Vitya and I have not been dating for long; he is 4 years older than me. We quarrel very often, as he says, over trifles. He had girls before me, which I think is quite normal - he is not 16 years old. But he, no, no, will mention them. Moreover, whenever I remembered, always at the wrong moment. The first times, I tried to turn everything into a joke, then, I tried, probably without much effort, to pretend to be jealous. I can’t ignore it, simply ignore it. I told him that I didn’t like it, especially the comparisons, even if they were in my favor. I don’t know how to deal with this, I’m just annoying myself and provoking a quarrel. Breaking up is not an option. We talk about a future together, we talk about children, about marriage. But these constant quarrels worry me very much. I'm not 16 either, and I had a boyfriend before him. But I don’t allow myself to compare them, why - these are different people. There are both positive and negative traits, but I am with Vitya, and I want to be with him. Will we really have to put up with this shortcoming?
Larisa, Tomsk, 25 years old / 06/01/06
Our experts' opinions
Alyona
Larisa, take my word for it that you will have to put up with more than just this shortcoming, and God forbid if you consider this “flaw” to be the most serious. You have not been dating for so long, while you are still going through a period of so-called “facade communication,” that is, communication when each of you strives to look in the most favorable light. This is a kind of “dancing on tiptoe” in front of each other, which is typical for lovers. There is nothing unnatural about this. But it is impossible to stand on tiptoes for long. And, as a rule, this period ends when both or one of the two decides that the job is done and the partner has already been “conquered.” That’s when it begins: “you weren’t like this before”, “you’re not the one I fell in love with”, “I didn’t know you from this side”, etc.. In fact, a person has always been the way he is it becomes after a period of courtship, it’s just that then he tried and won the one he needed, and now he relaxed and allowed himself to be himself. I am telling you this so that you understand that many discoveries are still ahead of you, and it is better to be prepared for the fact that you still have to learn other, perhaps less pleasant, shortcomings of your man. This does not mean that you urgently need to run away from him. You need to take a philosophical approach to the shortcomings of those you love: no one is perfect. Of course, there are different shortcomings, but the one you are talking about is not one to worry about too much. Be glad that he has someone to compare with, and that all these comparisons are in your favor. After all, this means that he is proud of you. If you really can’t stand hearing about his ex-girlfriends, start a ritual game. Warn your boyfriend that you will “fine” him for every mention of one of his ex-girlfriends. Come up with the “fine amount” yourself. As an option, for each mention he owes you immediately, without delay, paying you 100 rubles (you can do 10, but this amount has a smaller learning effect). Demonstratively collect this money in a jar and show it to him - that’s what his memories cost him. The point is that both of you will switch from talking about your exes: you will switch to taking away the 100 ruble fine from him, and he will switch to not giving it to you. Thus, the whole situation itself will turn into a joke. And he will learn to control himself, and you will learn to take it as a joke. Yes, and, of course, the money collected from fines can be spent on your loved one - albeit small, indirect, but the benefit from his “ex”.
Good afternoon
My husband and I have been married for 2 years, we are both about 30 years old. During my family life, moments have arisen that I don’t know how to react to and how to relate to them:
- during a quarrel, the husband can swear, insult me (like “get out of here and close the door behind you”), call me a “fool,” and send me away. I repeatedly tried to explain to him that such an attitude was unacceptable for me. He apologized, but every time it happens again. It sounds like an excuse that it was my fault for his behavior that I pissed him off. How can I make a person respect himself and behave correctly in such situations?
- My husband often downloads porn videos from the Internet. This really bothers me and I don’t like it. How should we feel about this? He himself is embarrassed by this and deletes everything from the computer after himself. Is this normal at all?
- some time ago, my husband compared me with his first wife (she was the initiator of their divorce) on the topic of everyday life (that I’m worse at cleaning the apartment, I don’t iron his shirts enough). When I tried to explain that I work just like him, and don’t have time to do everything, and also want to rest after work, he told me that she managed to do everything, both work and take care of the house. The thought gnaws at me that despite the fact that they broke up 7 years ago, he still has some feelings for her, and now, although he doesn’t compare it out loud, he still has it in his thoughts.
- my husband has problems with alcohol (he becomes aggressive and inappropriate), although at the moment after the birth of the child he keeps himself under control. But how long will this last? He himself believes that he has no problems. Is it possible that a person can cope with this problem himself or is this only possible through a narcologist. And if he doesn’t want treatment, then there is only one option - divorce?
Is it possible that a person will change at 33 years old, or is it all useless?
Elena, Moscow, Russia, 28 years old
Family psychologist's answer:
Hello, Elena.
Sincerely, Ekaterina Kondratieva.
From the life of my relationships:
“He compares me, from time to time, to his ex.”
