09:50 14.12.2015
Any conflict at work can be neutralized with the help of certain speech techniques that will not only extinguish negativity, but also lead to fruitful cooperation. Psychologist Marina Prepotenskaya offers techniques for resolving conflict situations.
Life without conflicts, alas, is impossible: in business, in everyday life, in personal relationships. Conflict (translated from Latin as “clash”) is almost inevitable between people and its cause is often mutually opposed, incompatible needs, goals, attitudes, values...
Someone eagerly gets involved in a communication war and tries with all his might to prove he is right and win the conflict. Some people try to avoid rough edges and are sincerely perplexed as to why the conflict does not go away. And someone calmly neutralizes the problem without aggravating it and without wasting energy, strength, and health.
We should take it for granted: there were, are and will be conflicts, but either they control us or we control them.
Otherwise, even a minor situational conflict can develop into a protracted war that poisons life every day... Most often, the conflict manifests itself in verbal aggression, since experiences and emotions are always a strong muscle clamp, and primarily in the larynx area.
The result is a scream, an inadequate reaction, severe stress, and the emotional involvement of an increasing number of people in the conflict.
Learn to resolve conflicts using simple situational speech techniques. In relation to the boss and a colleague of the same rank, different strategies are chosen, but you need to act solely according to the situation. Remember the suggested methods.
Neutralize!
- Awareness of conflict:the first and most important stage of neutralization. Learn to rationally assess the situation. At the moment when you realize that a conflict is brewing, do not involve emotions under any circumstances, leave the line of attack. If the situation allows, leave the room for a while, even if you are in the boss’s office. If etiquette allows, you can calmly add: “Sorry, I don’t speak in that tone” or “We’ll talk when you calm down, sorry.” Walk along the corridor, if possible, wash yourself with cold water - in order to neutralize the aggression within yourself, at least for a couple of minutes switch to a series of abstract physical actions.
- Pattern break: eIf a colleague or boss shows aggression towards you, use a simple sensory switching manipulation. “Accidentally” drop your pen, cough, you can say something completely abstract, for example: “It’s so stuffy in our room...” So aggression does not achieve its goal.
- Agree and... attack with questions! This is one of the ways to break the conflict pattern when accusations are thrown at you from the lips of your superiors, and, alas, not groundlessly. Agree on all points (here it is important not to overact and control your emotions). And then... ask for help. Say: “It’s hard for me because...”, “I’m very worried, tell me what I need to fix,” “give me advice,” etc. Ask clarifying open-ended questions that require a detailed answer - they save the situation.
- Complementarity works wonders. Is the person, for one reason or another, against you? Consult with him on work issues, appealing to his competence and professionalism (look for all his strengths). It is quite possible that the incident will be resolved very soon.
- Sniper Technique:Pretend you didn’t hear and ask again indifferently. Use inin the event that one of your colleagues deliberately provokes you and openly offends you with some phrases. As a rule, a person begins to get lost. Say: “You see, you can’t even clearly formulate your complaints or explain them. When you find the words, then we’ll talk face-to-face.”
- Time to drink tea! Really,many conflicts can indeed be reduced to nothing through a conversation over a cup of tea. With a colleague who you think dislikes you, the best thing to do is to have an honest conversation and ask a series of questions. For example: “What about me irritates you? Voice? Manner of speaking? Clothes? Weight? Let’s go.”Let's figure it out." This way, the conflict is translated into a constructive direction and, according to psychologists, this is the most civilized way of behavior. In a situation, if we feel that they dislike us, it is useful to find a convenient moment and have a heart-to-heart talk. Most often, conflicts are completely resolved this way. exhaust themselves, and in some cases we also learn to analyze our mistakes.
- Hit the enemy with his own weapon.You can explode in response and achieve a visible victory. But the result will be the same: instead of neutralization, there will be a chronic, protracted war: it is unlikely that you should spend time and effort on this. They can be directed to resolve the conflict.
Do not provoke and warn!
It's no secret that often we ourselves are to blame for conflicts. For example, you didn’t manage to submit an important report on time. In this case, it is best to approach your boss at the beginning of the day and say: “I understand that a conflict may occur, but such and such a situation happened to me.” And explain the reasons.
Such rhetoric can prevent the start of a “war.” Since the cause of every conflict is some incident or irritating factor, try to figure out what is happening, and in any situation (be it relationships with management, “ordinary” employees or subordinates) adhere to the golden rule of conflict management “I-statement.”
- Instead of blaming, convey your feelings. For example, say: “I feel uncomfortable” instead of: “You are nagging me, you are disturbing me, you are gossiping, etc.”
