid.

In order to make people like you, you must be sincerely interested in them. Feigned, fake interest will not fool anyone.

8. WHAT YOU NEED TO DO TO TURN FROM YOUR OPPONENT INTO AN ALLY

It doesn’t happen in life that everyone always agrees with you on everything. Conflicts, disputes, simple disagreements or misunderstandings cannot be avoided.

What should you do if you simply need to find a common language with that person who has the opposite point of view?

First, you need to not be annoyed with him because he thinks differently from you. Otherwise, your efforts to find a common language are already doomed to fail.

Start by thoroughly familiarizing yourself with your opponent’s point of view, understanding and understanding his goals.

Next, look for at least some similarities in your positions. If you want to agree on something with such a person, then start your conversation not in those moments that separate you, but in those that can bring you together.

Sometimes it happens that people are separated not in themselves, but in the ways of achieving them. Start with what connects you, and eventually you will find a common language. Don't forget that tone is very important. Under no circumstances should you start a conversation in an angry or mean tone.

In this way, you will immediately cut off your path to your opponent’s soul and the hope that he will understand you. So be gentle. Try to avoid sharp corners during a conversation. And in general, if you want to win an argument, then don’t start it.

When communicating with people, try at least sometimes to look at the subject of your conversation through the eyes of your opponent, then you will be able to eliminate any misunderstanding and convince the person that you are right.

If you feel you are wrong, do not be afraid to admit it. This will not diminish you and your dignity one bit, only a reasonable person is capable of such a thing.

If you still prove that you are right, then speak figuratively, convincingly and clearly. In this case, you have a much greater chance that your interlocutor will agree with you.

If, even in a heated argument, you maintain respect for the interlocutor, let him know that you consider him a good, sincere and friendly person, he will very readily agree with your judgments.

But even if you are right two hundred thousand times, but at the same time pronounce your truthful words arrogantly, contemptuously, cynically or simply in an irritated tone, you do not have a single chance to convince a person that you are right.

It’s not for nothing that the greatest Dale Carnegie said about this: - “If a person’s heart is filled with discontent and ill will towards you, then no logic known in the real world can persuade him to your point of view. Nagging parents, tyrannical owners and husbands, as well as nagging wives should understand that people do not want to change their views. They cannot be forced or induced to agree with you or me. But perhaps they can be brought to this point if we act gently and very friendly.”.

First, you need to formulate the internal task very clearly and correctly. Simply put, you need to know exactly what you want and what you are striving for.

Second, you must firmly believe in success. This is very, very important. We have already talked about this many times and we return to it only because in the absence of faith, success is impossible.

Thirdly, there is no need to rush. Only a patient, reasonable and judicious person has a chance to cope with all difficulties, overcome all unfavorable circumstances, unite like-minded people around him and succeed.

In order to objectively evaluate yourself, you should first of all know the type of your temperament. It is clear that not every person has access to a psychologist’s consultation on this issue.

In fact, to people like, you don’t need to own anything special. I know that everything will work out for you and it won’t be long before you become the most beloved and significant person in your environment!

	Like

And the clubfoot is happy:

“What an outfit!

How will I pass like a peacock

Over the mountains and valleys,

So the animal people will gasp:

“What a handsome guy coming!”

And the bears, the bears in the forest,

How will they see my beauty

They'll get sick, poor fellows, from envy."

K. Chukovsky. "Toptygin and the Fox"

Popular wisdom left us with the expression: “You are greeted by your clothes.” And what we don’t do to ensure that our clothes are well received: we tie an unusual tie for us, which puts pressure on our necks and doesn’t allow us to breathe, we polish our shoes until they shine, we spend hours at the hairdresser, we chase after French cosmetics - in a word, just to amaze everyone on the spot . But why don’t we take care of our “psychological clothes”? They also greet people by it!

According to the American psychologist E. Bern, in each of us there live three people who perceive the world in their own way. He named them Parent, Adult and Child. So, three of each!

Parent- this is our system of life stereotypes, perceived in childhood or later formed as a result of upbringing, a system of ideas about how to behave in a given situation. The parent is the "should" area.

The one who with pleasure teaches others, commands, constantly finds fault with something, who is difficult to please, who is always grumbling: “But in our time!” - he has a pronounced, overdeveloped Parent. On the contrary, a person with a weak, practically absent Parent can be called a “person without conscience.”

Child- the sphere of emotions, humor, creativity, self-esteem, love, etc. Surely all of us are familiar with incredibly emotional people whose mood changes from extreme to extreme in a matter of minutes, capricious, very hot-tempered, suspicious, etc. - these are people with an overdeveloped, uncontrollable state of the Child. And vice versa, “one whose Child is very weak or oppressed in mind can be called “a person without joy.” The Child is the area of ​​“I want.”

And finally, Adult- the sphere of knowledge, information, independent “decision-making, sober analysis.” The adult acts as a kind of “weigher” between the “need” of the Parent and the “want” of the Child. The adult is the area of ​​“possibly, reasonably.”

Communication is most balanced and conflict-free if an Adult actively participates in it. The ability to "include" an Adult is the ability to objectively evaluate people and situations, not to succumb to the prejudices of the Parent and the illusions of the Child.

When we meet someone, we are evaluated by all three people living in him: Parent, Adult and Child. We evaluate others in the same way. Let's imagine the following situation. We are at a lecture, let's say, on the problems of family relationships. The lecturer entered the hall and walked past us to the podium. It smelled of perfume, reminiscent of those that our first love had once used, and pleasant associations and memories involuntarily arose. The lecturer turned out to be a very pretty brunette with huge, bewitching eyes. (The child in us has already given her a positive rating, naturally).

She walked energetically up to the podium and tossed her purse onto the table next to her. “They don’t do that,” flashed through my head. It was the Parent who gave his indignant voice. (By the way, in the impersonal form of our thoughts: “They don’t do that!”, “Nobody thinks that!”, “This is indecent!” - easy determine when our reactions are caused by the action of the Parent: it is in this impersonal form that we perceive the norms of behavior, morality, etiquette, etc. Let us remember the mother’s: “Good boys don’t behave like that!”) Here we notice that the lecturer, It turns out that he is wearing jeans. “Not very suitable clothes for lectures!” - the Parent gives his negative assessment.

The lecturer has not yet said a word, but the attitude towards her has already been formed. This was done by the most quickly reacting and least clearly aware of us parts of our “I” - the Parent and the Child.

The lecture has already begun, and we are still under the influence of the first impression, and only then do we begin to perceive it. What is being said. It was at this moment that the adult became involved.

