1. The psychological essence of loneliness.
2. Types (types) of loneliness.
3. The nature and manifestation of personal loneliness.
4. Basic ways and means of getting rid of loneliness.
“Communication is the only luxury a person has.” (Exupery)
"Hell is different." (Sartre)
For some, loneliness is torment, for others, happiness ==> an ambiguous assessment of loneliness.
Loneliness comes from the word “alone.” But loneliness and physical isolation are not the same thing. Physical isolation should not be viewed negatively. A person who is alone does not always experience loneliness.
But you can be alone and not feel lonely, or you can be in a crowd, among friends and feel lonely.
Loneliness is the antithesis of a person’s rich inner world. It's not boring to be alone ==> the need for solitude. The measure of the need for communication is determined by the level of a person’s spirituality.
Loneliness is a specific form of human self-awareness, associated with difficult and painful emotional experiences and caused by a severance of a person’s connections with the external (physical or social world) or with himself.
Depending on which connections are broken, 4 types of loneliness are formed.
Types of loneliness.
1. Cosmic - a person feels a break in connections with the Universe, space, nature, God. Loss of connections with oneself (it is in this case that a person experiences the most terrible loneliness - connections with oneself are severed), because his abilities and talent are not realized, he lives someone else’s life.
Example: housewives (dissolve in the family). No realization of your potential. ==> Exit: self-realization!
2. Cultural loneliness occurs if a person’s personal values do not correspond to the values of the society in which he lives, because it turns out that he lives in an alien world. Therefore, cultural loneliness is most often experienced by emigrants, dissidents, poets, and people who have experienced profound social changes.
3. Social – when a person’s ties with the group he would like to be a part of are severed. He was expelled, rejected, not accepted.
Example: college, work.
Example: homosexuals, traitors, criminals, pensioners. A person feels superfluous, unrecognized, an outsider. A person often experiences feelings of fear, shame, anxiety, etc.
4. Personal or interpersonal loneliness - breaking ties with other people. A person has no friends ==> lack of friendly, trusting, intimate communication.
Manifests itself in 2 forms:
1) social isolation (no friends) – lack of friendly communication;
2) emotional isolation (a person cannot open up or trust anyone, not even his best friend) - the most severe form of loneliness.
Example: “My husband doesn’t understand me.”
Causes and manifestations of personal loneliness . Depending on the underlying reasons, there are 3 types of personal loneliness.
1. True loneliness (the concept is borrowed from the works of existentialists).
2. Pathological loneliness is caused by mental disorders, one of the main reasons is schizophrenia.
3. Forced loneliness.
1. Existentialists consider loneliness to be a specific feature of humans, as opposed to animals. No one can fully understand or accept us. “We are all imprisoned in the solitary chamber of our Self.” Solidarity with others is always superficial, illusory. “I celebrate my loneliness” - since you cannot get rid of loneliness, you need to change your attitude towards it.
2. Lack of desire to communicate ==> pathological loneliness. A person voluntarily limits the number of contacts with other people; communication can cause boredom and irritation.
3. Forced loneliness - restrictions on the circle of friends are forced. The reasons for forced loneliness lie in the individual himself or in the characteristics of the situation. Depends on the situation (the circumstances of life):
● serious illness,
● loss of a loved one (loss – death, divorce),
● moving (change of residence).
But the situation changes and loneliness stops - which does not happen if the cause of loneliness is in the individual.
The main personality trait that gives rise to loneliness is self-esteem (SE).
Low CO, inferiority complex ==> limits social circle ==> loneliness.
High CO, arrogance, disdainful attitude towards other people ==> loneliness.
But loneliness leads to lower self-esteem. The most powerful root of personal loneliness is low CO.
Basicmanifestation of personal loneliness .
Manifests itself in the emotional sphere: negative emotions (boredom, sadness, anxiety, fear, depression, despair.
From boredom to despair. In the end, a lonely person decides: “To be or not to be.” The worthlessness of your life.
But at the same time, the nature of the emotions of a lonely person depends on the nature of the attribution of his loneliness: if he blames others for his loneliness (external attribution), he is not loved ==> anger (after all, he deserves love) and bitterness; if he sees the reasons for loneliness in himself (stupid, ugly)
==> sadness, anxiety, melancholy, depression.
All lonely people are depressed people. (Depression is an indicator of loneliness).
How do lonely people behave, their behavior?
1. Sad-passive - I do nothing, cry, overeat, drink pills, alcohol, drugs, TV, communicating with myself, with animals, etc.
2. Active solitude - studying, playing sports, listening to music, etc.
“Sad passivity” is a response to loneliness for those who are chronically and deeply lonely. Such people are in a state of lethargic self-compassion, which pushes other people away from them and thereby closes a vicious circle: low CO? loneliness.