- If this is a showdown, say: “I’m worried, it’s difficult for me,” “I feel discomfort,” “I want to understand the situation,” “I want to find out.”
- It is very important to adapt to the experience of the person who initiates the conflict. If this is your boss, say the following phrases: “Yes, I understand you,” “This is a common problem,” “Yes, this upsets me too,” “Yes, unfortunately, this is a mistake, I think so too.”
It is extremely important to be able to listen and put yourself in a person’s place, to hear not so much what a person says, but to think why he says it that way.
In a boss-subordinate situation, a person can be brought to a rational level of communication by asking clarifying questions. This should be done if you are being picked on too much.
Are you being unfairly accused of being a bad employee? Confidently launch an attack with questions: “If I’m a bad worker, why are you telling me this right now?”, “Why am I a bad worker, explain to me.”
They tell you that you did a bad job - ask what exactly you didn’t do, clarify: “What exactly did I not do, I want to figure it out, I ask you: answer my question.” Remember that the one who asks the questions controls the conflict.
Complementing the image
Remember the main thing: in any conflict situation you must radiate calm. This will help you:
- confident intonation; Avoid notes of arrogance and irritation in your voice - such intonation in itself is conflict-generating. With those colleagues with whom you, for one reason or another, do not maintain friendly relations, choose a neutral-distance method of communication and a cold tone without deceitful sincerity (and without calling);
- a moderate rate of speech and a low timbre of voice are most pleasant to the ear. If you are talking to a person who does not have sympathy for you, adjust to his intonation and manner of speaking - this is favorable and neutralizes the desire to conflict;
- A glance at the area between the eyebrows in a conflict situation discourages the “attacker.” This optical focusing suppresses aggression;
- a straight (but not tense) back always puts you in a positive mood and gives you confidence. Psychologists say that straight posture increases self-esteem!
...It's no secret that conflict can be provoked by behavior, manner of speaking, dressing, lifestyle - the list goes on and on. All this depends on the worldview, upbringing of a person, his tastes, life attitudes and... internal problems.
In addition, there are words and topics that can ignite chronic conflict: politics, social status, religion, nationality, even age... Try not to touch on “sensitive” topics on fertile ground of conflict. For example, in a society of women with problems in their personal lives, it is advisable to brag less about their ideal husband...
You can create a list of warnings yourself by carefully assessing the atmosphere in the team. By the way, if you hear harsh phrases towards yourself, put your emotions aside, do not connect to the energy of the aggressor - simply ignore him.
Do you hear outright rudeness? Leave or neutralize, breaking the pattern.
Criticism to the point? Join in, speak words of support, if the situation allows, switch to complimentary language.
Unnecessary nitpicking? Go on the attack with clarifying, open-ended questions.
But the most important thing is to achieve inner peace. And, of course, never allow yourself to be drawn into “friendship against someone.” Show confidence, increase self-esteem, work on yourself - and you will be able to neutralize any negativity directed at yourself. And, what’s more, you can enjoy your work every day!
Read at your leisure
- Anatoly Nekrasov "Egregors"
- Eric Berne "Games People Play"
- Victor Sheinov "Conflicts in our lives and their resolution"
- Valentina Sergeecheva "Verbal karate. Strategy and tactics of communication"
- Lillian Glass "Verbal Self-Defense Step by Step"
Photo in text: Depositphotos.com
Quarrels are normal. This is a consequence of differences between two people. ✅ What matters is how partners will act afterwards to restore the relationship.
It's no secret that relationships have both good and bad days. And often after a quarrel, many couples simply do not know how to behave in the current situation and how to overcome the difficulties that have arisen. Want to learn more ways to connect with your partner? Then read on. Today we want to talk about just that!
How to establish a strong connection with your partner
Finding a reason to show your love, regardless of who was at fault, is definitely a good option. This will make your relationship warmer and more harmonious. By connecting with your partner, you will revitalize and improve your relationship.
1. Don't isolate yourself
When we argue and get angry, we often choose to withdraw and stay away from our partner. Get some privacy. Go to another room or even out of the house, slamming the door, looking for a suitable place.
But as you distance yourself from each other, you start screaming and swearing even more. This only makes the situation (and the conflict itself) worse.
And although at the moment of anger you are unlikely to experience any deep feelings for your partner, try to get closer. Physical contact is a great way to connect with your partner. Catching your eye, holding your hand, stroking your hair, hugging - all this activates positive emotions. You will immediately notice how the tone of the conversation becomes warmer and calmer, and the atmosphere is no longer so tense.
