Valeria Protasova
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What girl has not dreamed of pure love, which will definitely come along the way when she grows up. And this love will certainly be happy until your gray hairs. Unfortunately, fate does not spoil everyone, and the long-awaited prince from childhood dreams turns up in the wrong place, at the wrong time.
How can you become happy again if your heart is broken? How to start a new life?
5 simple steps to get rid of your love for your ex-boyfriend, husband
First of all, you should understand that there is no new life and there will not be. There is only one, and it is she who you must make the happiest, longest and most impeccable.
And it depends only on you.
It would seem that it is impossible to put together the fragments of a broken heart, but all this is just a metaphor and beautiful words for lyricists, in reality, everything is subject to the laws of nature.
You just have to want...
- Let's face it. There is no ideal love or ideal people. The happiness in couples you see around you is the result of hard work. Happiness is a “castle” that is built brick by brick, year after year. And if your castle falls apart, it means you chose the wrong partner to build it. Accept and realize the fact that this story is over and the time has come for a new stage in your life. While you console yourself with illusions and vain hopes that “maybe everything can still be returned...”, your mental wounds will bleed. You yourself must make the point.
- Emotions are normal. Crying into a pillow or into a friend’s shoulder, doing small stupid things, breaking dishes that you bought together is normal. Give vent to your emotions, don't keep them to yourself. But it’s better to “release the genie” for your own benefit. Venting your emotions should help you, but should not harm others. Find the most effective way for yourself and painless for others to throw out accumulated feelings: target shooting, the gym (especially recommended), a vocal studio, dancing - you never know how to relieve stress. Choose the one that is closest to you and give yourself completely to it.
- You are a self-sufficient woman. Which does not depend on events and people. Who loves life and knows how to live it beautifully. Which does not ask for anything, does not run after anyone, does not hold anyone. They are running after you and trying to hold you back. Don't they try? So this is not your destiny. And yours will suddenly appear on the doorstep with a bouquet of flowers, but you won’t wait for her obediently at the window, because you need to be happy today. And there is still so much to be done in this life that let your fate catch up with you.
- We change everything! Love, as a strong feeling, according to medical facts, “releases” after a month. If you don’t feed it and don’t add new wood to its fire. If you have the courage and wisdom to put an end to the relationship, then all the “wood” needs to be removed. Start general cleaning with your head and home. And then - as needed. Change your lifestyle and image, rearrange your home, take new routes to work, make new friends, etc. Doesn’t help? Change your place of residence. It only seems that feelings - they live independently of you, but in reality they depend only on you. Remember - it is important to make a point. And then just remove from life everything that can turn your dot into an ellipsis.
- And someone is now much worse off than you. And maybe this someone really needs your help. Take custody of him. It doesn’t matter who it is - a terminally ill child, an old man left alone by his children, a puppy thrown out into the cold by someone, or your neighbor who is barely making ends meet to feed her child. When we begin to feel someone else's pain, our own goes into oblivion. And in order to understand what the soul should really ache about, and what is empty and meaningless in life, you need to get out of your shell, in which it is so cozy and pleasant to feel sorry for yourself, and look around.
And treat everything with humor. It not only helps to live, but also often saves in situations when it seems that the “end of the world” has come. Smile. This life was given to you so that you can enjoy it every day. Despondency goes to the stove.
And remember the main thing - a person can survive everything that befalls him. Fate sends us only those trials that we can handle - no more and no less.
Consider your situation testing your strength.
How to stop loving your ex if he is married, if you see him every day - etc.?
How can you stop loving him if you have to see him every day at work? Or accidentally meet him every morning because he lives in an apartment (house) across the street?
But what difference does it make if you have already put an end to it? No!
It's like quitting smoking: Until you want to quit, you will constantly be drawn to a cigarette, and neither patches, nor smart books, nor seeds will help. You can quit only if you really want it - immediately and forever. Without leaving even a tiny hope for yourself that “then, one day, well, if only a little, well, you never know, but anything can happen...”.
Or be like children. When a child is afraid to pull out a baby tooth, he asks his dad (or mom) to do it quickly, so that he won’t be afraid for a long time, and so that the pain will go away instantly, as if it never happened, “sniff” - and it’s done. Just tie the tooth by a string to the door and pull the door sharply. Everyone did this when they were kids. The child always shields himself from pain. And quickly forgets about sorrows. And he puts his “I” above everything else. Not because he is an egoist, but because the child lives in today, and not in yesterday or tomorrow. And he just enjoys life, the wind, the sun, a new toy, mom and dad, a delicious dinner. He has no time to be sad, to cry over photographs, to remember, to torment his heart with all sorts of nonsense.
Learn to be a child. Work on yourself!
This absolutely cannot be done!
In search of a way to free themselves from the shackles of their unhappy love, girls commit a lot of stupid things - both small ones that complicate their problem, and more serious ones that complicate life itself.
It is important to remember what you should absolutely not do:
- To take revenge. A wise, self-sufficient, self-confident woman will never stoop to such vulgarity as revenge. She's above that. She will step over the problem that she could not solve and move on with her head held high. If we are unable to change the problem, we change our attitude towards it - don’t care, grind it and forget. And they ran on with their lives.
