Have you ever met men who themselves remember important family dates - the birthday of their wife and children, their wedding anniversary, etc.?
If your answer is yes, that's amazing. Because most men only remember about the Eighth of March (such a fuss around, where can you forget...). Why is this happening? Are they really not at all interested in the events that these dates symbolize?
Alas, such memory notches are not a priority for men.
And there are psychological reasons for this: women and men have different life values. For ladies, personal life comes first - love, husband, children, family.
For a man, the main thing is the business he is doing, everything else is secondary, and, therefore, he devotes less time and attention to it.
Often a man deliberately does not remember dates and numbers, hoping that his wife or mother will remind him of everything in time and tell him what to do. So why fill your head with “extra” information?
The “forgetfulness” of men is also explained by the fact that holidays involve gifts, and buying them for the majority of the stronger sex is a heavy duty.
Men (with rare exceptions) hate shopping. After all, in addition to what they think is a waste of time, they have to make a choice - what exactly to buy as a gift.
Any woman knows: if we let this matter take its course, we risk becoming the owner of something unnecessary, for example, a hundred and one vase, another frying pan or perfume, the smell of which we don’t like at all.
Such cases often end in scandal, and is it any wonder that a man subconsciously tries to push all memorable dates into the farthest corner of his memory?
There is what psychologists call repression, but this is just a defensive reaction of the psyche, nothing more.
What to do if a man forgets important dates?
Do not be offended, do not press on your loved one and do not create scandals. Otherwise, it will only get worse: his subconscious will begin to push the moments associated with memorable dates further and further.
“I forgot,” your loved one will answer if you ask him touching moments an event that happened between you ten or more years ago. The author of popular books about family problems, American psychologist Scott Haltzman, claims that in relationships between a woman and a man, as a rule, the stronger sex does not remember anything, and the weaker sex is always ready with pleasure and gloating to recall all the nasty things in the smallest detail. In order not to subject their feelings to unnecessary tests, the psychologist advises couples in love to constantly remember that neither partner wants to harm or offend the other.
Memories in a woman's brain remain in everyone details, very clearly and for many years. Scientists explain this by the structural features of the female, in certain parts of which there is high blood circulation due to the female hormone - estrogen. For this reason, many women are not able to forget and forgive men for their offenses, which emerge in their memory with every quarrel and cause them feelings of deep resentment. Men, on the contrary, easily forget the negativity they have experienced and forgive their significant other all minor sins and missteps. But not betrayal, they specifically store information about it in their memory for a long time in order to take revenge at the first opportunity.
If you are more attentive, then very quickly notice that men can never confidently answer a simple question, what day of the week is it today or what date? It makes absolutely no sense for them to remember a huge number of different dates and promises that, in their opinion, do not matter. Men do not focus on wedding anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, Valentine's days, and so on. Taking this into account, it is better to remind your other half about the upcoming holiday in advance than to sulk for a long time and not talk.
It's another matter if a man tries to impress woman the desired impression and tells him about his financial condition, making it clear to his chosen one that the impossible does not exist for him. For example, it costs him nothing to buy her a fur coat, expensive jewelry, organize a vacation trip abroad, or get her a prestigious job with a good salary. Considering the fact that a woman loves with her ears, the weaker sex quickly responds to such promises and makes many mistakes. Then a long process of waiting for the promised gifts and benefits begins, but having achieved a woman’s favor, the man quickly forgets about what was said. If a man remembers his promises, then this indicates:
That he is well brought up;
- that he is ready for a serious relationship with a woman;
- that he has a “reminder” in his mobile phone, computer or notebook.
Anyway, there's nothing scary is to casually remind a man about his promises or an upcoming event. If he says that he doesn’t remember anything, there is no need to throw any hysterics or reproaches. At most, say that you are very sorry that his memory turned out to be so short. At the same time, watch his reactions; if you feel that he repents, then give him a chance to correct his mistake. Perhaps he thought too highly of you and wanted to be worthy of you. In this case, there is nothing wrong with his forgetfulness, just ask him next time not to give you empty promises.
Apparently precisely from ability of men don’t remember anything, and it’s related to how they behave after breaking up with girls they only recently met. It turns out that one month is enough for the stronger sex to come to their senses and find a replacement for their ex. At the same time, one out of four men is able to fall in love again and completely forget the one to whom he swore his love a month ago.
According to scientists, this a man's ability owe to the protective mechanism inherent in them by nature, which is designed to protect the damaged male pride. Meanwhile, after a breakup, women rarely rush headlong into new love; they can spend their entire lives analyzing the past and retaining in their memory the image of the man they loved.