“Active solitude” is a fruitful and creative use of time spent alone, a kind of alternative to loneliness (“A hard-working bee has no time to be sad!”). But sometimes such activity becomes meaningless: a person diligently and intensively engages in useless, “empty” work, just to drown out loneliness, removal from direct, live communication with people with stereotyped and far-fetched activities.
Thus, loneliness is a highly subjective, highly individual and often unique experience. For one, it is a desperate longing for lost love and a loved one, which he tries to drown out through alcohol and drugs; for another it is a passing feeling of boredom due to the lack of communication; for a third it is the tragedy of life, a feeling of meaninglessness and uselessness of one’s own existence. In any case, lonely people feel unhappy.
Hence the problem ==> how to get rid of loneliness?
Ways to get rid of loneliness depend on what caused the loneliness and how a person experiences his loneliness (emotions and behaviors).
Possible output:
1. Increase CO.
2. Learn communication skills.
3. Change your attitude towards loneliness.
If you cannot change either your circumstances or yourself, one thing remains: change your attitude towards loneliness, using the advice of existentialists: “Happiness belongs to those who are content with themselves. Loneliness is a date with yourself. I celebrate my singleness!” It is necessary to overcome the fear of loneliness and learn to use it positively.
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TO classification of types of loneliness in modern psychology
In modern psychology, there are several classifications of the state of loneliness. We will focus on a detailed description of one of them. personality loneliness clinical alienating
The first type of state of loneliness is associated with the predominant action of isolation mechanisms in the psychological structure of the individual, the extreme form of which is alienation: from other people, norms, values, a certain group, the world as a whole. In this case, identification processes operate within the boundaries of one’s “I”; a person is aware of his state and often understands what causes it. This type of condition is called alienating loneliness.
The second type is due to the predominant action of identification mechanisms. As a result, a person, getting used to identifying himself with other people, a group, gradually loses his “I”, which becomes alien, incomprehensible and frightening. Since the dominance of one tendency does not mean the complete blocking of another, the mechanisms of isolation still manifest themselves, but the range of their action is extremely narrow and is determined by the blurred, unclear boundaries of one’s own “I”. Due to the fact that this type of state of loneliness is caused by the subjective loss of one’s own “I”, its dissolution in society, depersonalization of communication, alienation from oneself, it received a nomination - diffuse (from the Latin diffusio - spreading, spreading).
From the point of view of normativity, both of these types can have the same extent, a continuum from normal to borderline, depending on the depth of experience and the duration of the condition. There is a direct pattern here: the longer the disequilibrium of the tendency is observed, the deeper the state of loneliness, which, in the diffuse version, can be unconscious. The determining factor in both cases is alienation: in the first - from others, in the second - from oneself.
The next type of loneliness is dissociated (from the Latin dissociatio - separation), which is the most complex state, both in terms of experiences and origin and manifestations. Its genesis is determined by pronounced processes of identification and alienation and their abrupt change in relation to even the same people. First, a person identifies himself with another, accepting his way of life and following it, trusting infinitely “as in himself.” It is this “as oneself” that forms the basis for understanding the psychological genesis of this state. After complete identification, there follows a sharp alienation from the same object, which reflects a person’s true attitude towards himself: Some aspects of his personality are accepted by a person, others are categorically rejected. As soon as the projection of these rejected qualities is reflected in the object of identification, the latter is immediately rejected entirely, that is, a sharp and unconditional alienation occurs. The feeling of loneliness is acute, clear, conscious, painful. This type of loneliness belongs to the category of borderline states; it does not have a normal manifestation.
A subjectively positive type of loneliness - controlled, or solitude - is a variant of the experience of psychological isolation, awareness of one’s own individuality, autonomy, selfhood. In the context of personal genesis, this type is determined by the optimal ratio of the results of the processes of identification and separation! This dynamic balance can be considered as one of the manifestations of the psychological stability of the individual relative to the influences of society, the mechanisms of which are the ability to self-regulation and reflection. This is a normal state of normal loneliness.
It should be noted that in the absence of psychological and psychotherapeutic assistance, alienating, diffuse and dissociated loneliness can develop into a clinical form, which is assessed by psychotherapists and psychiatrists as a pathology and, accordingly, requires medical intervention.
Each of the presented types of loneliness has its own characteristics and patterns in terms of genesis and manifestations in human behavior and life.
Alienating loneliness
The very word “alienating”, in comparison with the word “alienated”, implies the extent of the process and state in time. This term seems to emphasize the dynamics of the process of alienation, that is, it not only states the type of loneliness, but also suggests its deepening. In addition, this implies the two-way nature of the action of the alienation mechanism: on the part of the subject and on the part of the object, which certainly increases the psychological distance between them. The more alienated objects in a person’s life, the more likely the experience of loneliness. Of course, what is meant here is not alienation from an immoral or immoral environment, but alienation from those objects that were previously close, necessary, and attractive.