- Think about the most radical methods of solving the problem - for example, suicide. Leaving this life is, of course, an easy decision, but it will not change anything. If he didn’t love you, then he won’t come to your grave to suffer. And if you loved, then you won’t know it, because it will be too late. Think better about your parents, for whom nothing can be worse than the death of a child. And that most often suicide attempts end in disability. Do you need it? And who will you make worse? If you want to take revenge on him, become happy in spite of everything. This will be the most powerful and wonderful revenge you can think of.
- Hope for continuation. Put an end to it, turn the page, leave this boring session and don’t forget to turn off the lights in the hall. A new movie awaits you. And definitely with a happy ending!
- Lock yourself in. No, for a day or two, of course, you can cry, watch tearful melodramas, overeat with cakes, feel sorry for yourself, cry to your girlfriends - what a bastard he is. But no more! Next, smile broadly and move forward to new victories, achievements, and joys!
- Trying to forget him with the help of new novels. Rushing into a new bed to forget the old one is pointless, stupid and vulgar. Such connections usually do not lead to anything good. At a minimum, you will then feel ashamed of yourself and your actions. We won’t even talk about “at the maximum.”
- Let's go all out: start drunken brawls, stalk him or his new girlfriend, get into trouble with loved ones who are trying to help you, and so on. The ability to think soberly will definitely come a little later. If only it was not too late to realize what stupid things you have done.
- Meet him when he suddenly really wants it. Some men like to suddenly visit ex-girlfriends for an overnight stay, being confident that this is normal - these are such intimate meetings of “old friends”. Remember, this is not normal. There is a saying from an old joke - “she died like that.” Such meetings will never end in a reunion, he will simply take advantage of you from time to time. A woman who respects herself will never allow this to happen.
- Follow him on social media (remove him from everywhere and leave from everywhere yourself), call him and remain silent on the phone (“kindergarten - pants with straps”), watch him on the street, beg him to come back (respect yourself!).
Also write him a letter. Throw out all your emotions, thoughts, resentments, and anger into this letter. Express everything you think about him, about your relationship, about the breakup, etc. In detail, without forgetting anything.
Nadezhda, are you my earthly compass? Most likely, most of you have never asked yourself such a doubtful question.
Hope in our culture is accepted as something warm and soul-warming. That's right. After all, hope is clothing per person.
People put on hope in difficult situations, in difficult relationships with loved ones, family and children.
And they really hope that something will change. But you can wait like this on the edge of life all your life.
Often people, relying on hope, do not take any action to change their lives; they blame circumstances, superiors, loved ones, and so on according to an individual list.
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And as a rule, nothing in life changes for the better. As a result, the person remains in a strange state: “Something in life went wrong, but that’s what I hoped.”
Behind the veil of expectations, a person stops seeing life as it is, and loses his real compass of life, which was tuned precisely to his uniqueness and his dream.
As a result, he spends all his energy on overcoming illusory obstacles, and not on doing it.
In this article I will present several personal actions, meditations and practices that I used and after which my life began to change.
I will describe my path, how I stopped hoping for the best and took the helm of life into my own hands.
1. Accept your mistakes and clear your mind
The first and important stage is accepting your mistakes.
Learn to see and accept your mistakes and imperfections. Your mistakes are the best teachers on the path of life.
Don’t torment or punish yourself for your mistakes, but give yourself a chance to consciously see them, and move forward without looking back at the past.
From my personal example, I got a good feel for how you can live for decades waiting and hoping for the best no matter what. Neither red flags nor obvious facts.
It was as if I had lost myself and stopped hearing the voice of my soul for almost 20 years, building a wall of hope, swallowing tears of resentment.
Rejoicing in short-term joyful moments, I waited for a miracle to happen and my man to come to me.
I didn’t take this path lightly; now, on the upswing in life, I can use my experience and understand what many of you are going through.
I needed the painful days, months, years I experienced for the global transformation of my life and cleansing the deep layers of my consciousness.
When you peel your consciousness layer by layer, like an onion, you come to your Higher Self.
You begin to feel your life force on the subtle plane, move to the next energy level, where you are no longer a victim of circumstances, but the Creator of your own life.
A simple and effective way to cleanse the mind - prescribing problems or long-standing questions that you can’t find the answer to.
“Pysanka” is written with a scooter from the depths of the soul without involving the logic of the mind.
By writing down your questions using this method, you activate that part of your consciousness that stores the true answer to your question.
Materializing the answer on paper frees your consciousness from a specific obstacle or habitual response to a problem.
You understand under what circumstances and how you set yourself up for a certain action that is not beneficial, and thus cancel it.
By now, when I had removed multiple interferences from my consciousness, including the hope for a better future with this person, it was as if I had woken up from a trance state.
I soberly assessed the whole situation and saw myself in a pitiful position. And a logical question arose: Well, how come I didn’t see and understand this for so long?
2. Realize that there is always a choice.
You can always say “stop” and turn the ship of your life to warm and soulful lands. You always have the choice to stop hoping and start doing something.
Where did my personal resurrection from the ashes into which I turned myself begin? They helped me on the Keys of Mastery and my beloved yoga.
A year ago, I accidentally came across this site, started participating in online meditations and reading articles. I suffered greatly internally from my uncertainty and indecision.
