Sometimes we ask so much that we ourselves are asking for refusal, says famous psychotherapist and relationship specialist Esther Perel. Because we are sure in advance that we will be refused. Sometimes we voice our request in such a tone as if we already know what we will hear in response. Sometimes we construct a question incorrectly, including criticism of our partner’s actions. (“Vasya, vacuum up, otherwise the whole carpet is covered in your crackers again”). We ask as if there is something more behind this request. As if we mean something else besides a simple request to do this and that.
Let's do without subtext
What makes us do this? The supplicant is a rather vulnerable character, so telling your partner that you need something from him is scary. But part of what relationships are about is meeting each other's needs. The request is really tangled up in a whole tangle of other things. How confident are we in our own worth? What is the history of our relationship? Is there trust in our couple?
If as a child you always heard: “No, you won't get that! Why do you need it?",- then now you find it difficult to ask and even understand what you need from a relationship, and this is worth working on.
Esther says she gives her patients this exercise. They must voice their request over and over again, but with different intonations, emphasizing one word or another. For example, the phrase “Aren’t you going to the cinema with me tomorrow?” can mean: “Could you come with me, I’ll be glad?” - if pronounced as: “You won’t go with me tomorrow to the cinema ? Or “Well, of course, you won’t go, why am I even asking,” if you say: “You don't go to the cinema with me tomorrow? In the second case, you seem to tell the man: “I already know that you will refuse.”
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If you want your partner to meet you halfway, do not put any subtext into the request. Be direct about what you are asking for.
A request is not an accusation
Ask yourself: why are you asking? To get what you want, or to have a row from the heart? If you say: “We never go anywhere! I haven’t been to the cinema in a hundred years!”, - then what is your true goal: to persuade your partner to have a fun weekend or to accuse him of being a worthless husband or boyfriend? If you really want to watch the film, then it’s better to say: “Let’s see which cinemas it’s showing in and what time – maybe we’ll find a convenient showing?”
The request may sound like a statement: “It will be much easier for me if you warn me when you are late so that I don’t worry.” “I will be so glad if you come with me to my parents’ anniversary.” This will let him know how important he is to you and that he can make you happy. People love such requests: it makes them feel needed and loved.
Often men react poorly to women’s requests precisely because they contain a reproach: he is doing everything wrong, not doing what he should, etc. And they refuse simply because they begin to defend themselves. Often, a guy who says, “I want to find another woman, no questions asked,” really means that he wants to find a woman who doesn’t try to make him “feel like an incompetent nobody all the time.” Nobody wants to feel guilty all the time.
Show him you appreciate him
An important part of asking is the ability to show your partner that you are truly grateful for what he does for you, that you do not take it for granted. “Oh, how great you fixed the zipper on my bag! Thank you so much! Can you fix the boot?”- this is not at all the same as “Your favorite boots have been lying around for six months, you can’t fix them, but the workshop wants more money than they cost. Why should I wear sandals in winter?”
Learn to ask easily and naturally
Yes, asking is an art that needs to be learned. When you learn to freely formulate what you need, the request will no longer sound as if your whole life depends on it.
Of course, we must be prepared for the fact that not all our requests will be fulfilled. You asked, he refused, you were a little upset - well, forget it, let's move on. This is normal in a healthy relationship: when everyone can calmly ask for something, the other can agree or refuse, and the next time you calmly ask for something again. “Let's go to the Petrovs? - No, sorry, I’m tired during the week, I want to rest on Saturday. - Oh, okay, I’ll go. I'll bring you a piece of their signature pie. - Fine. Say hello to them!”
If you don't ask for anything, you won't get anything. In this article you will find tips on how to ask other people for something you want, be it an item, a service, a promotion, etc.
Find the right time
Choose a time when your request is guaranteed to be heard. People tend not to listen when they are angry, under stress, or have had a long, hard day, such as at work. If you want to ask effectively, you need to be good at timing. This is especially important when talking to a partner, when asking for a raise from your boss, or even during an argument with a friend.
Practice asking
Develop the habit of asking. This is exactly the same as muscle training. The more you do it, the better you become at it, and the easier it becomes. As with most things, practice allows you to develop and maintain certain skills, as well as the opportunity to develop a more neutral or even positive outlook on things.
Feel confident
It all starts with self-love and ends with it. You can't find a voice that will convince other people of what you say if you don't initially believe that you deserve it. If you are not confident in yourself, it will be visible to everyone around you, and they will be much less motivated to do what you ask, even if it is just a small thing. Moreover, if you grew up in an environment that lacked love, especially self-love, even asking for extra ketchup on your burger can be quite confrontational. And it is the lack of self-love that creates conflict.