An extreme degree of alienation from the world always causes an acute feeling of loneliness. Severe alienation leads to a loss of emotional connection with other people, familiar places, previously dear memories, situations and experiences that become alien to the individual, and relationships with them become meaningless. Gradually, alienated objects accumulate in the consciousness, the action of the alienation mechanism becomes wider and deeper, and the subject begins to seem to lose touch with the world around him. Aware of the physical reality of objects, he does not allow the possibility of psychological intimacy with them, always maintaining the distance he has established. Depending on individual characteristics, this can manifest itself in high anxiety, fear, aggressiveness, hostility, skepticism, loss, etc.
It should be borne in mind that with progressive alienation, one’s own “I” appears strange and alien to the person. It cannot be said that a person has lost his “I”; rather, he has lost the belonging of this “I” to himself. “I” really exists, a person knows its features and characteristics, but it gradually turns into the category of objects subject, like all others, to alienation. Life becomes meaningless and empty. Interaction with any new object may be of interest only for the purpose of “greasing the wheels” of the alienation mechanism. The cognitive sphere is involved as a tool for cognizing what is to be distanced from.
When the objects of alienation - other people - make contact less and less often and stop offering the subject their participation, he begins to feel “vague melancholy”, anxiety for no reason, anxiety (this is how many of our clients defined their condition). Objects of alienation are close people, friends, relatives, acquaintances. They know quite well the character, habits, and lifestyle of the subject of loneliness and may experience mental pain and psychological discomfort from his progressive alienation and distance. Therefore, it is not surprising that someday they begin to pay him back in the same coin - with the help of the same psychodynamic mechanisms they are also able to alienate themselves.
Long-term, persistent and unambiguous alienation will inevitably cause mutual alienation on the part of its objects in the person of living people. When the subject of alienation - a person experiencing loneliness, becomes an object of alienation from people close to him, he begins to experience even more acute attacks of this condition. Of course, such people evoke sympathy, just like others experiencing loneliness, but it is more difficult to help them, since the well-functioning and two-way mechanism of alienation prevents mutual discovery and acceptance. Here it is necessary to use special psychotechniques in order to reach the level of interpersonal interaction with the client that is necessary for assistance.
In the absence of psychological help, alienating loneliness can become clinical. On the other hand, we have experimentally confirmed cases of transformation of alienating loneliness into solitude, behind which there was corresponding psychological and psychotherapeutic work.
Diffuse loneliness
Diffuse loneliness occurs when the subject has a predominant tendency to identify himself with other people, social groups, ideas, etc.
The concept of “identification” was first introduced by Z. Freud to interpret the phenomena of pathological depression. This gives grounds to consider extreme forms of identification as one of the causes of borderline mental states and disorders. Why does this happen? What is the basis for this?
It is clear that a person who identifies himself with another refuses to demonstrate his own true characteristics, aspirations, and interests. He doesn’t just imitate another, he “gets used to” him. A person begins to live not “from himself,” but from the object of his identification. What comes first here: the loss of “I” or the predominance of identification?
In fact, it is a vicious circle: one thing leads to the other, and not only leads, but also strengthens. The starting point here is dissatisfaction with oneself, dissatisfaction with one’s own life. Lack of self-acceptance encourages a person to either seek ways of self-improvement or copy the one(s) who seems successful or simply happy with life.
The process of self-improvement is quite complex, requiring not only time, but also strong-willed and intellectual efforts, the development of emotional stability and much more? In addition, deep self-knowledge is absolutely necessary here, and this is what causes discomfort and pain, because, in essence, there is nothing to know. There is nothing - in the sense of nothing good - a person does not know in himself, he does not find, due to closedness, unrealized bright potential, and from the bad in himself he wants to hide, take refuge under the mask of another personality, supposedly successful or simply good. Therefore, most often a person, getting rid of the pain of realizing his own imperfection, leaves himself, filling the resulting vacuum with someone else's existence. And this is always tragic. It is possible that there is nothing more tragic for the human soul. A person feels uncomfortable even in someone else’s costume.
Diffuse loneliness, associated with one or multiple attempts to identify with another person or people, takes the subject further and further from his own existence, which inevitably manifests itself not only in the experience of loneliness, but also in a huge fear of it.
So, the need for identification with another is naturally associated with a person’s loss of his own “I”, which leads to a feeling of deep existential loneliness, being lost in the world and fear of this world. A similar thing is described by D. Riesman in the book “The Lonely Crowd”: the loss of one’s own individuality or lack of awareness of it makes a person lonely. The formal association of such people creates a “lonely crowd” that functions according to the laws of the crowd, rather than of a conscious group or society. The existence of individuals who make up the “lonely crowd” is characterized by an overabundance of formal communication, an active search for intimacy and privacy, an urgent need for unity with another person and, worst of all, the impossibility of the latter.