But with each new meditation, I found something inside myself that responded and gave me the strength to go deeper into myself and look for the essence of my problems.
Practice started it all. I wanted changes in my life so much that I didn’t look for or wait for someone, but lit this spiral in my kitchen at home that same evening (a whole bag of Ikea candles was waiting in the wings).
I walked back and forth inside the fiery spiral with the deep intention of changing my life for the better, setting a new cycle, with full confidence that it would happen! From that moment on, the process was launched in my mind.
3. Accept yourself completely
The next key point is self acceptance just as I am. Sometimes I'm hot-tempered, sometimes I'm touchy. The key word is "sometimes".
Allow yourself to be imperfect sometimes, do not reproach yourself for mistakes and mistakes. Notice them and make the necessary adjustments to your usual behavior.
The online course “Activation of the Wisdom of the Soul” helped me accept myself.
Gradually everything began to line up in my head. I resolved many internal problems and saw myself without rose-colored glasses, as I am now.
Accepting yourself as you are is probably the most difficult thing on the path of self-discovery. After all, at this moment you begin to see yourself with all your “right” and “wrong”, “good” and “negative” qualities.
But we, just like this world, are dual, and all our qualities have a downside. For example, fear and aggression are strength and confidence, resentment and anger are love and forgiveness.
Understanding this gives enormous strength and opportunity to accept and change yourself.
4. Activate your life force
After clearing your mind and forgiving yourself for your mistakes, you stop tormented by the question of why not everything in life is as you dreamed.
You are getting influx of vitality. It comes to you when you are ready to accept it and use it for the benefit of yourself and the world as a whole.
For me, an important practice that helped activate my life force was meditation. Here I already began to feel such strong flows of energy as never before.
This meditation fills me with new strength and energy if I need it. The flow of life force ceases to be an abstract concept and becomes yours.
You can fill yourself with energy whenever you need it and feel great at any time of the day.
As a result of all the work done, I began to write short poems and articles. You just read one of them. A year ago, I didn’t even suspect that this was possible and, to be honest, such thoughts didn’t even arise.
Now I have no doubt that each of us is unique in our purpose. Do not overshadow yourself with empty hopes, do not give up on your dreams, even if now it is unrealistic or invisible to you.
Take action, clear your mind of interference, and the results will delight you and your loved ones. Love will fill your hearts, and with this power we can do a lot.
Experiment and enjoy life, because you only have one. Find your source of inspiration and go deep into yourself, because only there there are all the answers to your questions.
"I don't live in this world to live up to your expectations.
and you do not live to justify mine"
Bruce Lee
The biggest disappointments in our lives are often the result of disappointed expectations. Especially when it comes to our relationships and interactions with other people.
Lowering your expectations will significantly reduce unnecessary disappointment, both in your life and in the lives of others, and will help you focus on what really matters.
Which means the time has come...
1. Stop expecting people to agree with you on everything.
You deserve to be happy. You deserve to live the life you want. Don't let other people's opinions make you forget about it.
You did not come into this world to live in accordance with other people's expectations, but you should not feel that other people live to meet your expectations.
In fact, the more correct you feel about your own beliefs in life, the less you need others' approval.
Allow yourself to be yourself and follow your own intuitive feelings, no matter how scary it may seem. Don't compare yourself to others. Don’t let other people’s achievements and successes dishearten you. Follow your own path and stay true to your own purpose. In the end, success is about living your life happily in your own way.
2. Stop expecting people to respect you more than you respect yourself.
True strength is in the soul and spirit, not in the muscles. It's about believing in yourself and being willing to behave accordingly. Decide once and for all to never again ask anyone for love, respect, or attention that you think you deserve.
Today, look at yourself in the mirror and say: “I love you, and from now on I will behave accordingly.” It is important to please others, but it is much more important to please yourself. When you love and respect yourself, you give yourself the opportunity to be happy. When you are happy, you become a better person.
3. Stop expecting (and needing) everyone to like you.
You may feel that you are worthless to one person, but at the same time you are priceless to another. Never forget what you are worth. Spend time with those who value you. No matter how friendly you are to people, there will always be at least one person who will judge you. Smile, ignore them and keep going.
In this crazy world that tries to make everyone the same, the toughest battle you will ever have to fight is the battle to be yourself. And while you fight, not everyone likes it. Sometimes people will insult you because you are “different.” But that's completely normal. What makes you different from others makes you you, and the right people will love you for that.
4. Stop expecting people to live up to your expectations of them.
Loving and respecting others means allowing them to be themselves. When you stop expecting people to behave a certain way, you can begin to appreciate them.
Focus on respecting people for who they are, not who you want them to be. Most people we don't know half as well as we think. Every person is amazing and beautiful, you just need to look patiently to see it. The more we get to know someone, the more we are able to look beyond the outer veil and see the beauty of who they truly are.
5. Stop expecting people to know what you're thinking.
People can't read minds. They will never know how you feel until you tell them yourself. Your boss? Yes, he doesn’t know that you are hoping for a promotion, because you haven’t told him about it yet. That cute guy you never talk to because you're too shy? Yes, that's right, he doesn't say hello to you only because you don't say hello to him either.
In life, you must communicate regularly and effectively with other people. And often you must be the first to raise your voice and say the first words. You yourself have to tell people what you think. It is so simple.