Despite great efforts, it will be difficult for us to objectively perceive only the information given by the lecturer. One way or another, we will have to break through the emotional trap of the contradictory first impressions formed by the Child and the Parent. And if, for example, the Parent has a prejudice that in order to talk about family relationships, you yourself need to have been married for at least 50 years, then the girl’s lecture is doomed to failure. No matter how correctly and qualifiedly she speaks, the Parent’s assessment: “She’s too young to talk about this!” - will be stronger than the Adult’s opinion about the lecturer’s competence.

The greatest success in communication is achieved by the one who knows how to win over the interlocutor’s Parent and - especially! - make his Child a friend. If we somehow violated the norms and stereotypes of behavior familiar to the Parent of the interlocutor or somehow offended his Child, then we will earn, at best, a hostile attitude, at worst, an enemy for life. (An offended Child strives for revenge, and with particular pleasure he does this secretly.) It is no coincidence that the main conclusion from E. Bern’s theory is: “For God’s sake, don’t hit the Child!”

Thus, the basic law of attraction - people like art - can be formulated as follows:

Give “gifts” to the child and do not tease the parent of your interlocutor.

The first chapter, and also, to a certain extent, the entire book, is devoted to the techniques and rules that help to achieve this.

This chapter, divided into small passages, collects and analyzes various situations from the lives of the authors, their friends and acquaintances, as well as those told to them sometime by someone or read somewhere.

The section “What Would a Psychoanalyst Say...” contains episodes that show how our unconscious motives and desires are reflected in actions and deeds that are insignificant or inexplicable at first glance. We in no way set ourselves the task of presenting psychoanalytic theory or teaching the techniques and techniques of psychoanalysis developed by S. Freud and his followers, the only goal is to give examples of how our observation and desire to think can help us better understand people.

The section “Notes of a Naturalist” also contains observations of people’s actions, but not directly related to their unconscious, which can help master the art of “reading a person like a book.”

We are sure that anyone can give hundreds of similar examples if desired. This chapter is just an invitation to be observant and notice those “little things” in our communication that we usually do not tend to pay attention to.

They say that they once conducted such an experiment. At the psychological communication training, each group member acted as a defendant, who was given one minute to say the last word and ask for pardon, and the rest were jurors rendering a verdict, whether to execute him or pardon him.

It turned out that the jury made its decision within the first 10-15 seconds; the rest of the “defendant’s” speech was practically irrelevant.

Let's formulate the "15 second rule":

The basis of the interlocutor’s attitude towards us is laid in the first 15 seconds of communication with us.

To safely get through the “minefield” of the first 15 seconds, you must use the RULE OF THREE “PLUS”.

Experts have noticed: in order to win over your interlocutor from the very beginning of an acquaintance or conversation, you need to give him at least three psychological “pluses”, in other words, give pleasant “gifts” to his Child three times. (The same applies to ending a conversation or meeting),

There are, of course, many possible “pluses”, but the most universal of them are: a compliment, a smile, the name of the interlocutor and raising his importance..

Whoever praises me best will receive a sweet candy.

From the cartoon

Where are they - the times of charming ladies and gallant knights? Crowded buses, endless queues, empty counters, political confusion - in a word, a struggle for survival. What kind of ladies and knights are there! But as one smart person said: “Happiness does not depend on the things and orders that surround us, but on ourselves.” We have the power to give a piece of warmth to the people with whom we communicate, to make their lives a little more joyful and kinder. And compliments, which have already disappeared from our everyday life, can play an important role here.

People who know how to make them are as exotic as dinosaurs that froze millions of years ago. (Perhaps they became extinct because they did not know how to give each other warmth?) And if the poor animals cannot be returned, then learning how to give compliments is quite possible. Moreover, it benefits us ourselves.

At first glance, a compliment is the simplest thing in communication. But to do it masterfully is the highest art. Said to the forehead: “How beautiful you are today!” - it only leads to the opposite effect. Any woman can be indignant: “How? Only today?!” Is it easy to give a compliment to a man who, it seems, is not customary to praise for his beauty?

There are three types of compliments:

1 . Indirect compliment. We praise not the person himself, but what is dear to him: a hunter - a gun, a “mad” on dogs - his pet, a parent - a child, etc. It is enough, when you go to a female boss’s office, to casually notice how tastefully the furnishings are chosen and how comfortable you feel here, in order to earn some favor with yourself.

2 . Compliment "minus-PLUS". We first give the interlocutor a small “minus”, and then a huge “plus”. For example, “Perhaps I cannot say that you are a good worker... You are an indispensable specialist for us!” After the “minus”, a person is lost and is ready to be indignant, and then, in contrast, something very flattering is said to him. The psychological state is reminiscent of the feelings of a person balancing on the edge of an abyss: first - horror from the thought of death, and then - indescribable joy: “Alive!!!” Psychologists consider such a compliment to be the most emotional and memorable, but, like everything powerful, it is risky. If the “minus” turns out to be stronger than the “plus”, the consequences could be disastrous for us.

3 . The person is compared to something most precious to the person giving the compliment. "I would like to have a son as responsible as you!" This compliment is the subtlest and most pleasant for the interlocutor. But the scope of its application is limited:

To prevent it from looking artificial, it is necessary to have close and trusting relationships between the interlocutors.

A partner should know how important to us is what we are comparing with. I once heard a phrase said as a compliment: “You are as interesting as my barbs” (It turns out that this person is an aquarist and really likes to watch the behavior of barb fish). A compliment can also help us when we need to criticize someone. After all, the purpose of criticism is to change the behavior of another person, and not just to ruin his mood, humiliate him, or crush him. By “razing” a person (which we love to do), we can force him to do something the way we want, but he will never want to do it himself, which is the only productive result of criticism.

Here you can use the following technique. The form is a compliment, but the content is criticism. “Ivanov, you simply bribe me with your constancy! You never come to work on time!”

This is thanks to you!

The hardest thing about a compliment is to respond to it appropriately. A compliment cannot be returned, like a borrowed “ten” after payment. This must be done right away, otherwise the person, even if he is not offended, will not want to compliment us another time.

The general scheme may be as follows: “It’s thanks to you!” All art consists in the ability to vary it gracefully. - I admire your wit! - It’s hard to be different when you’re next to a person who jokes as subtly as you!

In other words, it is necessary to return the psychological “plus” to the person who gave it to us. At the same time, it is important to praise the interlocutor for his positive qualities, and not because he is so good: he praised us, noticed the good in us.

And finally, the main thing: a compliment is valuable only when it is given sincerely. An insincere compliment is already a sophisticated mockery.

What would a psychoanalyst say...