The unity of one person with another is possible only on the basis of the participation of two individuals in the idea of mutually divided existence. Unity is the prerogative of developed individuals, it is a conscious choice of self-aware subjects. Unity is not available to those who are not sufficiently self-aware, much less have lost their own “I”.
Thus, the conclusion suggests itself: the development of self-knowledge and self-awareness is a natural process of a psychologically healthy person, which means that diffuse loneliness cannot be characteristic of her and is an indicator of the opposite, that is, psychological ill-being - ill health.
In a state of diffuse loneliness, a person strives for other people, hoping to find in communication with them confirmation of his existence in the world, his own significance. When this cannot be done, the disturbing feeling of loss of one’s own “I” grows more and more. But this cannot be done for at least two reasons. Firstly, the subject of diffuse loneliness, so to speak, has nothing to communicate with. After all, communication is an activity that presupposes its own subject, that is, the one who carries out this activity with his personality and consciousness. If a person identifies himself with another, it means that he renounces himself, accepting and trying on someone else’s personality and someone else’s consciousness.
Dissociated loneliness
This type of loneliness especially stands out from its three destructive forms. Firstly, it is due to the maximum degree of expression of identification - isolation in general, and often - in relation to the same object. Secondly, the change of two trends occurs spasmodically - from maximum to maximum. Of course, this drains the human psyche very quickly.
It has been noticed that this type of loneliness is characteristic of people with an expressive psyche. Their emotions manifest themselves vividly, sometimes violently, and their ability to self-regulate is significantly reduced. It’s easy to guess how difficult it is for such people to communicate, much less make friends or love. The proverb “From love to hate is one step” is directly related to them. We do not claim that this proverb is only about them, but that it is also about them - of course.
One of the reasons for this state is the discovery in the object of identification of those personality traits that, although the subject himself has them, are not only not recognized by him, but are also sharply rejected. A person experiencing such loneliness looks at another as if in a mirror. He does not simply identify with him, as in a case of diffuse loneliness, but seeks HIS reflection in another, seeks himself through another. Therefore, it would be more accurate to say that he does not so much identify with others as he requires identification with himself. It’s as if he shows by his own example how to treat him.
The initial stage of such a process can be conventionally called indicative identification. A person shows what he needs from another, but does not explain why, even to himself. This indicative identification is, as it were, an advance payment for identification with oneself. A person in dissociated solitude, as it were, buys from the object his upcoming unity with himself. The remarkable thing is that he does not ask for consent, but simply acts as a buyer in the market. Therefore, the very likely refusal of the object from such a merger is perceived by the buyer as a violation of the contract and, of course, is condemned.
In dissociated loneliness, people look for those who are ready to serve as a mirror, not a partner. And not a simple mirror, but a crooked one, reflecting only what it is ordered to reflect, regardless of the actual presence of this in the individual. It is not always possible to find such people-mirrors, so the experience of loneliness is not only probable, but also characterized by complexity, ambiguity and particular severity. In addition, even if it is possible to find a mirror person, he will still not be able to satisfy the person who was looking for him for any long time.
Very interesting are those people who agree to such an absurd “modeling”, that is, objects of identification. Such a trait as the willingness to reflect everything positive that is supposedly present in subjects of dissociated loneliness is a prerequisite for the object of identification. Therefore, the choice of these objects is not as rich and not as interesting as that of people experiencing diffuse loneliness. With diffuse loneliness, for identification, it is not so much the characteristics of the object that are important, but rather its state (far from normal, calm), and with dissociated loneliness, the personal characteristics of the person with whom identification is supposed to become decisive. These features may have a certain range, but the main thing is subordination, complaisance, humility, the absence of selfish, aggressive and authoritarian tendencies, non-conflict - all that is commonly called gentleness or a gentle character.
One of the defining characteristics of this type of loneliness is that in this state a kind of ghost of dissociation appears: the person is internally almost divided, but not into separate individuals, as is the case with mental disorders, but into a “good self” and a “bad self.” At the same time, the “good self” is recognized and awarded “undeserved medals,” that is, it is endowed with the most beautiful features, which in reality are either not present at all, or their seeds are present, but not even the sprouts. Therefore, the image of “I am good” is always distorted and inadequate. Everyone has it to varying degrees, but it is definitely distorted. This might suggest inflated self-esteem, but this is not the case. Self-esteem swings in exactly the same way as the subject’s “pendulum” - from inadequately high to inadequately low. Therefore, a subject of dissociated loneliness, looking at another as in a mirror, can potentially see two pictures: beautiful and terrible. If a beautiful reflection of oneself has a generally beneficial effect on a person, then a terrible, ugly one, of course, is repulsive. It is not difficult to understand that when such a person sees in another his embellished (by himself!) image, he willingly and fully identifies with this other, finding good qualities in him “as a sign of gratitude.” But when suddenly, against the background of, of course, fictitious, not true well-being, he discovers a negative image of himself in the mirror, a sharp and unconditional alienation occurs, which is also accompanied by a feeling of betrayal.