If the fight was too serious and you decide to spend some time alone, try to put these tips into practice as soon as you see your partner (for the first time after the conflict).
2. Control your body language
After a heated discussion or conversation in a raised voice, we can say something reconciling to smooth out the “sharp corners”. However, our body can still express discomfort and tension, which as a result will prevent us from restoring the broken connection with our partner.
For this reason, it is important to be able to identify and control the variety of gestures and postures that erect invisible barriers between you:
- Arms crossed over chest (closed pose)
- Head down
- Frowning facial expression (furrowed eyebrows)
Try to relax and look into your partner's eyes. If possible, smile. This way you will invite him to come closer to you (you will take the first step towards reconciliation). He will no longer be afraid of receiving a refusal or another reproach.
3. Keep a sense of humor
A little humor is another good way to reconnect with your partner.
In order to slightly defuse the tense atmosphere after a quarrel, it is important to remember your sense of humor. Of course, everything should be in moderation so that you are understood correctly. No sarcasm or ridicule. You need to feel this edge.
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After all, both men and women like it when their partner has a sense of humor. Then you can figure out everything that happened in an easy and semi-game form. You can joke or even put on your favorite comedy. Gradually you will feel calmer and more relaxed.
4. Goodbye
If you truly want to reconnect with your partner, forgiveness is the best thing you can do. And for it to really “work”, you need to forgive sincerely, from the bottom of your heart.
Forgiveness is a gesture of nobility that paves the way for a new relationship between partners. In addition, this is a path of acceptance that allows you to realize your own mistakes and analyze your behavior so as not to make them in the future.
Forgiveness does not mean defeat or admitting that your partner is right. Forgiving is giving a new opportunity to your relationship to develop.
5. Affection and affection should always be present.
Irritation and tension after a quarrel inevitably lead to distancing of partners. Temporary, but still. And in order to restore the connection, someone needs to take the initiative and get closer to the partner.
This is not the time for pride. It’s better to hug, kiss and say something reconciling and pleasant. Feel this moment while in the arms of your partner. After a conflict, this is the most comforting scenario for the development of events, which will help to quickly heal mental wounds.
And don’t forget to express your feelings verbally. It’s so easy to say: “I love you,” “I don’t want to quarrel with you,” “I want to talk calmly.” This way you can avoid escalating the conflict and make peace.
6. Sex
You've probably heard the expression "make-up sex" before. Of course, you shouldn't fight just because of this opportunity, but it is a great way to restore a broken connection with your partner.
It cannot be denied that complete reconciliation between partners occurs after sexual intercourse. This is due to the release of endorphins and a decrease in stress hormones.
That's why conversation after sex can be calm and easy. You suddenly discover that the problem no longer seems so serious to you. And find a solution for her.
Quarrels are normal. This is a consequence of differences between two people. What matters is how the partners act afterwards to restore the relationship. After all, love can do absolutely anything. Work on yourself. Don't let routine ruin your relationship and make it cold. There will always be problems and disagreements, it all depends on you. published .
P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness, we are changing the world together! © econet
In any relationship, misunderstandings and conflicts happen, this is inevitable. It is important to understand how to behave during a conflict situation.
You know that you can’t isolate yourself and you need to continue to communicate, discuss what you two didn’t like.
But... But when you quarrel, you still either retreat, or avoid each other, or continue to quarrel with renewed vigor.
Did you know that after going through a conflict situation, your relationship may become closer and more trusting? This happens because if everything is smooth in your relationship, you simply may not have enough emotions and experiences.
If in a conflict situation you prefer to distance yourself, then this increases the distance between you. On the contrary, experiencing a conflict together can help establish a close connection between you and increase the level of trust.
You solve a problem together, discuss it, worry about it, and then, together, find a way out.
I will tell you about some methods that may be useful to you at a time when there is a conflict in your couple. These methods will help you experience a conflict situation less painfully and, perhaps, even bring you closer.
What is self-regulation? In short, it is a person's ability to cope with stress and anxiety on their own, using only their internal resources, without relying on anyone else.
Self-regulation cannot serve as a universal tool for the reason that not every person is able to “get it together” and turn on the self-regulation mode when necessary. Often the situation unsettles us so much that it becomes simply impossible.
That is why self-regulation resources are very limited.
We are influenced and attuned to the emotional state of the person with whom we interact - this is a natural part of our relationships.
In the event of a violent reaction from your partner, you become even more wound up, your nerves are on edge, and you already perceive this seemingly insignificant problem as a “tragedy on a global scale.” Your partner conveyed his emotional stress to you, and you doubled it.