One day I was walking along the corridor and a young and pretty woman met me. We almost collided. She goes to the right and I go to the right, she goes to the left and I go to the left, etc., we just can’t separate. Eventually she stopped and I walked around her and continued on.

After just five steps, laughter began to choke me. I asked myself: “Why couldn’t we break up?” - and caught myself thinking: “After all, she’s beautiful, and I unconsciously didn’t want to part with her, so I didn’t let her go.”

The unconscious sought to realize a desire that the mind rejected as unacceptable and impossible.

A person without a smile on his face should not open a store.

Chinese proverb

Let's look around us in the morning on our crowded bus: a wall of gloomy faces, each like a bomb, ready to explode at the slightest spark. And this is how we come to work and begin to “bark” at each other, because the majority have already received an “invigorating shower” of barbs and insults on public transport. In this situation, a person who comes up with a smile gives us a big “plus”: of course, he was traveling on the same bus, and when he saw us he began to smile, which means he is very happy to meet us! And who doesn’t like this?

1. In order for people to want to communicate with us, we ourselves must want to communicate with them, and our interlocutors must see this.

Let us remember how a familiar dog greets us: she wags her tail, squeals, tries to climb into her arms or lick her cheek - in a word, she expresses her joy by all means available to her. And we notice with what a good-natured smile we look at her, we even have a desire to affectionately pat her on the neck.

But why don’t we take advantage of this technique, expressing the joy of meeting a person by all means available to us?

The universal remedy is a smile!

2. Sometimes the power of a smile on others is hard to imagine.

Once on the Kaliningrad-Moscow train there were 6 people in the compartment with us. In the conversation it turned out that the guy and the girl had tickets for yesterday: the train departed around midnight, and due to the difference between local and Moscow time, they ordered them incorrectly. And just then the conductor began to walk through the carriage and collect tickets.

When she entered the compartment, the guy gave up his seat to make it more convenient to work, smiled and said: “You know, we have a little surprise for you! The tickets turned out to be “double”!” She raised her head and looked at him. Her lips, almost against her will, also began to stretch into a smile. The tired, irritated, gloomy face was transformed beyond recognition.

She checked their tickets, looked at the guy knowingly, but said nothing.

About 10 minutes later, the train foreman came and transferred them to another carriage, where they calmly traveled to Moscow, practically without having “real” tickets. And our entire compartment remained amazed and discussed what had happened for a long time.

3. But what should we do if we can’t find something good in our interlocutor that we like so that we can sincerely smile at him?

Then, at first, the following technique, which D. Carnegie offers, can help us: “Before entering his office, stop for a moment and think about the many things for which you should be grateful to fate, and on your face a wide, genuine smile will appear: and when you enter the room, your face will still retain traces of this smile.”

So, a smile is an expression of a good attitude towards the interlocutor, a psychological “plus”. The answer to which is the interlocutor’s disposition towards us. Let’s conclude: smiling is beneficial.

1. A sincere, friendly smile cannot spoil a single face, and the vast majority of them make them more attractive.

2. A woman's charming smile brings more effect than a kilogram of French cosmetics.

3. “A smile costs nothing, but gives a lot. It enriches those who receive it, without impoverishing those who give it. No one is rich enough to do without it, and there is no such poor person who would not be richer from it "It lasts a moment, but sometimes remains in the memory forever."

Naturalist's Notes

I remember an interesting episode. A psychological communication training had just ended, and my colleagues and I were sitting in the smoking room by the open window, discussing the results. The colleague who conducted the training was trembling from nervous overstrain after 8 hours of work with the utmost concentration of all mental forces.

I said: “I’ll close the window, otherwise you’ll be shaking from the cold wind.” As soon as the window was closed, the shaking stopped.

In this situation, one psychological mechanism clearly manifested itself - the creation of an “anchor” like a conditioned reflex. My words connected his trembling (caused by nervous tension) with the cold air from the window - they formed an “anchor”. And as soon as the window closed, as soon as the “cause” was eliminated, the trembling disappeared. Although objectively this causes significant changes in air temperature, etc. Did not happen.

“The anchor, replacing the true cause of the trembling with another, managed to “deceive” my colleague’s body.

Sesame! Open the door!

From oriental tales

Who among us can boast that he remembers the names of all the people he knows? Can anyone say that it is unpleasant for him when a passing acquaintance, meeting him again, calls him by his first name and patronymic?

Every person wants to leave his mark on Earth and through it live in the memory of people. But we all do it differently. Someone, like Raphael, paints pictures, another carries out political reforms, a third scratches “Vasya was here” on the walls of the temple, etc. Despite the external differences, the essence of these actions is the same: the desire to leave your name in people’s memory. For this we are ready to do a lot.

When is it useful to use the other person's name?

1. The very sound of a name has a great impact on a person.

Let's compare two phrases with which a husband can address his wife during a domestic quarrel. “Well, listen to me carefully!” or “Lena, listen to me carefully!” We agree that the second phrase has a better chance of being heard.

During conflicts, wanting to relieve their severity, people subconsciously begin to use the names of their interlocutors more often.

2. If in a dispute at a meeting or production planning meeting, where everyone defends their opinion, you often call your opponents by name, you can come to an agreement much faster.

Often we need not so much to insist on our own, but to see that people are listening to us, and to hear our name at the same time. Often a name is the decisive straw for things to turn out in our favor.

3. A manager who wants to make a good impression can use the following technique: keep a notebook and write down the names of all his business partners and subordinates and look at it occasionally. to be able to call by name when meeting. It leaves a lasting impression on people that a person much higher in the ranks remembers them by name. Let's imagine a situation: the chief engineer of the plant came to the workshop, shook hands with the workers, called one or two by name, asked a third about his wife and asked to do urgent work. Is there anyone for whom it would be a matter of honor to disrupt this task?

4. When we come to some boss with whom we are even unfamiliar, we always have the opportunity to address him by name: as a rule, any more or less high-ranking boss has a secretary who, in exchange for our smile, may agree to tell him his name her boss.

After such an address, the boss will rack his brain for a long time, where he saw us, where we have already met, and this is a huge plus: in front of him is no longer an annoying visitor, of whom he has dozens of them every day, but some kind of acquaintance (though it’s not clear - Which?).

It is very useful to know the names of your bosses' wives, so that when you call your boss at home, when your wife answers the phone, you can address her by her first name and patronymic. If at their home a conversation suddenly arises about you, she may remember: “Ah! This is that young, polite man!” The impact of this passing phrase on one’s career cannot be overestimated.

5. A name can also serve us well in greetings. “Hello, Igor Ivanovich!”, even thrown to a passing acquaintance while walking, is much better than an inarticulate: “Hello!”, and even more so - a coldly arrogant nod of the head.