In this state, the feeling of abandonment and misunderstanding by those who were previously close and understood is especially acute. It is clear that those who were close before remain close now, and in the same capacity. But for subjects of dissociated loneliness, not only their own image is distorted, but also the attitude of other people towards it. As soon as someone close to you allows even a hint of some of his unseemly actions, dictated by unseemly character traits or socially unacceptable personal characteristics, a sharp alienation from them occurs. The wounds caused by such complete alienation are usually very painful, not only for the one who is alienated, but also for those from whom they are alienated. In other words, a person experiencing dissociated loneliness, due to the characteristics of this condition, is very painful and deeply traumatizing to those close to him.
A person experiencing dissociated loneliness is jealous of his “mirror” - it should belong only to him. And only with special permission, “under very sensitive guidance,” and very rarely, is anyone allowed to look briefly into this unfortunate “mirror.” Rarely and not for long, because the most protected thing from the mirror is knowledge of the world, life, other people. It is possible that dissociated loneliness strikes those for whom feelings of possessiveness cloud their personality.
Another possibility is that a sense of possessiveness develops as a consequence of this type of loneliness. This issue requires study. In any case, those who experience such loneliness usually turn out to be very jealous and possessive.
The question of what comes first—personal characteristics or the type of loneliness experienced—is asked quite often. To answer this, longitudinal studies are needed, which are very difficult to organize. After all, those who are already experiencing loneliness turn to a psychologist, so the diagnosis of personality traits and characteristics is carried out not before the onset of this condition, but during it. The sample of those who successfully transformed negative types of loneliness into subjectively positive ones is smaller in number and does not allow us to make generalizations applicable to the general population.
In fact, all psychological, psychocorrectional, psychotherapeutic techniques and techniques are based on the moral, positive, constructive characteristics of clients. It is these qualities, traits and characteristics that a psychologist relies on when working with those who turn to him for help. If such qualities are named, but are actually absent, one cannot count on them, and psychological work becomes significantly more complicated.
Clinical forms of loneliness
These forms of loneliness, in fact, must be considered within the framework of psychopathology.
Such experiences of loneliness can be observed in some patients in the neurosis department with a medical diagnosis of depression, or in a crisis hospital, which is much less common. It is even rarer for loved ones of a person experiencing such loneliness to seek psychological help at home. The person himself, experiencing such loneliness, does not turn anywhere; he is practically “turned off” from life. Often he cannot even serve himself, poorly understanding or not understanding at all what is happening around him.
These people have (among others) a medical diagnosis of depression. What comes first in this case: depression or loneliness is more a medical question than a psychological one. In this case, if a psychologist provides any assistance, it is only in collaboration with a psychotherapist and psychiatrist.
Movement is life, everything in the world moves, changes, and therefore exists. The laws of dialectics apply to all spheres of existence, including mental life. Therefore, sooner or later, diffuse, alienating or dissociated loneliness can spread throughout mental life, disconnecting a person from society. Clinical forms of loneliness should be assessed as at least borderline conditions, although our observations suggest that they are more like pathology itself.
Solitude as a positive experience of loneliness
Solitude as a subjectively positive type of loneliness was derived on the basis of a number of theoretical premises of A. Maslow and other foreign and domestic researchers, analysis of the biographies of some outstanding scientists, writers, artists, musicians, as well as our own observations.
The interpretation of solitude is based on the theory of self-actualization of the individual, some provisions on the psychological stability of the individual, and ideas about the role of loneliness in human life that developed in Russian philosophy of the 19th century. The condition for the genesis and manifestation of solitude is the psychological stability of the individual, combined with a pronounced tendency towards self-actualization. The action of the identification and isolation mechanisms in this case is optimally balanced, the “stroke” of the pendulum is easy and free. We believe that this type of loneliness can be either the result of successful therapy for diffuse, alienating and dissociated loneliness, or a non-independently developed life strategy. In the first case, the strategy of psychological assistance consists in the formation of psychological stability, which is impossible without the individual’s tendency to self-actualization. In the second case, we can observe a psychologically stable person actively striving for his own self-actualization.
Solitude is a favorable state of subjectively accepted loneliness. The range of “norm” and the existence of loneliness is set by the conventional boundaries of the manifestation of solitude. Next are the borderline states of diffuse, alienating or dissociated types of loneliness, followed by a pathological state - the clinical form of loneliness.