Try to remain calm while your partner expresses criticism, complaints, or dissatisfaction. Remember that even if your partner’s opinion on any issue seems absurd to you, it has a right to exist.
By taking his opinion into account, you show him that you hear him.Feeling your support and participation, he will know that he can turn to you for help and participation. And that you can listen to him when he needs it.
By following these rules, you can easily get out of the conflict.
The first tool is reflective listening.
Even though the technique may seem strange to you when you start it, it works.
Its essence is this: if your partner expresses his dissatisfaction with you, you listen to him, after a few sentences begin to express your point of view, but do not defend yourself, do not turn your speech into a monologue. Do this several times every couple of sentences.
You listen to your partner in order to better understand his inner world and problems, to find out what is really important to him and what is secondary and does not play a special role. And during an argument, we have a unique opportunity to understand and learn from the experience of another person. And this is terribly interesting.
The second tool (don't be surprised!) has to do with how you breathe.
The vagus nerve, the largest nerve with many functions, is responsible for connecting the mind to the body. It is also responsible for a person’s resistance to stressful situations.
One great exercise for strengthening the vagus nerve: try to exhale a little longer than you inhale. For example, inhale for a count of 6, and exhale for a count of 9 or 10. Do this exercise every day for literally 5 minutes, and also in moments when you are nervous and worried.
The third tool is an exercise that can help you deal with anger.
At the first sign that you are becoming worried or angry, sit down with your palms facing up. Opening your palms symbolizes that you are letting go of your anger.
Do this as early as possible before your mind is taken over by negative emotions. Anger is a very strong emotion that is truly very difficult to let go of.
Remember - there is always a choice. You may know that you are right and confront your partner. Or let go of the situation by accepting his point of view.
In the first case, do not forget that skillful management of a conflict situation and constructive dialogue is the choice of reasonable people.
Instructions
The first thing to remember during a conflict is that it must be resolved somehow, sooner or later. Such understanding will give you the opportunity to look at the situation from the outside and see the full picture of what is happening. To do this, you need to remain calm, monitor your emotions, not get angry or do anything that could escalate the conflict. Instead of trying to show the fallacy of the position of the other side of the conflict, think about what you can do to resolve the current situation.
It is impossible to resolve a conflict if you do not listen to what the other side says. If you want the conflict situation to disappear, listen carefully to what they tell you, otherwise your answers will be completely unsubstantiated, and the dispute will continue and escalate. You may hear a lot of unpleasant words addressed to you. Remember that emotions and anger on the part of the opponent are an attempt to defend themselves; perhaps he is not fully aware of his speech at this moment. Your job is not to take such words too seriously and try to find out what exactly his position is. After some time the person will calm down. Without encountering resistance from you, he will begin to speak at a calm pace, his position will become more and more clear.
Try to be as tactful as possible when expressing your arguments. Your words should not be perceived as an attempt to fight off your opponent. Present your arguments so that the person will pay attention to them, and not to your emotional state. You can also maintain your opponent’s concentration on the subject of the dispute by using a reasonable amount of doubt about your position. Allow for the possibility that someone else’s point of view is right, say that you both have something to discuss in order to resolve the current situation.
If you have a conflict with someone at work, never get personal with them. You should concentrate on the subject of the dispute, and not on fighting the person himself. A conflict situation is characterized by strong emotional intensity. Some people in such a situation find it easier to attack the other person than to try to communicate with him. Do not allow such developments to happen.
Ask the right questions. If you are in conflict with a work colleague or customer, do not ask him questions that require explanations from him. For example, don't start your questions with "why." Such questions can be perceived as interrogation. Let the person decide for themselves how they will convey their point of view to you. Ask questions that will sound like an invitation to conversation. For example, ask your opponent what his position is, what he thinks about your words, how he sees the conflict situation, etc.
Psychologies: Why are we afraid of conflict?
Andrey Koenig: Our fear has only one reason: conflict is associated with negative feelings. This is a way out of your comfort zone. We don't like leaving her, it seems destructive. And since modern man does not have a culture of staying in these destructive processes, he strives to be comfortable all the time and runs away from conflict.
But many people associate conflict with violence, scandals, shame...
Conflict does not mean hysteria, screaming and showdowns. This is a confrontation that benefits all parties. Everyone needs to practice this form of relationship from time to time. If someone violates your interests, you need to start a confrontation. There are people who are conflict-free, trouble-free, and agree to everything. But they are the most traumatized: they do not have their own territory, energy, because those around them take advantage of it all. What does it look like? The man hit his finger and got hurt - it hurts.
