The difficulties that second wives usually face are their jealousy of the man’s child from his first marriage and dissatisfaction with the amount of money the husband spends on this child. As a rule, most books and magazines devoted to family relationships advise first of all to think about the feelings and needs of the child, who in any case is the victim because of the parents.
In practice, this position means that the second wife should put the interests of the man's child from his first marriage above the interests of her own family. But how, in this case, can one cope with the protest: “Why do I have to break myself over someone else’s child, even if it is the child of the man I love?” The situation is aggravated if the child is initially negatively disposed towards his dad’s new wife, and in the overwhelming majority of cases this happens.
There is no universal solution to the problem that would be beneficial for every woman who finds herself in the role of the second wife of a man with “baggage.” However, there are two options for resolving the situation, each of which has its own pros and cons.
First option: “It’s not my problem”
If you want to completely distance yourself from everything related to the first marriage of your beloved man, immediately explain to your husband that you do not want the presence of his child in your life. That is, there will be no joint meetings or visits of his child to your common home. But don't ask your husband to ignore his child for your sake. Even if the choice is made in your favor, this will not contribute to strengthening your relationship with your loved one. Instead, discuss with your husband his responsibilities to the child from his first marriage. The most important thing, during a joint discussion, is to determine the days on which your husband will visit his child and clearly discuss the amount of money that will be spent on him from your general budget in addition to the alimony paid by the spouse (for example, for gifts for the holidays). For this to work, never demonstrate your displeasure with your husband’s first child, provided that all agreements are followed.
The advantage of this solution to the problem is that you do not have to communicate with your husband’s child and force yourself to somehow adapt to him. The downside is that this approach can lead to estrangement between you and your husband over time. Without feeling support from you in his relationship with the child from his first marriage, your loved one can expect such support from you in any other situations. And this can undoubtedly harm your relationship.
Second option: “We are all one family”
If you want to establish contact with your husband's child, try to become friends with him. Just be prepared for various difficulties, to resolve which you will have to invariably take the position of a “wise adult.” In any case, the child from his first marriage will not be delighted with the appearance of his stepmother, so you will have to earn his sympathy. At the same time, you cannot simply “appease” the child with the help of various gifts, otherwise, in response to your attempt to refuse something, he will simply say something like: “You are doing this because you are not my mother!”, That is, you will end up as a bad stepmother. In addition, indulging in all the demands of your husband's first child can negatively affect the financial condition of your own family.
It is best to try to establish your own relationship with your husband’s child. To do this, meet him not in the presence of your beloved man, and especially the child’s mother, but in private. Invite your child to go somewhere together, for example, a park or an exhibition. Most likely, in the absence of your husband, you will be able to discern in his child an independent personality, and not a not-so-creature attached to your loved one.
The advantage of this approach is a more trusting and close relationship with your husband, who will be grateful to you for your efforts. The downside is that you will have to live under constant psychological stress. You will not be able to forget, even for a moment, that before you, the man you loved had a family, from which there was a child who required his love and care. In addition, to establish a normal relationship with your husband’s first child, you will have to make a lot of effort. And it’s not a fact that your good intentions will be successful.
My friend Dasha married for great love. She was not even interested in SMS messages from suspicious numbers arriving in abundance on her betrothed’s phone. What can we say about a man’s child from his first marriage!
Its presence was not something that didn’t particularly worry Dasha; she was somehow not even fully aware of it. The girl imagined the child either as a formal ink line somewhere in her beloved’s passport (not very pleasant, but we’ll bear with it), or as a small walking black hole into which for another twelve years she would have to throw a quarter of her future hubby’s income (this is worse, of course, than just entry in the passport, but also trifles in comparison with universal love).
The realization of the situation began abruptly and unpleasantly. At that moment when, two weeks after the wedding, the son had the audacity to call THEIR landline number and in a “thin nasty voice” ask his dad to answer the phone. Dasha felt reproached by this word PAPA.
Hubby suddenly broke loose and drove off somewhere. Later it turned out that because of some problems with the child, the husband spent half a day with his ex-wife, and was also forced to borrow money from her “for now,” which had just recently been planned to buy Dashuna branded Italian boots.
- On this day, she may not count on her husband’s time and attention.
- One way or another, some amount of money will leave the family budget (albeit small, but still a pity).