If so, isn't it time for us women, just like men, begin to live, turning their gaze to the future. Do not think about the past, do not regret those who once underestimated us and abandoned us. What happened happened, which means it was not destined to become your destiny. Accept the event as it comes, forget those you loved in the past and appreciate those who love you and who are with you today. And be happy!
Valeria Protasova
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The happy course of married life can sometimes be disrupted by very small, almost imperceptible signs of inattention on the part of the husband or wife. The husband forgot to pick up the child from kindergarten on time, did not remember your wedding anniversary or your mother’s birthday...
Today we want to talk about male forgetfulness
- the reasons for this phenomenon, as well as methods to eradicate these problems
, interfering with a carefree life together.
So, 7 reasons for male forgetfulness - how to deal with it?
- Men cannot concentrate on several things at once
As you know, men feel and do everything differently than women. If nature has endowed women with the ability to do a lot of things at the same time and remember a lot at the same time, without missing anything, then men follow their goals, like steps, moving from one thing to another. Busyness at work, constant stress and high speed in completing his main work distract a man from matters that are not currently a priority for him. As a result, a man may forget about family dates or matters that do not correlate with his professional responsibilities.
If the reason for your man’s forgetfulness lies in the huge mass of professional responsibilities, do not be offended by him. He needs your help to overcome his forgetfulness, and reproaches and insults on your part will not lead to anything good. The best assistant in these matters is humor. Help your husband remember important dates and family matters with gentle reminders. Send him an SMS with the text “Guess what the date is today?” to work, or in the morning, before he leaves the house, put in his wallet (diary, pocket) a small piece of paper with a lipstick imprint - your kiss, and tell him again what he should not forget today. Over time, your man will learn to overcome forgetfulness, and such “signs” will only strengthen the relationship, giving an aura of romance. - For your man, the thing he forgot about is not so important
Women are more romantic and sophisticated in nature. Women are able to remember all the pleasant little things that accompanied the formation of your relationship. A man is not inclined to consider, for example, the date you met him or the date of your first kiss so important. As a result, you suffer from his inattention and forgetfulness, and he is perplexed about your claims.
If there have been a lot of cases of such forgetfulness in your man lately, think about whether you are being too picky with your loved one? If the dates that a man constantly forgets about are so important to you, use the advice from the first point, namely, find a form of romantic and unobtrusive reminder for your man. - Your man has memory problems
Your man began to forget about family events and affairs, as well as important meetings at work, performing any professional affairs and submitting reports on time. Health problems may be to blame for this, and you should not be offended by your beloved man, but urgently take care of his health. Let us remember that poor memory can be associated with a lot of health problems: genetic predisposition, vascular diseases, brain diseases, and lack of vitamins. Memory can be affected by the proximity of a nervous breakdown due to stress, bad habits - alcohol and smoking.
Obviously, to improve the health of a loved one, it is necessary to eliminate harmful factors from his life that negatively affect his memory, among other things. Encourage him to play sports with you (only together!), arrange evening walks, motivate him to give up “doping” - cigarettes and alcohol, prepare healthy vitamin dishes, arrange evenings and days of complete rest and relaxation together. Of course, if a man has persistent health problems, he needs to see a doctor and undergo a full examination. Your role in this is to support your husband and persuade him to go to the hospital. Read also: - Excessive mental stress can cause forgetfulness
A man’s physical work is one thing, and intense mental work or active creative activity is quite another. Carried away by his thoughts, a man is able to forget about the most important things, even those related to his family and children. There has long been an opinion that scientists are like children, they are brilliant in their thoughts, but in reality they can turn out to be helpless in the face of many responsibilities and even maladapted.
You remember the statement from point 1 that a man cannot keep many thoughts in his head at the same time. In parallel with reminding your man, give him visual “lessons” - for example, demonstratively “forget” about his birthday in the morning, forget to buy bread on the way home. Looking at himself from the outside, it will be much easier for your man to realize his omissions and never allow them again. - Chronic fatigue in men
Does your man work a lot, are stressful situations constantly arising in his professional life that do not add to his health and optimism? Because of his overwork, a man may forget about an appointed family dinner with his parents or about another date.
The last thing to do is to swear and get angry at the man in this situation. Family conflicts will only aggravate the already tense situation in the life of your loved one - stress and nervous breakdowns, as well as health problems, are not far away. To avoid this, be tactful and learn to get out of the situation when your husband forgets, for example, to come to a meeting with his parents. Help him, he will be very grateful to you for this, and will definitely eradicate his forgetfulness. - Forgetfulness from inattention
For this reason for a man’s forgetfulness, everything is simple. This is a trait of his character; he listens superficially to your requests and does not delve deeply into the essence of current affairs.