6. Let us remember the rule of three pluses, according to which, before starting a conversation, you need to please your interlocutor at least three times. One of these universal advantages is being called by name.

"Remember that a person's name is the sweetest and most important sound in any language!"

What would a psychoanalyst say...

The sound of falling and breaking dishes was heard in the dining room. Having collected a full tray of plates and already moving away from serving, the woman suddenly tripped and the complex ended up on the floor. Accident? Unlikely! Nothing happens by chance in the human psyche.

It so happened that we heard this woman discussing the menu with her friend: she did not like either the first or the second set. And here is the result on the floor! The unconscious “saved” her from an undesirable action - eating food she didn’t like.

Naturally, if you asked this woman why she tripped, the answer would be: “It’s just like that...”

Ask your enemy for advice - and he will become your friend...

From a song by an unknown bard.

Since childhood, we were told that there are “magic words”: “thank you”, “please” - and we firmly believed in their magical power. But as the years passed, we became more and more convinced that others practically did not pay attention to them. The belief in the magic of these words disappeared along with childhood. But how you still want to know some word that would be a universal key to people’s hearts. And there are such words!”

But first, let's turn to one of the tips of the American psychologist D. Carnegie. In his book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, he writes:

Instill in your interlocutor a sense of his importance and do it sincerely.

We all want to feel significant, so that at least something depends on us. Isn’t it true, how often have we had to deal with some minor official, be it a house management employee or a hotel watchwoman, who categorically refuses to fulfill our request, citing yet another instruction that is contrary to common sense?

And often one gets the feeling that this official gives indescribable pleasure to see our helplessness and fury. But he really gets pleasure - pleasure from creating his own significance, confirmation of which he cannot receive otherwise than by forbidding us to do what we want. Even if it’s small, it’s power!

1. The need to feel significant is one of the most natural and characteristic human weaknesses, characteristic of all people to one degree or another. And sometimes it is enough to give a person the opportunity to realize his own significance so that he will happily agree to do what we ask.

We once witnessed a young man using this technique, albeit with a great deal of humor. “In this tram, your face seems to me the most intelligent, so I decided to turn to you. Would you be so kind as to validate the coupon?” The woman to whom he turned was shocked and confused, and when she came to her senses, she laughed cheerfully and punched the coupon, although before that she had to do a similar operation ten times and she was already on edge.

The man somewhat “overdid it”: such a phrase is not entirely appropriate in this situation - hence the confusion of the interlocutor (although in essence everything was done correctly). If a sense of proportion is observed, the person using this technique makes a very favorable impression.

2. Any employee wants others to value his work, recognize his employment, usefulness and indispensability. Therefore, it never hurts us, when turning to him, to apologize for the “disturbance caused,” although fulfilling our request is within the scope of his official duties.

If, when ordering an additional dish from a passing waitress, you start with the words: “Sorry for bothering you! We understand that our table is far from the only one you have, but could you...” - then there is a chance that they will bring us what we ordered much faster, or at least they won’t respond with rudeness.

By raising the importance of the waitress, by acknowledging the difficulties of this job, we disarm her. The waitress begins to feel that she seems to even owe us: we gave her a “plus” and it needs to be returned.

3. We started talking about waitresses and wanted to return to our watchwoman. I remembered the advice that a friend gave us

Somehow he discovered a way to avoid unnecessary problems by walking past the watchman to the women's dormitory. He was in a good mood and wanted to do good to all people. I entered the hostel and went straight to the guard.

He smiled, said hello and asked: “Can you tell me how I can visit you here. Perhaps I should leave some kind of document?” The watchwoman, quite shrew-like, smiled in response: “Yes, leave something.” He gave her his driver's license and went upstairs. As he climbed the stairs, he thought: “Why, exactly, did she let him through so easily? After all, with a driver’s license they weren’t allowed in here, even at gunpoint!” And then he realized that the point, apparently, was that he inwardly went straight from the door to the watchwoman, TO HER, and not PAST HER, as is usually customary and as he always did, with the desire to talk to her, and not quickly jump up!

By this he raised her importance in his own eyes (and what more does a watchwoman need!), she intuitively felt this and answered him with favorable permission, contrary to the rules with which she always covered herself like a shield.

4. Of course, there are thousands of means of raising the importance of an interlocutor; everyone chooses the most suitable one for a given situation. But there are also universal ones that can be called truly magical words.

For example, “I would like to consult with you!” People read them like this: “They want to consult with me. I am needed! I am significant! Well, why not help this person?” Of course, this phrase is a general formula; the whole art lies in the ability to vary it, to look for the most appropriate words for the situation.

The main thing is to sincerely ask the person for one or another help.

“I would like to consult with you...” - a formula for success.

5. As one wise man said: “Do not be afraid of enemies who attack you. Be afraid of friends who flatter you.” Raising the importance of your interlocutor can become a universal key to his soul only if it is done sincerely. Admiration, losing sincerity, turns into flattery, in other words, a rough sledgehammer under which doors break, but do not open themselves.

ABOUT WOMEN.

“Singing a woman’s praises before marriage is a matter of inclination. But singing her praises after you have married her is a matter of necessity, moreover, personal safety.”

ABOUT MEN.

"Talk to a man about himself, and he will listen to you for hours."

What would a psychoanalyst say...

Once we observed an interesting picture. One specialist was given a sheet on which the ideas of a “competing company” were outlined. He said energetically: “Let’s go and discuss this in the smoking room,” he stood up and grabbed a piece of paper from the table. And it so happened that this piece of paper fell out of his hands. Moreover, it seemed that our friend almost threw him on the floor. We realized that he was ready to immediately reject everything that was written there. The unconscious movement of "throwing ideas" of competitors on the floor is caused by a negative attitude and the desire to "trample" them. The course of further conversation confirmed our assumptions.

Grandma, why do you have such big ears?

This is to hear you better, my child!

"Little Red Riding Hood"

Once we happened to hear the story of a novice businessman in a company. He needed to get a loan to organize a rental business. But acquaintances said that asking the president of a recently opened commercial bank for money without sufficient guarantees (and he, naturally, did not have them) was almost hopeless; and in general, they say, this president is an “eccentric” - he is interested in the history of Baptists.

And so our entrepreneur came to the bank. At that time, the President was talking enthusiastically on the phone with his Baptist acquaintance. When he finished, the visitor involuntarily asked the question: “Are there Baptists in our city too?” The President was somewhat surprised by his interest, but nevertheless began to talk about them, becoming more and more interested. They talked for 40 minutes. (Although this is a strong word - “talked”: all this time the bank president spoke, and his visitor only asked questions). Then the president came to his senses, asked what issue they had come to him about, apologized for keeping his interlocutor for so long and scheduled a new meeting.