I love life, I adore... But I don’t understand her unexpected strangeness. Petya and I were always fine. I was very happy about this. My girlfriends and acquaintances were frankly jealous of me. And my mother revealed a secret: my great-grandmothers and great-grandfathers had the same cloudless relationship. This made me happy and made me even happier. The fact “encouraged” me to adhere to this lifestyle. I began to smooth out conflicts and prevent quarrels even more carefully, although I had tried (with all my might) to do this before.
But the holiday did not last as long as I wanted. Apparently, our feelings have been “jinxed”. Anyway, the two of us celebrated our anniversary. We bought a huge pizza, champagne and beer. We had a romantic dinner. Then we continued the “event” with a very romantic shower. My beloved carried me to a bed strewn with flower petals…. He started kissing me, caressing me... And I “melted” so much that I didn’t actively reciprocate his feelings at all. I felt so good that everything around me and what was happening seemed to me like a wonderful dream.
In the morning, when the fabulous night disappeared behind the distant horizon, he woke up and said that I was great in bed, but Margarita (his ex) was in many ways better. He compares me with her..., with the one in his past, with his ex. How painful it was, how unpleasant it was, how it was... I am not able to convey all the emotions in my words. Either such words don't exist, or I'm still in a state of shock.
The comparisons continued... It seemed to me that the comparisons would never end. Either her breakfast was tastier, or she washed and cleaned “better”…. And I listened and cried, cried and listened... My friends have already advised me to leave him a hundred times when I complained about this situation. But I can't leave! Stupid! I suffer, but I remain. And love is to blame for everything. I would like to hate this man, but my heart chose a different path...
There were suspicions that Petka’s feelings for her ex had “awakened” again. And my mother remained of the same opinion. But this fact doesn’t make it any easier for me! Why then does he stay with me? Afraid that she will “promote” him, “kick him off”? No one would tolerate all the peculiarities of his character, of course!
And I can't stand it? Leave like some kind of weak coward? No! I will leave as a woman who has self-esteem! Cruel? Isn't there any cruelty on his part? When he makes comparisons, he doesn’t think about the fact that it hurts and doesn’t feel good, that it’s unpleasant and lousy for me...
I had one more thought! He got another one, so he decided to tell me all sorts of “barbs”, focusing on his past! What does he hope for? What does this “move” achieve? What if he really wants me to be very offended and leave him alone? He doesn’t say this himself, and I don’t have the slightest bit of extrasensory perception yet. She (I don’t deny) can “stun” me in my old age. Then everything will be meaningless...
It is impossible to do the same with him. There is no desire to hurt him. And I’m not used to paying with pain for the pain caused to me. My kindness will destroy me! And I (consciously and without regret) surrender myself to her.
I remembered something else! This occurred to me while I was swimming in the pool. I thought about “combining” life with him and suffering. Because life without him will be more difficult and impossible. Unhappy masochist! And these are the most decent words that were addressed to me in this situation.
If there was a chance to be born again and under a different name, I would do it without thinking for a single second! Probably nothing would have changed... Fate to meet exactly “that” loved one - there will be no other loved one!
He will stop falling apart in comparisons! There are probably problems he has at work that he simply doesn’t tell me about. I tried to ask - to ask. Stays silent or goes off topic. I'm not offended. I'm used to this attitude towards myself. But in other respects he was the very best!
Interesting…. Why did the comparisons come immediately after the anniversary, and not earlier or later? I want to know the truth, but I'm scared. The truth can be so unpredictable... You understand. We ourselves have encountered such a situation.
I would react more calmly to comparisons if they were infrequent, and during quarrels, for example. But putting up with all sorts of comparisons almost every day is too much! I would do the same with him, but it won’t work. Petya is my first, only. He knows about it. So this is where I “lose.”
How to stop these ridiculous comparisons? It's pouring rain outside right now. He taps the glass in alarm. Knocking on my room to say sorry. However, I do not open either the window or the window. I won't let you in! There is no need to make these tender and innocent droplets suffer!
You could say that I live in the past. That past in which there was never any place for “comparative analyses.” For him, I was the best, the most beautiful. And I naively hoped that this “paradise” would last forever.
Today my favorite cup broke. The one that “depicted” the photograph of Petyunya and I. Thank God, I managed to save the fragments with our faces. I put them in one of my music boxes. I wish it would turn out to be magical! She was like this when my nails, which I had extended, broke. I didn’t have enough money for the second attempt at extension. Petka, alas, didn’t have them then either. And I really needed to look cooler than great. I was upset and wanted to refuse to participate in the event. But one good man didn’t let me make such a mistake! He just called and offered to do my nails. I was surprised at first. I didn’t think that men understood anything about the practice of extensions. Mishka (my dear classmate) came up with this way to meet glamorous and well-groomed girls. In short, he helped me out. Or maybe the box helped. In it I kept my old nails, which I removed myself. Oh, what a pity that Petya doesn’t fit there! I would put him there so that he would change…. I want to return that Petechka who was with me before, and not now. Is it possible to? Time will tell! For now, all that remains is to live the days in a state of anticipation.