You can eradicate this reason by trying to remind him of important matters several times. Do not immediately rush into offense, but let the man understand that his frivolous attitude towards family matters offends you. At home, distribute family responsibilities and assign him, for example, responsibility for cleaning on Saturdays or going to the grocery store. - The irresponsibility of a man, his complete submission to the will of his wife
In those families where a man completely submits to his partner and takes a passive position in the relationship, he does not keep information about important matters in his head, relying on his wife’s activity. She will always remind him of what needs to be done and how, why will he bother his head with all sorts of nonsense? Read also:
Facts, dates, match results - men are real masters of this. Conversations, emotions, impressions - they can hardly recall them in memory. This is due to upbringing, as a result of which boys create different mnemonic filters than girls.
“Do you remember how we met them on vacation, what she told him, how she looked at him? I knew even then that this wouldn’t end well,” the girl’s monologue continued, and the man she was addressing was leisurely rummaging through his phone (I admit, yes, I eavesdropped on the subway). What was he supposed to do? Do you think he remembered “what she told him and how she looked at him”? Nothing like this! He doesn't remember such things. About which, however, she probably has complaints against him. But he most likely does not understand them.
Formation of memory
It seems that women have a memory like an elephant: they remember everything about everyone. Conversations, looks, emotions, events from which men have only very vague memories. That's why women get irritated. After all, men forget this. I'll tell you one thing: they don't really remember, they're not pretending.
At least that's what psychologists who study memory say. Azriel Grynsman and Judith Hudson from Rutgers University in the US conducted research that suggests there are differences between the way men and women form autobiographical memories. Women's ones turn out to be more lively, detailed, emotional, and include more cause-and-effect relationships. Men not only cannot remember many things from the past, but those that remain in their memory look more succinct: it is more likely a set of facts than history. This primarily concerns memories of oneself or events associated with other people.
Do these sex differences stem from differences in brain structure? This is, rather, the effect of a different approach to raising boys and girls, experts say: by talking with children of different sexes, we form a memorization mechanism in their brains, various mnemonic filters.
We learn from adults how to remember and select facts. The best time is between the second and sixth years of life. The basis of our memory is formed from the way adults talk to us and what things they pay attention to. We learn to make cause-and-effect inferences, to create stories from individual events.
Don't ignore questions
Childhood is a time when children ask a million questions. It is curious that many of them are, in principle, not even questions: the child asks, but does not expect an answer, since he answers himself. This is a manifestation of the so-called thinking out loud, which helps to better understand what the child takes part in, what surrounds him. The great teachers Jean Piaget and Stefan Szuman devoted their research to children's issues. Thanks to them, we know that questions play a vital role in shaping the way a child thinks. We can ignore them, we can lose patience, but it’s up to us what we teach our children.
We also ask children questions. Often, however, without expecting much in return. And we place much lower expectations on boys than on girls (as follows from the work of New Zealand scientists who analyzed conversations between parents and children; similar studies were conducted at Emory University and Cambridge).
It turned out that depending on how parents talked to their sons and daughters, children formed their memories differently. When adults asked a lot of questions about the emotions surrounding events and the relationships of the people involved, it was memorable. Similarly, when adults answered the same questions from children.
The problem is that we often focus on the emotional aspects of events in conversations with girls than with boys, as if in advance putting the latter in a losing position. Perhaps boys (and later men), in their forgetfulness regarding feelings, details, relationships, implement a given stereotype? Since we are convinced that boys will remember these aspects less well, we don’t ask about them, and as a result, they remember them less well. To confirm this, boys should be raised differently and talked to differently.
And this should be done not only so that they remember the past better, but also so that it will be easier for them in the future. It turns out that the story we create in our brains about ourselves has an impact on the quality of our lives.
Story gives meaning
Experts in the so-called narrative psychology study the plot tendencies of our brain. It was they who noticed that “history” is the main category that organizes the life of every person. Through telling stories about ourselves, we form our own identity, create connections with other people, and try to control reality.
Therefore, the same events often incline different people to polar reactions. Each of us has our own narrative scheme of events. Figuratively, this can be described in such a way that everyone is the hero of their own story.
The area of the brain that collects information from other parts of the brain and puts it together into a single whole is the parietal lobe. Thanks to it, we understand the situation, associate words with ideas, recognize grammatical structures, and evaluate spatial relationships.
Thanks to this part of the brain, the world seems coherent and consistent to us. The brain cannot stand inconsistency: unrelated facts, interrupted stories with a lot of omissions and omissions. It naturally strives to organize stored data: it creates cause-and-effect relationships and builds a story. Thus, we get the feeling that we live in an orderly world, where the effect follows the cause and everything is easy to grasp with reason.