The next day, within five minutes, all problems were solved. Permission to receive a loan is in hand. And all only because our businessman let his interlocutor talk about what interests him most and was a good listener.

1. How often do we miss a person who will not “teach us how to live”, evaluate our actions, give advice, make decisions, but will simply listen. It is not for nothing that humanity has developed such a form of conversation as confession. After all, its psychological essence is not in receiving “absolution of sins,” but in the opportunity to pour out one’s soul to a person who will accept all our problems as their own. The priest in confession is the brother of the psychotherapist. And with what gratitude people leave him. But why don't we follow his example? Let us remember the advice of a person who knows life:

Be a good listener...Encourage others to talk about themselves.

2. A pimple on one’s own neck worries a person a thousand times more than the fate of a Papuan who was eaten by his fellow tribesmen in New Zealand, or the boy from the bottom of the stairs who did not go to college.

If we want to make a favorable impression on our interlocutor, then we need to talk not about our own problems, but about what interests him.

One psychologist spoke very interestingly about this rule: “I personally really like ice cream. But I discovered that for some strange reason fish prefer worms. Therefore, when I go fishing, I don’t think about what I want. I think about what the fish want, I don't bait a hook with a portion of ice cream, but I lure the fish with a worm or a grasshopper. Why don't we do the same smart thing to attract people to us?"

3. When we meet with a person whom we have not seen for a couple of weeks, it is very useful to ask what happened in his life during this time, especially about what is important to him: you can ask a loving parent about his daughter’s school progress, or an engineer doing some kind of work. a project, about the progress of work, for a person returning from vacation - about his impressions of Yalta beaches, etc. It is especially important to ask a person who was waiting for some decisive event: the birth of a child, a promotion, defense of a dissertation, etc. - in this case, lack of interest on our part can cause severe resentment.

An interesting analysis of such situations is offered by the American psychologist E. Berne. He believes that people exchange psychological “strokes” during communication.

Hello! How are you? (2 "strokes").

Hello! OK, thank you! (2 "strokes").

“Stroking” is a unit of our interest in the interlocutor. Communication proceeds favorably and the interlocutors feel comfortable if the number of “strokes” sent corresponds to the number received. If there are not enough or too many of them, a feeling of discomfort arises (or the inappropriateness of such a conversation):

Hello! (1 "stroking") How glad I am to see you! (3) Congratulations, I heard you have achieved great success? (5)

Hello! I'm in hurry! (1 "stroking")

When we meet a person whom we have not seen for a long time, we feel that a kind of “debt” of psychological “strokes” has accumulated, which must be returned.

Carefully! You shouldn’t be too intrusive with your questions if it’s clear that the person doesn’t really want to talk, or ask them in inappropriate situations. For example, when meeting on the street, the question “How is life?” - the answer traditionally follows - Normal!” (And inside the interlocutor remains irritated: “He is so dismissive of what is happening in my life that he believes that it is not worth more than a couple of words on the street!”) You must have I mean that our ideas about the size of the “debt” of psychological “strokes” may differ significantly from the ideas of the interlocutor!

What would a psychoanalyst say...

Here's the situation. A girl and a guy are sitting in the cinema lobby, waiting for the show to start. She crossed her legs and rocked her shoe on her toes, and at this time he was telling her something. What might a careful observer say about them?

Firstly, they have known each other for quite a long time and this is not the first time they came to the cinema together: playing with a shoe indicates that the girl feels relaxed next to the guy - hardly a woman (unless, of course, she is a flirt to the core) I would do this in the presence of a man whom I have known for several days.

Secondly, the uniform swaying of the shoe (like any other uniform movement) together with the gaze directed at one point indicates the girl’s concentration on internal experiences and thoughts - it is unlikely that she listens carefully to what the guy is telling her: “He’s chatting about something... then, oh well!"

If at the same time, as if in confusion, she suddenly puts on a shoe and presses it tightly with her fingers to her foot, you can be sure that she is thinking about someone else (pressing the shoe in the unconscious is a symbolic pressing to this Other).

If you see the inscription “Buffalo” on a lion’s cage, don’t believe your eyes.

Kozma Prutkov

Have you ever attended hypnotist sessions? Here comes a man who looks “more representative” than two Hercules put together and gives a “squat hopak”, as in his youth. Then a respectable woman stands up and absolutely seriously claims that she is Galina Ulanova, and to prove this, she begins to perform a part from the ballet “Swan Lake”. We smile, thinking: “What do people do under hypnosis!” But are we always free in our actions or opinions, even if there is no hypnosis?

One day an interesting experiment was conducted. A group of people were asked to characterize a person from a photograph, saying that he was a prominent physicist, and a second group was shown the same photograph, but called the person a repeat criminal who killed three small children. How did they describe him?

The first group said the following: “His high forehead indicates great intelligence, wisdom is visible in his deep eyes, his straight nose speaks of willpower, efficiency, a slight smile on his lips emphasizes his kindness, etc.

The second described the same photo as follows: “His flat forehead shows a complete lack of intelligence, deep-set eyes are angry, it seems that he is ready to kill anyone, a straight, sharp nose emphasizes his readiness to go to the goal “over the skulls” of others, a malicious grin expresses bitterness for everyone," etc.

One and the same photo, but as if two completely different and opposite people. What's the matter?

What is installation?

If we do not have our own definite opinion about something, then most often we are ready to go in the direction that someone else will suggest. Psychologists call this phenomenon an attitude. Let's remember a typical situation: the teacher described a student as “smart”, and in the future he is often “doomed” to a gold medal, and another as a “stupid, a hooligan”, and he will have to make a lot of efforts so as not to end up in a juvenile detention center. It is enough for our friend to say about someone “He’s stupid!”, and having met this person, we will find a million proofs of his stupidity. What about letters of recommendation that used to be so common? Or our bad memory “characteristics”?

1. The opinion formed at the beginning very often determines the attitude towards a person or event for a long time; the first information turns out to be stronger than the previous one.

This " primacy effect".

Therefore, it is very important to immediately make a favorable impression when meeting a new person. By the way, the American psychologist E. Bern advises paying special attention to the first 10 seconds of communication, because the person does not yet know what “role” to play with us and is the one. who he really is.

2. On the contrary, new information about a person we know well is more interesting and important. If we hear something we already know, we often simply ignore the message.

This " novelty effect".

If an employee, who has never been called anything other than “bluestocking,” suddenly comes in a beautiful fashionable dress, there will be talk for a whole week.