6. Stop expecting people to suddenly change.
If someone you care about has a habit and you hope it will change over time, it probably won't. If you really need to change something about a person, be honest and lay all your cards on the table so that person knows how you feel and what you want from them.
Although, by and large, you cannot change people, and there is no point in trying. Either accept them for who they are or live without them. This may sound harsh, but it's not.
When you try to change people, it often gets you nowhere, but when you don't try to change them - when you support them and give them the freedom to be themselves - they gradually change for the better. Because what really changes them is the way you look at them.
7. Stop expecting people to always be okay.
Be kind to people because everyone you meet is fighting the same battle as you. Behind every smile lies an internal struggle, as complex and unusual as yours.
Remember that striving for your light side does not mean ignoring your dark side. We are judged by our ability to overcome adversity and self-doubt, rather than avoid it.
Support, participation and assistance to other people are the greatest rewards of life. It's so natural because we are connected by very similar dreams, needs and challenges.
Once we acknowledge this, the world becomes a place where we can look into another's eyes and say, "I'm confused and struggling at the moment." And the person will nod and say, “Me too,” and that’s good. Because it's normal that people aren't always okay.
Afterword
People rarely behave the way you would like them to. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.
And remember, the amount of your happiness is directly proportional to your way of thinking.
Even if a situation or relationship doesn't work out at all, it's still worth it for you to feel something new and learn something new.
How to stop comparing and hoping? Accept defeat and grieve the irreparable loss of dreams, hopes, expectations...
By and large, this is the point from which all major life changes begin. “Everything that attacks us, from illness to floods, carries energy for my growth and development.” V. Gusev.
“While a person hopes that things will get better, that he will get better, that he will get better, that he will change, while he amuses himself with illusions that he can somehow adapt to the situation even more cunningly, file himself to the required (from the outside) parameters, endure, remain silent, not pay attention, be superior This means he closes the space for change with these hopes and illusions. He spends the time and energy on them that, if they had not gone there, would have gone towards changing the situation.
Change begins with a simple recognition of the fact: it will not get better. It won’t rub off, it won’t get better, living crooked is unpleasant, finishing yourself with a file is painful, you won’t be able to ignore it; and a miracle that rrraz! – and change the situation to a more convenient one, it won’t happen. It will either be the same or even worse.
After this, the instinct of self-preservation kicks in - and it’s a powerful, ancient structure, you can’t overcome it with some fantasies.” Elena Lukyanova.
“If we put a rat in a maze with four tunnels and always put cheese in the fourth tunnel, after a while the rat will learn to look for cheese in the fourth tunnel. Would you like some cheese? Zip-zip-zip into the fourth tunnel - that's the cheese. Do you want cheese again? Zip-zip-zip into the fourth tunnel - that's the cheese.
After some time, the great God in a white robe puts the cheese in another tunnel. The rat zip-zip-zip into the fourth tunnel. There is no cheese. The rat runs out. Again into the fourth tunnel. There is no cheese. Runs out. After some time, the rat stops running into the fourth tunnel and looks somewhere else.
The difference between a rat and a person is simple - a person will run into the fourth tunnel forever! Forever!
The man believed in the fourth tunnel. Rats don't believe in anything, they are interested in cheese. And a person begins to believe in the fourth tunnel and believes that it is right to run into the fourth tunnel, whether there is cheese there or not. A person needs rightness more than cheese.
But don't think it will be easy. You know you're right. Your whole life is based on the principle of being right. And the fact that you are suffering because something in your life is not working, that you have not had cheese since you were in the fourth grade, does not matter. You're right. Your belief systems are the best that the mind can create or that money can buy.
Your correct, intelligent belief systems are directly related to the fact that you don't get cheese. It's more important to you to be right than to be right, and you've been running through the fourth tunnels for years to prove it.
You know you're wasting your time in the fourth tunnels because sometimes you get a piece of cheese unexpectedly. You suddenly feel free, joyful, alive, so different from your usual state that you wonder if you had LSD in your morning coffee. "Wow! - you say to yourself. - This is huge. This must be preserved." And then - BANG! – it disappears. The more you try to get it back, the worse you feel.
You will never be able to find it in the same place. The Great God of Life in a white robe is always moving the cheese. You will never be happy trying to be happy, because your attempts are entirely determined by your belief that you know where the cheese is. As soon as you have an idea of what you want and where to find it, you destroy the chance of being happy, because... an idea or a belief destroys the experience.” Luke Reinahard "Transformation".
Once, having met a woman in a mourning black scarf on the street, I thought, it’s good that this ritual is still preserved, since it helps to legalize the experience of loss. Why don't people legalize mourning for unfulfilled dreams and expectations, relationships, by wearing, for example, a blue ribbon on their ankle? It’s easy to become discouraged. Going on a binge for a while or for life is even easier. Getting sick with a bunch of psychosomatic diseases is, after all, your most “favorite” activity. Antidepressants? So many people have them instead of dinner. Why not just allow yourself 40 days or even a whole year to live through the grief of an irreparable loss of hope?