Valeria Protasova
Reading time: 4 minutes
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A woman in a relationship rarely remembers her ex-man. And even if he remembers, he doesn’t bring these thoughts out “in public” (why tease your man once again?). Men sometimes allow themselves not only to remember their exes, but also to constantly tell their new wives about them. Fortunately, there are few such men, but this problem does not go away.
What should a woman do if her other half constantly mentions her ex-lover?
Why does he remember his ex?
There are not many reasons:
- He compares you to his ex
You wash the dishes wrong, wipe the dust wrong, bake pancakes wrong, and still can’t remember how many spoons of sugar to put in his coffee. But she remembered! Such a comparison is clearly not in favor of your relationship. Although, it is quite possible that he is simply grumbling tactlessly, and these comparisons mean nothing but to “shape” you into his habits.
- The past won't let him go
That is, he still loves his ex.
- He's just a braggart
Don't feed some men bread - let them tell you about your exploits. Pat him on the head, scold him for bragging and calm down - this will pass as he grows up. Or it won't work.
- Wants you to feel sorry for him
Not scary, but nothing good either. A man who seeks sympathy from his wife about a past relationship (“she left me,” “so many years of life down the drain,” “I did so much for her, and she…”) looks at least strange and out of character. masculine A real man will never say a bad word about his ex. Even if she was a real bitch and really ruined his best years of life. However, a real man will not talk about the past at all, so as not to accidentally offend his current wife.
- Wants to make you jealous
- He just wants to speak out and throw out his pain and resentment to you, as a person he trusts.
What should a woman do, how should she react to a man’s constant revelations about his ex?
- First of all, don't panic
What is the point? If he loves her, he will still go to her, and your task is not to descend into hysterics and let him go on all 4 sides. Because if he leaves, it means that this is not your prince on a white horse. And yours is somewhere close (already almost jumped up). And if he loves you, then there’s nothing to worry about.
- Try to figure out why he is telling you about her
Pay attention - in what context and how exactly?
- If he complains, then he's either a whiner (and this does not bode well for your family), or he “subtly” hints that you should add salt to soups, meet him in the morning with a cup of coffee, learn to steam the creases on his trousers, etc. That is, he wants you to change, but he can’t say it directly.
- If he's bragging, talk to him
Just explain that this is unpleasant for you, and that if you hear the story about his exploits again, then only fish and a ficus tree in the corner will greet him after work.
- If he wants you to be jealous , explain that such revelations simply make you angry, and do not make you want to love him even more.
- If he is tormented by resentment , and revelations about your ex are just a way to get rid of the ghosts of the past, let him talk it out. But be warned that this is unpleasant for you. If the situation doesn't change, things are probably bad and he loves her too much to forget.
- Don't try to compete with his ex
He is already yours. That is, you have already won. It may well be that your man simply does not shine with tact, and it does not even occur to him that you might be upset by his memories or mentions of his ex.
- Don't joke back
Many women laugh it off, trying to negate the desire to quarrel, or not wanting to offend their husband. But men are straightforward people. If you want to convey something, say it head-on, don’t fuss, don’t try to soften the “blow.” If you don’t like these revelations, tell your spouse so. If he loves you, he will draw conclusions. Otherwise, you will simply become a “grateful listener,” suffering from the fear of “offending” your loved one. And he will get used to it.
- Don't ask your man to forget about his ex.
First of all, it's impossible. Secondly, such ultimatums will not give the desired result. Relationships are a page of life that cannot simply be torn out physically. Moreover, if the man before you had not just a beloved woman, but a full-fledged family and children (in this case, you will have to put up with the invisible “presence” of his ex in your life).
It doesn’t matter what his ex was like for your man. It is important that you are with him now. Don’t stress yourself out in vain – a simple conversation sometimes solves all problems at once.
Valeria Protasova
Psychologist with more than three years of practical experience in social psychology and pedagogy. Psychology is my life, my work, my hobby and way of life. I write what I know about. I believe that human relationships are important in all areas of our lives.
Share with your friends and rate the article:When is comparing your spouse to someone else a reason to draw attention to yourself, and when is it a consequence of a fading relationship? Zhanna Tolstaya, a psychologist and Gestalt therapist at the Minsk Regional Clinical Center “Psychiatry-Narcology”, answers questions about how to behave as a man who is constantly being compared with someone else, and why such behavior is equally characteristic of representatives of both sexes.
Zhanna Tolstaya
psychologist
Gestalt therapist at the Minsk Regional Clinical Center “Psychiatry-Narcology”
Reasons for comparing a partner with another
When relationships go beyond the limits of their development, various family crises arise. One of them is precisely that one of the partners compares the other with friends.