Modern man is not trying to heal his finger, he is trying to avoid pain. He starts blowing, says: “Give me pain relief,” asks when the pain will stop. That is, for him pain is a synonym for the word “problem”. As long as there is pain, there is a problem. Actually this is not true. Pain is synonymous with healing. And the conflict is the same story.
Conflict is necessary when the system requires rapid development
When a person becomes uncomfortable, this does not mean that something is going wrong. This means that he is in conflict and the conflict requires him to behave slightly differently than in ordinary constructive, confidential communication. This is an adaptive reaction. But we don’t like it, and instead of adapting to the surrounding reality, we often try to simply stop feeling bad.
But why does a conflict situation arise?
There are three types of situations that lead to conflict. The first is when our boundaries are violated: physical, psychological, whatever - and then we need to indicate to the world around us where they pass. Literally and figuratively say: “No! You can’t come here, this is my territory!” This problem can only be solved through conflict; no other form of communication works here. The function of the conflict here is to protect borders.
The second situation is stagnation, when some problem needs to be solved in the system, but the participants lack the strength and motivation to do so. For example, stagnation in family relationships: partners lose interest in each other. And then the conflict can provide the energy that they lack. One, for example, cheats, the second eventually cannot stand it and explodes. They will quarrel to smithereens and in the end either separate or come to an agreement. Oddly enough, more often than not they come to an agreement, and the relationship is refreshed.
Sometimes relationships cannot be improved without conflict.
And finally, the third option is that conflict arises when the system needs to develop very quickly. And the fastest growth occurs in an aggressive, opposing environment. If we take it on a national scale, the highest rate of development of scientific and technical potential is observed during wars. The same is true at the level of interpersonal contacts. For example, when boys grow up, they very quickly learn to fight in competition for girls or to find an approach to teachers at school, competing for grades.
Are there rules for resolving conflict?
The first thing you need to do is stop being afraid of him. Secondly, there is no need to be afraid of ruining relationships by entering into confrontation. Sometimes relationships cannot be established in any other way. We fought as children so that we could become friends. For some reason, when we become adults, we forget about this. Who will need me if I am not able to indicate why I am valuable, what are my interests? Only when others begin to take this into account will healthy relationships arise. The third point: when entering into a conflict, you need to clearly understand that you have a task that you are trying to resolve in this way. The problem is solved - the conflict comes to naught. This is a healthy flow of the situation. But when the parties do not understand their tasks, the conflict can drag on.
A long-term conflict is already a pathological situation. Then we spend too much energy maintaining it, and there is no energy left to solve the problem. Depression and psychosomatic disorders begin. Another typical variant is “sofa-TV sickness,” when a person is “nailed” to the sofa and TV and says that he doesn’t need anything else in life. It is almost impossible to get out of this state on your own.
Isn't a respectful attitude towards the other side required?
What do you mean - respect for a person or for his point of view? These are different things. You can respect a person or not, but there can be no respect for someone else’s point of view in a conflict. After all, what is respect? This means assigning high value. Conflict communication presupposes that we stop assigning high value to someone else’s point of view. We are fighting with her. If we start in a conflict based on the interests of the other side, we will always lose. The beauty of conflict is that it allows us to give value back to our own point of view. When we realize what is important to ourselves, we come to an agreement much faster than if we stand on ceremony and try to reach an amicable agreement.
Does this even apply to relationships with loved ones?
Certainly. Crises are inevitable. For example, any couple experiences a crisis in the first year of marriage due to the accumulation of differences. No matter how well the partners treat each other, no matter how they adapt, after about a year the stage of confrontation begins. Because they have become closer and, accordingly, hurt each other more often. And precisely in order to form a more caring attitude towards each other, they need to define boundaries: this is how I feel uncomfortable, this is unpleasant. Throughout family life, partners go through crisis points and manage relationships through conflict.
But we usually teach children to solve problems peacefully. So we teach them to suppress conflict?
If parents tell a child not to show negative emotions, he is taught not to suppress conflict as such, but that conflict in this form is unacceptable in this family. And children are looking for other options - they learn to make trouble for someone on the sly, to be cunning... That is, by prohibiting them from certain forms of conflict, we teach them to develop others. In fact, conflict is necessary for a child to learn to say “no.” How will he do this if he doesn't stand up for himself? Therefore, his conflicts with other children, with teachers and in general with the adult world are normal. In addition, children often enter into conflict only to show that they exist and their opinion is valuable. It is important for them to make sure that at least someone takes them into account. There are periods when children especially need this: at 5-7 years old, in adolescence. I would recommend that parents remember this and at least sometimes lose to their child in arguments.