Many continue to believe in the “fourth tunnel” even when they understand that it no longer exists and will never exist. Never. Admitting that you are wrong means admitting that your view of the world is wrong. Heartfelt. And this also deserves mourning for its erroneous ideas. But…
Let's imagine this scenario: the guy left the girl. Yes, he is a scoundrel and a scoundrel, as is commonly believed in this case, since he promised a bunch of everything and a small cart, and he, without explanation, went to another girl. He just wanted it that way.
In the classic version, the further development of the girl’s situation looks something like this; she tries to date guys, she even tries to fall in love, but she begins to compare potential partners with the one who left her. “The second one is not suitable. And the fourth one is not like that. The eighth is almost like that, but... I’m almost thirty. I’ll marry this eighth one, maybe with him I’ll stop comparing him with the one and only one.”.
“Wherever my inner gaze is directed, there I place my soul.” Unlived mourning for the loss of a past relationship prompts, voluntarily or involuntarily, to return the girl to thoughts and hopes: what if someday he comes to his senses and returns to me. At this time, her husband is completely unaware of why she is always petty about him. Either she has a headache, or she has “unreasonable” hysterics, and she takes it out on him and the children. But his wife herself may not even suspect what is happening to her.
On top of that, unconsciously, the wife wants her husband to compensate for the loss of her unfulfilled expectations in the relationship. In fact, from the very beginning he is a hostage: if he coped, well done, if he didn’t cope, he let down her expectations. But he won’t be able to cope, since not a single man in her life can become the ideal on which she is fixated.
If the husband knows about his wife’s previous traumatic relationships and tries to compensate, to make up for the irreparable, then there are not two, but three people in the relationship. What can such a relationship lead to?
All! Personal and family life is poisoned by comparisons and expectations. By comparing and expecting, a person deprives himself of the opportunity to let go of the old in order to let in the new. Rightness is more important ( but he/she loved me) rather than the unstable reality ( they were just words). What we end up with is what I observe in people: decades of their unlived life. Only a memorial service for lost hopes will save the situation... can save it.
I want to emphasize that men do the same in relation to their current chosen one, if the past relationship with the woman is not completed for him. That which is not completed is where a person unconsciously or consciously directs his energy to complete the situation.
Here is a brief scientific proof of what I wrote, based on my life and professional experience. “In a study by American psychologists Dennis Johnson and Caryl Rusbult, students rated the perceived success of a dating service that was allegedly launched on a university campus. They were shown photographs of people of the opposite sex - they said they had registered with this service. You had to look at the photo and evaluate how good a date with this person could be if it took place.
As a result, it turned out that those male and female students who were in pleasant relationships gave alternative partners low marks. And those who were not in a relationship or were not satisfied with it, gave high marks. So, it has been proven that if you don’t like anyone around you, then the problem is not in those around you (although it’s nice to believe this), but in you. A person remains in a relationship (i.e., committed to a choice once made), although the relationship has long ended. If a person wants to somehow correct the situation, then, first of all, he needs to look not for a suitable partner, but for those who have long been a thing of the past.”.
I recently spoke with a woman who had lived with hope and guilt for over forty years. My support and challenging her feelings of frustration helped her take action that allowed her to finally grieve the failed relationship.
At one time, I did not allow myself to grieve for unfulfilled dreams, because... Such experiences of grief went against my expectations of how I should behave in such situations. Repin's painting "They have sailed".
Remember the legend about a man and a woman, two halves who are looking for a meeting with each other? And how many expectations did this legend give rise to in the souls of people? The fact is that this myth was invented by Plato to explain and justify same-sex relationships, which at that time were legal, an integral part of culture and, moreover, considered as a virtue.
Even avid atheists begin to believe in God and fate when they want to wishful thinking. " He/she is my destiny, that’s it! how many coincidences and signs we have in life“- they tell me, not paying attention to REALITY. Then I saw how their expectations collapsed along with the “signs”. Wishful thinking is a chance, hope for eternal, real, unshakable, independent love.
One day I was walking down the street and happened to witness a conversation between two girls.
– Maybe he is your soul mate?- says one girl to another.
– Do you know how many of these halves I already had??
All! I heard nothing more, but that was enough. Of course, the reader, denying reality, may think that: “this girl simply hasn’t found her soul mate yet, because... But I, I will find my soul mate.”
For a successful life in a couple, coincidences in four parameters are enough. An ideal partner is someone with whom you are friends, (whom you can call your friend for real), whom you trust, and with whom you have a mutual attraction of body and mind. All! You can easily build your relationship on these parameters. This is your “other half”, which is worth taking a closer look at and trying to start living together.
The myth about two halves and the belief in the predestination of fate to be in a relationship only with this person greatly interfere with living the trauma of losing a relationship with this particular person when he leaves the relationship. The most that people often allow themselves to worry is their own mental pain from separation from a person. At the same time, they refuse to experience the fact that NEVER, under any circumstances, the previous relationship is possible. NEVER.
About a year ago, a woman came to my appointment with the request: “ Help me understand what kind of reality I live in: fictional or not" The story turned out to be classic, and just as classically dramatic. She fell in love with a man who, for objective and subjective reasons, could not and did not want to be in a relationship with this woman, but paid her attention. The woman denied admitting the fact that the man did not want to be in a relationship, since such an admission deprived her of hope for a more serious relationship (but he was interested in me). At the same time, it was emotionally painful for her to remain hopeful about a relationship - the woman needed a relationship that was impossible. She remained in this “suspended” state for five years.