Thus, considering the phenomenon of loneliness in its integrity, extent, continuum, we highlight its positive and negative impacts on the individual and explore the reasons for them. The main reason that determines the nature of the impact of loneliness on a person and his life as a whole is the peculiarities of the intrapersonal genesis of this mental phenomenon. Alienating, diffuse, dissociated and, of course, clinical forms of loneliness have a negative impact. Solitude is a necessary component of self-knowledge, self-determination and personal growth of a person, that is, it has a positive, constructive effect on the psyche.
Literature
1. Asmolov A.A. Cultural-historical psychology and the construction of worlds. - M..-Vn., 1996.
2. Korchagina S.G. Psychology of loneliness. - M., 2008.
3. Kuznetsov O.N., Lebedev V.I. Psychology and psychopathology of loneliness. - M., 1972.
4. Labyrinths of loneliness / Transl. from English; compilation, general editing and preface by N. E. Pokrovsky. - M.: Progress, 1989. - 624 p.
5. Mukhina V.S. The problem of personality genesis. - M., 1985.
6. Orlov Yu.M. Ascent to individuality. - M., 1991.
7. Rogers K. Towards the science of personality // History of foreign psychology. Texts. - M., 1986.
8. Fromm E. Flight from freedom. - M., 1990.
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Existential loneliness is a kind of melancholy, strong mental anxiety combined with sadness and boredom, which a person experiences constantly or at certain periods of life.
Let's take a closer look - what kind of condition is this, how is it experienced, what are the reasons for its occurrence?
There are two types of loneliness - external and internal. External loneliness is a simpler state; as a rule, it is tied to internal processes.
What could be the reasons for loneliness?
First of all, this is non-acceptance of oneself as an individual (a person feels that he is completely different, therefore he is ashamed of himself and his characteristics, because otherwise simply no one will accept him in this society, those around him, like himself inside his consciousness, will reject him - “I I know that this person will definitely reject me. It can’t be any other way!”); projective evaluative critical thinking in relation to others (“All people are stupid, bad, unsatisfactory, uninteresting, etc.”). Two situations can arise here - when a person is of little interest even to himself, or, on the contrary, he is too interested in himself (accordingly, those around him are very “faded” in comparison with him).
Another option is a painful story from childhood, directly related to relationships with early attachment figures (mom, dad, grandparents), who rejected, criticized and did not accept the child into their “group” (“Here we are adults, smart and interesting, and you sit in your corner and don’t interfere in adult conversations”). As a consequence, this behavior will be repeated into adulthood with other people, even those with whom the person has not yet entered into a relationship. The whole point is that certain changes have already occurred within the individual’s consciousness due to previous childhood relationships, she was rejected and returned “to the corner,” so she tries not to face her shame and disappointment in people.
At the root of the problem is a deep distrust of people, a lack of faith in the sincerity and integrity of others, and in general an inability to trust (we are not talking about trust in material assets or, for example, a car; in the context - trust in a person’s deep experiences, which are very important to him) .
In addition, here we may be faced with a susceptibility to idealization - relatively speaking, all the people with whom I will interact should be 90-60-90, that is, certain limits are allocated. If a person “goes beyond” the set boundaries, he cannot survive this frustration - the object of communication is imperfect and does not fit into the set framework of idealization. Over time, the state of frustration becomes unbearable, so a person decides not to encounter anyone, so as not to relive painful sensations, not to encounter the fact that people are imperfect and make mistakes, that they are stupid, uninteresting and think strangely - it is better not to enter into contact. In general, any problem a person has is related to the fact that he cannot survive some experiences that occur in similar situations. What does this mean? A person goes outside and, finding himself in situations that evoke feelings that are unacceptable to him, decides to isolate himself from the world around him (“Everything... It’s impossible to tolerate... I’d rather hide in my house, I’ll deny and repress, using all possible psychological defenses so as not to experience so much unbearable pain!").
Thus, speaking about external loneliness, it is important to emphasize that for a person the process of idealization and deidealization can be truly unbearable due to the occurrence of frustration.
External loneliness corresponds to internal loneliness; they always go together. Sometimes there is another situation - a person is in contact with people, but inside he feels lonely (“loneliness in a crowd or loneliness together”). How to understand the expression “loneliness in a crowd”? This means that the people around cannot satisfy the person’s needs, in fact, this is the next stage of loneliness due to the state of idealization frustration (that is, the person was able to get in touch and establish relationships, but he still experiences frustration due to non-ideal people).
Such frustration can also be painful, but this is already a significant step in the period of separation and individuation (the process of personality formation), when a person understands that no one will save him, there are no ideal people around, and in general he needs to come to terms with this whole situation and receive from those around them what they can give (although this may be the minimum of their own desires).