- She will definitely have to spend several hours imagining how her ex-wife in a transparent pink peignoir opens the door to her beloved, and then languidly drinks him tea in the kitchen, sticking out her long naked limbs of a predatory mantis from under scanty scraps of fabric. It should be said that these suspicions were not entirely unfounded, since this lady remained free and, according to rumors, was very interested in “the family being restored.”
...Now Dasha is still married to this man. But now she knows very well that a child is not just an entry in a passport.
But Elvira, on the contrary, pulled out a lucky ticket, meeting a man with two children from his first marriage. She was sincerely touched when she learned that the chosen one, despite his busy work schedule, spends a lot of time with his offspring and, as he himself delicately put it, “another heir” is definitely not physically fit right now.
Elvira crossed herself when she heard this statement, since the appearance of children was also simply not included in her active life plans. True, at the moment she categorically refuses to purchase a large joint apartment, having sold two one-room apartments on the outskirts, one of which belongs to Elvira, and the second to her husband.
I'm not a lawyer. Then the devil will break his leg with all these inheritances. “I treat his children very well, but somehow I don’t want to share my own property with them,” she calmly explains the situation.
I think she can be understood.
Remarriage is common and normal. Especially when it comes to men. A divorced man has his advantages and disadvantages, but a woman needs to build communication with him according to slightly different rules than with a man who has never been married. Let's see what the pros and cons are associated with a relationship with a divorced man, how to communicate with him in general, whether it is worth doing, and whether there are prospects.
The main characteristics of a divorced man
The attitude towards men who have divorced is much more loyal than towards divorced women. This is a feature of Russian society, where men after their first marriage are perceived as even more attractive partners, and women are called the unpleasant word “divorcee”. Of course, divorced men have advantages, but they also have several extremely unpleasant traits that seriously interfere with building relationships. Let's name the main features that men “get” after the dissolution of their previous official marriage.
- More clear requirements for the new chosen one. First marriage is often a mistake. The young guy is “led” by the sexuality of the chosen one, her activity, freshness, youth, and so on. But after a few years, the first charm wears off, and new demands appear. A man after a divorce knows exactly what kind of woman he needs. But these requirements are usually higher than before.
- Serious experience in communicating with women, living together, and managing everyday life. This is an undoubted advantage in comparison with guys and even mature men who have never had an official marriage or cohabitation with a woman. A divorced man understands the opposite sex better, life with him is easier, and communication with him is more interesting. There won't be any crazy behavior here anymore. But you will definitely find something to do and not die of boredom. Moreover, both will like it.
- Remarriage for a man is a responsible and serious act. If you are starting a relationship for the future, you can be sure that this is not just an affair. At least if it's a serious relationship. Although divorced men, at least at first, do not need this.
- A common stereotype is that a divorced man does not want to get married again. It's not like that at all. After a divorce, sooner or later there is a desire to get a permanent relationship, a new wife. True, this is much more difficult to do, largely for the first reason mentioned.
- And finally, a divorced man goes through several stages of “evolution” in his view of his second marriage. At first, that is, in the first months or a couple of years after a divorce, a man does not even consider the possibility of starting a serious, long-term relationship with someone again. But then a longing for family life appears. And at this moment it is advisable to “catch” it.
These are common characteristics found in most men after divorce. But let's now name the main pros and cons of a person who has such experience. Let's start with the most important benefits of a relationship with this man:
- a divorced man is free, you can start a relationship with him completely calmly and without moral remorse;
- if you find yourself at the exact moment when a man is nostalgic for family relationships, he will idealize you; it is easy to take it warm;
- a recently divorced man is much more interested in sex than his peers; it’s really interesting to be with him in bed, because he wants to try as many new things as possible, tired of the monotony;
- the second time the man is much more circumspect, more attentive, more serious; With him you can hope for a serious relationship for life.
What about problems? Unfortunately, a divorced person also has a lot of them. Let's list the disadvantages:
- many painful and slippery topics; It is easy to hurt a divorced man by talking about his past, previous mistakes, weaknesses;
- he inevitably compares each new woman with his previous wife; There is no way to get rid of this, you can only endure it and get used to it;
- there is a danger that the man will try to return to his previous wife; sometimes you have to hold it, which requires serious effort;
- higher requirements for the new chosen one, because he does not want to run into the same problems that he had in marriage.