3. You shouldn’t be too active in offering something to people or defending your opinion in a dispute: the more effort, the greater the opposite result. This is so familiar: some politicians prove in every possible way that their course is the best, and the people vote for their opponent.

This " boomerang effect".

People tend to subconsciously resist strong pressure from the outside, no matter what it is expressed in, since it is perceived as an attack on their right to free choice.

4. If something unusually excites us and brings positive emotions, we are ready to blindly reject any criticism of our idol - which is well known from lovers. Like Nekrasov: “Some kind of whim gets into your head, you can’t knock it out with a stake.” In such cases, " halo effect".

It is very dangerous: a person begins to look at things unrealistically and then, like a bolt from the blue, disappointment sets in. A person under the influence of the "halo effect" should not conduct business negotiations.

5. But if used skillfully, the "halo effect" can be of great benefit. By slowly creating a good reputation in the eyes of each other for people who are closely connected with each other: work colleagues, friends in our company, etc., after a while we will be surprised to discover that we are surrounded only by good people who get along well among themselves and treat us wonderfully.

Be careful: by selectively praising someone, it’s easy to make enemies and be branded a sycophant.

6. The following technique, “borrowed” from bureaucrats, is also interesting. If there are two people in a company doing the same job equally, then one accepts the client, delves into his problems, and then declares that this is a complex matter and only the second, who is a specialist in these issues, can handle it. A second person is invited, for whom a corresponding “halo” has already been created, and all his words are perceived by the client much more heavily. The workers change places with the next visitor.

What would a psychoanalyst say...

One of our acquaintances, while working on a typewriter, constantly made a typo in the word “experience” - he got “oopt” (the “p” and “s” keys are pressed with different fingers of the left hand).

An analysis was carried out. The left hand is connected to the right hemisphere of the brain, which controls the emotional sphere of a person. It is safe to assume that the typo is caused by (hidden emotional feelings.

It turned out that this young man, at 23 years old, is already a fairly promising scientist, but is still still a student. His main personal problem is the discrepancy between opportunities and status in society. He constantly hears: “Talented, but lacks experience” (by “experience” we mean, naturally, age), and this topic is painful for him).

It was the unconscious that expressed its protest when the words “experienced workers” were printed, which were used in the text as a synonym for the words “elderly workers.”

How many times have we had to ask our acquaintances, friends, parents, husband, wife: “Please do this...” - everything hits the wall, and in the worst case - irritably indignant: “Why are you still pestering me! " It would seem that both an affectionate tone and a “please” were used, but there was no result. What's the matter? Why do people so often refuse to comply with our requests, even if it is not difficult for them? Why do we sometimes have the feeling that “something was missing”, that if we had asked something “differently” we would not have been refused?

1. Studying this problem, American psychologists came to the conclusion: the reason is that we immediately begin with a demand to the interlocutor: “Do this!”, without making it clear what caused our request, why we need it, what it means for us meaning. And any demand, when a person does not understand its expediency and justification, causes defensive opposition in people. And neither the tone nor the words of politeness, it turns out, are of decisive importance.

It is necessary to show the interlocutor the entire “path of origin” of our request!

After the research, the following four-step formula was proposed: “I see... I feel... I need... And that’s why I would like from you..”

I see that you've been walking around a little gloomy lately. I feel like something is wrong between us. And I, like you, need everything to be fine with us, so that you are happy when we are together, otherwise I feel very bad. That's why I'd like to talk to you. Tell me what happened?

Now let’s compare it with our usual option:

Listen, what's the depot? Tell me what happened?

It is likely that after the traditional appeal, the husband or wife will brush it off: “Nothing! Everything is fine!” - but irritation will still remain and can result in conflict. With the four-stage construction of the phrase, it is difficult to “organize” a scandal. By expressing to our interlocutor the reason for our question, we “disarm” him. He sees that this is a serious concern and a sincere desire to find out the source of the tension, and not a stock phrase. After this, he is unlikely to shy away from the conversation.

Here it is necessary to make a reservation that literally following this formula does not seem to be entirely natural for our culture and, perhaps, even somewhat contradicts the structure of the Russian language (in English such a construction sounds more organic), which, in general, is felt in the given example .

Therefore, it is important to follow not the external formal structure, but the internal essence of this structure: “I see...” - a description of some fact: “I feel...” - the formulation of the perception of it, one’s feelings that arose at the same time: “I need ..." - the needs generated by this situation: "I would like from you..." - the request itself. For example:

I see that I don’t have time to prepare everything for the guests’ arrival and I start to worry. And I would like them to like it with you and me. Could you go to the store for bread to make it faster?

Most husbands (unless, of course, they have a “fiery engine” instead of a heart) are unlikely to refuse, especially if this request is accompanied by arms crossed on the neck (kinesthetic “anchor” - for more details, see “When is it worth throwing anchor in the sea of ​​​​communication? ") and a gentle kiss.

If you start the phrase immediately from the fourth step: “Go get some bread!” - and the husband is eager to fulfill this requirement, then he can safely be awarded the title of “The Most Obedient Husband.”

So, the main thing is to show the entire cause-and-effect chain of the request, and the use of key phrases of this formula and even all four steps is, in principle, not necessary. (The first three steps can be swapped, the total number can be reduced to three or two).

I. "I see..."

II. " I feel…"

III. "I need…"

IV. "I would like to…"

2. In situations of conflict, with high emotional intensity, another formula can be used: “You feel (you need)... I feel... Therefore, I would like from you...” - I understand that you would like me I made this decision now, a lot depends on it: you could come to an agreement with your partners today, and things would start moving tomorrow, and that means deadlines and bonuses. But you know, I feel like something doesn’t add up here. The decision is very important, and my intuition rarely deceives me. Therefore, I would like to ask you to postpone this decision until tomorrow, so that we have the opportunity to carefully and slowly think about everything.

This formula consists of three components:

“You feel (you need) ...” - a description of how we understand the state of the interlocutor, his desires and needs;

“I feel...” - transferring to him one’s states, desires, views on the problem;

“I would like from you...” is a request to a partner that follows from this. The main advantage of this construction, which distinguishes it from that proposed by American psychologists, is the first phase: “You feel (you need) ...” - the desire to convey to the interlocutor our understanding, convincing that we did not agree (as in the example) with his position not because we simply brushed it aside, but because, taking everything into account, we still have our own point of view or our own problems.

It is difficult to refuse a request from your interlocutor if he has shown his understanding of our inner world.

The second phase - the description of one’s state - essentially corresponds to the first three stages of the design of American psychologists: conveying in words the “path of origin” of the request.

And the final phase is the request itself.