The earliest manifestation of inner loneliness is associated with attachment figures. As a rule, if a person constantly feels a painful internal longing for people and is in a state of isolation (regardless of whether there is someone nearby), this primarily indicates longing for the object of attachment. Such deep aching melancholy is inherent in individuals who have some features of a borderline mental organization, or, conversely, “multiborderline” (the continuum descends from neurotic closer to borderline). The manifestation of mental anxiety at this level is directly related to early attachment objects (mother, father, grandmother, grandfather, etc.) and the lack of a strong emotional connection (i.e. “there was no stable attachment object”). For example, a child has a mother, but she periodically satisfies him, leaves or does bad things, so there is a feeling that today or tomorrow the mother will completely leave. Another option is that the mother left, and the child does not understand at all whether she will return; the mother has stopped feeling emotions towards the child, is not involved in his experiences, does not show attention and care (the child does not understand whether the old mother will return).
Basically, such a boring and painful melancholy occurs in people whose mother was emotionally cold (in this case, the maternal object could be functionally ideal (a good and correct mother in the person of those around her, etc.), but the “maternal behavior" itself (when the mother worries for the baby, thinks about his needs and desires) was not). In this case, the child next to the mother will feel lonely and will not experience complete fusion with the maternal object.
As a result, the longing for eternal fusion will constantly push him to search for a stable and stable object of attachment, who can be trusted, who will not betray, abandon or hurt.
It is almost impossible to deal with longing for an object of attachment on your own; you need to seek help from a psychotherapist - in the real world it is difficult to find an object of attachment that satisfies all the needs (reliability, stability, responsibility, deep emotional contact, etc.), and artificial conditions “lift” you a little. psyche, improving its condition and allowing you to find a reliable partner. Why is that? From our traumas we form further relationships. What does this look like in an example?
A person experiences coldness towards himself from those around him; he cannot trust anyone, because trust will certainly be followed by betrayal. As a rule, his line of behavior is to search for people who will reproduce the trauma received, unconsciously, but at the same time specially provoking situations in which he can prove to himself that, after all, the world works the way he sees it. Over time, this will lead to complete isolation from others - it is much easier to live without pain.
When the separation process is completed, the feeling of loneliness may periodically return to the person, but it will be based on the statement: “Someone was once next to me and will always be next to me. This person may not fully satisfy my needs, but he will not leave me.” The feeling of internal stability and reliability forms the very core that makes us stronger and more confident; accordingly, the feeling of loneliness experienced will not be so painful.
1.3 Types of loneliness
There are 2 types of loneliness:
Situational loneliness is an occasional feeling of loneliness that most men and women experience from time to time. Situational loneliness may be a consequence of the collapse of the existing model of interpersonal relationships.
As a rule, men and women who experience situational loneliness, after thinking about it, discussing with friends and adjusting their communication patterns, after some time are ready to establish new relationships. They begin to look for new acquaintances and serious relationships. After all, this is a healthy desire for people to go through life together, to love and be loved, and it should be stronger than the fear of experiencing failure and the pain of separation. Men and women who experience situational loneliness will benefit most from newfound confidence and help in establishing interpersonal relationships.
Chronic loneliness is a consequence of a person’s long-term inability to establish relationships with women and men.
To escape chronic loneliness, you will also need to become self-confident in order to be able to contrast your priorities and values with social norms and expectations, which are often false and insincere. Chronically lonely people can benefit most from their condition by developing immunity to social anxieties and developing social communication and interaction skills.
There is another opinion where loneliness is divided into three types: chronic, situational and transient.
Chronic loneliness occurs when an individual, over a long period of life, is unable to establish satisfactory relationships with people significant to him.
Situational loneliness usually appears as a result of some stressful events in a person’s life, such as the death of a loved one or the breakup of an intimate relationship, such as marriage. After a short time of distress, a situationally lonely individual comes to terms with his loss and partially or completely overcomes the resulting feeling of loneliness.
Transient loneliness expresses short-term attacks of feelings of loneliness, which pass completely and without a trace, leaving no traces behind.
The loss of a parent due to divorce or a lack of emotionally close, trusting relationships or parental support in childhood can make an individual more sensitive to loneliness in adulthood. The emotional wound received in childhood turns into the characterological personal vulnerability of an adult and persists for a long time, sometimes throughout life, forcing such people to react more sharply than others to separation and social isolation.
I would like to highlight another option, the author of which identifies four types of loneliness and explains them in simple, as it seemed to me, teenage colloquial slang.
Loneliness is a period when the necessary communication, support, understanding from others, and close people are absent. Someone experiences this calmly, someone even rejoices at it, but someone suffers and cannot find a place for themselves. It follows from this that loneliness comes in different forms.