Sometimes a person simply stops appreciating what he has. The partner is devalued. Typically, this behavior is typical of couples who already have experience living together. Romance passes, everyday life takes up more and more time. Over time, nitpicking towards each other increases. A person begins to see the shortcomings of his partner. In another case, the comparison is explained by the fact that there is a discrepancy with what was expected. In the mind of the partner there is a certain illusion, fantasy, created image, and the lover, for example, does not fit into it.
Comparing a partner with another person often appears in situations when the relationship moves to a new stage. For example, when children appear.
At the stage of falling in love and euphoria from this feeling, the shortcomings of the other are smoothed out. Next, both people are faced with reality, and often there is a discrepancy with each other’s expectations.
For some, comparison with someone is motivation to take action.
Why is comparison a motivation for change for some?
It all depends on the person, on his personal characteristics. In some cases, women, fearing to offend or humiliate a man, create a model to motivate action. They focus a man's attention on what they don't like. Or they compare him with others in order to increase his attention to himself.
The psychologist says that it is for this reason that representatives of the fair sex often do not speak directly, but express dissatisfaction in a veiled way. For example, they complain: they say, dear, Zina’s husband takes his family to the sea twice a year. You and I have already forgotten when we were on vacation. In this case, women think that such a message will not provoke a scandal.
However, indirect conversation or hints offend men the most. They tend to perceive such information negatively. It turns out that a man enters into competition, but obviously loses it. He is devalued.
The situation can turn out the other way around, but not often. In the case when a man has a fairly stable psyche, he has self-worth, then the message of comparison can become an incentive to action. For example, the wife says: look at you, you’ve grown a belly, you don’t play sports, it’s time to think about your health. Vasya goes to the gym every week.
Sometimes such words become a reason for action. A person actually goes to the gym and works out. However, Zhanna admits that reproach and comparison are rarely a stimulus. Here it is important to develop the right tactics for the man himself.
How should a man behave when his wife compares him to her friend’s husband?
If the comparison occurs constantly and has a negative connotation, it is better to clarify the situation. Ask questions: what is happening in the relationship, what is causing the dissatisfaction, what can be changed? It is advisable to understand what is wrong and together outline an action plan. If your partner doesn’t have enough attention, you can go somewhere together. For example, to the gym.
In this case, the psychologist recommends that women not compare, but return to reality. It is better to live not in fantasies and projections, but to appreciate in your husband what he has. You can remember the relationship that connected you at the very beginning. Then analyze what went wrong and what is preventing you from enjoying yourself now. The important thing here is not to lose the value of the relationship. We should also not forget that there are no ideal people. Everyone has flaws. You need to be able to accept others as they are. Then think together about where to move next. If you cannot cope with the problem on your own, you can seek help from a specialist.
There are situations when feelings go away. There are no prospects for the development of marriage. This manifests itself in the fact that the feeling of dissatisfaction increases, comparisons with others and scandals become frequent. In this case, people usually go to a family therapist, solve the problem together, or break up.
Not only women, but also men compare
Recently, it often happens that comparison comes not only from the woman, but also from the man. For example, a child appeared in the family, the woman plunged headlong into motherhood. A man wants attention, romance, warmth. And he can also compare his partner with another. The reason is the same, in this way the husband simply wants to attract attention to himself. Remind your wife that he is somewhere nearby.
If we imagine the situation the other way around, then the strong half of humanity, as a rule, immerses itself in work. Moreover, this does not always mean that a man’s interest in his partner has decreased. It often happens that as relationships develop, they transform a little. The sharpness fades into the background. Mutual respect and care emerge. For such couples, Zhanna recommends arranging romantic dates or each partner changing something in their image. For example, hairstyle or clothing style.
The right way to draw attention to yourself
The psychologist is sure that the main thing in case of dissatisfaction is to be able to talk to each other about the moments that concern each other. You need to learn to openly discuss feelings and the prospects for their development. It is not uncommon for people to change a little in order to maintain a positive relationship with their partner. This is the correct way to pay attention to yourself.
The partner responds to some claims of another person with a joke. It is more of a defense mechanism or “slipping.” They do this more often because it is difficult to withstand criticism. The man “switches” to another topic and tries to circumvent the complexity. This is fine.
Zhanna warns that a non-standard reaction to comparison with someone is a harbinger of depression. In such cases, people can “close themselves off” and “withdraw into themselves.” Apathy, bad mood and emotional failure appear.
It is especially dangerous when one of the partners begins to fixate on the problem. In our case, it is important to clarify the situation with the spouse, and then smoothly move on to a solution.
The main thing is to try and not be afraid. In addition to going out together somewhere, you need to try to be yourself in any situation. Don't try to play someone else's role. It also doesn't hurt to maintain a good mood and intrigue in the relationship.