I invited her to analyze all her previous relationships with the opposite sex and told her what actions she needed to take in order to face reality and survive the impossibility of past relationships. She didn't come to the next meeting. Do you know why?
« What prevents me from experiencing deep sadness is the feeling that my entire personality can dissolve in this deep hole, so people try to avoid living this feeling. This avoidance is called “dejection.” Dejection is an attempt to be “in the present”: there is no going back, and it’s scary to go forward.
I repeat that people avoid understanding. Everything related to grief, loss, disappointment and dying is usually drowned out by work, pleasant communication, alcohol, new relationships, promiscuous sexual relations... But all these experiences need to be given a place in your soul, to grieve, to get sick. And only then is it possible for a new cycle of life to emerge in place of the old healed wound.
What's interesting is that people think that this underlying sadness is caused by external circumstances. Actually this is not true. External circumstances are just a mirror, a reflection of internal events. Grief and sadness actually exist in a person; they are simply unlived experiences of the past, the distant past.”. Vyacheslav Gusev
In my practice, I have seen many times that a person is able to experience grief and mourn it. At first, without realizing the reason: a man is sitting next to me and crying bitterly. " I don't know why I'm crying or what's happening to me. I can not stop", people sometimes say. At this time, the only thing I can do and do is create an atmosphere of opportunity to grieve the irreparable pain of loss from lack of emotional support from parents, unfulfilled dreams and expectations, humiliation, physical or emotional, hopelessness, powerlessness, parting with a loved one...
Sadness and grief are the same valuable feelings as joy, love, sympathy... Any feeling we experience is our essence. Not wanting to experience a feeling, a person “cuts off” himself from the opportunity to know the depth of his soul, to know his true self. By experiencing feelings, a person synthesizes the denied part of himself. By synthesizing, it becomes filled. Great sadness can transform into great joy. He who avoids sadness will not see joy. Sadness brings a feeling of forgiveness.
About childhood and parents.
“An ordinary modern couple, trying to unite, are overgrown children, dragging behind them giant bags of unfulfilled childhood expectations. And at the first opportunity they warm their partner with this bag. The more mutual expectations there are, the more painful the union is. Feelings of guilt are guaranteed because none of these expectations can be fulfilled. Tired of mutual torment, partners can separate and go in search of next partners, sadly dragging heavy bags of expectations through life.
In wise cultures, to prevent such processes, rituals of male and female initiation took place, when the candidate for adulthood was helped to accept the fact that he will no longer receive everything he did not receive in childhood. This is sad, but there is no catastrophe in this, since a full life promises many new and good things. In wise cultures as wild as ours, the process of male or female initiation sometimes stretches throughout life, leading to a huge number of psychosomatic diseases, and is never completed during life. You will find a frozen expression on the faces of many old people. In the column for the cause of death of ninety percent of the civilized inhabitants of the earth, you can safely write: “failed to survive the trauma of growing up.” Funny and sad". Vyacheslav Gusev.
This is what Alexander Lowen wrote : “Both feel trapped, which reminds them of their childhood for different reasons. They may break the connection, they may struggle within it, or they may accept the loss of hope for love and joy. Such humility can lead to malignant neoplasms, the fight against heart disease. Breaking up a relationship is not a solution, as the next relationship is often no better than the previous one. In order to free themselves from this trap, the couple must work on their fear of love.".
On my own behalf, I would like to repeat and add that irreparable parental and partner expectations must be accepted and grieved, but NOT DENIED your right to love and joy. Accepting the fact that parental expectations are irreplaceable, loving and rejoicing, a person finds support within himself, and not in his partner. It is precisely such relationships that can bring a lot of lightness and joy.
Point of no return.
It is important to remember the trap: you can grieve the irreparable pain of loss, live through it, but get “stuck” in accepting love and joy, unconsciously avoiding relationships with your partner. Based on internal sensations and light spiritual joy, one may get the impression that the pain of loss has been lived through, although in fact, as my therapeutic experience shows, a person’s soul is closed to new relationships, to new ideas and projects, plans, adventures, so as not to be hurt again.
Many years ago I had a dream that I was lost in a multi-level basement. Even now, when I write these lines, I remember my feelings and hints in the dream, which were that the exit was at the very depths of the basement. It defied logic, but the truth was that the exit was downstairs. Now I interpret this dream as: “if you want to go free, live your emotions by immersing yourself in them.”
“This is about the question of whether it is possible to do something independently with the consequences of traumatic situations. It is forbidden. What is needed is an unclouded view from the outside, an understanding of how it works and a willingness to help a person as much as he needs in order for the process to become conscious and the difference between “there-and-then” and “here-and-now” to become visible. . You can immerse yourself in the experience so much that you don’t “swim out”, but you can “dive” with support and gain the experience of living through the experience.
The ability to distort perception and create illusions plays a large role in the formation of the so-called traumatic Defender in the psyche. If you try to describe in words how such a distortion works, it will look something like this: “in this situation there is some similarity with the one where I was hurt - which means this is the same situation in which I was once hurt.”