Try a softer approach
It all depends on how exactly you ask. You can try framing your request as a question rather than a demand. For example, instead of telling your boss that you deserve a raise, ask him if he thinks you deserve a raise. If the answer is negative, ask what you need to do differently to earn what you want. Don't take a negative response as a dead end. Stay curious. Find out how the person you're talking to defines the outcome you're looking for, and then get down to business.
Give back
When appropriate, offer something in return. Make it an energy exchange. In the case of a relationship, if you want your partner to start treating you differently, you should first ask him if there is anything he would like to ask of you. Find a way to make an equal exchange so that you create a compromise rather than demand it.
Be sincere
You should be sincere about your emotions. Don't act like you're confident when you're not. People can see right through you. Your emotions and weaknesses will allow people to better connect with your ideas.
Don't waste your words
Be clear about your message and present your request as simply as possible. When you express your wants and needs, you should always speak directly and not beat around the bush.
Know that your needs matter
Be kind to yourself and express your needs and desires to achieve happiness. Many people try to be kind to others, but they are rarely kind to themselves. Your needs matter, so you should express them.
Dedicate time and effort to romantic relationships
Although many people think that intimate communication is intimidating or scary, it is actually just a form of good general communication. The connection between good communication, marital satisfaction and sexual satisfaction is clear.
Work on your social skills
It is very important to know how people look at you when you ask them for something. Be available. Shaking hands properly, maintaining eye contact, being polite, keeping up the conversation, using proper language, and knowing your strengths that you use will help you increase your likelihood of success when asking someone for something.
Give up feeling of guilt
Many people, when they ask for something they want, feel like they are being rude or selfish. However, in reality the opposite is true. If you ask for what you want, in the gym, in bed, in relationships, etc., you will be able to better understand your true personality and your desires.
Imagine the worst outcome
To help you cope with your fear, before you ask for what you want, you can ask yourself what the worst outcome could be and allow your mind to evaluate it. For example, if you want to ask your boss for a raise, what's the worst possible outcome? Will you get yelled at, fired, and never find a job again? The likelihood of this happening is zero, so knowing that your greatest fear will never come true can put your mind at ease.
How to get what you want? How to make people fulfill your requests easily and with pleasure?
Here are the 5 basic steps to making a request that can't be refused.
1. Express admiration for the person you are addressing.
2. Ask for what you need.
3. Find out if the person has the ability to help you.
4. Explain what you want and determine the necessary costs.
If the person you contacted agreed to help you, then you must clearly explain what you need. It is necessary to clearly state what you are asking for and what result you want to get. It would seem that this is clear to everyone. But, for sure, each of you has been in a situation when the question: “What do you want?” You could not clearly define what exactly you needed.
The person you are asking for something becomes confused and experiences not the most pleasant emotions. Therefore, it is important to clearly express your request. Think in advance what you need and what result you want to get. And based on this, formulate your request. For example, “Please give me two hours. I need your help to figure out this new technology."
What should the correct explanation of your desire contain?
- The end result you want to get. I want to figure it out, I want to understand, I want to go, etc., that is, the result that you want to get in the end.
- The time it takes to achieve the desired result.
You need to know how much time you are asking the other person to give you. Everything is always measured by time. It’s not for nothing that they say: “Time is money.” One hour, two hours, a week, a month. Measure your performance over time.
- Attachments.
Decide what you need to achieve this request. For example, “I want to go to study in 2 months, and for this I need this amount.”
And another important point. If you make a request to a person, it is assumed that the person has this amount and has the opportunity to help you.
It turns out that your request has several criteria and is expressed in effectiveness, the time you want to spend on it and the resources you need.
Here's another example. “I would like you to help me prepare for the interview, if, of course, you have an hour of time and the opportunity to show me step by step how the interview is given.” When you clearly convey what you want, the person you ask weighs his strengths and capabilities.
5. Thank the person in advance.
Even if he refuses you. It doesn't matter. After all, very often, people do good deeds and help others not only for the sake of some visible benefit that can be calculated. Very often this is a moral benefit, the gratitude that a person will receive by fulfilling your request. It most often sounds like this: “If you can help me, I will be extremely grateful to you.” Although there are actually many ways to give thanks.