By creating history, we organize chaos, give meaning and collect into one series part of those thousands of events and impulses that we encounter every day. The better we are at doing this, the happier we are. The easier it is for us to detect the emotions we feel, the easier it is to name and deal with them. At the same time, we better understand the feelings of other people.
Hope in books
You need to talk to children, you need to teach their brains to create stories: about themselves and about others, to pay attention to the feelings accompanying events, and not just to the facts. What if we didn’t do this? Does an adult man have a chance to catch up if he was not taught at the appropriate age to remember emotions, impressions and conversations?
It turns out that... books can become salvation. Psychologist Raymond Mar from the University of Toronto has shown through experiments that those who enjoy reading literary fiction cope better in various social situations, have a more developed ability to empathize and understand the reasons for the behavior of other people. In one of his experiments, the psychologist offered a group of subjects to read stories and philosophical essays without plot, characters or emotions. Then he asked the participants to describe the feelings and motivations for the actions of the characters depicted in the prepared illustrations. Those who had undergone “emotional training” by talking about other people performed better on the task. And those whose brains were occupied with a dry analysis of facts showed much less understanding of people's feelings.
Have you ever met men who themselves, without scandals or quarrels, remember significant dates for you - your birthday, the anniversary of your acquaintance or, if we are talking about your husband, your wedding? If your answer is yes, then you are very lucky. The maximum that the average man is capable of is to remember holidays such as New Year and March 8th. Why is this happening? Are these dates really not important to them at all, and along with them the events that they symbolize?
Deciding on priorities
As sad as it is to admit this, such memory notches are not a priority for men. And there are psychological reasons for this - women and men have different life priorities. Our personal life comes first - love, husband, children, family. For them, the main thing is the business he is doing; everything else, including his personal life, is secondary, and, therefore, he devotes a little less time and attention to it.
“What should I give you, my dear man?”
The forgetfulness of men is also explained by the fact that holidays involve gifts, and buying them for most men is a heavy duty. The stronger sex - with rare exceptions! – can’t stand shopping. Therefore, if some force forces them to go there, they become, to put it mildly, inadequate: some fall into panic, some into irritation, and some into despair. The fact is that in addition to what they think is an empty pastime, they have to make a choice - what exactly to buy as a gift. There is, of course, a certain percentage of men who do not hesitate to ask a woman this question: “The holiday is coming. What should I give you?”, but, alas, it is insignificant. The rest want to give their lady a surprise, but it doesn’t always work out.
Any woman knows: if we let this matter take its course, we risk becoming the owner of something unnecessary - for example, the one hundred and first vase, which there is nowhere to put, or even something absurd - in the form of a frying pan or a spinning rod. If you have already had such cases and ended, which, in general, is quite understandable, in a scandal, then is it any wonder that a man subconsciously tries to push all memorable dates into the farthest corner of his memory, from where it is then almost impossible to retrieve them? There is what psychologists call repression, but this is just a defensive reaction of the psyche, nothing more.
Wand-lifesaver
Often a man deliberately does not remember dates and numbers, hoping that his wife - or mother - will play the role of a kind of lifesaver or secretary who will remind him of everything in time and tell him what to do. So why fill your head with “extra” information?
Getty Images/Fotobank
Memory gone
Although bad memory is usually called a girl’s memory, in fact, women have much better memory than men. Especially with regard to events of varying degrees of prescription. A woman, as a rule, remembers the moment she met her loved one down to the smallest detail: no matter how many years have passed, she will tell you what the weather was like that day, what she and he were wearing, what music was playing in the cafe and even what shoes he was wearing. on the waitress. As for the man, he only remembers the fact of meeting him, but if you ask him in what context this happened, you will most likely confuse him. And this in no way characterizes his attitude towards this woman, but speaks of the peculiarities of the structure of male memory.
Begin with yourself
So, what to do if your loved one does not remember memorable dates for your couple and, accordingly, is in no hurry to congratulate you on these days? First of all, don’t be so quick to get offended. Firstly, resentment is a bad advisor; under its influence you can do a lot of things that you will later regret. Secondly, resentment is a secondary process; its cause, most likely, is either some kind of problem in the relationship or your lack of self-confidence. And without eliminating the internal cause, you will not solve the problem.
As for the line of conduct, the most important thing here is not to press on your loved one and not create scandals. Otherwise, it will only get worse - his subconscious will begin to push the moments associated with memorable dates further and further. You can try to accept everything as it is and not pay attention, or you can unobtrusively remind your beloved man about the upcoming holiday. By the way, many people do this and are quite satisfied with themselves and life.