As you understand, there is no logic as such in this - the Defender, as they say, works proactively, according to the principle “what if?!”, rational thinking is not involved in this process. From the word absolutely. Because traumatic experiences have such a property - they “fall through”, bypassing the layer of the brain that is responsible for rational thinking, straight into those parts that are responsible for survival and self-preservation, “fight-flight-freeze” in its purest form and nothing more.” . Elena Lukyanova
Healing is moving towards the unknown, “training on cats,” as one famous movie said. What does it mean? If a person continues his previous lifestyle, being in his usual environment, without starting new relationships, while experiencing lightness in his soul after experiencing strong emotions, he protects himself from the possible experience of traumatic situations. This means that the emotional trauma has not been lived through.
If a person goes to meet the unknown, even experiencing excitement, but as if he says to himself: “ If something happens, I will experience it and change my attitude and character. How else will I know about my recovery if I don’t try??”, which means he is on the right path to recovery.
Yes, post-traumatics is possible with such a movement towards the unknown, but the risk of post-traumatics is higher for the person who protects his world with habitual actions when the situation gets out of control. In the very desire to control everything, there is already a lot of tension, often unconscious. A person lives like a compressed spring, although outwardly it may seem that everything is simply excellent for him.
It is important to clearly understand the difference when a person leaves a relationship due to the risk of possible post-traumatic stress ( I’m avoiding the opportunity to know myself in unknown relationships, projecting destructive action onto my partner), and I leave the relationship because it is impossible to place myself and my needs in contact with a person ( I’m leaving because I’ve come to know myself and want to preserve my integrity). The first version deals with the ongoing traumatic experience, and the second one deals with its completion.
Return.
“After experiencing emotional trauma, one may still feel a sense of inferiority and ingratitude. Unfortunately, with such a feeling of self, a person over and over again finds himself in situations of inappropriate treatment - in the family, at work, in other situations of social interaction - and does not try to leave these situations, explaining what is happening by saying that “it is his own fault.” )”, “that’s the only way with me, that’s the only way it’s necessary.” That is, in essence, he tells himself over and over again about what other people told him before.
The trap is that every person wants to consider themselves good and of high quality. This is fine. And he wants others to consider him good and of high quality. Wants to consider other people good and of good quality. This is also normal. There are many different ways to achieve this, but the most deplorable and unpromising is to try to convince yourself of your goodness by convincing someone who mistreats you of this. That is, “to earn love.”
It is precisely attempts to “earn love” and thus become convinced of their quality and worthiness that lead to people being stuck for decades in relationships with those who are not capable of giving this love. Point blank without noticing those who are both capable and ready. Because when you persistently and constantly look at one point, it is very difficult to see anything else around.”. Elena Lukyanova
Bodily symptoms.
The body is a “flash card” of our emotions and experiences. Now I remember one work where a client, recalling past experiences, returned bodily symptoms from twenty years ago.
“Does your body react now the way it did then?”
- Yes.
The symptoms were contained all this time. Often the physicality “gets used” to the symptom, and the person recognizes it as normal. It turns out like this: “If I don’t feel anything, then there is nothing.” In fact, it is, happened and is happening. Children sometimes close their eyes so as not to be seen.
Diseases happen. Often this is an indicator of broken contact between a person, a situation, and the way needs are realized. Illness is not something terrible, as is commonly believed, that needs to be gotten rid of immediately, but an opportunity to discover the lost connection between the body and emotions, needs and the way to realize them.
If, after traumatic situations, the body begins to behave in an unusual way, including the appearance of bodily symptoms and diseases, then the solution to this issue lies not in the use of drugs, but in bodily-emotional therapy. It is possible to combine drug treatment and dialogue psychotherapy.
It is important to know that with a psychosomatic illness, with only drug treatment, the symptom does not disappear, but “mutates” and adapts to something else.
For example, after severe emotional stress, a person develops insomnia. The function of insomnia is to prevent a person from sleeping in order to end the traumatic situation. But a person does not know this, and considers insomnia to be a disease. He takes an antidepressant because he thinks it's just depression. (Depression is being “stuck” in unlived mourning, unlived loss. Unreasonable depression has a reason). He is already sleeping soundly, but after some time he discovers hemorrhoids. Cured hemorrhoids - persistent insomnia and increased sweating appeared. I also cured these symptoms - the kidneys began to fail. Healed the kidneys...
"Good" and "bad" feelings.
I believe that bad feelings are those feelings that are not realized, are not expressed, do not help satisfy the need... That same thing, if not handled and understood properly, can bring much more mental suffering than a feeling of anger. Any feeling is a charge for action. Action can be constructive or destructive, but feelings remain only a charge.
At the moment of grief, it is important to understand about your feelings: what they are, how many there are, to whom they are directed... Most often, only unipolar feelings are found, which are generally considered to be either “bad” or “good”. If we return to the example about the girl who was left by her boyfriend, then the very fact of breaking up the relationship gives her the opportunity to legalize her feelings of anger and anger. Awareness and expression of feelings of anger and anger help to get through the breakup. But what does a girl do with those feelings of love, tenderness, care? Most often - blocks, denies. People know that it is difficult or impossible to have tender feelings for a person who did not live up to expectations. In this case, most often, there is an opinion that: “If I suppress love in myself, then it will be easier for me to forget him.” In fact, everything is exactly the opposite.