Of course, gratitude can be expressed financially, it can be money, as the most basic way to pay. In addition, these may be some of your services. Or maybe opportunities, connections or knowledge. You can offer anything as a thank you.
Thus, the person whose help you are asking for will have the feeling that you are not just wasting your time and his. And his knowledge, efforts, aspirations and desires will not just disappear into oblivion. After all, in fact, it is extremely important for a person to feel that what he gives is beneficial.
So, once again briefly about the 5 stages of a request that cannot be refused:
1. express admiration;
2. ask;
3. find out if the person has the opportunity to help you;
4. state the request taking into account the time spent, a clear result and the resources spent;
5. Specify in advance what kind of gratitude you can offer to a person who agrees to fulfill your request.
Everything is very simple. And this scheme works great. Surely you have encountered this more than once in your life, and it really works and brings results.
"Ask, and it shall be given you"
Matthew 7:7
“I myself” - for many women today these words have become the real motto of life. As they say, stop a galloping horse and enter a burning hut... It so happened (and historically as well) that women, especially Russian-speaking women, are accustomed to taking on a significant part of the responsibilities not only in the family, but also at work, and patiently carry this burden on fragile women's shoulders, sincerely believing that others will not do better. And in relationships with men, this is the most common problem. And as a result, women simply forget how to ask for, and, accordingly, receive help, support, and services.
However, it also happens that a woman wants to ask, but does not do it, thinking that it is somehow awkward, ugly, that she does not want to be refused or cause inconvenience to others or look needy, imperfect, dependent, who cannot cope with herself. their tasks. We are women like that - we scroll through a million possible scenarios in our heads before we decide to take even one step. Additionally, knowing how to ask for and accept and interpret rejection is essential if you are an entrepreneur.
I learned to ask correctly when I was left alone with my little daughter in my arms in a foreign country. This skill has directly impacted my personal life and business. Of course, I could, with my head held high, independently solve all my problems, of which there were many, and never ask anyone for anything, but I chose a different path - more natural for a woman. I asked for a little help, asked for support, asked for small favors. Moreover, it was at that moment that I started my very first online business and began to establish partnerships with high-ranking people. To my great surprise, they happily responded to my requests, and if I did not receive an answer, then I asked again. It was scary, awkward, uncomfortable. So what to do? We had to move forward. But I asked not only from people, but also from the Universe itself - and as a result, it gave me everything I dreamed of, and even more.
Since then, I have forever understood two important things for myself: you must be able to sincerely ask and sincerely give. Then we are all given to each other to lend a helping hand at the right time and be there. And at the same time, you need to be prepared to hear a refusal - after all, people have every right to either show you a favor or refuse. And in order for your requests to be heard and for you to hear refusals as little as possible, you need to know how to ask correctly and at the same time feel great.
1. Express your request politely and openly.
Always speak honestly and openly about your desires and requests, even if you understand that you may be refused. Don't manipulate people by showing with all your appearance that you will be offended if they don't do what you ask. Instead of veiledly demanding that your request be fulfilled, politely and openly ask for help. If the request is about your business, sincerely sharing your big plans and enthusiasm will inspire people and make them even more willing to help you.
2. Ask in a calm, soft and kind voice.
Often people (especially men) may refuse a request because they perceive it as an order. Any person will feel wounded in such a situation and will react coldly to such a request. Therefore, if you want to increase your chances of getting what you want a hundredfold, ask softly, calmly, and kindly. Not a single person, and in particular a man, will remain indifferent to such a woman’s request. If you receive a refusal, under no circumstances react to this with aggression and anger, just take it as another chance to repeat your request.
4. Speak or write clearly and specifically.
Vague requests lead to vague results. And some people, out of fear of asking, begin to beat around the bush, tell long back stories about what caused the request itself, etc. This is ineffective - if a person initially wanted to help, then everything that accompanies this request already irritates him. Say clearly what exactly you need and when. This is especially true for requests addressed to men, and doubly especially if your relationship is just beginning, because they do not understand hints.
Translating this into the business sphere, from my experience I will say that if you yourself are not 100% sure of what you are doing and what you are asking for, if you are not ready to provide clear details, plans and specifics at your request, then to you won't be taken seriously. Prepare as much as possible for the request and you will get what you want.
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Often it is very difficult for us to ask someone for something because we are afraid of refusal. On the other hand, it can be difficult for us to refuse, because it seems to us that we will offend the person. Thus, request and refusal become not just a tool for achieving a goal, but also a source of complexes and psychological problems.