Everything described applies not only to those men who were officially married. The traits of a divorced man are also found in those representatives of the stronger sex who lived with a woman in a so-called civil marriage. They were in cohabitation for a long time. One more clarification: the period of the previous relationship should not be six months or a year, at least 2-3 years. Otherwise, these features simply will not have time to form, and the man will never be imbued with normal family life.
How to behave with a divorced man
Let's say your relationship has either already begun or should begin in the near future. How to behave? Let's present the main recommendations that you should follow if you want a strong connection with future prospects.
- You can't force events. Perhaps you want to get married as quickly as possible. But this cannot be done. If a man has only recently divorced, he is unlikely to think about a new marriage. He needs time, and you need patience. He wants to be free at least a little longer. Don't force him to propose to you sooner.
- Take it easy on him. Women who dream of a relationship are too happy when a man appears next to them. If he recently got divorced and suddenly paid attention to you, there is no need to gush with emotions, try to please him in everything right away, or bring breakfast in bed regularly. Emotions have no place here; a man may feel that you are tying him to you. The excessive joy of the new woman can cause nostalgia for the old one. And he will want to return to his previous wife.
- Let the man decide for himself whether you need to know about his previous relationships or not. A common mistake women make is trying to find out more about their previous wife. They usually hide behind excuses like “I don’t want to make her mistakes.” But excessive interest will irritate a man. Especially if there are still feelings left. If he wants to tell, let him tell. If he doesn't want to, then he doesn't have to. And there is no need to encourage him to talk about his previous life. Otherwise, there is a risk that he will want to turn you into his previous wife.
- The past wife should remain in the past. Some men, even after a divorce, continue to feel responsible for their previous wife. They try to help when the opportunity arises, to meet, have a heart-to-heart talk, and so on. This cannot be encouraged. Close relationships do not turn into friendship. This only happens in movies and novels for young girls. Friendships after marriage are likely to turn back into close relationships. Do not hesitate to tell your chosen one about this and demonstrate your dissatisfaction.
- A separate question concerns children from a previous marriage. Yes, you may be against dating your ex-wife. But you have no right to prohibit meeting with children. Moreover, you should not be against children living with a man. A normal man will always choose children if he has to choose between them and you.
- Remind him that you are a different person, not his past wife. This means that he cannot transfer old grievances, jealousy, suspicions, fears and the like to you. Otherwise you will feel humiliated. Don't hesitate to point out the mistakes he makes when he sees you as an old spouse.
- Give up jealousy yourself. It is very difficult. After all, you know very well that he had a serious long-term relationship, a previous marriage. But there is no need to stoop to jealousy. It interferes with the lives of both you and him. If you don’t know how to treat your partner’s past calmly, look for a man without a rich past.
- Stop a man's attempts to smear his previous wife with dirt. There are many men who consider themselves entitled to humiliate, insult, and highlight the shortcomings of the previous woman. Only scoundrels behave this way, not real men. Perhaps you will like it, because the man will now supposedly become “yours forever.” This is wrong. A little time will pass, and he will talk about you in exactly the same way. Make no mistake.
Mistakes in behavior with a divorced man
And now we list the main mistakes that you should not make. Or, at least, not to do at least all of the above at once. These are the main mistakes.
- Get bored with questions about the past. There is no need to be interested in how a man lived with his previous wife if he does not want to tell. By reminding him once again, you will awaken in him nostalgia and a desire to return to that life. There was also a lot of pleasant things in it (and over time, only pleasant memories remain).
- Be exclusively a friend instead of being the woman you love. If a man has not coped with the consequences of a divorce, he may be looking for a “vest” to cry on. It is clear that in a relationship you need to support your partner. But know when to stop. He should see you as a woman, not as a comrade.
- She considers herself the one and only. This is also a common problem: a woman who has become close to a divorced man begins to think that she is the best. This is natural, because it was she who was chosen by the man instead of his previous wife. But women with inflated self-esteem do not understand that they can simply be used for a change. And if your relationship is only at the initial stage, he may have many other potential options from which he is still choosing the appropriate one.
- Become the complete opposite of your wife. A common strategy: “I will become completely different from my ex-wife in order to suit him in everything.” Unfortunately, this is a complete utopia. It’s not always the case that the previous wife is not satisfied with something. The divorce could have taken place solely on her initiative.