I. "You feel (you need)..."

II. "I feel..."

III. "I would like from you..."

3. The so-called “we-approach” is also very useful. in any request we must try to find something that may be interesting or beneficial to our partner, constantly showing that it coincides with his interests.

If I work longer now, take a few evenings, I will get a good reward, and we can buy you a new coat.

When it is not possible to find a benefit for a partner, even the simple use of the pronoun “we” is useful. It is better to convert any phrase from “I-form” to “we-form”. Instead of saying: “Let’s postpone the resolution of this issue until tomorrow: could I think it over thoroughly?”, it is better to say: “Let’s postpone the resolution of this issue until tomorrow: we could think it over thoroughly.” Instead of the director’s words to his subordinates: “A great order, and you will have to work hard,” you can suggest to him to say: “We have received a large order, and we will have to work hard.”

This pronoun “we” unites the speaker with the listeners; the construction “I” - “we”, on the contrary, separates them, contributes to the emergence of confrontation, and facilitates the possibility of conflict.

The essence of the “we-approach” is most accurately formulated by R. Kipling in the fairy tale “Mowgli”: “You and I are of the same blood!”

4. And now about the second problem: how to criticize your interlocutor so that he does not get offended? You can recall the use for these purposes of a compliment in form and criticism in content (see “About knights, dinosaurs and compliments”).

American communication specialist D. Carnegie gives the following advice:

“Start with praise and sincere recognition of the other person’s strengths.”

“Point out the mistakes of others not directly, but indirectly.” “Talk about your own mistakes first, and then criticize your interlocutor.”

But there is another technique - the so-called “I-messages” (Some authors call them “I-messages”).

Their essence is as follows: instead of a condemning assessment of the interlocutor’s action, one expresses one’s emotional state that arose as a result of it.

Instead of saying: “As much as possible! You always speak so arrogantly! You always sit defiantly on a chair, like Napoleon!” - it’s better to say: “When you talk like that and sit with your arms crossed, I feel humiliated!” It’s hard to be offended by such a phrase: after all, a person does not evaluate our actions, but expresses his feelings, in which he is fundamental! - can't be wrong. He feels that way and that’s it! Is it possible to be offended that a person feels one way and not another? If only for yourself.

Of course, speaking with the help of “You-condemns” is much easier than looking for “I-messages,” and it seems that such phrases are more effective." And what?.. “You are a fool!” - and everything is clear. But this is an illusion "You-condemns" rarely achieve their goal, and even when they give, at first glance, a positive effect, they are still a time bomb that, sooner or later, will explode someday. But some efforts to rebuild oneself on the "I-" messages" pay off handsomely.

Naturalist's Notes

An episode that I had to witness emerges from my memory.

My colleague, still a student at that time, published articles in the city newspaper about the problems of the formation of the psychosexual “I” in young children, in which he tried to answer the questions that arose from the position of Freud’s psychoanalysis. The articles generated very controversial reviews with a predominance of negative ones.

And so we met in the corridor of the institute with his teacher, associate professor.

I've been wanting to talk about your articles for a long time! I myself read Freud and not only “The Psychology of the Unconscious” (a collection of his works published at that time), and I disagree with you in many respects. I knew you as a capable student who could think independently, but is it possible to interpret Freud so freely! - and then follows the logical basis for her critical comments.

But two words from this speech allowed me to understand what is behind these arguments against: disagreement in essence or something else, only covered with logical reasoning. “As a student” and “freely”. He was a good student, but is it really possible to act so “freely” and publish articles based on Freud (and being associated with him was then considered a sign of some “elitism”), which the assistant professor “she herself read” and “not only...”! Two words - and the whole answer.

Paying attention to these "key" words can be a big help when we want to know what's really behind our boss's or spouse's dissatisfaction.

If we analyze all the rules and techniques of attraction, we can come to the conclusion that they are based on understanding and taking into account the inner world of the interlocutor in communication. In practice, it turns out that this is a very difficult matter.

1. At one psychological communication training, such a task was given. The group members answered the question: “Prostitution: good or evil?” (This topic was chosen specifically: the high emotional intensity of the problem, the existence of a fairly clear stereotype in public opinion, relevance).

But it was necessary to express not my personal opinion, but to consider the problem from the point of view of one of the proposed roles, trying to get used to it as deeply as possible: women - mothers and wives, men - husbands and fathers, single men and women, priests, prostitutes, locksmiths , professor, collective farmer, representative of older generations, teenager, etc. The training participants were able to penetrate well into the inner world of their characters.

As a result of the discussion, they came to the conclusion: there is no one common “rightness”; everyone turned out to be convincing and, from the point of view of the role they played, right. And some even encountered the fact that the opinion they defended for their character turned out to be just as correct as their own, which was exactly the opposite.

The group members formulated an important idea: there is no truth in general, for everyone, the truth is always someone else’s, which means:

It is not for nothing that one of the wise remarked: “Categoricalness is a sign of limitation.”

This task was aimed at developing what psychologists call cognitive complexity (“cognitive” means “cognitive”),” the ability to see multiple points of view and take into account all shades and nuances.

Cognitive complexity/simplicity is a very important characteristic of a person’s personality, which has a huge impact on his communication. A cognitively complex person always tries to understand and take into account our opinion, avoids categorical judgments, and sees all the subtleties in our behavior and state. On the contrary, a cognitively simple interlocutor sees the world only within the framework of the “white-black” opposition, he rarely doubts, he always has the only “correct” answer to the most complex and confusing questions.

Interesting observations were made by American psychologists who studied the speeches of politicians and people’s perception of their speeches. It turned out that during calm and favorable periods for the country, political statements are constructed with a fairly high degree of cognitive complexity, with attempts to take into account the points of view and interests of various social groups. But as soon as a crisis comes, speeches become more and more cognitively simple, reaching a peak before a war or during interethnic conflicts, when all problems are shoved into the plane of the scheme: “There are “ours” - good, and there are “they” - enemies, strangers , bad." And in our country, the speeches of radicals on both sides do not differ in their ability to objectively see the situation.

On the other hand, it turned out that the majority of the population (but not all!) are more sympathetic to cognitively simple politicians, apparently because their programs are extremely clear, and people are usually too lazy to rack their brains about something. Let us remember under what slogans the Bolsheviks took power: “Peace to the peoples!”, “Land to the peasants!” etc. Much simpler and clearer for the darkest peasant!

One day, a young married couple came to our reception who were about to file for divorce. Their problem, as it turned out, was that the husband was simply unable to do anything on his own: make some important decision, do household chores, etc. The husband, offended by the accusations, demanded a divorce, although the wife started the conflict.