UNIVERSAL FORMULAS OF REQUEST AND REFUSAL
But all this happens only in our heads: we put more into a request than just a request, and when we hear a refusal, we hear more than just a refusal. All this is projected onto our attitude towards a person, his towards us, and is perceived precisely in this context. And therefore, agreeing to an uncomfortable request just “not to offend the person”, that is, to maintain a relationship with him, we suffer both because we endure inconvenience, and because an unpleasant feeling is brewing inside us towards the person causing us these inconveniences. That is, we have achieved the opposite result: not wanting to offend him, we are offended ourselves. And the relationships that we tried to preserve in this way are showing an invisible crack. Who is a trouble-free person? Someone who likes to provide services to other people, who has a lot of extra money and nowhere to spend time? But no! This is a person who does not want to not only quarrel with anyone, but at least to allow the slightest discomfort in the relationship. And often this happens due to lack of self-confidence. Somewhere in the depths of his soul sits this thought: because if I refuse... they will stop being friends with me!
And the other person will sit and suffer from his helplessness (he got sick, got into a difficult situation), and there will be many people nearby who would be happy to help him. But how is it possible to ask just like that? Do they need it? And I will strain them, and they will refuse me, I will be upset. And again, a whisper from childhood: if I do this, they will stop being friends with me!
But if we make the procedure itself technological, that is, we deprive both the request and the refusal of an unnecessary psychological background, we remove this tension from the situation, perhaps it will become easier for us. After all, if a person is not afraid of being rejected, he has exactly 50% more opportunities.
According to probability theory, the prospect of a positive response to your request is 50%. If we don’t ask, then we deprive ourselves of these 50% of situations that are favorable for ourselves.
HELP ME OR YOU WILL BE REGRET!
Of course, our culture is such that we are taught from childhood that we need to be strong and rely only on ourselves. What am I going to ask someone for? Otherwise they will think that I am helpless! Remember the textbook: “Never ask for anything - they themselves will offer and give!”? On the one hand, in that particular case of Margarita and the person with whom she communicated, this strategy was probably correct. But from the point of view of everyday life, even in relationships between a man and a woman, it often does not work. Firstly, men often don’t even realize that they need to offer you their help, although they are happy when they can show their strength! But in order to give them the opportunity to help, you need to ask them about it. Women go to all sorts of tricks and manipulations to make them figure it out themselves, without any requests. And it turns out something like this parable. An elderly couple celebrates their golden wedding. In the morning they sit down to have breakfast, the wife takes fresh bread out of the oven... And then the husband says: “Darling, we have such a holiday... Can I ask you for one favor... I haven’t dared to ask you all my life, maybe even today in honor of the holiday... In In general, you bake amazingly delicious bread! And most of all I like the pink one! But I know that you like it, because you always take it... But today... can I eat it? The amazed wife replied: “Darling! To be honest, I don't really like the top! And the teeth are no longer the same. But you always took the middle, and I didn’t dare contradict you! I'd be happy to trade with you! It’s great that we finally confessed to each other!”
It's the same in the professional field. There are people who need approval, admiration, and demonstration of their professionalism. They will be happy to help, support, and share. But you have to ask them about it! And yes, to do this you will have to admit to yourself that you are not omnipotent.
It's the same in friendships. One friend says to another: “I have no one to leave my dog with, oh, I’m poor and unhappy, now I won’t be able to go on vacation!” The other, as an honest person, should say in this situation: “Leave her with me!” Very often we choose the path of manipulation because we do not want to take responsibility., so we’d rather complain and pry: “What if he doesn’t offer help? What a bastard!” Instead of just getting down to business: “You stay with my dog, and I’ll meet you at the airport next time.”
Elena Lopukhina, a classic of Russian psychodrama, a psychologist, at one time taught me a lot from the point of view of the role relationships “Adult - Parent - Child”. This is all reflected in how we ask or respond to requests.
If we ask from the point of view of the Parent, it will be more like a kind of order. Help me! Immediately! And this will most often cause a negative reaction, because it puts a person in the position of a Child. And the Child automatically reacts in two ways: either he will pull his head into his shoulders and act out from under the stick, “before it starts,” or he will begin to kick out, demonstrating his power: “Why am I going to do this. Here's another! Do it yourself!” Although if you then ask the person, it turns out that he might not mind helping and doing.
Like in the joke where one person complains to a friend: “Imagine, I sent my son to study in the city, and he sends a telegram,” and reads it with an indignant intonation: “Dad, the money has come out!” No, I would kindly ask: “Dad, send me some money!” The first time Dad read this with the intonation of a Parent, and the second time - from the position of a Child: “Please, come out!” This is already the second extreme: well, buy ice cream, well, make it!