Suppressed feelings do not allow one to experience grief, and a person gets stuck on only one pole. You can only get stuck on tender feelings for a person who, for example, died, while not allowing yourself to admit your anger and anger towards the deceased. Does everything I’m writing now seem strange? Yes, this is at least strange, since it is not accepted in society, but it definitely occurs in all people who experience the trauma of loss and grief, sadness. All polarities and charges of feelings in loss occur. The ability to experience different feelings is the key to successfully dealing with the trauma of loss. Living feelings begins with their recognition and appropriation. Example: " Yes, I love you and I feel angry at your attitude towards me.”
How to get over a breakup in a relationship?
“... About the same as in business: 1) Recognize the problem, voice it and agree that it exists. 2) Assess the current situation, available resources, commitments, processes and plans. 3) Recognize that EVERYTHING is already impossible to achieve the intended goal. 4) Assess the damage, complete processes, divide assets and debts. 5) Divorce with sadness about what did not come true and gratitude for successful moments.
In a relationship, this means, at a minimum, the opportunity to honestly talk about a topic that in one way or another hurts both, mutual trust and confidence that out of fear, pain and resentment no one will rush to blame, beat, threaten and blackmail the other. Agreeing that even when interest has waned, there remains enough closeness between partners to support each other in sadness and grief. The ability not to suddenly run away, leaving the other alone and confused. The breakdown of a good relationship is not the fault of one of the participants, but a force majeure that strikes the couple. And if this is impossible, then was that relationship so close and good?
Let me emphasize again: if the relationship is quiet Not extinguished by themselves, it is impossible to complete them without pain, sadness, guilt and regret. It won't be easy. The only question is whether there is enough strength to bear this burden clearly and purely.” Andrey Novoselov.
Change of world view
“If you go to the right, you will find a wife, to the left, you will lose your horse, straight ahead, you will disappear.”. There are different variations of the inscription on the stone, but the essence remains the same. Initiation, and nowhere to go. You can, of course, turn back, but the next inevitable double or triple initiation may turn out to be incompatible with life.
“God does not give trials beyond his strength”, people like to say. Yes, if the person ACCEPTS the test; Look, it’s not clear where the strength and opportunity come from. The only way. "A time to scatter stones, and a time to gather stones"(Ecclesiastes). With or without inscriptions, it doesn’t matter. Initiation, and there is nowhere to escape.
And no matter how you look at it, after undergoing trials, it is impossible to remain the same, only the vector of the direction of your Soul can be destructive ( I hate the world and everything in it), or creative ( come up with it yourself). But it is important to know that the end of the period of sadness and grief is a change in life guidelines, desires, needs, and the meaning of life.
I somehow clearly understood for myself that the definition of a traumatic period in life that has passed is a feeling of increased kindness in the Soul. If a person treats a past traumatic situation with the same or similar feeling in the Soul as a positive past situation, the situation is over. You can, by inertia, worry and mourn the lost opportunity, but if at the same time there is gratitude to life in the Soul for the opportunity to change, the vector of the Soul’s movement has been chosen correctly.
To push yourself to dramatically improve something means losing the opportunity to get to know yourself more. When there is movement, there is always a result. Sometimes it seems that events and experiences stand still, but this is always just an appearance. At such moments, I get the impression that the Soul, in a “pause,” is saturated with strength in order to take the next important step.
New stage
I clearly remember the time when, after the sad moments of my life, in which I had to experience the whole gamut of feelings and reassessment of values, ideas and opportunities began to come into my life that would help me reach a different level of life. At first I was even a little taken aback, since a certain style of life and thinking had become rooted in the Soul, but then...
“If you want to have something you’ve never had, you’ll have to do something you’ve never done.” Coco Chanel. “Reflashing” behavior inevitably entails “reflashing” life. It sounds tempting and intriguing, but then I caught myself feeling that I doubted whether I wanted this new stage of life. What were my doubts? “I didn’t know how to live differently.
The fear of the unknown encouraged me to reject responsibility for a different quality of life. Dilemma: I reject what I was striving for. When the internal conflict reached its climax, he turned to his colleagues for help. From the outside it may seem strange, but believe me, when life changes dramatically for the better, you want to return to the familiar, old “chair”. Not because it’s better there - it’s just familiar and familiar there...
Systems strive for homeostasis; apparently, this is some kind of law of life of the system. Change is a small death; in order for change to occur, old views, ideas, attitudes must lose viability. And this is scary. Stability is also death, but less noticeable. Stability creates the illusion of security... until an explosion or revolution occurs.
In order not to return to my old lifestyle, I bought myself one thing that constantly reminded me of a new stage of life. I considered this important for myself, since the little thing helped me gradually get used to the new and let go of the old. By inertia, I continued to be sad and mourn past missed opportunities, but this did not prevent me from being grateful to life and people, and accepting new opportunities from life. The sadness gradually receded.
I am writing about my experience not to brag, but as an example that when the past grief recedes, when a new stage of life comes, you can frighten yourself with changes and return to your previous way of life. The temptation is great, and there are many reasons for this.
There may still be a need to compare and hope for something, but here it is important not to deceive yourself. An important step: take responsibility for a new stage of life or abandon it. Making a decision triggers possibilities. So it was and so it will be after. The article was written on May 19, 2016.