Loneliness at will. Yes Yes. Loneliness is optional, when a person feels comfortable in such a situation. He may have friends, acquaintances, and even many, but he distances himself from closer and more frequent communication with them. He is used to being alone with himself. Sometimes such people believe that others completely interfere with their lives, others may be afraid of people, be timid towards them, and for some, excessive pathos does not allow them to communicate with people, as it seems to such a person, not of his rank. This choice is a consequence of various reasons: the character of a person, his position in society, his past, etc. Loneliness is forced. Well, with this concept everything is much more complicated. It happens that the problem is in the person himself, but in most cases it is in the society in which he is located. Although, of course, these two cases are interconnected. A person may not fit in with his environment and therefore may be rejected. For example, he is of a lower social status than most of those around him; informal among ordinary people or vice versa; a person with unconventional orientation in a society of straight people, etc. In this case, a lonely person may already accept the status of an outcast. In this case, you should, if possible, change yourself in order to fit in and gradually wash away the stigma of an outcast, if there is absolutely no possibility of leaving such an environment and starting a new life with new acquaintances. But changing yourself can also lead to undesirable consequences. In this case, a person risks losing himself, being in a different guise, he will still experience moral and psychological inconvenience, and there are no advantages in this, except for one thing: the possibility that he will be accepted, and he will not be lonely until the end of his days. But, for example, in a situation where everyone is equal in society, educated people come across such an “ugly duckling” who puts himself above others, considers himself better than everyone and in the end is left alone, not even imagining anything about himself, and not understanding himself , why, he is lonely. This leads to anger towards the whole world, towards the people in it. In such cases, you just need to try to be simpler and gentler with people, even if you know that you are better and smarter. The main thing is to be forgiving and patient. Hidden loneliness. You can be lonely even among your loved ones and close friends and relatives. In this situation, you can either be lonely or simply feel so. Most often, it all starts with sensations. As stated, the concepts of being and feeling are different. For example, a person has family and friends, friends, a best friend, etc. But the feeling of loneliness haunts him. He does not see in these people someone who would pay him due attention, who would understand him the way he needs. This is not being picky on his part. No. Here we observe such a phenomenon as hidden loneliness or inferior relationships with loved ones. There seems to be a friend, but it seems like he doesn’t exist. It turns out that best friend = friend, friend = acquaintance, loved one = best friend. Naturally, equalities are different. A loved one can easily be equated to a simple acquaintance. It is possible that hidden loneliness may transform into the most ordinary. Because everything in this world is interconnected. To prevent this from happening, it is advisable to talk with your loved ones about what is bothering you, and together you will try to correct this unpleasant situation. Feeling lonely. As is usually the case, it all begins with a feeling. The feeling of hatred can give rise to hatred, the feeling of attachment - attachment, etc. But it is impossible to say unequivocally what appears first: the feeling of something or the fact itself. In this case, a feeling of loneliness. Depending on the situation, it may give rise to such a phenomenon as loneliness, or it may not relate to it at all. And here's why: for example, a person has a family, friends, people who love him. But he is not satisfied with this. (Reminds us of hidden loneliness, right?) BUT this person really has no reason to doubt his loved ones. And he feels a feeling of loneliness. Gluttony is visible. And plus, not knowing at all what loneliness is, this person begins to write about how unhappy he is and how everyone doesn’t love him, etc. This is one of the stages of deception. Now at this stage there are two ways: 1. All his loved ones really begin to turn away from him one by one, as they lie down in front of him, do everything best for this “unfortunate” person, and he keeps feeding them fables about his loneliness. They're tired of listening to this.
2. And the second way, in fact, is “returning the roof”, i.e. awareness of being wrong. But here is a case when the feeling of loneliness does not grow out of nowhere: in a situation of hidden loneliness. You just feel that something is not right here, that something is wrong in the environment, and when they take their heads, without acting for a long time, it turns out to be too late. Friends have moved away, and there are almost no close people left, and new acquaintances have not been made.
Loneliness Having considered the issues of loneliness and its impact on youth and adults, let us turn to how we can help those who experience it. Since loneliness is a subjective experience, it is impossible to come up with a single way to overcome it that is suitable for everyone in any case. Therefore, when providing assistance to young men and women, one must adhere to the principle of the “happy mean”, i.e. ...
Used by psychologists and teachers when working with teenagers, including in the process of psychological counseling. The experimental study included three stages: stage 1 - identification of adolescents experiencing a state of loneliness; Stage 2 – study of their personal and social characteristics; Stage 3 – quantitative and qualitative analysis of the connection between loneliness and personality traits, ...
HAVING DIFFERENT TYPES OF SUBJECTIVE REGULATION 2.1 Organization and course of the study For practical confirmation of the theoretical assumptions we have outlined about the existence of a relationship between the tendency to depression and the typological features of subjective regulation, i.e. the type of subjective regulation of activity is associated with the experience of depression in such a way that with a decrease in the degree of autonomy...
Less. There are even more reasons to doubt the correctness of operating with the concepts of properties where they can be replaced by the concepts of PS. 2. Experimental study of the characteristics of mental states of 3rd year students of the specialty “Accounting and Auditing” 2. 1. Methodology for diagnosing depressive states. Depression, according to WHO, is today...