- Raising expectations for a man. If a man has already been married, this does not mean that he is now an ideal partner in everything. Yes, he is experienced, interesting, and knows a lot, including in bed. But you shouldn’t count on ideality. He also has many shortcomings.
Remember that remarriage may not be final. And, if today he sees you as a future wife for life, tomorrow he may change his mind. There have already been breakups with him after a serious relationship. So he's no stranger to it.
Nowadays, a divorced man after thirty years of age no longer surprises anyone: marriages at a young age often end unsuccessfully after only 5 years of family relationships. Therefore, when a still young man returns to the ranks of bachelors with similar experience behind him, this naturally arouses the interest of new partners.
Opinions and suspicions about divorced people
Often, public opinion after a divorce falls not only on the woman who allegedly did not save the family hearth, but also on the man, who is instantly attacked by questions and consolations, and behind his back – by speculation and suspicious rumors.
Of course, if you are committed to a serious relationship with a divorced man, you need to try to find out what his last marriage was like and why it failed.
The reason for divorce is different for each couple, and sometimes even they themselves cannot untangle this tangle of problems.
Asking directly why he divorced his wife and who initiated the breakup is not only tactless, but can also send your relationship with your man in the wrong direction. It is cruel to evoke emotional experiences about the past, and it will not give an objective answer as to what was wrong in the marriage.
The only way out is to find out about the past from his friends or relatives, who are willing to briefly and truthfully present the situation. Why is such reconnaissance needed? There is absolutely no need to know the details of family scandals and troubles, but alcohol addiction, cruelty, betrayal, reluctance to have children or provide for a family is important and alarming information.
Such details of the divorce of your new acquaintance, a divorced man, cannot be ignored, since in the future the drama may play out with your participation. But it’s not a fact that the newly minted groom himself will tell you about it.
Psychology of a divorced man
We are talking, of course, about psychological trauma, which manifests itself differently depending on the age and character of each person.
It has long been noted that if a marriage lasted more than five years, the ex-spouse may suffer from so-called delayed depression. This form of depressed state does not develop immediately, but perhaps 1-2 years after the divorce, in the case when he does not start a family again. It is not for nothing that there is an opinion among people that a serious relationship with a divorced man can be created only in the second year of his free life, when the experiences have subsided, the pain has subsided and the person will be able to decide what he wants for himself in the future.
So what happens in the first two years after a divorce? It all depends on the natural inclinations of nature and the degree of defeat from the previous marriage.
A series of meaningless novels, sex without commitment, one-night stands - these are the consequences of a difficult divorce. In the best case, in a few years the bile will come out, and he will stop taking out his resentment against his ex-wife on his friends.
Rules for communicating with a divorced man
It takes a sea of delicacy and an ocean of warmth for a young man who has just gone through a divorce.
If you don’t want to wait two years for him to cope with stress on his own, and you are afraid that someone else will take over the bachelor, then follow these rules:
Divorced man with child
If a man has children from his first marriage, you must understand that this gives more advantages than disadvantages. Of course, one has to worry that when visiting his children in their mother’s house, a man cannot completely abstract himself from his ex-wife.
Hello!
My life situation is not simple - I am dating a man (he is 32, I am 24 years old) our relationship will soon be a year old. And I am planning a future together with him, I see in him reliability, stability, understanding. He proposed to me, to us together it’s comfortable and calm. But I think with the answer, because he was already married and he has two children (boys 5 years old and 3 years old) And the children will live with us after our wedding. And I understand that raising other people’s children is It’s difficult. And so I’m in doubt about what I should do, whether it’s worth starting such a future for me, whether I need it... There will probably be problems with his ex-wife... And I’m thinking about how to do the right thing, in a wise way. Tell me, what could happen in such a situation if I agree?
Thank you in advance!
Best regards, Sophia.
Received 7 pieces of advice - consultations from psychologists, on the question: Future with a divorced man with children
Hello, Sophia!
Everything here, in my opinion, will depend on your attitude towards this man. If you really need him, and you have deep feelings for him, then, I think, it will not be difficult for you to accept his children and treat them as an integral part of him. This is exactly how men accept children from their first marriage of those women with whom they fall deeply in love. And you can do this easily if this man is truly important and necessary to you. If you just need a convenient partner, then this one will not be one of the most convenient, because you will have to invest in his children, and then it is not clear why. In order for this contribution to be sincere and not empty (and to receive a response), you need to accept these children as your own, then it will be easy to give them your time, love, and care. If you feel that you do not want this, then I would suggest that you seriously think about why you need this relationship and what you want from it. All the best, Elena.