One day there was a girl with us on vacation who was twisting ropes out of her dad. She couldn’t ask directly: “Dad, buy me ice cream!” She always walked along mysterious paths. For example, we are walking in a group of ten people, dad is such a handsome officer, brave and courageous. And suddenly she says mournfully out loud: “It’s such a pity that my dad doesn’t have 20 rubles!” Moreover, she declares this to everyone around her, not to dad. “How is it not?” - Dad yells. “What, is there? Then buy me some ice cream!” - the girl immediately answers.
There are also adults who feel like they want to do something for them themselves, so as not to watch this creature suffer. Without money. Out of employment. No vacation. No joy.
But this is a long way that may not cause the reaction we want. And the Child’s position is precisely the most vulnerable, because it’s the most offensive if they didn’t help. “I asked and asked, but no one heard me!” “I was starving here (I didn’t sleep at night, I suffered, I suffered), and you didn’t even notice!” As the little boy said in the old movie: “I sleep and sleep here, but no one hears!”
"NO" IN THE LITERAL SENSE
The only constructive way is to ask from the position of an Adult, which is what Elena Lopukhina wrote about. The essence of the method is that we appeal to both the left and right hemispheres.
UNIVERSAL REQUEST FORMULA:
1. contact;
2. formulating a request;
3. rational justification (arguments);
4. justification of emotional significance;
5. indulgence (if you refuse, the relationship will remain the same).
Firstly, the main condition: we both are fine. Secondly, I clearly say what I need. Like Boris Grebenshchikov in one song: “If you want to say a word to me, try to use your mouth!” So: “I ask you to sit with my dog!” If I just end here, it will look like “Dad, give me money!”, that is, like a Parent. Therefore, I make sure to add arguments for the left hemisphere: for me this is very important for this and that reason. I need to find someone to look after my dog while I'm away. Then I explain why this is important to me. Because I really want to leave, but I have nowhere to take my dog, I’m so looking forward to this vacation, but I’m worried about my dog, what will happen to her while I’m away. All these are emotions, that is, arguments for the right hemisphere. And finally, a very important phrase: “If you refuse, I will understand!”
With this formulation, a person has no reason to refuse if he really does not have good reasons for this. I will refuse if I really cannot: I will not be there, or I will have guests myself.
Refusal from the position of the Parent: “No, that’s all! Who's in charge here? This position causes resentment and protest. "Why?" - “Yes, because! I said!" Refusal from the Child’s perspective: “Here, sitting with the dog, don’t I have anything else to do? Come on!” The child begins to take offense and sort things out.
“ADULT” REFUSAL FORMULA:
1. contact;
2. request;
3. clear refusal;
4. rational justification;
5. support: sympathy (I understand how you feel now) or regret (nothing personal, this is business).
Just like in the request, everything is fine with us, we have equal rights and respect each other. Second: the refusal must also be clear and unambiguous. The “no means no” attitude eliminates the need to think things through. Because we sometimes say: “I would love to, but I don’t have time right now!” What does a person hear? “Oh, that is, we can try tomorrow!” Or the person explains: “I’m not ready now!” - “When will you be ready?” Or: “I’ll think about it!” - “Okay, every day I’ll ask what you’re up to.” "I will write to you!" - “And so that you don’t forget about me, I will remind you every day. When will you write to me?” If we haven't said a clear no, it leaves the person with hope. We seem to have closed the door, but not all the way: sounds, smells come from our room, they tease us and force us to poke our heads into the door again and stomp on the threshold, instead of moving on. This position is unconstructive for both. Only capricious beauties who surround themselves with a crowd of admirers act this way. But it's a bit like playing Dynamo, isn't it?
Playing around with a refusal can actually cause much more harm, including emotional harm, than if you explain your “no”. But this is too harsh, you will object - and you will be right.
After the refusal, you need to present your arguments: an allergy to dog hair, a small child, and, in the end, tell me directly if you don’t like animals or are not ready to take on such responsibility! At the same time, be sure to add that you sympathize with him, but you have your own circumstances.
I assure you, your relationship will only benefit from this, by the way, as will your dog. Why would you give her to a friend who reluctantly agreed to look after her?
Psychology for Every Day, No. 12 (46) December 2010
Say “yes” and “no”!
http://psyh.ru/rubric/2/articles/659/