After a long conversation, the assumption was confirmed that this trait in the husband’s character was laid down by his parents, who protected him - with the best, it would seem, intentions! - from all problems, so much so that he never learned to do anything without someone’s supporting and insuring hand. So the lack of independence was rather not his fault, but a misfortune.

The wife, of course, was not particularly worried about all these subtleties; she saw one thing: the husband was a complete mattress. At first she put up with it, but then she got tired of it, and she began to express all this to his face. The husband defended himself as best he could and found reasons to reproach her. And they rolled together into the abyss, deep down in their souls passionately wanting to be together.

The first thing I had to do was to show everyone that the other was also right from his point of view. The wife, of course, is not obliged, as a lawyer, to search for excuses for her husband’s lack of independence; she has every right to simply live and be able to rely on her husband in everything. On the other hand, the husband has every right to say: “Yes, that’s who I am! And I want to remain myself! In the end, she decided for herself and knew who she was marrying!” (Which he successfully did at our reception). Below is a short excerpt from the conversation.

Psychologist: It turns out like this: everyone is right from their own point of view, and communication becomes more and more like torture. To continue to insist on either of the two points of view is tantamount to suicide. But there is a third one - the “family point of view”. It does not coincide with any of your points of view and, strangely enough, is not a simple unification or even a compromise between them. But it reflects the interests of each of you and corresponds to your main, deepest desires. From this “family point of view,” Igor’s shortcoming is not his personal fault, for which Vita has every right to reproach him, but the misfortune of YOUR FAMILY. And since this is a family problem, then the only way out of it can be a joint one. You say, Vita, that Igor cannot decide anything on his own, that he is like a child. But for a child to learn to walk, he needs to walk. And fall. "By falling and getting up, we grow." Is not it? Where does this independence come from if Igor has never before had to find himself in a situation where he needs to do something himself, if he has never had to deal with problems?

And admit it. Vita. Instead of giving him the opportunity to finally try, for the sake of your own peace of mind, you did everything yourself: it was both faster and more reliable. And now you accuse him of lack of independence!

Wife (embarrassed): Yes...

Psychologist: You try it, take a risk, and ask him to go to the market and buy what he needs. And it’s nonsense if for the first time he brings stones instead of potatoes. Look at it from the “family point of view”: it wasn’t him who failed, but the two of us. And the second time you give good instructions, and Igor will bring excellent potatoes. And the same goes for everything else...

This is how this chronic conflict was overcome and a good family was preserved. (The names in the analyzed story have, of course, been changed.) We see that a one-dimensional, “flat” (cognitively simple) view from the position of only one’s point of view often turns out to be ineffective in communication between people. The “volume” (cognitively complex) approach allows us to find ways to mutual understanding.

By the way, within a married couple, there are actually 9 points of view, and if there is at least one child, their number increases to 28, and this is not counting the points of view of the mother-in-law, mother-in-law, grandfather, Marya Ivanovna at work, etc. It is impossible, and not necessary, to see problems from all these points of view at once, but the desire for multidimensionality is necessary - this is the key to success in communication. Cognitive complexity is ultimately the basis for the effectiveness of using the attraction techniques described in this chapter - the art of pleasing people.

What a Psychoanalyst Would Say... and Notes from a Naturalist

One day I was working while sitting at my desk. He smoked and shook the ashes into a nearby ashtray. When a sufficiently large number of cigarette butts had accumulated in it, a strong and very unpleasant tobacco smell began to emanate from it. After a while, I got up to take a walk and was about to leave the table, when I accidentally waved my hand as I walked and threw the ashtray straight onto the floor. She shattered into small pieces.

It is certain that my unconscious, this time too, fulfilled a hidden desire: to remove the unpleasant-smelling ashtray - and did it in a very radical way: breaking it into pieces - and with incredible dexterity, without touching a standing vase of flowers, a glass, or a bottle of lemonade.

A characteristic feature of such “destructive” actions associated with the fulfillment of our hidden desires is the calmness with which we view their results. In addition, in such situations, you can always ask yourself the question: “Why did you do this?” (Talking to yourself as “you” helps to get an answer.)

To summarize, let us remember the basic rules and mechanisms of attraction - the art of pleasing people.

I. Basic law of attraction. Give gifts to the Child and do not tease the Parent of your interlocutor.

II. 15 second rule. The basis of the interlocutor’s attitude towards us is laid in the first 15 seconds of communication with him.

III. The rule of three "pluses". To make a favorable impression on your interlocutor, you need to give him three “pluses” at the beginning of the conversation and at the end of it.

Possible advantages:

1. Smile

A sincere, friendly smile is the way to the heart of your interlocutor.

2. Compliment

a) Indirect praise is not given to the person himself, but to what is dear to him.

b) “minus-PLUS”, first a small “minus” is given, and then a huge “PLUS”.

c) Comparison with something closest to the person giving the compliment:

"I would like to have a son like you..."

d) Compliment-criticism - a compliment is made in form, and criticism is made in content.

"It's thanks to you..." -

answer formula.

Z. Name of the interlocutor

The name of the interlocutor is the sweetest and most important sound for him in any language.

4. Instilling importance

Formula: “I would like to consult with you...”

IV. Be a good listener.

Talk about what interests your interlocutor.

V. Installation

Attitude is a person’s unconscious willingness to act in a certain way.

Installation effects:

1. Primacy effect

The first information about a new person turns out to be more important than the subsequent one.

"The 10 second rule."

2. Novelty effect

Only new information about a well-known person is interesting.

3. Boomerang effect

Obsession breeds rejection.

4. Halo effect

Uncritical perception of a person

Of course, the techniques of attraction - the art of pleasing people - should be used in a comprehensive manner. You shouldn't hope that using any one of them will give stunning results.

Sometimes there are people who strive to master communication techniques in order to then use this knowledge for their own selfish purposes. Such plans are ignoble, and most importantly - unpromising: no naked methods of attraction can compensate for the lack of the main thing - sincere and benevolent interest in people. It was only Ostap Bender, the great schemer created by the talent of Ilf and Petrov, who could achieve success by manipulating people, but real life is far from being a work of art, and we are not as naive as the heroes of the immortal creations that surrounded the son of a Turkish subject.

Sergey Deryabo, Vitold Yasvin, "Grandmaster of Communication"

hypocrite 17.07.2011 22:30

I would like to express my deepest gratitude to the authors of the article for posting it. Everything is presented in the most accessible way and, more importantly, is successfully applied in practice! I am very grateful - I think, like everyone else, who paid attention to this article.

Elya 20.08.2011 09:16

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Galia 28.08.2011 17:05

I would like to express my gratitude for the article. Indeed, the ability to please people is an art that must be learned and constantly practiced. Why isn't this taught in school?

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