Good answer 3 Bad answer 0Hello, Sophia.
The questions you ask psychologists are not entirely accurate.
Rather, they are not at all accurate.
You have them.
The task of psychologists is help you find your answers.
Help you accept them.
To help you accept the responsibility (payment) for your decisions that YOU will bear.
Help you come to terms with this responsibility.
For now I can only say the following -
if you love your man, you can love his children too.
Although no one forces you to love them.
And he won't force it.
Listen to yourself - can you?
And lastly, come for a consultation.
I can be your assistant, help you deal with yourself and the situation.
G. Idrisov.
Good answer 5 Bad answer 0 
Hello, Sophia. Raising children is difficult in principle, and it doesn’t really matter whether they are your own or someone else’s. You should decide for yourself whether you are ready to invest your soul and energy in raising these boys, because this is important for a father. I think that it makes sense for you to get to know the children (if you haven’t met them yet) and look at them before the wedding. Ask your father more about them. Also resolve the issue with his ex-wife - whether she sees the children, how often, and what problems there may be with her. It also makes sense to find out why they divorced and why the children live with their father; in our country this is a rare case, because priority is given to the mother. I have a feeling that you do not talk to your chosen one about these topics that concern you and are trying to find answers where there are none. Do not hesitate to ask questions that interest you, just think them through. In particular, what place will you occupy in the lives of these children according to the father? And most importantly, ask yourself whether you are ready to accept them, and at what level. It’s better to come to an agreement before the wedding and clarify all doubtful points, then it will be more difficult. Often difficulties in decision making occur due to lack of information. It seems to me that you have difficulties either with a conversation with your man, or with the issue of accepting children, or with both. I am ready to help you understand what is happening and make a decision.
Best regards, Larisa.
Good answer 6 Bad answer 1Hello, Sophia! When a girl decides to get married, she not only decides to live with this man, but also with his family, and your man, moreover, has his own children (whose own mother is alive). No one knows how events will unfold and happen, but those qualities that will become a strong stronghold of your family life and are able to harmonize this process are mutual LOVE and respect for each other, caring for your neighbor, accepting each other’s entire previous history; children are not to blame for anything and treat them as if they were your own; a clear definition of boundaries with your ex-wife: where and when she can see her children - you should discuss this in advance with your man so that, when living together, there are no misunderstandings. If there are other anxiety and fears, it is better to discuss them with your partner before the wedding - CONSCIOUSLY and not traumatize the children by living with dad and the new “mom” or “aunt”!? Best wishes to you. Sincerely, Lyudmila K.
Good answer 4 Bad answer 3 
Hello, Sophia! You have to find a difficult solution. At 24, it takes courage to take such a step. Imagine yourself with this man and his children in 5 and 10 years, and that you will also have children of your own. Love in the form that you have now will no longer exist. What's left? What shortcomings of your husband and his children are you willing to put up with? You haven't written anything about the reasons why the children will live with their father. Who made the decision? How did your husband break up with the mother of these boys? What do your children and your future spouse feel and think about this? Is he taking revenge on his ex-wife? There are a lot of questions, the answers to which can help you understand the present situation. If you have a need, please contact us. All the best. Sincerely, Aigul Sadykova
Good answer 6 Bad answer 0 
Hello Sophia!
In my opinion, it’s right that you ask such important questions before marriage, and not later, during the process, when a bunch of all sorts of details emerge and you somehow have to live with them.
In my opinion, it would be useful to get to know the children better now and establish contact. When communicating, you will be able to observe the children, how they communicate with their father, how they will make contact with you, what place you will be assigned next to them. And if something worries you, don’t be afraid to clarify it with your partner. The better you discuss your relationship and your role in it now, the clearer your position will be in the future, in family life.
Good luck! Svetlana.
Good answer 6 Bad answer 1 
Hello, Sophia.
How many people - so many opinions.
Don't be scared and stress yourself out. If there is a desire, then the means will always be found.
And with children, the easier you are, the more sincere you are.
But it feels like it’s not about this man and the children.
It may be difficult for you to make a decision that will dramatically change your usual rhythm of life.
Are you not ready for this? Take your time, sort out your feelings.
All the best,
Anya.
Good answer 5 Bad answer 1